Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with dscs behaviour on holiday, please help!

151 replies

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/07/2024 05:47

Hi Lovlies,
I need some advice on how to address the current situation with Dp about dsc. As background he has them eow, one overnight stay in addition a week plus will see them as much as possible / have the more in holidays. Children are 8 and 10 and we are on day 2 of holidays in very hot country. We have family room which has 2 seperate bedrooms and bathrooms as well as a living room. In theory it should all be great but it’s not.

A few things that happened :

  • children would not settle in one place for more than and hour so we had to keep moving our stuff as it’s a big resort, dp and myself ended up tired and grumpy..

After a lovely dinner there was a summer party with music, entertainment and lots of inflatables and games for kids. Myself and Dp having good time but after 15 mins kids wanted to go to the park which had no lighting and would be there of course for whole holiday. Dp gave in so that was the summer party done for us although everyone else with kids having a blast!

On way to took which was quite early there was so live music which Dp thought I’d like so he bribed kids with fizzy drink each and our phones so we could just have 20 mins peace.

We got back to our rooms, got ready for bed and said goodnight. We shit out door and we’re looking at photos of day together. 15 mins after we put them to bed they opened our door, no knocking, it freaked me out as if we were having sex they would have Walker right in.

I need to speak to him as yesterday was hell. Am I being unreasonable in saying I need to speak to do and say we need to establish rules with kids. I feel like such an old bag in a way as my kids are 13 and 19 and currently on a long trip abrouf with their dad. I never had these issues with them and I was a fun mum with them.
( forgot to mention the dsc ran off a few times yesterday as well). I want Dp to have a good time but yesterday was exhausting for me ( I’m late 40s and he’s early ) I don’t know whether it’s just me and I’m past this stage of parenting. Please help me broach this with do x

We arrive

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/07/2024 20:59

You're too nice op and it's to your own detriment.

You had decided this afternoon that you were going to step back off the parenting.

So. If you were enjoying the music and his child wants to go back with a headache. Then. You stay and enjoy the music.

You're trying to be a mix of fun aunt and stricter parent, which will never work. Pick one. The first one.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2024 21:02

The problem is op you want an adult holiday and the kids get tored and maybe overwhelmed and what some time in their bedroom with their iPad. It would be my nightmare holidaying with someone else's kids.

waterrat · 27/07/2024 21:03

I really can't imagine having a break from my own 2 kids and using it to take two OTHER children on holiday! This just seems like madness.

They sound like totally normal children a bit hot and out of routine/ nothing you have said sounds like major bad behaviour.

HOlidays with kids are just exhausting - truly I could not do it if it wasn't my own at that age it's tedious/ exhausting enough when you really love them!

waterrat · 27/07/2024 21:04

You are expecting to do things you enjoy - but most parents just organise their day around what kids want at the ages of 8 and 10 on a holiday like this

They are going to get tired/ whiny out of sorts etc - I would expect their dad to do a lot more of the parenting in this situation and you get a break

I genuinely can't understand why you wanted to go tbh - surely better to coordinate when you have your own kids for a family style break?

Yousaidwhatagain · 27/07/2024 21:05

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/07/2024 20:14

DSc have called me mean this evening and do has heeded with them. We have nice meal on beach then a show then I wanted to sit and listen to live music for 15 mins. Older dc said they had a headache so I agreed to go back with them. As soon as we were approaching the door kids demanded that they want their iPads and to stay up till 11pm, I said they should really go to bed seeing as they said they were tired and had a headache and that we came back because of this . They then said I was mean then dp has sat on sofa with them watching them play iPads. I’m going to get ready for bed and tomorrow I’m going to aerobics class in the sea. I don’t even feel like sleeping here tonight.

I did point this out op. You're wasting your time with your dp. He doesn't respect you, his kids are following too. You're actually paying to be treated badly.

Nobodywouldknow · 27/07/2024 21:09

Yeah as a kid, listening to random live music would not have been my idea of fun at all. If you really want to see it then ask your DP to take them back and stay. But you can’t expect the 8 and 10 year old to happily indulge your wish to watch music I’m afraid. They will whine. And if you do take them back and they want their iPads, don’t pick a fight because it’s not your problem

AlexanderArnold · 27/07/2024 21:25

They are being normal kids! I totally understand where you are coming from though because dealing with normal kids on holiday is hard work, and having done it for my own I don't think I would ever go back and do this again for someone else's. Not a chance.

Ethylred · 27/07/2024 21:34

And this exemplifies why holidays are hell. The fact that people go on them bewilders me.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 27/07/2024 21:44

This is a prime example that if you want to know what someone is really like, go on holiday with them.

I'd employ the 'not my circus, not my monkeys' mindset from now onwards, and do what you want to. You want to stay and listen to music, do so, if they want to go back to the hotel, that's fine let them. You don't have to go with them.

They want iPads - up to dad, you do what you want to do
They want ice cream for breakfast - ask dad
If you're at the beach and they want to go to the pool - let dad take them back, only go with them if that's what you want to do
You want to eat in a certain restaurant then you eat there, they want McDonald's - let dad take them

Nobodywouldknow · 27/07/2024 21:51

BuggeryBumFlaps · 27/07/2024 21:44

This is a prime example that if you want to know what someone is really like, go on holiday with them.

I'd employ the 'not my circus, not my monkeys' mindset from now onwards, and do what you want to. You want to stay and listen to music, do so, if they want to go back to the hotel, that's fine let them. You don't have to go with them.

They want iPads - up to dad, you do what you want to do
They want ice cream for breakfast - ask dad
If you're at the beach and they want to go to the pool - let dad take them back, only go with them if that's what you want to do
You want to eat in a certain restaurant then you eat there, they want McDonald's - let dad take them

Yes, this. You will just be undermined if you try to enforce anything so stop trying. Also while they might put up with some activity that an adult wants to do if it’s their parent, they’re less inclined to do so if it’s a step parent so I’d stop with the live music stuff unless you’re doing it on your own. Just be amiable and cheerful but don’t do any parenting and if they act up, take yourself off to get a coffee or something while DP deals with them. If they splash someone while you’re in the pool, get out and say to DP “I will let you handle this one I think” and go back to the loungers.

Daisy12Maisie · 27/07/2024 21:52

I would use your annual leave and money doing things with friends/family/ your kids rather than go away with partner and his kids.

PartyPrepProblemo · 27/07/2024 22:23

I think they're excited and tired at the start at the holiday. I do think you could probably sort this by planning the days a bit, and some very basic rules e.g. knocking.

Normallynumb · 27/07/2024 22:31

Sounds like he wanted a ready made childminder so he could enjoy his holiday, not thinking about you enjoying your holiday too
Leave him to parent his DC, and direct them to him if they ask you for something.
Step back and do what you want.. Like staying at the live music not going back with DC

Original poster
DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/07/2024 22:47

waterrat · 27/07/2024 21:03

I really can't imagine having a break from my own 2 kids and using it to take two OTHER children on holiday! This just seems like madness.

They sound like totally normal children a bit hot and out of routine/ nothing you have said sounds like major bad behaviour.

HOlidays with kids are just exhausting - truly I could not do it if it wasn't my own at that age it's tedious/ exhausting enough when you really love them!

I’m not having a break from my kids, I’m divorced and have a shared care arrangement with my ex h. We both share holidays and are lucky enough to both be able to take our kids on separate holidays. Please save your judgement!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/07/2024 22:54

arethereanyleftatall · 27/07/2024 20:59

You're too nice op and it's to your own detriment.

You had decided this afternoon that you were going to step back off the parenting.

So. If you were enjoying the music and his child wants to go back with a headache. Then. You stay and enjoy the music.

You're trying to be a mix of fun aunt and stricter parent, which will never work. Pick one. The first one.

We all went back together :( he tried to make it up with me after. Many of the posters are suggesting it’s me with the problem tbh. I’m not after an adult holiday, lots of families with dcs there. I am going away with do in October for our main holiday which is child free and I won’t be doing this next year, will save my money and annual leave.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 27/07/2024 23:20

AlexanderArnold · 27/07/2024 21:25

They are being normal kids! I totally understand where you are coming from though because dealing with normal kids on holiday is hard work, and having done it for my own I don't think I would ever go back and do this again for someone else's. Not a chance.

I agree with this

Your dp is being an ineffectual parent but the kids are not to blame

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 27/07/2024 23:21

Nobodywouldknow · 27/07/2024 21:09

Yeah as a kid, listening to random live music would not have been my idea of fun at all. If you really want to see it then ask your DP to take them back and stay. But you can’t expect the 8 and 10 year old to happily indulge your wish to watch music I’m afraid. They will whine. And if you do take them back and they want their iPads, don’t pick a fight because it’s not your problem

Do people not teach their kids that they aren't the centre of the universe?

They don't want to listen to live music? Tough shit. Sit there and behave appropriately. They learn that just as the adults did things they weren't fussed about for them they in turn must do the same.

dollopz · 27/07/2024 23:40

Next time they forget to knock, politely and warmly ask them to do it next time. And repeat. Deal with it at the time it happens.

The party I understand. My children would find a party with strangers a bit busy and uninteresting . What sort of activities do the kids actually want to do? The holiday needs to be a mix of activities to meet everyone’s interests. I highly recommend wearing the kids out physically each morning. Also take yourself off for a couple of hours when you need some quiet time.

Gcsunnyside23 · 28/07/2024 00:09

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 27/07/2024 23:21

Do people not teach their kids that they aren't the centre of the universe?

They don't want to listen to live music? Tough shit. Sit there and behave appropriately. They learn that just as the adults did things they weren't fussed about for them they in turn must do the same.

Show quote history

I was just about to post the same thing. Imagine raising your kids to think everything should revolve around them and have no consideration for others, only their own feelings and wants. Parents have a right to enjoy their holiday too, kids can very much be expected to sit for half an hour while adults enjoy some music. That's what crisps and sweets are for, bribery. Tbh if they want to sit in the iPads so badly being them out so they can play a game and you can enjoy your evening

Original poster
DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 28/07/2024 02:44

@dollopz @DavidBeckhamsrightfoot thank you! I was only wanting to sit for 15 mins listening to the music, did not have the expectation for it to be all night. Throughout the day way focussed on water slides, kids pool, playing with their inflatables and numerous toys as well as playing in the sea. This evening we had a meal booked by the sea then we all watched a circus show together. As soon as they don’t want to do something their mood changes, faces drop, I cannot get over the lying that the older dc had a headache and that’s why I said they should not stay up till past 11pm when the headache miraculously disappeared!
annoyingly after all this my dp sent them to bed so he could have just said guys you have 15 mins iPad time then brush teeth then bed.
he kept coming back to me to cuddle and kiss me and I wasn’t impressed. He should have said to kids that I wasn’t mean and look after them all day. However in hindsight I wish I didn’t say anything and it was an aromatic response as a disappointed human :( I really need to step back. I have a lot on my mind as I e been unwell most of this year and have some unpleasant procedures coming up. Throughout this do has been great with coming to everything. Questioning everything and has booked time off for when I’m out of action, that’s why it’s hard as in a relationship it is a partnership. Very conflicted tonight and cannot sleep. Oh and iM Not wearing glasses so hope what I’ve written makes sense!

OP posts:
PeriIsKickingMyButt · 28/07/2024 02:51

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/07/2024 10:59

@TinyYellow not sure if you are reading my updates but I’ve said I’m doing all the motherly duties and I’ve come on a holiday I shouldn’t have splurged on but did as wanted it to be easy for do and for him to be happy. Not sure how that comes across as unsupportive? The door swings both ways. The defo won’t be any sex this holiday as I’m way too pissed off.

Why are you parenting his kids so actively? Why can't he take them away without a woman's help? I am currently on holiday with DH and my step kids and parenting them is his job - I'm here for support and fun but he's the parent and should be leading on all aspects of their care. You need to stop infantilising him- he's their parent, step back and let him do it.

Nobodywouldknow · 28/07/2024 03:29

Yes of course the kids can and should do stuff they don’t want to do but they aren’t going to magically realise that themselves, as they are 8 and 10 and are self centred. Their dad needs to tell them. Instead the OP seems pissed off that the kids wanted to come back and then went back with them despite her being the one who wanted to listen to the music. Well, the dad should have firmly told the kids “we are staying for x amount of time, deal with it” or if they said they had a headache, then HE should have come back with them and left the OP there (not sure if that’s what happened or whether they all came back together). It’s not for the kids to suddenly become super aware that it’s fair for everyone to do stuff they enjoy, it’s for their seemingly useless father to step up and be a father and for the OP to step back and let him deal with stuff like this. Otherwise she will indeed look very very mean to them because children don’t inherently accept step parent authority in the way they do parental authority. By being bad cop, the OP is setting herself up for all sorts of crap - the tellings off need to come from the dad.

Duckingella · 28/07/2024 03:58

It's very simple.

Your DP is a shit lazy parent who expects a woman to do his work for him.

He's a Disney dad who lets his kids do what they like with no boundaries in place.

I can only imagine the work the kid's mother is going to have to put in when the kids come home with a bad attitude following this holiday.

You can probably work out why his relationship with the kid's mother didn't work out then.

I think you need to have a good think about what you want and deserve in this relationship.

Needless to say don't let him get you pregnant if you're able to still carry a baby.

Lighteningstrikes · 28/07/2024 04:00

I think you're being way OTT and your age doesn't help.

The door was an easy mistake. It's what kids do. Strange place etc.

Going to the park, not unacceptable for them to want to do it at their ages. It was up to your DP to say no, we'll do it in the morning or whatever.

I think you risk being a real stick in the mud.

Fgs, they are 8 and 10!!

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/07/2024 04:08

It sounds like he wanted to date in order to find someone who would take care of his high energy and exhausting kids.

this doesn’t sound like a good life, OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread