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Threesome went wrong

838 replies

Cherryblossom85 · 22/07/2024 10:29

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Beautiful3 · 22/07/2024 12:09

Ew. He just wanted to be able to sleep with another woman with your permission. He wasn't interested in your needs because he sent her home. I wouldn't want to continue this relationship at all. I wouldn't venture into that at all, nothing good will come from that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/07/2024 12:11

yousexybugger · 22/07/2024 12:02

She 'got into it' consensually trying something new with a partner she is/was close to.

Granted, it didn't go to plan but why on earth do you pity her grown up kids?! What have they got to do with anything? I'm sure whilst they'd rather walk across hot coals than think about their mother's love life, they don't begrudge her one.

What's revolting about a threes-up?! Goodness

@Nosummerontheagenda this! ⬆️

Rewis · 22/07/2024 12:11

I can kinda understand him. It doenst necessarily need to be about him assuming he would be the centre if attention and two women desperate to please him. But clearly she was into op, she didn't want the bf to touch her, he could feel she had no attraction to him and therefore he wouldn't get anything. The agreement was a threesome and he was going to be the watcher in his own fantasy that he organised. When it qas apparent she wasnt into him it should have been stopped. He night be a bit childish about it and you should talk.about it like adults.

Smartstuffed · 22/07/2024 12:11

He's guilty of mis-selling the event from the sound of it. If I understood correctly he said he wanted to watch the two of you 'getting it on' and somehow expected the two of you to intuit his needs... leading to a bruised ego and the strops! An insight into how he operates.

taylorswift1989 · 22/07/2024 12:12

Noodlehen · 22/07/2024 12:07

I would have the biggest ick about his behaviour the two weeks prior, and the sulking since but I completely get why he’d have been annoyed during the actual event - he’s your partner not her and you two should have been the priority. You should never have continued after you watched her “wince” at your boyfriend, even if you were enjoying it.

No, it's a threesome - she's not there as their sex prop. She's a person too. It's about all three of them. She doesn't have to prioritise them because they're a couple. I'd say she should prioritise herself, as she's the most vulnerable.

Seeing her wince and carrying on, though, I agree with hindsight was a bad idea. It should have stopped there, for her sake.

Longdueachange · 22/07/2024 12:12

I just think its funny that his fantasy was probably all about two women fawning over him, but when it came too he wasn't the centre of attention and couldn't stand it. Imo you should ditch him and give her a call.

Borninabarn32 · 22/07/2024 12:13

He clearly didn't communicate well enough with her. Or she lied about her interest. DP and I swing. It's very obviously when someone is only interested in one member of the couple. We don't mix with those people as we know it doesn't work for us.

He's sulking because he hadn't thought about it properly, expected you both to be all over him and his ego has taken a huge hit. Which is perfectly understandable actually, threesomes go wrong, people feel left out (foursomes work alot better).

The major problem is that he's been unable to communicate his feelings properly, has blamed you for something you had no control over and has sulked rather than addressing the problem. Red flag for a relationship in general never mind one with swinging involved.

Edit to add, a fantasy involving yourself being the center of desire from multiple people is not wrong or selfish or anything and can be fulfilled within a relationship, but requires a massive amount of communication and openness between a couple.

yousexybugger · 22/07/2024 12:13

Watchkeys · 22/07/2024 11:58

@yousexybugger

I would say threesomes are, in my mind, either for casual fun or practiced swingers, not spicing up an invested relationship with no experience of how to manage group dynamics

How do you get to be practiced swingers, though? Surely that's a definition of an invested relationship who must have started with a first time?

I did put a line in about that and deleted it because I realised it was a bit of a gap but I was waffling.

Suppose that's the tricky bit (and I'm not an expert or anything) but maybe groups or parties like I say, or starting as a more established couple.

suppose my point is that people, like the OP's partner, will think 'threesome sounds sexy, I've seen loads of those in porn and heard it mentioned, must be pretty harmless' and don't really think through the potential emotional effects of introducing a third party.

I just think it sounds quite disproportionately 'entry level' but actually would be quite easy to mess up without experience, giving imbalanced attention etc as it's a fairly focussed environment with a lot of ego at stake

TheHuntSyndicate · 22/07/2024 12:13

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Uselesssil · 22/07/2024 12:14

Reminds me of bff’s dd. Her dh suggested a threesome, which she wasn’t originally keen on but eventually agreed to. It went pretty much the way OP’s experience went, the woman all over her and not him. Ended up she and he divorced, but she continued to see the woman. They married and now have a dd, to go with her 2 ds’s from her and husband’s marriage. Things don’t always pan out the way you expect!

Lougle · 22/07/2024 12:17

That word 'couple' means two.

1AngelicFruitCake · 22/07/2024 12:17

Like Ross from Friends!

ttcat37 · 22/07/2024 12:19

Sounds like you need to dump him and give her a call!

Cherryblossom85 · 22/07/2024 12:21

For those who have suggested I msg her , I feel this is a betrayal while I'm still with my partner and deciding what to do however she has messaged me this morning asking to see me, I'm not sure what to do atm I wont be doing anything behind his back however I'm also not sure I ever want to see him again atm!

OP posts:
Cherryblossom85 · 22/07/2024 12:22

Lougle · 22/07/2024 12:17

That word 'couple' means two.

The word Threesome means 3

OP posts:
runrabbitruns · 22/07/2024 12:23

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Oh my. You need to get out a bit more love.

YouJustDoYou · 22/07/2024 12:23

Cherryblossom85 · 22/07/2024 12:21

For those who have suggested I msg her , I feel this is a betrayal while I'm still with my partner and deciding what to do however she has messaged me this morning asking to see me, I'm not sure what to do atm I wont be doing anything behind his back however I'm also not sure I ever want to see him again atm!

Oh come on, op, he's shown you his true colours. Don't waste anymore precious life on this petulant loser.

BigPussyEnergy · 22/07/2024 12:23

Oh go for it OP! Meet her for a chat and see what happens, your BF can’t be upset about it, he’s the one who brought her into your relationship. Dump him asap as he sounds like a whiny child.

Cantdonumbers · 22/07/2024 12:23

The worst thing about threesomes for me was that it destroyed my fantasies forever. My partner and I both decided it wasn't for us and moved on, but I really miss the fantasies!

Galoop · 22/07/2024 12:24

Dump him, he's giving you the ick anyway. Call her 🙂

taxguru · 22/07/2024 12:24

Cherryblossom85 · 22/07/2024 12:21

For those who have suggested I msg her , I feel this is a betrayal while I'm still with my partner and deciding what to do however she has messaged me this morning asking to see me, I'm not sure what to do atm I wont be doing anything behind his back however I'm also not sure I ever want to see him again atm!

Ditch him and arrange a date with her.

What would you want to continue your relationship with this man-child?

Sunisshiningweatherissweet2 · 22/07/2024 12:25

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🙄

chickennoodless · 22/07/2024 12:26

Dump him and ask her out 👍🏻

Mrsgreen100 · 22/07/2024 12:28

Sounds as if you got a real idea of who this guy is
be thankful you saw him as he is
get rid
he’s not your person

Apileofballyhoo · 22/07/2024 12:29

OP, I nearly wish I was bi, you sound great. Your BF not so much.