Struggling with dscs behaviour on holiday, please help!

[DoesthislookgoodOnMe]

Hi Lovlies,
I need some advice on how to address the current situation with Dp about dsc. As background he has them eow, one overnight stay in addition a week plus will see them as much as possible / have the more in holidays. Children are 8 and 10 and we are on day 2 of holidays in very hot country. We have family room which has 2 seperate bedrooms and bathrooms as well as a living room. In theory it should all be great but it’s not.

A few things that happened :

• children would not settle in one place for more than and hour so we had to keep moving our stuff as it’s a big resort, dp and myself ended up tired and grumpy..

After a lovely dinner there was a summer party with music, entertainment and lots of inflatables and games for kids. Myself and Dp having good time but after 15 mins kids wanted to go to the park which had no lighting and would be there of course for whole holiday. Dp gave in so that was the summer party done for us although everyone else with kids having a blast!

On way to took which was quite early there was so live music which Dp thought I’d like so he bribed kids with fizzy drink each and our phones so we could just have 20 mins peace.

We got back to our rooms, got ready for bed and said goodnight. We shit out door and we’re looking at photos of day together. 15 mins after we put them to bed they opened our door, no knocking, it freaked me out as if we were having sex they would have Walker right in.

I need to speak to him as yesterday was hell. Am I being unreasonable in saying I need to speak to do and say we need to establish rules with kids. I feel like such an old bag in a way as my kids are 13 and 19 and currently on a long trip abrouf with their dad. I never had these issues with them and I was a fun mum with them.
( forgot to mention the dsc ran off a few times yesterday as well). I want Dp to have a good time but yesterday was exhausting for me ( I’m late 40s and he’s early ) I don’t know whether it’s just me and I’m past this stage of parenting. Please help me broach this with do x

We arrive

It sounds as though your partner is a permissive Disney Dad, and you enable that by saying you have to go along on holiday so he doesn't have to be left alone with his children.

He barely sees them as it is. Four days a fortnight is very little. He shouldn't be looking for someone else to do his parenting for him during his annual holiday with his own children. He should be embracing the opportunity to spend some quality time with them.

Negligent and ineffective fathers are some of the least attractive members of their sex. I wouldn't touch this one with a bargepole.

he said other parents should get their kids out of the way. I’ve said he should manage his kids behavior so they are considerate of others.

What? I would find such an attitude deeply deeply unattractive. Selfish and teaching his DC that being selfish and inconsiderate was OK. Yuk

Still reading updates, but OP wtf are motherly duties?

Do you mean parenting duties?

DH and I only have together DC but there’s no fucking way I’d be doing his share of parenting, nor would he want me to.

DH should be doing the ‘fatherly’ or as I prefer all the ‘parenting duties’ with you stepping in IF you feel like it.

He’s basically taken a nanny he can shag on hol. I hope you didn’t also pay 50%.

Does your OH undertake fatherly duties for his stepkids?

Kids themselves sound fine, this is normal stuff for their ages, they’re not trying to annoy you. The premise of the holiday (just you 2 and DSC) means this was sort of inevitably how it was going to end up - at 8 and 10 they’re not old enough to take themselves off anywhere for a bit, nor are they old enough to enjoy typically adult things. I think you should just have a quiet word with DH and ask him to take them out for a few days of the holiday so you can just sunbathe and relax, but you’ll have to just accept the fact this won’t be an ‘adults’ holiday.

Good luck @DoesthislookgoodOnMe - your notsoDP is the problem here. He's not parenting competently, but he's expecting you as the adult woman to do it. Just start holidaying as if you're there on your own. Let him deal with his DCs.

I'm sorry you feel so awful, and I'm sorry some PPs on this are getting at you. Big hug.

thank you that’s really kind x

As an update today has been a good day so far. I had a quiet word with dp and explained I was stepping back from being a step parent as I was the bad cop and I didn’t like it. I did the kids sunscreen before we went out the dp took over that and any telling offs. We had gear time by the sea then played games with kids in the pool. Then I went off on my own for a few hours to beach. Do has always sent me away to have my own time on previous holidays as he knows I find it too full on at times. I took over too much and he let me … I haven’t done myself any favours but there have been no dramas.
As I’ve said before dp has been a rock for me when I’ve been unwell and booked a holiday for us only in October to give me something to look forward to after having a few procedures that I’m dreading. won’t be binning him just yet but I will be putting some healthy boundaries in place.

plan for tonight is dinner by sea, show for kids then live music. They can bring their iPads and we will take uno too. If they still want to go to room, do will be taking them!

Dp not do :)

You both should explain to them that the vacation is for everyone. Sometimes they're going to have to do things that the adults want to do.

stop mothering his children. If mine were whining that they don't want to listen to music after I have spent the entire day doing whatever they wanted, I would say tough shit, sometimes we do what other people want as well. If their dad is happy to jump whenever his DC demand, let him do it, and you stay and do what you want.

Totally agree with the planing/agreeing/bribing kinda thing 🤣🤣 and they are my own kids!🫣🌺🌺

I wouldn't go away with DP and kids. U will just spend ur whole holiday running around after the kids.
That's my take on it anyway.
Go and join in on their holiday or don't go with them but go away without kids at a different time.

Yes, we are going away later in the year child free and we always do this :) This is the third summer I’ve gone away with them. Seemed the natural progression in the relationship. We had already planned next years family holiday, my younger dc is going to come but tbh I think they would get annoyed too! So I’m glad I’m taking my dc away separately though I am resenting the financial aspect of this. I spend a whole year paying off 2 holidays which isn’t sustainable for me. I am resting now that I’ve told him I am stepping back.

You pay to look after his children abroad?! He doesnt even pay for you knowing that he's going to leave all the parenting to you?! Bloody hell. Stop going away with them. If it isn't sustainable to pay for 2 holidays then stop doing it. Spend that money on your own children instead of someone else's. I wouldn't be going away with his but not my own anyway, does he go away with you and your kids?
I'm guessing that you have taken on far too much responsibility for this man and his children in your day to day life, he's not daft is he? Want more for yourself and your children and raise your bar.

As per my last update he has booked sbc paid for a week abroad just the two of us. But I have pulled back on the parenting now even on holiday as it’s too overwhelming for me. I’m getting a rest now that I’m not getting stressed about taking care of them, do doing it norw

Good @DoesthislookgoodOnMe keep that up when you get back home too. They are his children that he had with another woman, they are not your responsibility in any way, shape or form. All you need to do is be kind and welcoming. That's it. You have 2 of your own to parent.
When you take your own children away, does he go with you?

An 8 and 10 year old should be able to walk round a resort by themselves. Go to the park by themselves. Go swimming by themselves.

Your partner needs to sort out their independence pretty quickly.

Todays plan was beach / lunch / pool then back to Beach to catch the waves as I did this alone yesterday and I know dp would love it. Kids would too tbh as they love the wave machine, when it was time for beach in afternoon the kids said no and he just told me to go. Am annoyed with him as this was a half hour activity and as pp poster said it should have been tough shit, we are going!
also issue of younger dc running off and him minimising is. Younger dc does this with their M too so I said to him they both need to discuss this! When I have issues with my kids my ex H and myself usually get together have a cup of tea and discuss. If it’s needed we have a full on family meeting with the dc to get their input : lay down the law. A few times today he told me to take dc2 with me but I’ve refused as they keep running off. We are going out of the resort tonight so god help us!
I’ve gone to aqua aerobics today and slept on the beach. He’s just cone bs k with some cheesecake for me. I know it’s not a life or death thing but just good vent! Joys of blended family holiday

You seem to just refuse to acknowledge how bratty they are and useless your dp is. As I have said many times, you actually subsidised a holiday just to go off alone and do activities!
I have an 8yo, and unless this child has SN running off is just absolutely naughty and bad behaviour. Good luck to you when the teen years hit. You probably will regret staying till then.

Does the resort have a kids club? Stick them there, if they don't want to do anything you want to do.

The children’s behaviour is Bratty for sure and this stems from their Dm who they spend the majority of their time with. In the past on holiday when dp has told them off or given them a consequence they’ve cried then when they do their daily call to their mum told her then he’s got it in the ear from her. I can’t come on here and say yes I’m ending my relationship with him because of his dc. However it’s opened my eyes and he was due to move in before Xmas - I can’t handle reality of eow with his kids if this behaviour continues. So yes I’m taking it all in but I’m not making a snap decision because posters want me to. It’s my life, my dc are involved too and I love my dp. I’ve already again told him about his parenting skills today and he will need to work on it! He wants to please them as he misses them, that’s the other side of the coin so we need to try and work on things.

I'll try again. When you take your children away, does he go with you?

Oh Op I feel for you , I think other posters are being very harsh on you . Kids sound like they are spoilt and you're in a tough position as your a "mother figure " over there so to speak but don't have any of the privileges a mother would have , ie putting your foot down / disciplining them .
I'd let dp take them back to the room alone he won't be long getting lonely and might actually pull his finger out !

Holidays are hell, we just had the mother of one (9.11. 14 and 16). It’s just unrealistic expectations, lack of routine, excitement, tiredness etc etc. I don’t know if it’s that easy to talk about, parent out of while on holiday!! Best of luck op