Threesome went wrong

[Cherryblossom85]

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

@Lacky301

no, Hun.

the fantasy didn’t ruin it, the threesome didn’t ruin it - he did that all by himself by being a prick.

No mate, just you.

Thanks aren't anonymous.

Not all men. Only the entitled wankers.

No. I think the threesome caused the ex to drop the mask sooner, which has to be a good thing.

He should've gone and made a sandwich like Ross

Delighted for you. Onwards and upwards and I hope it works out for you and have a great time.

Successful swinging requires a very solid relationship, any cracks will get wide open when going on to
this sort of scenario, again… it’s like going on to a long trip together, having a baby or dealing with a difficult mother in law.

Consent was for a threesome though.
So consent wasn't actually there at all in the first place for him to just watch her play with his girlfriend.

It's not much different in my eyes than if the agreement initially was that just 2 out of the 3 were going to interact sexually and the other was going to watch, but then just decides to join in. You can't just assume consent for an entirely different sexual experience.

And I think mutual threesome versus just watching is a completely different sexual experience.

"any cracks will get wide open"

Might want to reward that

😳

🤣😂🤣

HAHAHAHA 😂😂

That's rather an interesting frame of reference for what happened. He did not "consent" not to have the unicorn touch him, so by not being all over him, she was in breach of his consent.

At any rate, she left when he withdrew his "consent" not to have her hands and mouth on him, so she still didn't do anything wrong. And the way he has acted since - wanting a revenge scenario on OP - is a clear indication of his character even if the threesome didn't make it plain enough.

So what exactly are you offended about? Things didn't go as he wanted so it ended and the unicorn left. What more do you want?

No not at all. Please don't try to twist what I'm saying.

He did not consent to just watching his partner with someone else, which is a completely different sexual experience or kink, like voyeur/exhibitionist.

Some people are happy to have threesomes but would never consent to just being a voyeur. They are very different things.

I'd never be a third in a threesome but if I did plan to have one, and then realised that I didn't want to participate with one of the partners, I wouldn't assume I have consent to change what was planned and just fuck one of them in front of the other. I'd be honest.

I bet people would see this completely differently if she had ignored the OP and not the man. They'd think the woman had an exhibitionist kink and just involved the OP in her kink without her consent.

I'm not 'offended'. I just don't think she comes across as great in the situation at all and I see red flags.

It’s the ops job to consent if she wants sex wiht this woman, not his. She consented. He wanted it to stop, she agreed, but the op could have rold him to leave. The only consent required was the op and rhis woman. The woman was able to withdraw her consent to have sex with him at any point.

both women had equal say in consent for their own activities. His only consent was to what he alone did.

No, once there is someone else there then their consent is required also or else you're just involving them in something without their consent.

Yep the OP and this woman could absolutely have told him to leave and carried on. That's completely different because then it's not in front of him so his consent doesn't matter.

He did not consent to just watching his partner with someone else, which is a completely different sexual experience or kink, like voyeur/exhibitionist.

So he revoked consent and it ended and she left. From what she said afterwards, it hadn't been her initial plan to leave him out, but she revoked her consent because she could tell he was a prick.

He decided he wasn't enjoying it, so it stopped. What are you complaining about?

I do think pp has a point. Imagine if the other woman had been into the boyfriend but not OP, and had proceeded to get it on with the boyfriend and ignore OP. The right thing to do in those circs would obviously be to call a halt to the whole thing.

Agreeing to a threesome is not the same as agreeing to your partner sleeping with someone else without you. It’s not just about consenting to take part in the threesome but about the agreement between OP and her boyfriend about the terms on which they were bringing a third party into an otherwise monogamous relationship.

I still think the boyfriend’s reaction- only seeing the whole thing in terms of his own fantasy- is very poor. But I also think OP behaved quite poorly.

Consent has to be given in the first place for it to be revoked.

Yeah she thinks he's an entitled prick, fair enough. I also think that she came off as very entitled too. My opinion.

What do you mean what am I complaining about? I'm just giving my opinion ffs 😂

It was a sexual experiment. Nobody knew exactly how it would go; they could only say that they'd try it out and it would stop if someone didn't like it.

The unicorn didn't like him touching her and revoked consent. He didn't like that, so he revoked consent for the whole thing, and it stopped. You can't retroactively put her in the wrong because he didn't consent to have her realise he was a prick and reject him. You can't revoke your consent for someone's right to reject you. That's not how it works.

You appear to be arguing not only that the issue is framed around him not consenting to a woman not being all over him, and also for people (men) never to have a sexual experience that doesn't go exactly as they planned because they didn't consent to have a crap time when someone didn't like them. Even when everything stops at their say so.

I know, I know, I saw the earlier post, you're all for women's rights etc. Just not when it comes to men wanting threesomes and then women are somehow retroactively breaching consent for changing their minds and stopping when the bloke requests it. Whatever.

I agree with you and feel the argument the poster is twisting himself into knots to make to support the man, is nonsensical. And I say himself as I think it’s becoming clear it’s a man.

Please stop twisting what I have said.

You can't revoke your consent for someone's right to reject you.
I never implied anything of the sort at all so stop twisting what I have said.

She was allowed to say at any time that she didn't want to do anything with him. At any time. Even if she had already banged the OP.

But once she knew that she didn't want anything to do with him, and carried on with the OP without making it clear that she wasn't interested in the planned threesome then that's the point where she started to be wrong and was assuming consent for something that hadn't been agreed...essentially that they played and he just got to watch.

You appear to be arguing not only that the issue is framed around him not consenting to a woman not being all over him.

No I'm not at all. She had the right to not want him to touch her at all. She just should have told him that so that then he could decide whether he wanted to consent or not.

She could have just said "I don't want to have a threesome any more, can we continue just me and her?".

and also for people (men) never to have a sexual experience that doesn't go exactly as they planned because they didn't consent to have a crap time when someone didn't like them. Even when everything stops at their say so.

Nope not at all. What a huge reach that you just plucked for thin air.

I'd feel the exact same if this had been 3 women or if the woman had only fucked the man after ruling the OP out. She was within her rights to rule either of them but she just should have said and not just assumed she had consent to turn the threesome into something else.

Stop twisting the use of the word consent, and specifically stop trying to attribute the weird use of the concept of consent to my words when I have been clear.

He consented to a threesome.
He did not consent to being a voyeur or a cuck.

Someone else might consent to being a voyeur or a cuck, but they might not consent to a threesome.

And consenting to something doesn't mean that you get it, but it does not mean that you have consented to something else.

May I ask if the term 'the guest artist' is an expression adopted by those who participate in threesomes. I'd never heard it before & had to laugh when I read it a few times on this thread. 🤣🤦‍♀️

To be clear, I pretty much hate men! 😂
99.9999% of the time I'll take the womans side.
I think most men are pricks, and am not one bit ashamed of openly saying that!
Check my post history if you want, I am definitely not a man!! 😂

But in this particular case I think the third came off just as badly as him, and the gender doesn't come into it, because I would feel the same if this was 3 women, or if the third had been a man, or if the third had only focused on the man and not the OP.

That's a lot of words for "mental gymnastics around male consent because a woman doesn't like him".

At worst, she was bad in bed (though OP would beg to differ). I'm not sure if you're thinking of entitlement or consent because you seem to be pinging between the two based on whichever claim just got refuted. Doesn't matter, it's neither.

Some men would have been happy to have interaction with one woman while the other one focused on his partner. He wasn't one of them, fine. He spoke, it ended. No breach of consent, no entitlement. Just a sexual experiment with someone they didn't really know and which turned out to have the wrong dynamic. You can't "not consent" to that.