Feel like husbands family don’t like me

[Justtryingtofitin]

Starting off by saying nothing has happened per se but I get the feeling none of my husbands family (the women in it) like me. My husband said it’s jealousy but I’ve always thought people just like to say that but really it means you’re probably just a bit of dick and can’t see it.

i’m younger than most of them and was the last to have a baby. Before the baby I was always a size 6 (they’d all be 14-20) and it was often commented on that I was ‘dying looking’. I have an eating disorder so fair enough.

when I was pregnant and bought our pram they made so many snide comments about the price (I honestly just liked that pram the best)

after I had the baby I had but on 3 stone from my normal weight and they were so nice and kept reassuring me I would lose some but not all of the weight…when I lost it all after 6 months they went back to being stand offish.

my husband and I have a little money because I have a very good job that I am so so thankful for. I honestly try my best to get on with them and I try and make conversation but they just snub me at this stage or give me 1 word answers.

it came to a head when they all went for a night out and didn’t invite me and my husband and said it was a last minute thing…until someone let it slip that ‘thank goodness they got the babysitter in 2 weeks ago because someone else wanted them to babysit that night’ so it was planned in advance.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. I know I’ve said about weight a lot but I don’t know what else it could be. I genuinely try my best to talk and be nice and fit it but they just don’t like me at all. Even my husbands mum has started being weird with me (although I honestly thing it’s because she realised my mum and dad have money which I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want this situation)

anyone else have a family in law like this and how do you navigate it? I wouldn’t care as much only I have my son and I want him to know his cousins.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I must admit I've thought twice about saying this but I'm going to say it anyway...

If the OP is bringing up the fact she's slim, younger than them, gained pregnancy weight and lost it quickly, thought it was appropriate to post their dress sizes (I mean WTF?), mention that she and her DH 'have a little money', she has a great job and her parents have money too...blah blah blah.

THIS part of her personality could well be the reason they can't take to her.

I tend not to surround myself with people who have this sort of mentality either.

It's deflective behaviour, like they've convinced themselves they're so great, that there could be NO other reason why some women don't like them.

Jealous because size 14 - 20 obvs.

I don't think they need to invite you on their night out. It's not a family occasion. They're having going out with people they have fun with and by your own description that's not the relationship you have with them. They needn't be jealous. They're just more friendly with each other while you're there because you married their relative. It doesn't mean they actively dislike you. You've said they were nice to you after having your baby. It's you who seems fixated with it all being about weight - no need to be disingenuous about this, it's obviously a big thing in your life with the ED and all those mentions of their weight and yours. They might well be bigger but not necessarily as interested in that or in what you earn. As long as they're not actively rude to you then you're best lowering your expectations and focusing on the friends you have.

With all due respect @BowlOfNoodles you sound like a real bully

With all due respect you sound like you are bodie shaming... it's great to be in shape and have a flat stomach most people want that! But I bet those size 14-20 have gorgeous curvy hips etc!

Looks/wealth/weight etc are irrelevant.

These women get on well and like each other because they've formed a bond.

No-one here can say why that hasn't happened between them and the OP, but it should have nothing to do with her son's relationship with his cousins.

He doesn't need his mum and his aunts/gran etc to get along to have his own family relationships.

His dad can facilitate that.

I don't think she's bullying, but perhaps that's an insight into how you perceive different people's points of view. They're either jealous or bullying, it can't be you, or simply a difference of opinion/inclination.

I think you are being a little disingenuous here, OP.

You are quite clearly implying that you think your inlaws may be jealous or uncomfortable around you because they're fat and you're slim and your family has money and they don't.

Perhaps the passive-aggressiveness and hierarchical thinking is what they find uncomfortable.

really it means you’re probably just a bit of dick and can’t see it

I think most of us if pressed can admit the ways in which we suspect we might be a bit of a dick, so if you had to take a guess at that, what would those ways be? As opposed to you being too skinny and rich for them to like?

Stop trying.

Why would you want to be friends with unfriendly people? There are millions of lovely people out there to spend time with instead.

You don't like them much, and they don't like you, so just avoid each other. Being related by marriage doesn't mean you have to socialise at the weekend.

If your son has friends don’t worry about his cousins. When they grow up they go their own way anyway. They have shown what they are about for whatever reason - do you want your son to witness it at every gathering? Leave them to it, be polite but go and do your own thing elsewhere and stop worrying about your son - he will be fine.

It sounds like they aren't nice people, and you've no need to feel your losing out if you don't have a friendship with them.
You say your husband thinks they're jealous. But you think it could be that you're a dick and don't know it? It really doesn't matter the reasons why though.
The fact they said you were 'dying looking' when you were suffering from ED is extremely insensitive. Do they know you have ED? Not that it's any of their business. You don't need people like that in your life.
I hope you're getting the support you need on the ED side? Don't listen to anyone talking about your weight and try not to focus on it if you can. You need to be strong and healthy for your kids.

I have an eating disorder!!

Thank you. Yes I’ve been getting treatment on and off for 10 years for it and yes they know I have it.

i honestly am not the one who made it about weight. They did when they called me dying looking and then were nicer when I was bigger after having the baby.

I just am trying to fit in with his family. No nastiness, passive aggressiveness etc etc I never mention weight or work etc. I’ve never ever discussed my job or salary but know it’s been discussed because my husband’s SIL’s sister who I barely know said to me at a party something about getting promoted and I said awk congratulations and she replied ‘not that I’m anywhere near the money you’re making or ever will be’. I’ve never ever discussed my salary with anyone bar my husband.

she replied ‘not that I’m anywhere near the money you’re making or ever will be’. I’ve never ever discussed my salary with anyone bar my husband.

So your husband has told them? Maybe he's bragged about you in a way that hasn't been helpful.

They brought up the weight thing and the money thing. I’m just trying to work out what it is because I genuinely have always been nice and made an effort with them.

just to give another example, when I was on maternity leave my baby was about to go into the next stage of clothes and I went shopping to get him clothes and called into MILs on way home where MIL and SIL were at and I said I was shopping so called in and got met with ‘well isn’t it well for some they can afford to go shopping this close to payday’ I was like oh shit sorry.

another example is on my wedding day I was involved in a surprise bit of entertainment which most guests loved. My husbands family? Wouldn’t join in and one of them said ‘oh of course she can do X’

For someone who doesn’t want to believe that their dislike of you is born from jealousy, you have certainly compiled a long list of reasons that their dislike of you is born from jealousy.

It’s because of what they have said to me and the way they’ve interacted with me differently when I was a bigger size; I don’t just assume people who are bigger than me don’t like me you know. It’s through observation over time I’ve came to this conclusion that weight is a factor

Listen people of a size 14-20 reading this will of thought you one thing and that's bitchy. Your original post sounded really cocky and by posting here at mumsnet I assumed you wanted advise and that was my advise that even a text came across as very dislikable and you never easily suggested you was bullied you might be over reacting with them aswel!

I’m just trying to layout what’s been said/done and letting people make up their own minds based on that. It was my husband who said the jealousy thing. He said his mum is that type of person anyway which is true I’ve seen that myself in the way she is with others. She’s a real ‘the world left me behind kind of woman’. At the start I said to my husband you can’t just put things down as jealous as, in my opinion, that’s lazy and usually said when there’s a lack of self awareness. It’s more overtime I’m thinking he might be right. I know I can be a bit of a dick in other settings but I really really wanted to make an effort with husbands family from day 1 to get on

It might not be anything you're doing wrong op.
It might be you just represent one or two things they aren't comfortable with or feel awkward around.
Some people just decide you're not in their tribe and that's that.
Other people are more open and able to relate to a wide range of people, invest in people like that and just accept these are going to be arms length relatives.
You'll be happier in the long run, it doesn't sound like you'll ever please them and have the relationship you want.

Your post that I referred to as you seem like a bully was not a nice one; it didn’t offer constructive criticism it was just unkind.