Page 2 | Boyfriend squeezed my arm

LoveLifeBeHappy · 23/07/2024 12:27

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 08:20

Hi all,

The other night I held my boyfriends wrists to get up and must've squeezed them when doing so. A few moments later he grabbed my arm and squeezed it really tight whilst physically scrunching his face.

I asked him to stop and told him to get off me.

He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me, just make me feel uncomfortable like he felt uncomfortable when I squeezed his arms.

He has apologised profusely but I'm not sure if this is the first sign of abuse or not given I squeezed his wrists first?

His reaction comes from the pain you caused him initially. Despite what others are saying, your actions weren't accidental; you knew what you were doing, but you didn't realise it would hurt him. Now, he thinks you intentionally tried to hurt him.

While his response might seem odd, a healthier reaction would have been to say, "What you did hurt me, please don't do it again."

This could be related to ADHD, but ultimately, it depends on how long you've been together and if he's truly acknowledged and apologised for his actions. Trust your gut—you know him better than anyone else.

Sipina · 23/07/2024 12:39

LoveLifeBeHappy · 23/07/2024 12:27

His reaction comes from the pain you caused him initially. Despite what others are saying, your actions weren't accidental; you knew what you were doing, but you didn't realise it would hurt him. Now, he thinks you intentionally tried to hurt him.

While his response might seem odd, a healthier reaction would have been to say, "What you did hurt me, please don't do it again."

This could be related to ADHD, but ultimately, it depends on how long you've been together and if he's truly acknowledged and apologised for his actions. Trust your gut—you know him better than anyone else.

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But he's not 4 so shouldn't need to be told not to hurt her, do anything that might hurt her, intentionally do something to "just make her uncomfortable" etc etc. That's not how grown ups act and if you are autistic and don't understand not to do those things, a relationship isn't for you

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 12:40

LoveLifeBeHappy · 23/07/2024 12:27

His reaction comes from the pain you caused him initially. Despite what others are saying, your actions weren't accidental; you knew what you were doing, but you didn't realise it would hurt him. Now, he thinks you intentionally tried to hurt him.

While his response might seem odd, a healthier reaction would have been to say, "What you did hurt me, please don't do it again."

This could be related to ADHD, but ultimately, it depends on how long you've been together and if he's truly acknowledged and apologised for his actions. Trust your gut—you know him better than anyone else.

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Thank you for your perspective. You're right, I didn't think it would cause him pain or make him uncomfortable so that was an oversight on my part.

We have been together for 6 months and I have never experienced anything like this before from him. When I'm in pain and we have sex he tells me that he doesn't want to continue because he doesn't like to see me in pain. So this was a complete shock to me.

He acknowledged his behaviour, apologised and agreed to go to therapy (something I suggested given he felt the need to get me back in a sense). So I'm still quite conflicted

OP posts:

Sipina · 23/07/2024 12:42

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 12:40

Thank you for your perspective. You're right, I didn't think it would cause him pain or make him uncomfortable so that was an oversight on my part.

We have been together for 6 months and I have never experienced anything like this before from him. When I'm in pain and we have sex he tells me that he doesn't want to continue because he doesn't like to see me in pain. So this was a complete shock to me.

He acknowledged his behaviour, apologised and agreed to go to therapy (something I suggested given he felt the need to get me back in a sense). So I'm still quite conflicted

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Therapy won't cure that

I'm concerned you're replying to the one post that blames you. A few autistic people myself included have said its not normal behaviour. Perhaps therapy for yourself if you dont want to listen to your gut of it not being right. Someone intentionally hurt me, I'd be gone let alone after 6 months

Eta what do you mean when you're in pain having sex?

Startingagainandagain · 23/07/2024 12:42

''@LoveLifeBeHappy · Today 12:27

His reaction comes from the pain you caused him initially. Despite what others are saying, your actions weren't accidental; you knew what you were doing, but you didn't realise it would hurt him. Now, he thinks you intentionally tried to hurt him.

While his response might seem odd, a healthier reaction would have been to say, "What you did hurt me, please don't do it again."

This could be related to ADHD, but ultimately, it depends on how long you've been together and if he's truly acknowledged and apologised for his actions. Trust your gut—you know him better than anyone else.''

Absolute and dangerous nonsense...

The OP should not stay in a situation where a partner thinks it is OK to physically hurt her on purpose.

HoorahhoorahTheyaregoingaway · 23/07/2024 12:43

XiCi · 23/07/2024 09:18

A normal reaction from him when you leaned on his wrist would be for him to say, ow that hurts, then you'd apologise as you hadn't realised you hurt him. The fact he immediately grabbed you and inflicted pain on you shows he is a nasty bully who has no control over his anger. It doesn't matter whether you think he has undiagnosed autism. Trust your instincts and leave. This won't be the last time he lashes out

Some people seems to use the fact they have autism to treat people any way they like when in fact it's abuse.

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 12:47

Sipina · 23/07/2024 12:42

Therapy won't cure that

I'm concerned you're replying to the one post that blames you. A few autistic people myself included have said its not normal behaviour. Perhaps therapy for yourself if you dont want to listen to your gut of it not being right. Someone intentionally hurt me, I'd be gone let alone after 6 months

Eta what do you mean when you're in pain having sex?

Edited

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Apologies I'm new to the network and am trying to keep up with the posts. I'm thanking a lot of the posts and will be commenting back where I can. I commented here to respond to the 'you knew what you were doing ' comment.

Sometimes it hurts when I have sex i.e. when it goes in, so that is what I'm referring to here.

OP posts:

YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 · 23/07/2024 12:52

Dating is to see if you are compatible. Six months in and he hurts you on purpose. This relationship is over.

Sipina · 23/07/2024 12:54

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 12:47

Apologies I'm new to the network and am trying to keep up with the posts. I'm thanking a lot of the posts and will be commenting back where I can. I commented here to respond to the 'you knew what you were doing ' comment.

Sometimes it hurts when I have sex i.e. when it goes in, so that is what I'm referring to here.

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You don't need to apologise. Just please get some therapy yourself to build your self esteem to see why you don't think it's enough of a reason to leave him....that he intentionally wanted to harm you

Also not sure why it should hurt 'going in' repeatedly, that's not standard either...

TheCultureHusks · 23/07/2024 12:58

Yes I am also concerned that you’ve had almost ALL posts responding similarly - that this is a clear early warning sign, a BIG red flag for abusive behaviour.

There has been one frankly awful post trying it’s best to twist this on to you, starting with a massive piece of manipulation - ‘you knew what you were doing, it wasn’t accidental’ - utter horseshit!! - and THIS is the post you engage with.

Six months? Exactly the rough timescale I would have guessed at for the relationship. Just the point where the best behaviour starts to slip, and the real him starts to emerge.

Please, end this one before it goes ANY further.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2024 13:01

Are you routinely accepting painful sex, op? If so, why? You're referring to it as if that's what we're all doing and will get exactly what you mean. We're not, and we don't.

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:02

TheCultureHusks · 23/07/2024 12:58

Yes I am also concerned that you’ve had almost ALL posts responding similarly - that this is a clear early warning sign, a BIG red flag for abusive behaviour.

There has been one frankly awful post trying it’s best to twist this on to you, starting with a massive piece of manipulation - ‘you knew what you were doing, it wasn’t accidental’ - utter horseshit!! - and THIS is the post you engage with.

Six months? Exactly the rough timescale I would have guessed at for the relationship. Just the point where the best behaviour starts to slip, and the real him starts to emerge.

Please, end this one before it goes ANY further.

Yes at 6 months it should be the most lovey dovey can't treat you well enough excited to be with each other feeling. My asd H is much stronger than me...I have accidentally kneed him in the balls...he didn't get up and punch me in each boob or vagina...he accepted my apology even in excruciating pain as he knew it was an accident and I was gutted I hurt him even though it was an accident. He then went to make me dinner....

Ohthatsjustalotofeffort · 23/07/2024 13:04

Unfortunately I agree with others- it starts with this. It shows he thinks it’s ok to touch / hurt a woman. Where does this end and what will he do next? I think it’s the moral compass he has ingrained in him.

Random but I remember a boy in my sixth form grabbing my arm once and it hurt. I’d never been hurt by a boy before and found it really bizzare. Any way I heard his wife now ex divorced him for domestic violence and I remember thinking at the time when he did it to me that he must think it’s ok to hurt a woman.

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:15

TheCultureHusks · 23/07/2024 12:58

Yes I am also concerned that you’ve had almost ALL posts responding similarly - that this is a clear early warning sign, a BIG red flag for abusive behaviour.

There has been one frankly awful post trying it’s best to twist this on to you, starting with a massive piece of manipulation - ‘you knew what you were doing, it wasn’t accidental’ - utter horseshit!! - and THIS is the post you engage with.

Six months? Exactly the rough timescale I would have guessed at for the relationship. Just the point where the best behaviour starts to slip, and the real him starts to emerge.

Please, end this one before it goes ANY further.

Thank you for this, I'm mostly engaging with posts I don't align with because everything that's been said I agree with and have been thanking them using the hands reaction button...again new to the network didn't realise I needed to respond to each comment.

OP posts:

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:17

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:15

Thank you for this, I'm mostly engaging with posts I don't align with because everything that's been said I agree with and have been thanking them using the hands reaction button...again new to the network didn't realise I needed to respond to each comment.

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You don't have to, it just looks alarming when everyone else's posting that it's not OK

Do you think it's normal for sex to hurt?

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:19

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:17

You don't have to, it just looks alarming when everyone else's posting that it's not OK

Do you think it's normal for sex to hurt?

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Hm, I would probably say yes, it hurts only for about a minute and then it's normally i.e. no pain

OP posts:

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:19

Ohthatsjustalotofeffort · 23/07/2024 13:04

Unfortunately I agree with others- it starts with this. It shows he thinks it’s ok to touch / hurt a woman. Where does this end and what will he do next? I think it’s the moral compass he has ingrained in him.

Random but I remember a boy in my sixth form grabbing my arm once and it hurt. I’d never been hurt by a boy before and found it really bizzare. Any way I heard his wife now ex divorced him for domestic violence and I remember thinking at the time when he did it to me that he must think it’s ok to hurt a woman.

That's very true, thanks for your perspective!

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 23/07/2024 13:20

Alwaysyoudoyou · 23/07/2024 08:24

That doesn't sound okay. What you did was accidental whereas he had intent to harm you. Would be very much laying down the law that that was unacceptable behaviour and if it happened again or there were further red flags I'd be discontinuing the relationship.

This.
you - accidental
him - intended. Scrunching of the face - don’t like sound of that - indicates rage

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:20

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:19

Hm, I would probably say yes, it hurts only for about a minute and then it's normally i.e. no pain

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If you're ready, it shouldn't hurt at all, that's not normal

Are you going to dump him?

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:23

Mmhmmn · 23/07/2024 13:20

This.
you - accidental
him - intended. Scrunching of the face - don’t like sound of that - indicates rage

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Yes you're right, I think it was the face that scared me the most not the pain

OP posts:

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:25

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:23

Yes you're right, I think it was the face that scared me the most not the pain

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If it scared you, why have you not dumped him already?

No one deserves to be made to feel that way. 6 months in should be blissfully happy

Original poster

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:32

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:25

If it scared you, why have you not dumped him already?

No one deserves to be made to feel that way. 6 months in should be blissfully happy

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I think because it seems out of character to how I've come to know him. I guess I'm holding on to the person I've grown to know and be fond of and hoping this is just a blip maybe.

OP posts:

LoveLifeBeHappy · 23/07/2024 13:36

Sipina · 23/07/2024 12:39

But he's not 4 so shouldn't need to be told not to hurt her, do anything that might hurt her, intentionally do something to "just make her uncomfortable" etc etc. That's not how grown ups act and if you are autistic and don't understand not to do those things, a relationship isn't for you

Show quote history

I know people who exhibit tit-for-tat behaviour when it comes to ADHD, which is why I mentioned it. I've observed this pattern in individuals with this condition. (diagnosed family member).

From his perspective, you hurt him first, so he's responding in kind. People with ADHD often act impulsively and think later, which explains the repeated apologies.

I stand by my comment that the original poster likely knew their actions would cause pain—using your full body weight to lift yourself up on someone's wrists does put stress on the joint.

However, his reaction was still inappropriate, and there was no need to retaliate. I completely agree with that.

Whether this will lead to abusive behaviour is uncertain. We're all making assumptions and broad statements.

If you want to feel completely safe, then by all means, leave.

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:37

noraalsworth · 23/07/2024 13:32

I think because it seems out of character to how I've come to know him. I guess I'm holding on to the person I've grown to know and be fond of and hoping this is just a blip maybe.

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It's been 6 months. In the nicest way, you don't know him well yet at all

Would you ever hurt him on purpose? Or make him uncomfortable on purpose?

If a stranger in the street did that to you, would that be OK or would you call the police for assault?

If a stranger doing it to you isn't acceptable, why are you trying to excuse someone who is supposed to love/care about/sleeping with/at least like you hurting you deliberately?

Sipina · 23/07/2024 13:39

LoveLifeBeHappy · 23/07/2024 13:36

I know people who exhibit tit-for-tat behaviour when it comes to ADHD, which is why I mentioned it. I've observed this pattern in individuals with this condition. (diagnosed family member).

From his perspective, you hurt him first, so he's responding in kind. People with ADHD often act impulsively and think later, which explains the repeated apologies.

I stand by my comment that the original poster likely knew their actions would cause pain—using your full body weight to lift yourself up on someone's wrists does put stress on the joint.

However, his reaction was still inappropriate, and there was no need to retaliate. I completely agree with that.

Whether this will lead to abusive behaviour is uncertain. We're all making assumptions and broad statements.

If you want to feel completely safe, then by all means, leave.

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I have adhd too. I felt this behaviour briefly........... when I was between 5 and 7. As a grown up, if you think like that, you shouldn't be anywhere near a relationship or other people to hurt.

'If you want to feel completely safe' - ?!?! That's basic relationship 101