Finances and Holidays

[QuickAzureBee]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years, we bought a house together 3 years ago. She has 2 girls and I have 1 boy. I have worked 3 jobs since we have met and covered all the bills as well as payed for the majority of a court case she went through with her ex which was around £25000. My girlfriend worked part time during this and covered the food bills. She has recently got a decent job with a good salary so I asked about sitting down and looking at our finances as I am left with no money by the time it comes to all the bills being paid. My suggestion was to pay a percentage each which reflects our wages and also have a pot for home improvements, holidays etc. when it came to sitting down I was told I am controlling. Within the same couple of weeks she says to my that she has booked a week off work at her new job so we can all go on holiday. After when checking everyone's calendar my son is away with his mum for the first 2 days. So I said about booking a holiday a couple days later so we can all go. She said no and that she is going away with her girls on that date no matter what. I have said that this is unfair and I do not have the finances to just go and say right I'm going away with my son and book a holiday. She has now gone and booked the holiday with just her and her 2 daughters which leaves me and my son not being able to have a holiday. I am thinking of leaving the relationship because of this. Do you think I'm wrong for feeling and being like that or am I over thinking it?

Obviously it would be messy and the last thing I ever wanted. We both put in to the deposit and I would walk away with my share which she argues the amount I put in because I accumulated some of my deposit after we met. My partner also says to me that it is ok for me as I would be able to go and get a mortgage straight away because of my job and she wouldn't. Which does make me feel guilty but at the same time I have not made the situation the situation. If that makes sense.

She is being extremely selfish not a trait I'd want in a partner.

It's terrible when one person is funding all bills and they are literally use all their money to do so and the other person won't spend a penny to help out.

Leave and send her a bill for £25k.

Can you clearly explain the housing situation regards ownership and what she has paid ? Tbh though she sounds as if she is taking you for a ride.

The house is down in both our names 50 50. My partner put in £110,000 and I put in £80,000 but out of my £80,000 £50,000 came at the beginning of the relationship but it was for the work I had done for the previous 12 years.

Leave.
Leave
Leave.

The house is down in both our names 50 50. My partner put in £110,000 and I put in £80,000 but out of my £80,000 £50,000 came at the beginning of the relationship but it was for the work I had done for the previous 12 years.

That sounds pretty fair and equal (deposit wise) when you've also contributed £25k to her legal fees.

No idea why some posters keep banging on about marriage. If I was divorced or widowed and then got a new partner, no way in hell would I want to remarry. It would hugely put at risk the assets I'd want to leave to my children. Children are owed a greater commitment than a new partner!

I'm astounded by your update that she said it wouldn't be "fair" if you split up because you could get a mortgage due to your job. Surely the answer would be that she would need to improve her own job situation. She seems to think she's a princess who deserves to be funded so she can keep her own money for treats.

This!

She sounds awful (and the fact she's already questioning your share of the house deposit shows how her selfish grabby brain works)

Sounds like you've got yourself into a right mess OP. She's taking advantage of you. You're obviously also paying for her children as well.

She sounds very self absorbed. Thank your lucky stars you aren't married. I would dump her. Sell the house, split the proceeds and find someone who values more than your cash.

In the absence of making a "living together " agreement you will have to negotiate this now. I'm not sure what your point is about you having worked for so many years to get your deposit ? Did she not do the same ? It seems to be more evenly split than you initially suggested. Sell the property and recoup your deposits. Time to move on.

It came up a couple of years ago about if I died I would give my son 55 to make it so all 3 have the same amount and I would then split the difference between the 3 of them. Thinking back she got a bit peed off because she thought I said I would just split my half between the 3. I had to explain that that would mean her girls have 55 more each then my son and that is unfair. Where as technically I could give all my half to my son. (I brought up the conversation at the time)

@Meowzabubz
It was ok for OP to cover a £25,000 legal bill? her wages are for her and his is for everyone, you're deluded.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I've been with my DH 10 years now, young couple brought our home at 24/25, currently pregnant with our first. We've always split everything right down the middle, into a joint account equally.. that includes car insurance, food bill, gas,electric, mortgage, council tax, life insurance etc etc, then Whatever is left of ours to do as we please with. If we decide we want to buy big something for the home, garden, holiday etc we both put equal parts into a savings account and buy it.

We've saved considerably to cover maternity leave so we can sub our joint account from the savings when I'm on leave, still allowing me the freedom to do what I wish. When maternity leave it up I'll be returning part time to my job (I'm quiet high up so can afford a small pay decrease) but once I am back earning I will again split it half ways. He'd never see me go without and vice versa.

She sounds very entitled but then also, you played a mugs game for financially providing for her including paying her legal fees especially after being together a relatively short time.
In saying that, I've always considered myself a very independent woman and wouldn't want a man paying my way, that way if anything ever went south I can cover myself.

If your home jointly owned?

Yes jointly owned

I don’t get the marriage bit either with a blended family and both having children marriage isn’t something to step into without proper thought and here I would say the OP was wise not too

walk away for your son

@QuickAzureBee then I would attempt to have the sit down chat with her again regarding equal shares of the bills now she is earning, do It with a calm approach but be matter of fact. If she still isn't interested, then give her the alternative, which is you sell the home, walk away with equal shares, and she'll have to pay her own way.
She can't have it all ways. Very entitled behaviour.

Don't be ridiculous. Its 2024, not Victorian times!

These comments are not fair at all! I've been someone's GF for longer than 5 years before. They have a house together so I can't understand the fuss about marriage. Let's not derail!

Don’t bite for goady PP’s after a reaction - it’s a waste of time!

OP if the roles were reversed here, the word cocklodger would be used. She sounds extremely selfish imo. What’s hers is hers and what’s yours is shared.

I don’t think I could get past the holiday tbh. It seems like it’s all about her wants and not you all as a blended family.

Definitely not right OP, ideally it would be all money in one pot, all bills out of that pot and then whatever is left split between you so that you each have equal money. You could do the same thing the way you have suggested, both contribute a % so you are both left with the same amount of “fun money”. It’s absolutely wrong that you’re paying all the “boring” bits so that she is left with the money to book holidays.

Honestly get out now. Smaller house, less on bills and a better life for you and your son!

You are not being unreasonable. It is not unreasonable to want a fairer agreement with finances and it's not controlling to want a conversation about it. I have always been fortunate enough to pay my way but had I been in her position then got a job with a decent salary I would WANT to redress the balance and make sure we all had a nice holiday together as a way to show how much I appreciated you carrying the weight of supporting the family.

If this is opening your eyes to other selfish behaviour, you are not being unreasonable to question the relationship

You have yourself a labialodger.

Whilst luckily your housing deposit sounds pretty fair, in every other situation she has shown that you and your son come second to her and her daughters. She is happy to take whatever she can from you for her own brood. She does not consider you to be family. You are very lucky you have not married because I very much doubt she would have adjusted her stance. It would simply be an opportunity to take what she could to divert to her daughters. She doesn't even want to spend time with you and your son, let alone money.

Leave. Prioritise your son. Don't be that kind of a man.

OP, ignore all the its been 5years she should be your wife. That’s utter shite. You have clearly been committed in your 5years together i.e house, helped clear majority of the debt & bills. Now that things are looking up, she has decided to leave you behind and is making plans alone without regarding you.

True colours are showing on her end so take it as is and put yourself and your son first. Don’t let someone show you twice! You do deserve better (in the least someone considerate)!! 🥃🥃

I have sat down 4 times with her and she doesn't get it. It leads to an argument every time.

Regarding the 10 years. That was before I met her and because I got it after we met she is claiming that half is hers.