Finances and Holidays

[QuickAzureBee]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years, we bought a house together 3 years ago. She has 2 girls and I have 1 boy. I have worked 3 jobs since we have met and covered all the bills as well as payed for the majority of a court case she went through with her ex which was around £25000. My girlfriend worked part time during this and covered the food bills. She has recently got a decent job with a good salary so I asked about sitting down and looking at our finances as I am left with no money by the time it comes to all the bills being paid. My suggestion was to pay a percentage each which reflects our wages and also have a pot for home improvements, holidays etc. when it came to sitting down I was told I am controlling. Within the same couple of weeks she says to my that she has booked a week off work at her new job so we can all go on holiday. After when checking everyone's calendar my son is away with his mum for the first 2 days. So I said about booking a holiday a couple days later so we can all go. She said no and that she is going away with her girls on that date no matter what. I have said that this is unfair and I do not have the finances to just go and say right I'm going away with my son and book a holiday. She has now gone and booked the holiday with just her and her 2 daughters which leaves me and my son not being able to have a holiday. I am thinking of leaving the relationship because of this. Do you think I'm wrong for feeling and being like that or am I over thinking it?

She does get it OP, she's evidently not stupid. She just doesn't want to spend her money on boring things like bills or the mortgage.

LTB

Don't devalue yourself, get the house on the market or look to buy her out.... you deserve better than to be a walking cash machine and so does your son

In my view, THIS is the controlling behaviour.

Regarding the 10 years. That was before I met her and because I got it after we met she is claiming that half is hers.

Ha! Does that mean her divorce settlement is half yours as she got it after you met?

Good point 👍🏻

Says who? If she isn't happy not being a wife, then she could end the relationship. I really don't see what them not being married has to do with anything.

You dodged a bullet not marrying her. She clearly has no care or respect for you to happily have you shoulder most of the financial burden and not be left with anything whilst she can have fun. Is there anything missing from your posts? How is all the non financial load split?

Leave and don't let her tell you things will change. She's shown you who she is. Also, if something happened to you whilst in this relationship do you trust her not to take from your son your half of the home and anything else you have? Have you got someone you trust to deal with that kind of stuff?

The non financial load I would say is relatively even. I cook and clean up just as much if not more. Her girls are here 5 nights a week my son is here 3 nights a week. So that's not going to be even as they are here more. When we got the house my son got the smallest room (single bed) and the girls got double bed rooms. We actually argued about it because her girls are 13 and 10 and my boy is 13. She tried to get them both double beds and I said it is unfair as my lad cannot have a double bed in his room. So the 13 year old girl got a double and my boy and her 10 year old got a single. But yet again that was an argument at the time and I was called controlling but thinking back I should have made sure my lad got one of the double rooms.

Do not marry this woman!
stop paying and subsidising her

I would actually agree with her on the bed situation. Her girls are there 5 nights a week and your son only 3. If a double beds can fit in all three rooms then OK but if only a single bed fits in the small room so be it. The smallest room goes to the child who visits the least.

And paying all the bills isn’t boyfriend work.

@QuickAzureBee let her know how much she needs to pay each month to cover her share of household expenses. If she’s not willing to have an adult conversation, just decide yourself what she needs to pay.

What is it she doesn't understand when you try and discuss finances?
Does she honestly think she shouldn't contribute other than a food shop and gets to keep her wages for personal spends?
I'm flabbergasted any adult thinks like this.
Walk away and sell the house.

You've got a female version of a cocklodger. Get rid.

Honestly I’d be leaving. In a family you should be sharing. You shared with her at a time in her life when she had troubles she should be delighted to be able to share with you now that she is able to. It’s not a very loving way to behave tbh.

Well yes, this really.

I hope now she's working ft that she is now paying the mortgage and bills in relations y her earning. Are you still working 3 jobs? If yes then I'd cut down. If she's also saying her money is hers then I'd be expecting my 25k back from the court case.

She's taking the piss

She sounds very selfish. Holidays should be planned as a family of 5.

I’m glad you havent married her! You dont sound controlling at all. She should pay fairly into household pot for bills. How is she with your DS? Is she kind and caring towards him?

Your arrangement are unfair OP. You are both working full time, she has 2 children who spend the majority of the week at your home , whilst your son is there 3 days a week.
I think you need to write down all the main expenses , mortgage, fuel ,utilities , insurance etc and these need dividing fairly between you out of your main wages.
She is doing much better out of this arrangement if she has disposable income for holidays and you have nothing- I take it you don’t have any hobbies.
You have both put equal amounts into the house - adding in your 25 k for her legal expenses , and your paying the mortgage for the last 5 years.
I think you need to take your son on holiday using money from your 2 extra jobs.

Not really. The relationship between them is very robotic and not close at all.

This is awful. From everything you've said, I think you'd be much better off just you and your DS.

That's really, really sad. It feels like this relationship is really only benefitting one person - and it shouldn't be like that.

What are you going to do, OP?

She is going away tomorrow. So I am going to see if I can find somewhere temporary to live until we sell the house. The house was valued last week so I am going to put it on the market as quick as I can and get out the situation. I know it's not an overnight fix and is going to be long and drawn out but I want to cause as little disruption to my lad as I can. Luckily he is 13 so will understand to an extent. After that I will buy my own place and never get in the same situation again. Thank you all for the feed back though. Sometimes it makes you question am I over thinking it. But this gives me clarity.

I'm pleased to hear it OP. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear OP but you’re doing the right thing. This can’t the right woman.

Rent a flat short term and concentrate on you and your DS.

Good luck

Sorry you are in this situation but it is for the best. You sound like a great dad. Best of luck.