Finances and Holidays

[QuickAzureBee]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years, we bought a house together 3 years ago. She has 2 girls and I have 1 boy. I have worked 3 jobs since we have met and covered all the bills as well as payed for the majority of a court case she went through with her ex which was around £25000. My girlfriend worked part time during this and covered the food bills. She has recently got a decent job with a good salary so I asked about sitting down and looking at our finances as I am left with no money by the time it comes to all the bills being paid. My suggestion was to pay a percentage each which reflects our wages and also have a pot for home improvements, holidays etc. when it came to sitting down I was told I am controlling. Within the same couple of weeks she says to my that she has booked a week off work at her new job so we can all go on holiday. After when checking everyone's calendar my son is away with his mum for the first 2 days. So I said about booking a holiday a couple days later so we can all go. She said no and that she is going away with her girls on that date no matter what. I have said that this is unfair and I do not have the finances to just go and say right I'm going away with my son and book a holiday. She has now gone and booked the holiday with just her and her 2 daughters which leaves me and my son not being able to have a holiday. I am thinking of leaving the relationship because of this. Do you think I'm wrong for feeling and being like that or am I over thinking it?

I think you are being perfectly reasonable here. It isn’t controlling to ask for a more equitable financial split. She has chosen to share a life with you and your son, she should factor you both in to any family plans.

She is clearly happy to prioritise herself and her two girls over you and your son. You should make sure your priorities are therefore your son and your happiness.

If she isn’t even willing to have a discussion about this, then leaving may well be your only option.

Leave.

She's taken you for a mug and was happy to take, take, take while you work 3 jobs but when it comes to things being more equal she's still laughing at you. Her attitude is completely "your money is my money and my money is also my money". Its grabby and grubby.

When she's on her girls holiday use it as an opportunity to separate and work out what that involves for things like the house etc.

She sounds like a gold digger. What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers too. When you try and address things fairly she calls you controlling. Charming!
Were there any signs of this before?

It's been 5 years and she is still your girlfriend. I wouldn't be investing in you either.

😂 What title would you like her to have? It was the best way for me to describe me as the the make and her as the female.

I never really seen any signs before but now looking back I do.

She sounds selfish. Your financial plan was fair as was your request to move the holiday. You should have decided the dates together so it worked for everyone. I suspect she knew your son wouldn’t be able to make it.

After five years she should be your wife. Having a girlfriend for five years is a joke.

With the holidays we have always looked at the dates that I can get off work and the dates all the children are free as we are a blended family. But she is saying it's half my fault for not telling her the dates my son is not available. But like I said previously we have sat down, looked at dates and then booked.

Thanks for your opinion 👍🏻

Given her greedy behaviour I'd say OP is eminently sensible NOT to have married her. She'd probably divorce him after a couple of years and make sure she grabbed half his pension and savings.

I will say that as you share a household, "partner" would be more a appropriate term than "girlfriend".

It's not greedy to not pay for your boyfriend and his son's holiday. What savings? He can't even afford to go on a holiday she's already paying the accomidation on.

I understand that but I wanted to make it clear who was the male and female. But yes in general I use the term partner. I was just trying to explain the situation of whom is the male and female in this relationship.

Because he covers all the household bills except food, and covered her £25k legal bill. Did you miss that? If she's not going to pay her way then yes i do think she should treat him to a holiday.

The reason I cannot afford to pay for a holiday is because I cover all the mortgage bills etc. Why should one partner in the relationship have the funds to book a holiday and the other shouldn't. That would be like me saying only me and my son can have a bath this week because I pay the water and gas bill and need to keep the cost down which would be completely wrong. It's the same thing.

But it is greedy not to contribute more to general day to day living when you can. He has no money as he's covering the majority of the bills, yet she has plenty for a holiday.

Good on her for setting boundaries for a man who isn't committed to her. More women should take this approach. If you want husband treatment, get married.

She’s not a keeper and not wife material as she hasn’t the skills or the inclination to have an equal conversation.

How about common decency, respect and basic manners? Are they only for married people too? What about teamwork, compromise and partnerships?

Why is it ok for her to take advantage of someone? It's grim. If he did that to her you'd be all over him and not praising him for looking after himself because she hasn't offered him a ring.

Also, I think paying all the bills and HER legal bills does show commitment.

She has no intention to pay for the boring living necessities and that's why she booked the holiday, out of spite. Every penny you've spent supporting her and her DC is a penny less for your DC. You are not a team.

But you know now. I would end it.

I cannot believe the amount of adults who do not think they should have to pay for themselves and their DC.

@StrawberryWater Taking advantage of somebody is being in a relationship with them for five years with zero intention to commit. It doesn't take five years to know whether or not you want to marry somebody.

Not paying for somebody else's holiday is not a lack of respect. Expecting somebody else to pay is disrespectful.

Compromise and partnership is wifework, not girlfriendwork.

Maybe at some unconscious level he knew that she was not partnership material. Marriage should not be rushed especially when there are no children in common.

I never once said I expect her to pay for the holiday. I expected that if we are being a blended family then that's how it is. Not when it suits. I would not go on holiday with my partner and my son and leave her 2 children behind. You are just being an advocate for marriage. That's not what this post was about. It was about what is even in the relationship and what people think of the situation. I understand your views on marriage but not everyone has them views. I have shown commitment over the last 5 years by supporting her emotionally and financially whilst she was going through a divorce with her previous husband. Also you don't know if she wanted to marry again or not. Like I said this post was not for people to rabbit on about marriage. It was to get outsider opinions to see if I am over thinking my situation and if it is right as it does not feel right to me.

This is really problematic. You say you have a house together. How is that set up, in legal and financial terms? I hope you protected your deposit and that you have a way to disentangle yourself from this mess without losing everything.

PS: Just ignore the "why didn't you get married" brigade. Be grateful that you're not married to a gold digger, that would be even harder to sort out.