Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@BustyLaRoux I feel trapped and paralysed by fear and anxiety. I suspect this is at the core of a lot of inability to take action. I get it. I was paralyzed too - have no idea how the words finally dropped out of my mouth that it was over.

When I see you post I see that you mull over all the details, what happened, how he feels, how he behaves, how you feel. This to me is a sign that your mind has become focused entirely on your current situation (survival) and is unable to see beyond your immediate circumstances. Is there any possibility of getting help with this?

Do you need the money that he owes you to survive, if you stepped away? (sorry if I've missed that). If you can survive without, then honestly you're better off accepting the loss ( the taste of that is still sour in my mouth). If you can't ... brrrrr.

The level of abuseness is considerable. It's not only calling you a cunt, it's that he kept on with his fishing when you needed to be able to cover your chest; it was the way he handled you talking with him afterwards; so many aspects.

@IllMetByMoonlight thats probably where I am now.

But it doesn’t feel enough. It feels lonely. And even practical things can’t really be discussed either if there is any variation from the outcome he is expecting.
For me that’s not a marriage. That’s living as housemates.

Special, I agree. I'm lucky to have friends and family who are able to meet my communication needs and who are aware of DP's limitations. But I'm very aware that this is not how either of us would ideally like to spend the rest of our time, so we'll be looking to separate in the next 5 years all being well. We discuss this quite frequently.

It sounds like a very substantial amount of money, Busty? Is he in fact repaying you or are you mentally treating his contributions and gifts as a kind of repayment?

I think leaving him is going to be hard because the money is a kind of sunk cost. Really: its gone as a ten year old breakfast. No point hanging around waiting for it to be served piping hot. In reality it doesn’t exist.

Maybe you should “live together apart” as a strategy. It sounds like he just can’t keep it together for more than a few hours or days at a time.

Oh: OK. He is NEVER paying you back. You aren’t even “at the top of his list.”

I think that might be the best way. Easier to manage and mentally easier to cope with. I don’t despise him. I love him in my own way and we spend many wonderful days together exploring and adventuring and laughing. So yes perhaps this is a good compromise where I can find some sanity and freedom!

@BustyLaRoux 🫂🫂 it IS very hard.

Oh I agree with @pikkumyy77
He isn’t going to pay you back. Together or not.

All of this is reminding me about an ‘incident’ about a year ago.

There was a big decision to take that would involve us moving.
The move was going to be making my life worse, health wise.
I really wanted to scream NO but still…. Tried to negotiate with dh.

So I told him I wasn’t feeling safe with the move because I wasn’t sure my needs would be taken into account. Could he show me/prove he’d be able to take them into account? Knowing that I had listed a number of very practical issues I had many times before. So he just had to pick some of them up.

Answer: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one word.

The result is that he gave up on something REALLY important to him because he couldn’t say ‘Yep, don’t worry. Well do <insert one or two issues that needed to be solved> so you dont struggle’.
😢😢😢 for both of us tbh.

Oh god yes, advice we didn’t ask for. Must. Fix. Problem. Actually we often aren’t after a solution at all. Just someone to say “that’s really crappy, I completely understand why you feel that way”. But what we/I usually get is DP butting over the top of me to tell me about HIS similar (not similar!) experience followed by advice on what to do. I know it’s meant to be helpful. But it isn’t. We just want to be listened to and validated and supported emotionally.

And does he hold that against you?

Exactly that!!

I’m not sure (see the fact dh never says anything plus alexithymia)
We are now starting to see the consequences of that decision. It will take a few more months before everything is finalised.
Then I dont know how he will react. But I expect more of the grumpy, untalkative behaviour I’ve seen in the past few months. If not worse tbh.

What I do know is that the fact dh couldn’t easily confirm he was going to take into account (my very physical) needs and imitations was a strong confirmation that my gut feeling of saying NO was the right one.

Some times, you really have to put yourself first and protect yourself. Even if this has a negative impact on other people.

Busty, once you make up your mind what makes sense for you (whether going or staying) then start to think about reclaiming the 20,000 or working to create a situation where you get some of it back on the way out the door. Or you can use it to force him to let you go in preference to handing over the money.

@IllMetByMoonlight yes definitely! I have often told DH I just feel like a service provider for the family.

Can I ask how you brought up your eventual separation with your DH? I don’t feel I need to leave now but it’s hard to avoid the incompatibility in our relationship. I do wonder if we could split amicably in the future if we cannot work through our differences using this new knowledge of the ASD diagnosis.

I think you’re right to have been concerned. If he can’t even discuss your physical needs and consider how these would have been factored in to a big decision like that, then there is zero chance of him being able to put measures in place and see them through. He may be grumpy about it, but he had the opportunity to talk about meeting halfway and he didn’t. I realise that may be because supporting you in that way is beyond his capabilities, but your physical limitations mean there are things beyond your capabilities as well. Your instinct was right. Marriage is about compromise. You were willing to entertain how that might work but sadly he couldn’t. It’s unfortunate for him, but it isn’t your job to all of the compromising xx

I strongly suspect my dh is on the spectrum . His dad is clearly Asperger's as is his uncle . My dh is very intelligent, very caring and a good father . We have one issue . When we go out socially he drinks I think partly to give himself confidence . This means he doesn't read the room so a quiet pleasant drink becomes him talking loudly about himself . When I've mentioned this before he blames me for trying to spoil his fun , being too sensitive etc . Now he has accepted that going out together is not just about him . I have no problem if he goes out with family or friends and drinks as he likes . But if it's us two or with another couple I've asked him to moderate out of respect and consider the company we are in . He says I'm the one with the problem saying " I'm allowed to have fun "
How would you handle this ?

My Dh also drinks. Its a shame, because he's a genial drunk, and like your DH, more talkative when he is. More confident. But not in a monologuing way.
Unfortunately I think it's become part of his persona. Before we married ( he 35, me 45) he was renowned for sinking 10 pints when out socially. Fortunately nowadays he's down to around 2 pints a day plus more if I go as well ( taxiiiii!). It now disgusts me. ( Including the need to drape himself around me when in his cups) . But then, he can't tell. If I say anything, he'll argue and nothing changes. Apparently beer is good for you. Who'd have guessed ?
For men in particular, pubs are a place where you can just sit there and be accepted. In DHs local of 20+ years the regulars sit there, on 'their' stools , and regurgitate the same conversation. Mainly men, but a few women. Great for DH, and the pub. Awful for new trade, and anyone who isn't in a time warp.

I'm not sure you can get through to your DH, sorry. Drink is condoned and is part of the culture. Although not for the young I understand ?
The only way I found to deal with it is not to accompany. Or if you feel you need to, to remove yourself from his arena, so you don't have to listen. Find your own chat circle, and keep moving. Maybe his audience really wants to talk to you? Switch off. His audience presumably will start to as well. Suggest he gets a taxi home. Ps I do know people like your DH. People do start to avoid in the end. But they still can't see the problem.

DH has to drive to his local. That luckily limits him . He'd hate to lose his licence. I've come to realise I can't stop him drinking. It's an addiction after all. It will limit his life expectancy, as will his dietary preferences, but that's something I've come to accept. His life, his responsibility.

Yeah he refers to the saddos sat at the bar as his friends. They’re not his friends though. He doesn’t know anything about them. They’re sad old men who let him buy them drinks and talk at them. He’s the same with people who work in places he patronises. Calls them his friends. They’re not. They’re paid to be polite to him because he brings them business. He doesn’t seem able to tell the difference and maybe, as you say, mistakes their being polite and receptive for genuine friendship and acceptance.

@BustyLaRoux @KeeponReading

I get this , culturally we equate drinking as having a good time . We used to socialise as a couple but after nights watching him dominate conversations and fall asleep in company I don't go along anymore . I miss that as I gave up two friends and would love to socialise with my husband if I didn't feel so uncomfortable.
This weekend our youngest child was sleeping away for the very first time , she's 10 . We had a whole weekend with no children . On Friday he had a funeral / wake so he slept all day .... and night . On Sunday he apologised to me because we were supposed to be having a cinema night on the Friday . I didn't make a fuss and we went out Sunday afternoon instead , really nice , saw a movie , had a few casual drinks then made our way home at 7 . Saw some other parents and sat and had one drink with them where he talked about himself loudly and refused to leave when I suggested . I actually saw the other mum roll her eyes . We got home after 1 more drink . It was 8:30 and he fell asleep . The takeaway we were going to have didn't happen . I waited up for 16 year old who was out .

This morning I told him how upset I was that he had ruined Sunday after a nice afternoon. He said sorry but this never changes

I hear you completely @upto10andbackagain. He dominates conversations anyway but the drinking makes it even worse. He has to trump every anecdote someone says, but his anecdotes are so exaggerated that either people are wide eyed (people who have only recently met him and don’t understand how much be exaggerates) or they smile politely as they know what he’s saying is unlikely to be true. I switch off. I’ve heard all the wildly inflated anecdotes before. I like to listen to what other people have to say, but he just dominates the conversation all
the time. He can’t help himself. And he can’t see people look bored/sceptical and that they’re smiling politely.