There is something just not right with my partner!?

[Paddingtonbear83]

We’ve been together around 5 years. In the beginning I put it down to it being his first proper relationship. He was 30 when we met. As time has gone on it’s become more and more of an issue for me.

He is completely emotionally disconnected. He can hide it, he tends to people please but when it’s a real situation with added pressure he completely avoids. He has no ability to understand or have compassion. His go to is to literally avoid it’s happening. He also can’t make decisions about anything and seems very agitated when put under the pressure of just making one. Hoards rubbish that has no value but can’t seem to throw it away.

His mum is the same. She is avoidant of any issues that involve emotion. She won’t visit sick people, avoided us when our baby was born. Avoids all conversations that she hasn’t decided is safe to talk about. If you bring something up she doesn’t like will derail the conversation completely. Sometimes making fun of you. sometimes my partner has made fun of emotional people and of me, it’s not nice, I’m not a robot.

What is going on?

Maybe this is what attracted him to you in the first place, you’re an empath. He targeted you to abuse and now your daughter is being shouted at by him. Is that going to be the cornerstone of her childhood?. She needs one responsible adult in her life to protect her and otherwise be able to rely on and that’s clearly not her dad.

You paint him to be emotionless and detached, yet went on to have a child with him? Why?

@DoIWantTo oftentimes, people who struggle with emotional processing (emotional detachment in particular) initially come across as stable, reliable, ‘not easily phased’ and for an empath, a highly sensitive person, it’s a desirable trait to have in a partner. It’s only after getting to know such person better, one realises that what appeared to be an attractive attribute is actually a symptom of emotional disregulation.

I’m not saying it isn’t some kind of neurological divergence; I know little about the subject and also know that only a qualified medical professional can make that diagnosis. (Although it is helpful when people point you in the right direction.)

But it could just be that, if his mum is exactly the same, he was raised to react this way to his emotions and doesn’t know it isn’t “normal”.

My mum completely shuts down when people express too much emotion (good or bad) around her. As a result I used to be very similar, and didn’t even realise I was doing it.

When I first met my DH, if we were arguing, I would just stop speaking. At first he thought I was just ‘giving him the silent treatment’ until he started to realise it was something a lot deeper. I struggled so hard to communicate with him when I felt any kind of emotion. I remember how frustrated it would make him, which then made it even harder for me to talk.

My DH’s family are completely different. Happy to have a blazing row over the smallest thing and then it be completely forgotten about 5 minutes later. (That, of course, has its own problems but is a lot healthier than suppressing all emotion.)

Over time I have managed to work on my emotional intelligence and I no longer shut down and suppress my emotions when conflict arises. The main thing for me is recognising when I am doing it and understanding that my DH isn’t a mind reader.

The problem here is whether your DH is willing or indeed able to see his emotional disconnect. It is clichéd advice but I really think couples counselling could really help you both.

I’ve a lot of empathy yes. One of his special interests I find interesting. The other one, collecting dvds I don’t. Before the baby it was all a lot easier. We lived in separate houses. The baby wasn’t planned. I was told after ultrasounds that I had depleted eggs, not the case. He really does have many good qualities. I didn’t think his lack of understanding emotions was as bad as it is. I’ve accepted many of his differences, made space for the special interests etc. We are both white quirky. But in return he isn’t able to account parts of me.

What do you do when he shouts at your toddler? You didn't answer when someone asked. I dont care what you decide to accept but your child doesn't have a choice. A child should not be brought up in a household where emotions are derided. It is that simple.

I am not really a fan of the eager diagnosing folks some poster indulge in on here. This man didn’t behave like this before. It is hugely likely he just doesn’t like family life, just another arsehole trying to be controlling/

I had a go back and told him to go outside and calm down. He had some news about a family members cancer diagnosis recently which has added stress. You ask him and he says he’s fine, he doesn’t seem to feel sad or recognise he’s sad and stressed.

This simply is unacceptable. You can't shout at a toddler! And he'd hate to hear this but he obviously does show emotion, i.e. rage when losing his temper with your child.

My background is psych and it sounds to me like he has a pretty significant attachment disorder. Obviously not in a position to diagnose, he would first have to recognise that there is an issue and furthermore want to address it. Any history of substance abuse?

The problem with any AD (and I agree he may be ND but that's the least of your worries) is that it has a detrimental effect on children and tends to perpetuate through generations unless the cycle is broken.

I rarely say this on MN but I'd be thinking very seriously indeed about your future with this man. Not just for you but for your child's future development and wellbeing. It's wonderful if your little one has a secure attachment to you as that is exactly what children need growing up but I think a parent with a significant AD can also do significant damage.

@CountessWindyBottom no issues of substance abuse.

As a neurodivergent person myself, I’m echoing the ND possibility…he sounds a lot like my friend’s autistic husband and her MIL, but he also sounds like my Avoidant Personality Disordered/Attachment disordered ex.

We can’t diagnose and honestly it’s irrelevant to an extent as the bottom line is, he is NOT going to change.

That’s why my ex is an ex and I knew never to bring a child into the world with him.

That’s why my friend is stuck in an unhappy marriage…because she met a shy, rich, handsome autistic guy and thought she could mold him into what she needed or that he’d be capable of compromise and change. He’s not and he never will be capable of major change, only very minor. And she needs major change. She expects him to be psychic and spontaneous when he struggles with reading emotion and mood, can’t pick up on implied communication and clings to his daily routines and special interests for dear life. Holidays make him genuinely mentally and physically unwell, for example. Yet she forces him to go on them, because she “needs” her holidays then says he ruined them by hiding in the room and crying.

It’s up to you whether you choose to accept him as he is and see if you can live that, knowing you’ll be the one who has to make all of the sacrifices and changes.

Or you let him go and find the sort of man you are really wanting. This one ain’t it.

It’s very sad there is a child at the centre of it all.

Its not all she can do. She can decide she deserves better in life and leave.

I just wanted to say…you may actually have just changed my life in sharing this.

Thank you. I “get” some of my messed up relationships now - “calm and stable” has often turned out to be “cold and sociopathic” . And now it all makes sense why.

I think this can often be said for neurotypical men too. It's a whole new ball game and the stakes are elevated to another level once you have kids. Of course you didn't recognise his issues when you lived in different houses and didn't share a child. You were mostly getting the good bits of him. Women have increasingly less inclination to pander to their husband's ideosyncracies/demands/frustrations once they have children. Their primary focus is the welfare and happiness of the child and they expect their husbands to feel the same. I'm afraid they very often don't. You can't change your husband but you can certainly change your circumstances.

@PerkyMintDeer it’s a painful realisation…but empowering, too, as it gives insight into our own patterns and can be a start of a helpful change.

My H is ND. He was not diagnosed before we had kids, and I did not realise he was ND (neither did he). It was only really post kids that his ND really presented. Life was easy and uncomplicated before. But the additional pressure and demands of family life, demands he was unable to meet due to his ND, really made his ND present and become obvious. He is now diagnosed, not that it makes any difference.

OP life will be very hard raising kids if your H has poor mindset/ empathetic ability and has little insight into this.. Raising children is all about being able to attune to another human being, being able to see things from their perspective, understand what their behaviour is communicating, know how to respond with attunement to that.

My H loves his kids but in all honesty it breaks my heart that he is their father and the negative impact he has had on them and on us as a family, even if he has not meant any of this. I would not have chosen him as the father of my children if I had known then what I know now.

Make sure you keep your financial independence in case you decide to leave.

There’s a lot of specialist doctors on this thread 🤔

I didn’t intend to be cruel. I just meant it is the OP who has the problem to solve. Her partner won’t change so there are only two options and she needs to decide how to move forward.

No-one is diagnosing anything - you seem to misunderstand what diagnosis means.

The OP has asked for advice, many ND people and people with experience of ND have posted opinions. Many of us have decades and multi-generational experience of neurodiversity. The combined knowledge on these forums is phenomenal.

A diagnosis on the other hand is made by a medical professional based on the results of an assessment. I think the OP knows the difference.

Same!!

I really feel for you op. I had a girlfriend who was exactly as you describe. The lack of empathy and complete disregard of other people was the hardest thing. It turned out that she was undiagnosed autistic too.

I know every autistic person is different but I really don't think I could cope in a relationship with an autistic person/woman anymore. It was so hard!!!

Schzoid?

I mean... definitely autistic with autistic mother.

Go read the relationship threads about ASD relationships. You will possibly recognise the dynamics discussed there.

A lot of us also end up chronically ill too.

Many autistic people are highly empathetic. Many are not though and the OPs description of various aspects fits a particular subtype of autistic person very well. It doesn't mean they're "bad" - it's just not a good fit with an NT partner, or perhaps with parenting