Feel like husbands family don’t like me

[Justtryingtofitin]

Starting off by saying nothing has happened per se but I get the feeling none of my husbands family (the women in it) like me. My husband said it’s jealousy but I’ve always thought people just like to say that but really it means you’re probably just a bit of dick and can’t see it.

i’m younger than most of them and was the last to have a baby. Before the baby I was always a size 6 (they’d all be 14-20) and it was often commented on that I was ‘dying looking’. I have an eating disorder so fair enough.

when I was pregnant and bought our pram they made so many snide comments about the price (I honestly just liked that pram the best)

after I had the baby I had but on 3 stone from my normal weight and they were so nice and kept reassuring me I would lose some but not all of the weight…when I lost it all after 6 months they went back to being stand offish.

my husband and I have a little money because I have a very good job that I am so so thankful for. I honestly try my best to get on with them and I try and make conversation but they just snub me at this stage or give me 1 word answers.

it came to a head when they all went for a night out and didn’t invite me and my husband and said it was a last minute thing…until someone let it slip that ‘thank goodness they got the babysitter in 2 weeks ago because someone else wanted them to babysit that night’ so it was planned in advance.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. I know I’ve said about weight a lot but I don’t know what else it could be. I genuinely try my best to talk and be nice and fit it but they just don’t like me at all. Even my husbands mum has started being weird with me (although I honestly thing it’s because she realised my mum and dad have money which I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want this situation)

anyone else have a family in law like this and how do you navigate it? I wouldn’t care as much only I have my son and I want him to know his cousins.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I agree and it's grating

Trying to type out an accurate 3 dimensional picture of a multiple person dynamic in a brief text is very difficult op. People will read into it lots of things. Some will be accurate and resonate and give you helpful advice.
Others will be wide of the mark for no bad reason, it's just how it is... and you will know which is which because you're the one living it (unless you are deep in self denial, but that's not how you're coming across).

If the ones that are wide of the mark, though trying to be helpful, hurt you, then leave the thread...
If someone gives good advice you'll likely feel it, so take that and use it, but you need to let inaccurate stuff was over you - this is the internet, the thread is a mere glimpse of your life and we're all strangers.

It was helpful op as others agreed I'm sure you thought your post didn't come off dick like as a part of club size 14 I'm telling you I thought you came across as badly... so when you are in a room with the family thinking you are being reasonable you might not be! The advise was be more self aware 🤷‍♀️

You could word it a bit more maturely. You’re an adult. ‘Imagine what it’s like being in a room with her’. You weren’t even addressing me. It wasn’t advice it was just unkind.

Maturely? Have you considered that English with not be my 1st or even 2nd language?

What do you mean by ‘I can be a bit of a dick in other settings’?

That doesn’t excuse rudeness. The rest of your posts do not have it so you are capable of writing constructively.

I don't think my late PILs liked me very much. It did not bother me - we can't please everyone. I just tried to be polite when we met and left it at that.

Oh OK only you can be rude.

I’d like to know too @Justtryingtofitin

After initially suggesting that the main reason people are disliked is that they can be a dick without realising it, you have failed to offer a single possible way you might be behaving dickishly, but have instead focused on the reasons your body size, wealth and talent might make your in-laws jealous of you.

You’ve basically said that they don’t like you because you are considerably younger, richer and thinner than everyone else.

They're just not your people. Stop going to my events with them. Your DH can go in his own.

@CheekyHobson you’re misconstruing what I’ve said. I said I don’t like saying it jealousy because usually it’s lazy and it’s because you’re being a bit of a dick. However, over time I do think it may be jealously and came on looking advice as to whether people think it may be jealousy too. I’m only reiterating what they have said and done about weight/money etc. I haven’t been a dick to them, I’ve never made more of an effort than I do with them

Yep that’s exactly what I said. Please read the posts before commenting.

It's ridiculous to suggest some larger ladies aren't jealous of skinnies and equally preposterous to suggest those without money can't be envious of those with money.

I know someone who started a fight with an in law because she kept on "showing off" her toned tummy around new mums (she lived in a hot country and wore a belly top to a bbq). I've also been in groups when nasty comments are made about someone else purely fueled by jealousy of looks or body shape.

Although, tbf, I've known skinny snobs who assume everyone is as obsessed with their body and money as they are.

So it could go both ways OP.

I also had crap in-laws, spent far too much time, energy and money trying to figure them out and get on side. The best thing I ever did was finally detach from them and stop investing any of my time. I'd pay the couple of visits a year tax and be the perfect hostess when they had to visit but didn't give a shit whether they liked me or hated me. And guess what, whether I tried or did it on my terms, they were still asseholes because actually it was nothing to do with me and all about the fact they were assholes. Horrible to each other and anyone else who came in to their orbit.

You aren't going to figure them out, they aren't going to change. I'd decide on what you are willing to give on your terms and detach from the lot of them.

Have you seen how much smaller clothes are getting? I don't think op is correct in suggesting that a 14 is large! I know with a G cup I'd always have to buy bigger dresses in sizes to accommodate my bust alone.

Perhaps they just made an effort because of the baby?

Not everything is about weight!

Thanks for your reply @whichwayisup. Yes I totally see what you mean from both perspectives. It’s just a pity because the rest of them are close and they’re all very similar and my face just doesn’t fit.

I didn’t say it was. They have openly commented about my weight to me and were nice when I was bigger and kept saying I’ll never lose it etc because none of them have after having babies. They didn’t see me for about 6 weeks when I lost the last stone to be back to pre baby weight and the death stares I got were shocking and it’s back to staring at my waist and commenting on people who are too thin are dying looking and it’s not healthy and unfair on their kids etc etc. even the men on the family have picked up on it.

With respect, OP, if you know you behave like ‘a bit of a dick’ in other settings (though you seem curiously reluctant to explain what you actually mean by this), it’s perfectly possible that all your ‘effort’ with your ILs simply isn’t working, and they’re experiencing you as a dick, regardless of you thinking you’re not behaving dickishly around them. Some people aren’t good at knowing how they come across. When you say you’ve always made the effort to ‘talk, be nice and fit in’, it’s possible what they’re seeing is dislike, or condescension, or someone forcing themselves to be civil.

It’s not actually clear to me why you’re so desperate for approval from people you don’t much like, and who, by your own account, aren’t that nice to you?

My SIL and my MIL absolutely loathe one another, and each thinks the other behaves incredibly rudely to them. Knowing them both, I can see that both, in their own way, made huge efforts earlier on in their relationship, but neither of them can ‘see’ that effort in the other one because they’re so different, and both, in their own ways, rigid in their thinking.

That are good reasons for the behaviour they've shown. I can say that from experience. My SILs (2) and BIL and MIL have given me a hard time for past 16 years just because I'm better than them / their children. Also, my SIL has admitted to me that they were jealous of me and tried to show me down all the time. Even though they've come clear and justified their behaviour, I won't be able to forgive them, neither my husband can. He is most hurt by them.

How much smaller??? No, exactly the opposite actually. Which I'm glad about because they've got bigger as have I.

I have, and I’m starting to see where they’re coming from.

I mainly shop at monsoon/Karen millen and even the sales assistants are like size up! Especially in linen/cotton with no give in the fabric.

In what way are you ‘better’ than your ILs?