Boyfriend squeezed my arm

[noraalsworth]

Hi all,

The other night I held my boyfriends wrists to get up and must've squeezed them when doing so. A few moments later he grabbed my arm and squeezed it really tight whilst physically scrunching his face.

I asked him to stop and told him to get off me.

He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me, just make me feel uncomfortable like he felt uncomfortable when I squeezed his arms.

He has apologised profusely but I'm not sure if this is the first sign of abuse or not given I squeezed his wrists first?

Yes it is. Your instincts are everything here. Leave before you override them.

That doesn't sound okay. What you did was accidental whereas he had intent to harm you. Would be very much laying down the law that that was unacceptable behaviour and if it happened again or there were further red flags I'd be discontinuing the relationship.

It's worrying that his first response when you did something he didn't like was to do it back to you harder to make a point. Not to give you the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident or express that he didn't like it and ask you not to do it again.

That's not an attitude I want in a partner, in any kind of disagreement. It shows a nastiness, a desire to hurt and see the worst in your partner. Even verbally (eg you accidentally upset him so he deliberately upsets you in return) it would be unacceptable to me. The fact it was physical makes it worse/

Bin him off, listen to your instincts. A man than uses his strength against you is always dangerous

Get rid of him!

You accidentally hurt him, he's vindictive and mean. It's a massive red flag.

Huge red flag he done it deliberately you didn't.

Yes I agree, it's hard because I think he is autistic (undiagnosed) and so he struggles to understand basic social etiquette and I don't really know how that fits in or whether it even does. But you're right physical makes it worse

Big red flag. Leave that bully.

A normal reaction from him when you leaned on his wrist would be for him to say, ow that hurts, then you'd apologise as you hadn't realised you hurt him. The fact he immediately grabbed you and inflicted pain on you shows he is a nasty bully who has no control over his anger. It doesn't matter whether you think he has undiagnosed autism. Trust your instincts and leave. This won't be the last time he lashes out

Also, physically hurting someone is way outside 'not understanding social etiquette'. Do you think he would have grabbed your arm and physically hurt you if you were a 6ft 4 cage fighter? I doubt it. If he acted like that with everyone he wouldn't be able to have a social interaction or hold down a job and would probably get beaten up on a regular basis

I'm autistic, my son is autistic, neither of us would hurt someone on purpose. That's nothing to do with social etiquette.
he's being spiteful and abusive, his reaction was weird as hell for a grown adult

Thank you for this perspective!

re your comment:
"Yes I agree, it's hard because I think he is autistic (undiagnosed) and so he struggles to understand basic social etiquette and I don't really know how that fits in or whether it even does".

Regardless of why he is the ways he is (and what is your understanding of autism if he is undiagnosed; he could be undiagnosed because he is not actually autistic) he should now be your ex partner. Also hurting you like this is way outside he not understanding any social etiquette. He wanted to exert his power and control over you here; that is what abuse is all about.

*He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me, just make me feel uncomfortable like he felt uncomfortable when I squeezed his arms.+

He wanted to hurt you. And he did. Where does that sort of tit for tat stop? My DH accidentally spilt some
hot coffee on me the other day - would it be okay for me to throw my next cup in his face? Totally not on. If you’d hurt him, he should’ve said so at the time (ie “Ow! Get off!) and allowed you to see that and apologise. Enormous red flag.

OP, don't be so silly as to put this down to autism.
He deliberately set out to hurt you and teach you "a lesson".

Absolutely a red flag and if you have an ounce of sence and self preservation you will dump him.

He is abusive and this was your first dose of it.
It WILL happen again.

EVERYTHING is blamed on AUTISM on this site.
It in no way reflects real life with autistic people in my experience.

Why did you need to hold or squeeze his wrists?

My H "only" loomed over me in my face, then pushed me on the weekend.
I'm slightly hurt but it wasn't a "hard" push, I didn't get knocked to the floor.
Nonetheless, I kicked him out.
I've seen it in my first marriage, friends IRL, and on here, that once you let a man cross a physical line without consequences, you're generally on borrowed tine.
And I've known my H nearly 30 yrs and this is the first incident - I'm still in absolute shock and devastated - but I'm not living in dread of what might come next time we argue.

I was lying on his lap/stomach and couldn't pull myself up so I used his wrists/arm for help/support

He's pathetic, with a foul temper. Imagine if a kitten scratched him, would he boot it across the room? What about a child? He does not have the nous to realise if someone hurts you by accident you say ouch, that hurt. And they apologise. You don't retaliate with intense fury and uncontrollable violence.
You'll be in hospital if you don't get the fuck away from him. And don't blame autism.

Get. Out. Now.

Your instincts are right. Don’t talk yourself out of them. You’ve been given an absolute gift here, a snap insight into what’s underneath. Leave him right now.

Autism doesn't excuse cruelty. Hitting or hurting someone isn't merely bad manners. Suppose the next time he "struggles to understand basic social etiquette" he punches you in the face, or gives you a thick ear? Are you going to suck that up?

I'm autistic. I know not to hurt people. If I didn't, if I love you my goal is to never hurt you let alone deliberately.

Alarm bell time. DINGALINGALINGALING!!!! Arm squeezing ('nipping') is a fairly common thing that men do to hurt and control women.

If he doesn't understand the social etiquette of 'You accidentally hurt me so I'm going to deliberately hurt you', he's struggling more than you think. It's not really a manageable lack of understanding to carry around, because it makes it ok to deliberately hurt people.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to deliberately hurt you?

Also, if he doesn't understand why it's wrong, why is he apologising? He either understands that what he did was not ok or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. He can't have 'It's ok that I hurt you' and 'I'm so sorry I hurt you.'

So many men have some excuse to give women a clout, squeeze, nip, punch, kick, etc, or control or abuse them somehow. I have PTSD, I'm depressed, I'm autistic, I have ADHD, I was married to a bitch, my mother was cruel, I have trust issues, the list is endless. They are entitled to their beliefs about themselves, I suppose, but the women are not obliged to stick with them.