There is something just not right with my partner!?

[Paddingtonbear83]

We’ve been together around 5 years. In the beginning I put it down to it being his first proper relationship. He was 30 when we met. As time has gone on it’s become more and more of an issue for me.

He is completely emotionally disconnected. He can hide it, he tends to people please but when it’s a real situation with added pressure he completely avoids. He has no ability to understand or have compassion. His go to is to literally avoid it’s happening. He also can’t make decisions about anything and seems very agitated when put under the pressure of just making one. Hoards rubbish that has no value but can’t seem to throw it away.

His mum is the same. She is avoidant of any issues that involve emotion. She won’t visit sick people, avoided us when our baby was born. Avoids all conversations that she hasn’t decided is safe to talk about. If you bring something up she doesn’t like will derail the conversation completely. Sometimes making fun of you. sometimes my partner has made fun of emotional people and of me, it’s not nice, I’m not a robot.

What is going on?

Getting a bunch of people on th einternet to diagnose is pointless. What you need is for him to accept that his behaviour is a problem for you. He can either try to change - and, if necessary, seek help and a diagnosis - or he can decide he's happy the way he is in which case you have to decide if you can live with this or if you need to leave.

ND and MH are not reasons to treat someone you claim to love in ways that make them unhappy. If you can't/wont change, that's fine, but the other person has the right to say this isn't working for them either.

It’s not about ‘treating people poorly’, it’s about allowing OP to see a possible context of partner’s behaviours.

He wasn’t like this in the beginning. Since moving in together with the baby now a toddler he is getting progressively angry. We don’t behave the way he can understand so he thinks we are wrong. He was brought up to avoid. It’s very obvious, his mum won’t even entertain me, she can’t even look me in the eye. The issue is she thinks she is perfect and only her way is the right way. She has no time for me because again I don’t behave the way she thinks I should. I feel like I’m crazy but it’s them.

Could it be the case that he is autistic and was raised to ignore and avoid by his mum instead of teaching him how to feel and act accordingly? I’m guessing the hoarding gives him a feeling of control? I do feel extremely sorry for him having a mum like this growing up. He must have struggled in silence for a long time to be so disconnected. I’m guessing the rising anger is because he has no methods of soothing his feelings as he’s never really been taught.

It's good for people to raise if something might be autism.
But it's also absolutely worth considering how much of our behaviour is learnt, and if his mum acts this way then it's not surprising he also acts this way. His mum might also be ND, she might not, she might have learnt her behaviour from someone else.
What I'm trying to say is, rather than jump to trying to find an explanation for it, you should sit with your feelings and work out if it's something you are happy to live with or if you want him to take active steps to work on it. You are not in any way obligated to put up with this for any reason, regardless of if it's ND or learnt behaviour (or both)

@Foxblue No it’s not something I’m happy to live with as is. For whatever the reason it’s not nice to be on the other side of. I can’t turn off my feelings for his behalf and neither should our child be required to. If I had an explanation from him then it’s something I could work with or leave. But he won’t discuss it, he sees everyone else as the problem. Like his mum he just avoids difficult emotions, which is bloody impossible as shit happens. His mum avoids whole groups of people including her own father and her step mum.

He does this because he can, same with his mother.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. What is your child going to remember about his/her childhood if you choose to stay with this man?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think he does it because it’s the only way he knows how. His tool box is full of pretty crap coping mechanisms. I wish there was a way I could get him to look at it in a different way. He isn’t trying to be hurtful but it is regardless. Sometimes I worry when he talks with his parents that they talk in a way that people with any issues etc are not human.

You could be described my husband, all of it. He's diagnosed with ADHD and we both strongly suspect he may be autistic too. But he won't accept that the way he can be is a problem and his behaviour towards me has become increasingly more abusive over the years, especially since having children, as he expects me to think and act exactly like him (or like he expects a wife to!) and then gets angry at me when I don't.

If I were you, I'd be thinking hard about whether you want this for your future, because in my experience it gets worse as time goes on, not better.

TLDR;

OP:my man’s an unempathetic twat

MN armchair psychologists: he’s autistic.

so fucking ableist. Every single time.

Autistic people can actually be nice humans. But it takes another nice human to recognise that fact.

@Cryingatthegym Im sorry about that. I wouldn’t say he expects me to behave in a certain way. He is incredibly kind and thoughtful and helpful. He just has really issues with emotions. He has said once before that women cry to manipulate men. His parents believe this also. They think emotions are a manipulation technique. He can’t seem to understand that emotions are part of who you are and what you believe and feel.

@Scautish he has some really lovely parts, really helpful and kind. But emotionally it’s just not right. I find myself worrying if I get emotional or dare even cry as he thinks I’m manipulating a situation.

I think there is autism present and some terrible parenting also because he has some awful views at times that really don’t fit with who he is.

@Paddingtonbear83 if you cannot see the link between your thread title, the cries of “he’s autistic” and ableism, then I feel that it’s you that lacks the empathy here (along with several other posters)

There are overlaps between certain behavioural traits and autism

Some autistic people can't communicate their empathy very well

Some autistic people don't understand feelings
embrace-autism.com/alexithymia-and-autism-guide/

Some autistic people don't appear to be empathetic to others even if their thoughts are extremely empathetic

@Scautish I have a disability myself, a long term condition that causes me fatigue and brain fog.

Some autistic people can't instinctively understand how others feel unless they're explicitly told

www.scottishautism.org/about-autism/about-autism/thinking-styles/impaired-theory-mind#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20this%20theory%20suggests,around%204%20years%20of%20age.

@LoveFoolMe yes I understand this and I’ve really tried to speak and understand what is going on. He has started to shout at the toddler also because he doesn’t understand what she wants and the tantrums are difficult.

That's not fair. He has the problem - she has to decide whether to put up with it or go. It's cruel to say it's a "you problem".

@Paddingtonbear83 That was in reply to @Scautish who seemed to be saying it was wrong to suggest your partner might be autistic

ASD/ ADHD/ ND
Definitely.

I have a lot of compassion and empathy and understanding. What I am really struggling with is that he sees emotions as manipulations. I am worried about what he thinks about the way I behave. Does he wander round talking to his parents about me being emotional and that I’m stupid for being upset about something (something I’m entitled to be upset about). He talks in all aspects of his life that people cry and have emotions to get there own way etc, that’s not how it works.

Stop with trying to find reasons as to why he is the ways he is. He is basically a copy of his not so nice mother.

What are you doing when he is shouting at your child?. Trying to protect your daughter from him whilst you all live under the same roof is impossible.

He is doing to your child similar as to what was likely done to him from childhood by his abusive mother. You did not answer my question as to what you’re getting out of this relationship so I am assuming it’s nothing. So why are you still with him at all?. Do you not think you or your daughter for that matter deserve better than what is being described?

Following the assumption that DP is ND:
Both neurotypical and neurodivergent worlds sit on a spectrum. Just like no two ND people are the same, NT people are different, too. Sometimes, the differences are too big to allow a functioning, harmonious relationship. It’s undeniably difficult for ND people to function in a world that is mainly catering for NTs and there is plenty of information online validating their distress. But this thread is about looking at the situation from the OP’s perspective. MNs are validating OP’s distress. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, good or bad. It’s about helping OP to gain perspective and opinions on her situation.