Feel like husbands family don’t like me

[Justtryingtofitin]

Starting off by saying nothing has happened per se but I get the feeling none of my husbands family (the women in it) like me. My husband said it’s jealousy but I’ve always thought people just like to say that but really it means you’re probably just a bit of dick and can’t see it.

i’m younger than most of them and was the last to have a baby. Before the baby I was always a size 6 (they’d all be 14-20) and it was often commented on that I was ‘dying looking’. I have an eating disorder so fair enough.

when I was pregnant and bought our pram they made so many snide comments about the price (I honestly just liked that pram the best)

after I had the baby I had but on 3 stone from my normal weight and they were so nice and kept reassuring me I would lose some but not all of the weight…when I lost it all after 6 months they went back to being stand offish.

my husband and I have a little money because I have a very good job that I am so so thankful for. I honestly try my best to get on with them and I try and make conversation but they just snub me at this stage or give me 1 word answers.

it came to a head when they all went for a night out and didn’t invite me and my husband and said it was a last minute thing…until someone let it slip that ‘thank goodness they got the babysitter in 2 weeks ago because someone else wanted them to babysit that night’ so it was planned in advance.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. I know I’ve said about weight a lot but I don’t know what else it could be. I genuinely try my best to talk and be nice and fit it but they just don’t like me at all. Even my husbands mum has started being weird with me (although I honestly thing it’s because she realised my mum and dad have money which I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want this situation)

anyone else have a family in law like this and how do you navigate it? I wouldn’t care as much only I have my son and I want him to know his cousins.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I would carry on being polite and civil.

Kill people with your kindness.

They don't sound very nice.

They sound jealous. I would spend as little time with them as possible and let your husband organise activities with them and your child. Just be polite and breezy when you see them. Have no expectations.

I think it's lazy to assume they're jealous because you're slim (literally millions of women are slim), and that your MIL is jealous because your parents have money (literally millions of parents have money).

I mean it might be true, but there's a whole myriad of reasons why some people don't like other people.

Only you know you, and them. We don't 🤷‍♀️

Jesus I didn’t say that was the reason. I said my husband said it was jealousy and I’m reluctant to believe that. I’m saying about weight because they’ve made a deal of it before. Never said my mother in law is jealous I just said she’s been different since she’s got to know my parents properly from a more material point of view

Generally if you have a lot more money or are much better looking then it is jealousy.

I have a friend that whenever someone does not get along with her, she says it is jealousy. Literally nobody could be jealous of her, she is just annoying and delusional.

So we only have your word for it, but from what you say, they are maybe jealous. If they are mother and her daughters, they will stick together, but they ought to treat you politely.

I would stop trying so much. Carry on being polite and kind but you’re never going to be friends.

This genuinely makes me sad because they are all friends and I really really have went out of my way to be their friend. Makes me feel awkward and embarrassed

Generally if you have a lot more money or are much better looking then it is jealousy.

This makes zero sense.

So by your reckoning, people with money/good looks, are never horrible people?

They're always good hearted, kind, caring, thoughtful and just all round lovely folk?

The only reasons to dislike them would be because of their money and/or how they look?

I am taking op at her word that she is amicable.

But yes, especially with money in particular does cause jealousy.

I mean weight, not so much. Being very thin is not necessarily looked upon with envy.

I don't have a relationship with my in-laws as mother in law just simply isn't interested in our children and only herself and
Grandmother (in law) is a cold evil old bitch who doesn't see in-laws as family.I now after many years simply don't bother with them as life is too short to make effort with people who don't care or deserve it

As hard as it feels I agree with the bright & breezy posts. They’re not your friends, they’re your husband’s family.

All families aren’t friends. Everyone isn’t necessarily kind or coming together with your outlook/ values.

look after yourself in this environment. Do as little as you need to & let your husband do the heavy lifting.

I’m 20+ years into similar situation (tho never suspected jealousy just dislike😕) it took me too long & too much wasted energy to learn to pull back. Much happier for doing so.

They don’t sound to be nice or kind. Thinking longer term do you want your children it’s ok for people to be unkind to you?

Of course money and being slim causes jealousy but it's far from the only reason someone might be disliked.

It's hard op.
My husband's family didn't like me either.
His parents thought I was a bad choice for him (in reality they just didn't know him as well as they thought).... It took 20 years of happy marriage, two very delightful children and supporting him to achieve his life ambition before they grudgingly accepted, maybe I was an ok wife!
His sister entirely disowned him and hasn't spoken to us in 14 years, the kids don't know her!

During that time, I was sad and upset as I had done nothing to deserve this and had hoped for his family to be a nice warm addition to my life and me to theirs.

For a long time I wished it was different. Envied those who had it differently and grieved for the family my kids would never have just because of their ridiculous attitude.
In the end I had to, and was eventually able to, let go of my personal wishes and just accept that I couldn't choose their attitudes or feelings no matter how I wished for something nicer.

It sucks, but the sooner you can accept that civil might be the best you can hope for, and warmly included is a pipe dream... The quicker you can cease the futile energy waste that is agonising and wishing it was different.

Awh this is so sad, thank you for your time replying and sharing your experience. Why are some people like this? Do you mind me asking how do your kids feel about it? I think my fear is my son will miss out on being close to his cousins the way the rest of the cousins are close

Yes. I mean, people just sometimes don’t like other people. They’re not jealous of them, they simply don’t get on. And the OP is only in these people’s lives because of the man she married — it’s like happening to be in the same workplace as a set of people. Pure chance whether you rub along well together or not. My ILs, for instance, would far prefer if DH had married the girlfriend before me, who was more their type of person. I’m quite fond of them, despite how different we are, but I’m under no illusions as to them being perfectly well able to do without me.

If someone (one or more) has taken against you... Does it matter why?
If you've done nothing wrong, then, whatever is their motive is irrelevant... They don't deserve you if they can't be open hearted enough to build a relationship with you even though you are mum to their cousin/niece/GC etc

👌
Think my ils would have wanted the one after me (there is no one after me, at least not so far - they can keep hoping though). 😁🤣

It’s more the awkwardness at parties and gatherings and feeling so self conscious and like I’m being looked at/talked about all the time. It’s also more for my son too and it having a knock on effect on him from the point of view of having a relationship with his cousins

Op I instantly did a 😬 when you declared yourself a several sizes smaller/younger/well paid. Have you boasted to them openly about your income?

But if they’re not inviting you to events, surely you’re hardly having to deal with many situations where they’re talking about you? And if you are still attending all the usual family events, then presumably the fact that they don’t like you isn’t having a negative impact on your son’s relationship with his cousins?

Why can't he have a relationship with his cousins?

They're your husband's blood relatives, surely he can facilitate that?

It's just their normal.
In my view that's tragic, but I had lots of fun cousins growing up so wanted them to enjoy that.
But they don't know any different.

But we don't live close by so they don't have their faces rubbed in it.
They do have a relationship with dh's parents who dislike(d?) me but don't dislike their grandchildren. I don't share with the kids what I feel, but they are polite (if somewhat stiff) to my face.
So to them the gp's are far away relatives who are kind to them and rather formal to their mum.
The sister is someone they don't know and are barely aware exists.

If the gp's openly disrespected me I wouldn't tolerate that in front of the kids - that would not be a good lesson to show them I accept being treated badly.
I wouldn't retaliate I would just create as much distance as necessary to achieve a civilised facade.

If they are talking about you, but not to you... In your presence... that is rude.
I wouldn't tolerate rudeness to me in front of my children (and neither would my DH).
So if they couldn't do better than that, I wouldn't be attending their social occasions.

Their choice.

Right. I thought hmm, maybe they know you think you're better than them. Impossible to tell really.

Yep I see the issue!