Boyfriend squeezed my arm

[noraalsworth]

Hi all,

The other night I held my boyfriends wrists to get up and must've squeezed them when doing so. A few moments later he grabbed my arm and squeezed it really tight whilst physically scrunching his face.

I asked him to stop and told him to get off me.

He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me, just make me feel uncomfortable like he felt uncomfortable when I squeezed his arms.

He has apologised profusely but I'm not sure if this is the first sign of abuse or not given I squeezed his wrists first?

This.

I don’t agree with what he’s done, it’s not acceptable.
However, you’re saying you squeezed his wrists to help yourself up - why? In this situation I would have said either leaned on the bed/sofa to lift myself up, or I’d have asked for his help. It makes no sense why you did what you did, and clearly to him he felt that you purposely tried to hurt him.

He deliberately tried to hurt you to punish you. Not acceptable at all. We accidentally hurt people all the time. DP and I throw tools to eachother etc sometimes it hits wrong or catches you and hurts. If I threw him a tape measure and it hit his toe would he be allowed to throw it as hard as he could at me? No.

And it's got naff all to do with autism. Autism doesn't mean you think it's acceptable to hurt people. Honestly it's so damaging to the autistic community to connect abusive, violent behaviour with autism. It implies that us autisic people are violent and abusive, and we are not.

Just FYI, the sex pain thing, sounds like you need more foreplay and lube to help relax and lubricate before penetration.

6 months is NOTHING timewise, in getting to know someone.

Remember that face, THAT is who he is when his masking slips.

You could never risk children with someone like this, that would be so selfish to do.

My large and muscly older brother once went out with a very petite lady, who had a habit of constantly slapping him on the arms. Apparently, she didn't do it maliciously but as part of everyday life. It was just something she did, mainly when joking around, laughing etc I don't know if she was even aware of it but his arms went red where she'd hit him, she did it that hard and that often. It's difficult to explain, but it was like it was a habit with her, she actually thought it was affectionate or cute. He eventually ended the relationship and she was really shocked, said she didn't realise when she was doing it, as it was so 2nd nature to her and how could a little thing like her possibly hurt a big man like him. Not once did he ever hit her back or hurt her or even threaten to. I'm not implying this is the same as your situation but there is absolutely no excuse for what your boyfriend did to you. If you hurt him, intentionally or unintentionally, then he should have told you, not planned some warped revenge.

This sounds like the episode of friends with joey and the tiny woman

What she did wasn't intentional, what he did was. Stop trying to blame her for his reaction

Not acceptable. He needed to infirm.you verbally you caused him pain. Giving you opportunity to apologise and refrain from doing it.

Squishing your face in retaliation isn't acceptable.

his arms went red where she'd hit him, she did it that hard and that often

It sounds acceptable for women to do it. If the roles were reversed, it would be a shit storm.

Women need to understand that it's not acceptable to hit men, even if they believe the man won't retaliate.

I’m not. But how do you know that it wasn’t intentional? How does he know?

I’ve clearly said what he did wasn’t acceptable, but that doesn’t mean what she did was.

His instinct was to lash out at you. It would be a red flag moment for me.

@Sipina Yes, I am a Friends fan and I remember watching that episode years ago and thinking it wasn't really funny at all to laugh at what was actually abuse.

Because she was just pushing off from him to get up

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Ultimately, it's your choice how you proceed, but it won't get better and it will happen again and again with some new excuse to explain the violence away. Is that the life you want to live?

You've been with him for six months. He causes you pain during sex. He doesn't have the ability to control his emotions.
Could you not possibly find someone slightly more appealing in general?

I’ve seen the scrunch face you speak of in people also, I feel like anybody who does this has a very nasty streak inside of them.

@LoveLifeBeHappy I'm interested to know from which part of my post do you get the impression that I think it's fine for women to hit people? I think you have totally missed my point.

Why? I can’t see any reason why she would need to squeeze his wrists in order to get up. There are plenty of other ways, and if she was really struggling then why not ask him to help her up.

Again, it doesn’t make it okay what he did, it’s unacceptable. But clearly he thinks she intentionally hurt him too

No he doesn't. The op says he wanted to make her uncomfortable as she made him uncomfortable. Either way, you don't retaliate as anything beyond toddler years

@LoveLifeBeHappy I see you have edited your post and I understand what you mean now.

He hurt you ON PURPOSE.

Op, for the love of god, get away from this man. Please be wise enough to know this isn't getting any better.

Okay just to clarify, he didn't mean to hurt me he meant to make me feel uncomfortable on purpose because he felt uncomfortable

Thank you for this, you are right. Men have many options, and violence isn't necessary

Exactly, he felt she did it on purpose because there was no reason for her to do it, so he retaliated.
Ultimately, she needs to leave.

Same difference....why are you so determined to make this behaviour OK??

I am not determined to make it ok, I'm determined for people to know what actually happened.

I came on this forum to seek advice, not be told off