Boyfriend squeezed my arm

[noraalsworth]

Hi all,

The other night I held my boyfriends wrists to get up and must've squeezed them when doing so. A few moments later he grabbed my arm and squeezed it really tight whilst physically scrunching his face.

I asked him to stop and told him to get off me.

He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me, just make me feel uncomfortable like he felt uncomfortable when I squeezed his arms.

He has apologised profusely but I'm not sure if this is the first sign of abuse or not given I squeezed his wrists first?

No one is trying to tell you off.

For those of us questioning what you did, I think it’s a valid question as there were other ways to go about it.

You have come for advice and ultimately the advice is that what your boyfriend did was not okay regardless of his reasons and you should seriously consider leaving him.

Nobody is telling you off

We get what happened. Its not OK. Painful sex isn't OK. None of what you described is OK

Good luck

Thank you for your insight and sorry for any harm caused with the reference about autism

Thanks

So I was playing with his arms and it was just a natural thing that I used them.

I get where you are coming from but it wasn't as if thought had gone into why.

He said he felt trapped and vulnerable and I understand that he must've thought the same as you, that I did it deliberately

@noraalsworth From your replies you sound a lovely person. Please don't think people are telling you off, I think we are all just concerned about you.

You did it by accident. He did it on purpose to deliberately hurt you.

Big difference. Huge.

No didn't mean it as an aggressive post about about the autism, sorry if it came across angry. Just that it's such a common excuse that people give for abusive behaviour. A person doesn't have the right or reason to treat you badly just becuase they have autism (or mental health issues).

It doesn't matter whether he's autistic or not, he doesn't get to physically hurt you in retaliation for an honest mistake.

I'm autistic and I take an extremely dim view of autism being used as an excuse to abuse.

Leave the bastard.

@Weatherwax13

im very impressed, that takes some doing after 30 years together & it being he first time! You well & truly learnt the lesson in your previous relationship. I'm impressed!

I'm very sad for you that it happened though, just at a stage of life where you feel settled for your future xx

If you were hurting him by accident he should have told you that, not done it back to you harder.

He sounds dangerous, spiteful and lacking in the normal social boundaries that usually stop men from hitting women, hurting them and worse.

Escape now.

@noraalsworth

take a leaf out of @Weatherwax13 s book!!

if he's not diagnosed I wouldn't be making any allowance for his self stated autism. I know quite a few autistic adults and none of them would behave like this anyway.

A 'man' that chooses to hurt you instead of using his words... nope. I'm far too forgiving & soft by nature, but no way would I be putting up with that!!

I get that, but it doesn’t make what he did okay. He should have just had that discussion with you, not made you “uncomfortable” to teach you a lesson.
It was an extreme overreaction, and I’d be concerned what he might do the next time he feels like this

I would expect him to push you out of his space or freeze if he felt trapped, not retaliate. Retaliation is an act of revenge, not fear.

At six months in, I have things in my freezer that are older than your relationship.

Massive RED flag

@noraalsworth

'Yes I agree, it's hard because I think he is autistic (undiagnosed) and so he struggles to understand basic social etiquette and I don't really know how that fits in or whether it even does. But you're right physical makes it worse.'

You've even started making excuses for him - which is normal because you are a nice person. Please walk away now before it gets worse.

Does he have an official ASD diagnosis? If you are NT, you are setting yourself up for being with someone who will often behave in unexpected ways. What I've learnt through the years and having a thing for clever men in my youth ( some also ND), is that although being different can seem interesting to start with, the novelty wears thin and it ends up feeling like hard work. You can chose to not have to put the work in and be 'understanding'.
He could of reacted badly because being touched and restricted is not a thing people with autism respond well to.
It would make me look at other possible issues, and I'd explain why what he did was not on and verbalise his dislike at the time is more appropriate. One chance only if it was isolated.

6 months in is common for abuse to start I think.

This is the point where if you stay months/years (depending on how quickly it escalates) from now, you will think THAT is when I should have ended it.

ND is not a licence for abuse. If he has sensitivity issues - how come this is the first time it has come up? It is only about power and control.

This is not a pile on OP. We want the best for you

It can really hurt to have someone grabbing one by the wrists to haul themselves up - If one cannot hoist oneself up, it's best to ask for a hand up.

I wonder if he felt that dragging,. burning pain and rather than saying ''OUCH! let GO!'' he retaliated to show how much it hurts.

No one should be hurting the other.

He didn't want to hurt you? He's lying. He wanted to lash out, retaliate in kind. To hurt you.

His reaction to it should have been to tell you to stop it, you were hurting him, and even though it was not intentional you should have apologised.

Fast forward a few years - your toddler flails their arms and thumps him in the eye.

Your puppy bites him.

What will he do to them?

Autistic my arse. Plenty of autistic people are kind, gentle, empathic people.

Do not hand him an excuse on a plate.

Victim blaming

This!!

I’d cool the relationship and move on. The mask slipped.

Bin.
💩🗑️🔚

Okay just to clarify, he didn't mean to hurt me he meant to make me feel uncomfortable on purpose because he felt uncomfortable

What difference does that make, in terms of whether he was physically retaliating against you?