Struggling with dscs behaviour on holiday, please help!

[DoesthislookgoodOnMe]

Hi Lovlies,
I need some advice on how to address the current situation with Dp about dsc. As background he has them eow, one overnight stay in addition a week plus will see them as much as possible / have the more in holidays. Children are 8 and 10 and we are on day 2 of holidays in very hot country. We have family room which has 2 seperate bedrooms and bathrooms as well as a living room. In theory it should all be great but it’s not.

A few things that happened :

• children would not settle in one place for more than and hour so we had to keep moving our stuff as it’s a big resort, dp and myself ended up tired and grumpy..

After a lovely dinner there was a summer party with music, entertainment and lots of inflatables and games for kids. Myself and Dp having good time but after 15 mins kids wanted to go to the park which had no lighting and would be there of course for whole holiday. Dp gave in so that was the summer party done for us although everyone else with kids having a blast!

On way to took which was quite early there was so live music which Dp thought I’d like so he bribed kids with fizzy drink each and our phones so we could just have 20 mins peace.

We got back to our rooms, got ready for bed and said goodnight. We shit out door and we’re looking at photos of day together. 15 mins after we put them to bed they opened our door, no knocking, it freaked me out as if we were having sex they would have Walker right in.

I need to speak to him as yesterday was hell. Am I being unreasonable in saying I need to speak to do and say we need to establish rules with kids. I feel like such an old bag in a way as my kids are 13 and 19 and currently on a long trip abrouf with their dad. I never had these issues with them and I was a fun mum with them.
( forgot to mention the dsc ran off a few times yesterday as well). I want Dp to have a good time but yesterday was exhausting for me ( I’m late 40s and he’s early ) I don’t know whether it’s just me and I’m past this stage of parenting. Please help me broach this with do x

We arrive

Agree @arethereanyleftatall , he wanted a nanny. It is a tale as old as time unfortunately. I wish bright, capable women would stop falling for it.

I have told do why I’m upset and he said other parents should get their kids out of the way. I’ve said he should manage his kids behavior so they are considerate of others.

The lack of responsibility as a parent 😱
(His, not yours!)

I think there are some issues here. You are actively taking on the parenting/mothering role here. You need to stop that. Let him take the lead and offer backup and support if needs be. But it’s not your primary responsibility. So with the pool thing just let him deal with that even if you would have done differently. I wouldn’t bugger off for the day but take a distinct backseat role.
Also it seems you’re not happy with the set up. Your kids are grown and this wasn’t what you wanted, having to parent young kids again. It will realistically only be another two years or so and then they will be a bit older but if you aren’t up for it you should end it. And no, going out when they are round and never seeing your step kid isn’t the solution either as many adult stepchildren will attest to where their stepparent ignored them. You should either be prepared to be a stepparent or not and it’s not always a fun job so totally cool to say no. But you can’t have your own nice couple time/holiday with DH when he is still a parent to young kids. You have to decide if you are in or out.
These kids sound like normal kids but you sound resentful and I can see why. I think you need to make some difficult decisions.

OP I'm glad you've said you won't do this again next year! Well done for setting your boundaries. You've tried it and it doesn't work for you. It's hopefully possible to still enjoy this relationship without taking on parenting duties if your DP loves you for yourself and isn't just looking for a co- parent figure. You've done your time in the parenting trenches and you're in a different phase of life now; you'll only drive yourself mad trying to get these children to behave when it shouldn't be your responsibility. Hope the rest of the holiday can be salvaged by stepping back and doing your own thing. Good luck!

And it would have been fine to tell them off for splashing that little girl

They were in the wrong

Back right off. And I mean don't join in any activities or do any parenting, do your own thing for the next 2 days. Say this is my holiday too and I'm not enjoying this. So I'm going to do something I enjoy. Natural consequences for your tit of a partner.

Next time he asks you to do something ask him how he will parent effectively. Ask the kids to confirm how they are planning to behave. What is ok and not ok behavior. Explain to idiot DP that if you are not enjoying yourself then you'll go off and do your own thing again.

I'm sorry your holiday isn't going great - neither is mine but I'm.coming from the other side of the fence. My ds (10) is being pretty difficult. Ok sometimes, but often grumpy and sulky which affects the mood for everyone. He won't tell me what is up or what he would like to do. I think it is the upset in the normal routine plus heat.

I've just suggested my partner goes and has some fun on his own rather than 3 of us being sat round miserable. It's really hard to get the balance right between letting kids do what they want to do but not dictating everything...

Oh god he's that asshole parent then, the one that lets their kids be little terrors and it's everyone's else's responsibility to get out of their way. You're right to step back and if be taking time for yourself every day, go a walk go to the beach, go for a cocktail, let him be the parent as he's totally making you it.
Also I don't get why everyone is getting worked up about sex, fgs people are allowed to have sex in rooms when kids might be in other rooms. How are siblings made? I've always told my kids to knock as we sell deserve privacy

You sound like you resent them being there, he sounds like a crap father. The kids sound like normal kids who have a sub par father.

I'd be interested to see if the holiday next year goes ahead if you don't go.

Why are you getting his kids ready? You've done your time!

So he wanted a woman to do the parenting for him as he sounds incapable. Leave him to it. Why are you getting his kids ready in the morning etc. I wonder if his ex left him as he just left everything up to her.

Op I have an 8yr old. Why on earth are you putting up with this. I have just been on holiday with my family. Before we left we spoke to my ds and told him this is a family holiday and we all need to enjoy it. That means that there is stuff he might not want to go but he needs to go along with a good mood and there's plenty of stuff that he will be doing as well. Explained that we also need the down time and my ds is completely ok with it! If he splashed a 3yo I would quickly tell him to move away or stop. I actually hate yes hate people like your dp who are just so inconsiderate and think their children can do whatever they like.
I wouldn't even bother reminding him to put sunscreen. Let them suffer the consequences. My 8yo can put on his own sunscreen perfectly fine, I can't understand why a big 10yo can't?

And when I said I wouldn't go on holiday if my kids weren't going, what I meant was that there is no way I would PAY towards a holiday to put up with shit from someone else's kids. Why can't you tell them off? You're expected to play mum and all the responsibilities but can't tell them a thing? Nah, I wouldn't pay for that.

Exactly one of those shit parents who condone their shitty children to spoil it for everyone else.

No I don’t resent the kids being here, I just don’t like the behavior. If it was my kids I would be equally if not more resentful.

Thank you all for your messages. We’ve had a good afternoon by the sea - we spent time as a four playing in sea and I took on role of fun aunt as a pp suggested. When kids were done with the sea and wanted the pool I let them go off with dp while I stayed on and enjoyed taking a dip in the sea and funnily enough thinking about some of the comments - positive and negative I’ve received.
I will be taking small steps back during holiday. I do love my dp and as a pp said, if he loves me then he won’t be expecting step parenting duties as mandatory. We’ve both spent a great deal of money and effort so I still want to help him but maintain a healthy balance.

Thank you!

Oh I’m sorry to hear that, hope yours gets better soon too x

I think you hit the nail on the head in that you are past this parenting stage and don't really want to go back. I wouldn't want to either.

It sounds like the main problem is that he isn't stepping up to supervise his own kids properly, and that he's either expecting you to do or being so passive that you end up trying to do it. Appears he's using you as a nanny/free childcare.

Beyond that, it sounds like he's a bit of a disney dad, in that he can't keep his own kids under control/say no to them. Their his children and you can only follow his lead with controlling/disciplining them, otherwise you'll just get the badge of evil step parent. Step parenting is a tightrope. The only thing you can do is walk away for a bit and leave him to parent his children.

Is this how it goes at home when he has his kids too, or just particular to this holiday? Is it just the excitement of being on holiday or too much fizzy pop? Do you know if they behave better for their mother than they do for their dad.

Given that they were so excitable, I think it was very optimistic to expect to just say goodnight and shut your door and expect the little rascals to nod off straight to sleep (especially in a strange place and after consuming fizzy drinks and phone screens). It should be possible to have some nookie whilst on holiday with the kids in a separate room, just need to make sure they're well settled off to sleep first. You can try telling them to knock but not sure you're going to successfully train an 8 yo to start doing that whilst on holiday.

@altmember its exactly as you said, I don’t want to be the “evil” step mother. So I am just taking a step back.

I am not with him at home all the time as we don’t live together so he looks after his kids solo. Just thinks he’s got a bit over excited like the kids tbh. He’s great with my DC and he does a lot around the house for us.

15 mins after we put them to bed they opened our door, no knocking, it freaked me out as if we were having sex they would have Walker right in.

Sex, when you’re away on holiday in a two bedroom suite with an 8 and 10 yr old? Optimistic!

DSc have called me mean this evening and do has heeded with them. We have nice meal on beach then a show then I wanted to sit and listen to live music for 15 mins. Older dc said they had a headache so I agreed to go back with them. As soon as we were approaching the door kids demanded that they want their iPads and to stay up till 11pm, I said they should really go to bed seeing as they said they were tired and had a headache and that we came back because of this . They then said I was mean then dp has sat on sofa with them watching them play iPads. I’m going to get ready for bed and tomorrow I’m going to aerobics class in the sea. I don’t even feel like sleeping here tonight.

That's really shit. Clearly there is a new strategy to guilt you into playing your allocated role as carer/dogsbody.

Well, fuck that.

Hope you can have a lovely beach day tomorrow with no demands and interruptions.

This will literally never work. You have totally different parenting styles that are going to continue to cause a big issue. You seem far too hung up on the DC’s behaviour and he seems far too permissive. The point is though that it’s his choice with the iPad and bedtime. If he told you to put the DC straight to bed when you got back, fair enough but by trying to enforce your own rules and being immediately undermined by your DP you’re making yourself come across as very weak in your DSC’s eyes. And also mean, yes. You need to get to a place where you care for the kids but you do not personally care what they eat, how much screen time they have, what time they go to bed etc. That is for their dad to decide. It’s quite liberating when you stop giving a crap. Their parents want to feed them 100% UPF foods? Not my problem. Wouldn’t do the same myself but it’s not my call and if I try to lay down the law I look like a twat.

And wtf with you going back to the apartment with both of them? While your DP stayed out to enjoy the music? No, no, no. If the DC moan about a headache do NOT offer to do that. You all go back. He seems like he’s just taking the piss now. I would tell him that if things don’t improve in one day (HIS behaviour, not the children’s) then you will be separating when you get back. Hopefully that will shock some sense into them.

Older dc said they had a headache so I agreed to go back with them

Don't be your own worst enemy. Tomorrow night, do not let them call the shots again. Have you taken in anything that's been written on this thread? You are choosing this. Over and over again, with no thanks. Why are you doing this to yourself? You are there to do his parenting for him, so either back off or suck it up and crack on.