There is something just not right with my partner!?

[Paddingtonbear83]

We’ve been together around 5 years. In the beginning I put it down to it being his first proper relationship. He was 30 when we met. As time has gone on it’s become more and more of an issue for me.

He is completely emotionally disconnected. He can hide it, he tends to people please but when it’s a real situation with added pressure he completely avoids. He has no ability to understand or have compassion. His go to is to literally avoid it’s happening. He also can’t make decisions about anything and seems very agitated when put under the pressure of just making one. Hoards rubbish that has no value but can’t seem to throw it away.

His mum is the same. She is avoidant of any issues that involve emotion. She won’t visit sick people, avoided us when our baby was born. Avoids all conversations that she hasn’t decided is safe to talk about. If you bring something up she doesn’t like will derail the conversation completely. Sometimes making fun of you. sometimes my partner has made fun of emotional people and of me, it’s not nice, I’m not a robot.

What is going on?

oh dear…. there is a child involved 😞

Autism?

He sounds ND. As does his mum.

@InvestinITMN yes, unfortunately that has just made it all worse. He can’t understand acting emotionally or hormonally.

A few red flags- with the caveat that there are a host of other possible conditions-
socio-communication issues, hoarding can indicate OCD and can be co-morbid with autism, flat affect- can indicate the 'lack of emotion' that you're referring to, there is also a genetic component to autism. What is his job? Does he have any sensory issues? Special interests?

Quite usual for ASD to have a strong genetic link (as well as being early years learnt behaviour).
If this, he won't change.
With diagnosis and support, he could be taught to modify some behaviours, but even if he does, don't expect there to be any emotional feeling behind them.
Realistically, you've got to accept things as they are - modify what you can to make life better / avoid the unacceptable bits - or go.

@jennylamb1 yes he has a special interest. He’s 35 and wears clothes from a teenager because he hates new clothes and there’s nothing wrong with them despite being covered in holes. He holds a managerial position.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5091008-not-sure-if-the-guy-im-dating-is-interested

so in 6 weeks you haven’t met up again

wrong thread

It doesn't sound like autism to me - autistic people can be very empathetic, they just might struggle to recognise social cues or how to express the empathy in a neurotypical way.

It sounds like learned behaviour from his childhood. I'd look into avoidant attachment and see if that rings any bells. Does he have any self awareness about the issue and is he able to discuss it with you?

It sounds like he is certainly neurodivergent. At this stage in his life I doubt he's going to change.

I’m in two minds whether is autism or some kind of attachment disorder as his mum is so cold and challenging.

Either way at his age it’s a you problem rather than a him problem. You’ll need to either learn to accept him or leave. There really isn’t any way around it.

He's almost certainly autistic.

ND, autism and possibly ADHD.

If he's ND you can't change him, it's who he is. All you can do is work with it, and accept his differences. You can state your expectations but he may not be able to cope with your emotions very well. If the hoarding involves his special interest that can be very hard to manage too.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What drew you to him in the first place?

you now have a child by him.
Is this really the role model
of a relationship you want to be shoring your child?. He like his mother makes fun of you and your child will see this too.

People pleasing behaviour often results from
wanting to parent please a difficult or otherwise an emotionally absent parent.

He is a carbon copy of her. I’d be seriously thinking about your future here because he won’t change and his hoarding behaviour could also escalate. That’s no life either for a child, it does then great emotional harm.

He sounds just like me. I’m not autistic but I am avoidant due to my childhood and a very emotionally detached mother and a disinterested father.

I’m married but find emotional closeness with anyone - family, friends etc. difficult. I’ve cut friends off when they become “too friendly” (aka acting like they enjoy my company 😫). I just can’t bear it and I can’t explain why. My marriage works because he’s not affectionate either. He doesn’t trigger my avoidant fears.

It sounds like you’re not compatible.

The refrigerator mother theory re autism has long since been disproven. Regardless of why he is the ways he is his mother has an awful lot to do with it. How does he hold down a managerial role if he cannot apparently make decisions?.

are you married to my husband? in all seriousness, i've asked many times about my DH's lack of emotion and his odd ways, the only thing i can really put it down too is losing a child under difficult circumstances and then his mum only a few weeks after.. and he's built a defence up! he is a good man, and he talks a good talk as it were but when under pressure he cracks and just people pleases..

He sounds like is on the autistic spectrum from a few things you've mentioned. Are you sure he doesn't feel empathy or is it just that he can't express it. A lot of people with autism feel things very deeply but you wouldn't know from the outside.

This will be something he was born with. He is neurodiverse for sure. Depending on the type, there are meds that can be used after proper assessment, but he'd have to want to be assessed in the first place.
It's taken 5 years and a baby for you to question? It might be wise to watch for signs in your DC as they grow up, as its often genetic.
He can't change himself, the people-pleasing is probably his way of masking. But it takes mental energy to do that, so he won't be capable in between and withdraws. This is a lifelong state, it's who he is, there can be coping strategies adopted, but he's largely going to always be as he is. Surprising you didn't consider this from the start as there are a lot of signs he displays.

It’s really unacceptable that people constantly diagnose autism and adhd. Even if you are a professional it is unacceptable to do this on a forum. It is also not an excuse for treating people poorly.

Except some of us have ND dc and recognise a lot of the symptoms.

So define unacceptable over lived experience?

It could be useful to highlight the possibility of neurodiversity. Especially if the OP (or a reader with a similar relationship dynamic) hasn't ever considered it before. This possibility can then be explored further by a professional. Much better than ignoring what sound like neurodiverse traits.

Why do you say 'treating people 'poorly'? I don't think understanding how an individual might be different and trying to either fit around those differences or accept they're too incompatible is treating them poorly.

(Edited for a typo)