Threesome went wrong

[Cherryblossom85]

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

What university do your children go.to that they are only finishing now?

For « regular sex » ( by which I mean two people in a relationship doing your standard bedroom activities) you need a certain level of emotional intelligence and communication skills for things to work out well.

Once you step outside « regular sex » you need 100 times the communication and maturity. Comes up with swinging, threesomes, bondage etc. Most people don’t have the maturity for these things to work out, as very well demonstrated here. Seems like he had a certain fantasy in his head revolving around him. When that didn’t pan out he reacted terribly.

@Cherryblossom85 The thing is, if he is going to try and be adventurous in bed, he will need to take experiments in his stride. Some will work and others wont. Its a journey. And he needs to learn to communicate with words and not by sulking. Threesomes will always carry risks that couplehood doesnt have. And this is one of the many. Women are not black boxes with input (d*) and output (fake ooohs and haaas). Feelings can change in the moment. The fantasy might be scary or a dud. He has to roll with that, talking it out and move on wiser.

Just looking at how he has handled this gives you great insight Into how he handles anything in life remotely negative or hard for him. He doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms. That alone means you won't be able to have a healthy equal relationship with him untill he matures which he should of already done/doesnt see the need.

Sounds like you've have a wonderful experience with the women though perhaps pursue that or just have fun for a while exploring.

I laughed out loud reading this. he got a good reality check, didn't he
OP leave this dumb shit

How wierd and too personal. They finished weeks ago, they still had tenancy at thier halls ... if u must know 🤣🤣🤣

Please come back and tell us you’ve dumped him and are in a whirlwind romance with her. I’m over invested 😂

I'd dump him off and make arrangements to see her again, should you so wish.

He's shown you how he behaves when things don't go his way. He's having a literal tantrum. Your kids have grown, you don't need a replacement!

Yes, and it was never going to end well.

I’m another one who immediately thought of the Friends scenario when reading your OP 😁

I also think you’d be better off finishing with him as it has obviously affected the way he feels about you in that he was unable to ‘perform’ with you the following morning.
I think you run a very real risk of him throwing your obvious enjoyment of the encounter in your face for weeks and months to come if you decide to stay with him.

@fluffiphlox dont mind me. I responded in jest because your post was funny and gave me the image of the Queen E knitting and sighing at the horrors of 3somes. Then I thought, or may be looking forward to her orgy 😂Am not English hence "Your Queen"!

Well it kind of has for me, I've discovered a different side to myself

Why has she too shower obsessively

Each to their own, they are adults

I think you've had a VERY good vision of what him being disappointed looks like...

He takes it out on you.

It's not your fault that she found you more attractive and didn't in the end really want to be intimate with him.

It is not your fault that the reality did not match up to the fantasy.

You ended things as soon as it was clear he wasn't happy to continue, can't see any fault there either.

Fantasies are great - theres no awkwardness, everyone knows what to do to whom, how, and when. Theres no surprising 'oh, that actually makes me feel jealous/left out/uncomfortable' emotions in a fantasy.

In real life, this is not the case!

My partner realised he didn't like the reality of a threesome, the bit he hadn't foreseen tbh was being instructed/told what to do by TWO women rather than one (he does have PDA... ). This was a planned threesome with someone else we knew very well, and it was discussed over the course of several months.

It was 'a success' but on discussion afterwards, not something we wanted to repeat. Everyone remained friends and my partner did not behave like a toddler who didn't get an iPad from Santa - DP and I are still together almost 20 years later.

I think if you've got the ick, having seen how he handles things not going his way, disappointment etc... you should leave. I don't think he's going to be capable of changing that.

If laughing at this is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

The 19th century called, it wants its moral outrage back.

This isn't just about the threesome, it's bigger than that.

It's about how your DP acts when things don't go to plan. He's shown he doesn't know how to communicate like an adult / is emotionally immature. This really does not bode well.

That the woman is interested in you is lovely a bonus, and I reckon you should definitely go for it if you want to. But that's a separate issue to his behaviour.
I
reckon you should definitely LTB, you deserve better than a sulky man child.

@Cherryblossom85 as previous poster has said . He thought he was getting two women’s attention and he was going to be amazing .

His ego had been bruised at the rejection.
He wouldn’t have minded having two workers to sleep with though .
Usually the women that feels put out in this scenario.

Tike to move on OP . He isn’t for you .

I dunno, seems like OP might just lose herself a literal man child and have a few orgasms on the side.

Sounds like a happy ending to me!

I hope this is a wind up! 🙄

What a weird comment! My son's Uni accommodation tenancy ran from September to end of August. His Uni teachings/exams finished in June. He could come home any time during July and August - he tended to stay as long as he had friends still there and they were doing things, and come home when the rest of them had gone. It's usually just Uni's own halls that close at end of June and everyone has to vacate. Private Uni flats/houses often have longer tenancies so students can stay and work through Summer.

It's definitely something you should explore. There's nothing to lose, and possibly lots to gain.

Mine finished uni in May!

Maybe in a conventional relationship it may be a betrayal but it seems like this is not- and he was the one that encouraged that. It’s now clear that the relationship is not cut out for polyamory, and the reasons for that are probably the same reasons that you’ve suddenly felt this loss of attraction to your boyfriend. Things like his fragile ego, his pushiness but for something that was clearly only for himself, lack of trust, jealousy, wanting things only on his terms, and then subsequently his rudeness, sulkiness and being tight (the breakfast issue is him feeling like he didn’t get his money’s worth for the night away imo- bet he wouldn’t have complained if the night had gone his way. Gross). He has exposed himself as all these things during this relatively short interaction, so if you open up the feeing of ‘the ick’ and look into why, it’s no wonder you are suddenly feeling the loss of attraction.

If you can’t work with these traits (I wouldn’t) it’s ok to say ‘I’m sorry X, but this situation has made me see some traits in you that I don’t like in a partner, and l don’t wan’t to continue our relationship anymore.’ You could tell him this before pursuing anything with the woman, if you did want to pursue it, if you wanted to make sure you didn’t feel that there was an overlap.

Sorry why does it matter if you have children, are you not allowed to have anything other than vanilla sex if you do?
Also, why would you shower 5 times for, are you scared you would get germs from another woman?