Struggling with dscs behaviour on holiday, please help!

[DoesthislookgoodOnMe]

Hi Lovlies,
I need some advice on how to address the current situation with Dp about dsc. As background he has them eow, one overnight stay in addition a week plus will see them as much as possible / have the more in holidays. Children are 8 and 10 and we are on day 2 of holidays in very hot country. We have family room which has 2 seperate bedrooms and bathrooms as well as a living room. In theory it should all be great but it’s not.

A few things that happened :

• children would not settle in one place for more than and hour so we had to keep moving our stuff as it’s a big resort, dp and myself ended up tired and grumpy..

After a lovely dinner there was a summer party with music, entertainment and lots of inflatables and games for kids. Myself and Dp having good time but after 15 mins kids wanted to go to the park which had no lighting and would be there of course for whole holiday. Dp gave in so that was the summer party done for us although everyone else with kids having a blast!

On way to took which was quite early there was so live music which Dp thought I’d like so he bribed kids with fizzy drink each and our phones so we could just have 20 mins peace.

We got back to our rooms, got ready for bed and said goodnight. We shit out door and we’re looking at photos of day together. 15 mins after we put them to bed they opened our door, no knocking, it freaked me out as if we were having sex they would have Walker right in.

I need to speak to him as yesterday was hell. Am I being unreasonable in saying I need to speak to do and say we need to establish rules with kids. I feel like such an old bag in a way as my kids are 13 and 19 and currently on a long trip abrouf with their dad. I never had these issues with them and I was a fun mum with them.
( forgot to mention the dsc ran off a few times yesterday as well). I want Dp to have a good time but yesterday was exhausting for me ( I’m late 40s and he’s early ) I don’t know whether it’s just me and I’m past this stage of parenting. Please help me broach this with do x

We arrive

Good luck @DoesthislookgoodOnMe I think you're doing really well in balancing your own need for a break, your DP's ineffective parenting, and the DCs' learnt behaviour.

I imagine it's not as easy as "just leave it all to DP" - you like the DC, and want to be a kind adult with them . It's only human to be involved but also frustrated.

Your DP probably needs to have a serious sit-down with his DCs' mother to map out a few more boundaries as their DCs grow towards adolescence.

OP, you say that "The children’s behaviour is Bratty for sure and this stems from their Dm who they spend the majority of their time with." but surely if their Dad was concerned about them turning into brats, he would have stepped up as a proper parent years ago, done 50/50 care and prevented this.

Everything you've written so far shows your DP is an ineffectual parent, who needs reminding to do basic care tasks, like put sunscreen on and who doesn't lay down healthy boundaries (like putting the child who said he had a headache to bed) and allows his kids to behave like brats (splashing a 3yr old), blaming the cornered other kid for not moving out of the way 🙄

I recognise you're having a rubbish holiday and that his kids are behaving brattishly, but why are you laying the blame for that at their DM's door? That seems hugely unfair.

Why do so many current parents of younger children just assume that holidays and life in general must revolve around them, and holidays are bound to be a nightmare? In my Western European culture, children fit in with what the adults are doing. If they get bored, they learn how to entertain themselves; no running off or demanding to do something else. Tell your DP to stop pandering and start parenting or you will be doing your own thing and definitely no sex.

@buttonsB4 his ex wife chose to move 1.5 hours away so cannot do 50/50 so he gets more holidays. Of course ex w is to blame she’s with them the most and doesn’t say no! Not sure why she’d been made a saint by so little info on her!

Thank you, you’ve been kind and understanding throughout and I appreciate it. It’s exactly all of these things:(

Thank you, you are another poster who has nailed the situation I am in and the difficulties x

Oh god if I was you op I would postpone the move in!

It doesn’t matter what their mother does it matters what dad does. He should be able to control them - it is absolutely ridiculous how they are controlling every aspect of the holiday.

You don't even live with their dad ,so I don't understand why you feel the need to be so involved. Your dh doesn't parent the kids how you would, but that is his choice to make.I think you are overstepping here, op

Wait, you don't even live together, and you are paying for his children's holidays and mothering them during it? Step way back. For your own mental health. You're not their mother or stepmother, for now you are daddy's girlfriend, so act accordingly and let him do the parenting.
And I agree, your life will be hell if you move together, but he doesn't step up and will let his kids also dictace your weekends.

@G5000 ee got together in lockdown in Sept 2020 and started dating. I was still living in my marital home with ex h and kids and due to lockdown took a lot of time to get my financial settlement. I brought my house 9 months later and he brought his a few months after. This was the first opportunity to live together and I always did this when dc we’re with their dad. We now live between houses 70% of the week. DC are fine eith him but because my older dc had exams I wanted home life to be stable snd I knew weekends would be noisy with his dc so I said after exams plus we have more time to work on the house. He’s great around the house, will also cook when I’m working late from home as I have a very intense job.

Yes we’ve been away on a few city breaks, all good!

A few basic things kids cannot do just from this morning is butter a bread roll, tie hair up with elastic band, wash hair… list goes on. They are lovely kids but if I didn’t help out we’d never leave the room!

no wait but why doesn't he help out. And by help out, I mean teaching his children to do those things. Mine are the same age and honestly in a safe resort, I could just leave them to their own devices, they would be perfectly happy and entertained. The hell am I buttering bread for a 10yo.

So if you are living in both houses, does it also mean you take over all parenting duties when he has the children?

Thats good. Do you not take your own kids away on longer holidays like he does his? Does he go on them?

Yes I am taking my dc on a beach holiday next month. He can’t make it as he has his dc or he would have come. It’s worked out this way as my DCs dad could only take them away mid/ end July and I agreed this with him a year ago. Tbh o am glad as think my older dc would have been really pissed off and this would have caused a tension. I came in here to get advice on the dsc and not to dump my partner. It’s caused a lot of tension this holiday, his dc have never behaved like this on previous holidays. But we’ve been ok, lots of intimacy helps keen us together and fit the sex police on here we have seperate rooms ect so it’s the same as doing it at home! Its the only thing the kids haven’t been able to dictate lol :)

'A few basic things kids cannot do just from this morning is butter a bread roll, tie hair up with elastic band, wash hair… list goes on. They are lovely kids but if I didn’t help out we’d never leave the room!'

Right. So the kids are miles behind in basic tasks and haven't been taught to behave by 'their mother'. So this morning, you should have left the room and gone for a lovely walk. Their father should have patiently shown them how to put their hair up by themselves so that no one else never be involved again. He should have shown them how to butter bread. Etc.

You are both sat there blaming their mother for everything whilst their father does nothing to make them behave, and you step in and take over parenting duties that should have been taught years ago. But haven't by EITHER parent.

If doing hair over and over again till they get it right, and buttering bread over and over again till they got it right, meant you were an hour late to the pool, then that's what you do. So that tomorrow you don't have the same farce.

Oh I agree with the sex thing @DoesthislookgoodOnMe no reason at all why you shouldn't be intimate with your partner on holiday! Your in seperate rooms for gods sake, you need to be getting something out of this lol.

Look, if your children would resent him going on your holiday then do not move him and his children in to their home. With what you have written I don't trust that you wouldn't prioritise him and his children above your own. You seem to be very keen to show him how amazing you are and he seems keen to let you. He is a grown man and if he cannot parent his own children in the short time he has them then keep him away from you and yours. It will not end well for your kids if he moves in. Trust me. Put them first even above yourself.
If this is the man you want to be with then demand more from him. Set a good example of a relationship to your kids. Running around after a man and his children would not be a good example.

@lowflyingtitties my kids will always be my priority. Even though it’s 50/50 with ex I take on the mental load as well as the heavy lifting. It comes accross bad I’m not with my kids right now but they are having super holiday with their dad and I’ll be taking them away next month with my parents. My DC is 19 so I don’t need to parent as I would do an 8 year old.

Oh sorry @DoesthislookgoodOnMe I thought they were younger.
Then all I can say is do not let him move in until he parents properly. Look, I know he doesn't see them as often as 50/50 but when he does have them then he should want to be the best parent he can be. There's you tube videos for dad's on how to tie hair up for goodness sake there's no excuse! My DH can do everything I can do because he taught himself to. He can french plait better than I can.
I'm not saying that he's set out to make you responsible for his kids but due to his laziness, that's what's happened. Not uncommon but still not ok. You've done your time as a parent to small children, its all on him now. Expect more from him, demand more from him so you can have a healthy, equal relationship going forwards.

I’ve been in your situation. DP is now an ex and I won’t be doing that again. First few years I tried really hard to be a step mum figure, taking on care for them and trying to blend families. He was a Disney dad despite being the residential parent (and having them stay at his house even on their mum’s days!)

I got so fed up with the lack of boundaries, lack of respect and general chaos of his approach to parenting. A lot of it stemmed from guilt, even though his ex was the one who cheated, had addiction issues and ultimately broke up their relationship. He couldn’t get past the fact that their lives weren’t ‘perfect’ so he threw money, time and attention at them in the hope he could make up for it.

They became entitled spoilt little princesses who had never heard the word no. I stopped going on holidays with them after one too many like yours, being treated like the nanny or housemaid. Then we stopped spending weekends together, and I just saw him when he didn’t have them, preferring to see him less often without them than seeing him more when he had them.

Current DP has one child much younger than mine and I know he’d ideally like someone to live with him. His previous marriage broke down because his ex couldn’t handle being a step parent to his DC, who has additional needs. She also expected him to prioritise any child they might have together which was obviously unreasonable.

I definitely won’t be doing it all again. Either we stay separate or we’ll have to go out separate ways.

So this morning, you should have left the room and gone for a lovely walk. Their father should have patiently shown them how to put their hair up by themselves so that no one else never be involved again. He should have shown them how to butter bread.

Excellent advice. Your DP needs to learn how to parent his own DC @DoesthislookgoodOnMe . You are helping out of your own kindness, but at what cost? Your own enjoyment & you're not letting your DP make his own mistakes with his own children.

I know it's hard not to help. But the discomfort will improve things in the long run.

Now go & laze by the pool with your book.

Think this will be my last post on this thread. Yesterday daytime was very enjoyable, I went to my exercise class in sea and had some time alone on the beach in the afternoon, in between we did activities with the kids which I enjoyed. I enjoyed Dp having fun with kids as I know he misses them. Things went a bit pear shaped in evening. Got ready, nice meal then heading to the entertainment. I said to dp I’ll come with you and get seats then I need to toilet. He was so annoyed and just angrily said “ why couldn’t you just go before dinner”? I said to him “well I’m sorry I have a kidney problem” and just went off. Came back, no apology or any niceness. I managed to put myself in good mood again. We then headed finally to the bar with the music … kids had iPads and onboard. He then has a massive Mantrum as he says he found us a table but I let someone take one of our chairs. I said that wasn’t correct, we only had 3 chairs and even kids said that was case. Basically after this there was no recovering, sat there for an hour, he tried to make convo but I wasn’t having that without an apology. I kind of exploded on him when we went back to the room. He tried to kiss me but again I wasn’t having that. We went to bed eventually and he cuddled and gave me alot of kisses. He said it was the heat, sometimes sends him over edge. I didn’t push him away this time, just wanted to go to sleep and accepted this apology as he said he would work on it and “be better”.
Our holidays in past have been so much happier. It’s given me a lot to think about. I have a lot of doors that I’ve currently closed due to being in this relationship so I’m going to take up more international travel when it suits my schedule with my dc as my role involves this. I don’t want to be running around after his dc when mine are 13 and 19 and I still have my own parenting to do! He also said younger dc is too much and wants their own way. I just said nip it in the bud! Both parents are failing their dc and it’s up to them not me. I will continue to be kind and welcoming as a pp said but him moving in now def on hold until I see some changes in him and how he parents his dc. It’s funny I did always say to him we would likely split up because of external factors like his or my dc putting strain on relationship and looks like I was right!
if you’ve read this far than thank you and apologies for the long essay! Also thanks for the kind and constructive advice some of you have given! x

@BigPussyEnergy thank you for this, it was very insightful for me. I don’t have friends in same boat so it’s nice to hear from other women that have real life experience x

I just wanted to give an update in case anyone is interested.
DP picked up on the fact I wasn’t happy when we got home and when the kids went home he asked me if I missed them? I asked why he asked that and he said he thought the kids had driven me crazy this holiday and I said yes they had.
We have put the date back for him to move in as I’ve said he and his ex need to work on children’s development. There is also question of us all being under roof eow. He’s suggested having our kids in seperate weekends but that doesn’t work for me as we would never be able to go out over weekend! i don’t know what other blended families do on this kind of situation but I’d like some suggestions?

Don't blend your families. They aren't compatible. You and he have very different parenting styles which don't work together. If you want to be with him, all you can do is wait until the children are grown up, and then you can live together. While they are young, they will be a constant presence in his life, so if you can't accept them or even tolerate them, it would be unfair for you both to keep forcing them into more situations like this holiday.