Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Also @upto10andbackagain that is really sad about your ruined weekend due to his drinking. Could you go out and meet friends for a drink or lunch without him?

Making a list of things to consider before a move is a brilliant idea. I have been in the situation where moving has become a special interest (which as we know can’t be thwarted) and it has backfired on us. So in fact having that structured practical conversation and stating your needs like that may have been a good thing if it has saved you from the risks you feared, coming true. I appreciate it’s a really hard situation emotionally though, when there is no plan or thought to even try to meet your needs

DP likes to play victim and exaggerate/fabricate stuff. I genuinely think he doesn’t actually know he is making stuff up though. I don’t think he has a grip on what is real and what’s in his head. We’ve all discussed this on here before and seems my DP isn’t the only one. Recent example of a conversation on holiday when he had dismissed my suggestion we eat at a fancy hotel (as the food is always shit at hotels, apparently!) which he recalled as him saying we would look at their menu and decide and how it would be silly to rule out eating there! This was the opposite of what he had said!! But he wouldn’t have it. He is always 100% sure and it must therefore always be me who is mistaken/didn’t hear properly/lying.

Yesterday he got in a huff with my SIL. Accused her of shouting at him. She hadn’t. He had said something, she had said something back, he reiterated what he said and she reiterated what she’d said. It was a very very minor exchange. The kind of thing you wouldn’t even recall. But ten minutes later DP brought it up and was huffy and insisted she’d shouted at him. She was like “what? What do you mean? No one shouted at you”. But he said “yes yes yes. I got shouted at. You shouted at me!” (This is usually where I just back down to avoid an argument) but she is more stubborn than me and said firmly “No! NO ONE shouted at you!” Again though he just kept saying yes he has been shouted at. She just sat there looking at him like he was mad. As if “why would he say that?”

I later told her that this is just what he does. He keeps going on about another time when I suggested an ingredient go on a pizza him and me were ordering to share. All I’d said was “how about [ingredient]?” He replied yuck no way. I then had said oh I like [ingredient]. He said well let’s get separate pizzas then. And I agreed. And that’s what we did. But he frequently refers to this “incident” as me trying to “oppress” him and impose what I want on him!!! He brings it up time and time again. In fact every time we mention ordering a pizza. Which is about once a fortnight, I get “oh, are you going to try and oppress me again and make me have x when you know I hate it?!” He did it again yesterday. I said “but I didn’t do that. I only suggested it and you didn’t want it and that was that. I don’t understand why you keep saying I oppressed you. I said “shall we have…?” that’s not oppressing you!” But he refuses to accept this. Is adamant and angry that he was oppressed. And my SIL got a taste of this yesterday when he kept accusing her of shouting at him. She looked at him like he’s lost his mind. And I thought yep, that look is how I feel all the time!!!!! Sorry, it’s just more and more his ridiculous behaviour is grating on me and I can see other people now starting to get fed up with it too.

Absolutely, moving is a huge deal and it is completely normal and considering all the pros and cons and what things would be in practice is just common sense!

I wouldn’t go! I’d make my excuses I think.

@BustyLaRoux

It's good ( and sad ) to see these examples that I can relate to

I am lucky and have many friends that I can and do socialise with . With a young child I can see them while he stays at home . But that won't be forever .

I like spending time with him on my own , he's quirky but interesting. It's just after drinking and in front of people he's unsure of. I call it showboating , he makes himself the centre of attention and I just want to leave ( and have done on occasions )
I know he loves me because I've talked of separating and he's got upset saying he loves me .

Would you be blunt and tell someone when and how they act and how embarrassing it is . I do but I feel mean because he is very kind and will help anyone . He has few friends , a few childhood and 1 local friend , while I have lots I can socialise with

Would telling him do him a favour ?

Hmmm I don’t know. That’s really hard to call. With my DP no I wouldn’t. I did once try telling him all the boasting (showboating, as you say) was unclassy. I didn’t really know how best to explain it to him. He got horribly offended and angry and I knew I’d spoken out of turn. That was about 3 years ago when things were still fairly new and I thought we could be honest with each other. I’ve learnt to hide my real feelings now as much as I can.

Your DH sounds quite different. Perhaps boasts out of a lack of confidence. (My DP certainly doesn’t lack confidence!). I wonder if there is another way you could suggest the showboating is not being well received by you or others but without being so explicit that it hurts his feelings too much. Or maybe you do need to be blunt. When he invites you out to meet others just say “I don’t really enjoy these situations to be honest as you tend to talk over people and dominate the conversation and I find it a bit embarrassing” I mean that is pretty blunt, but also true. Or maybe just “I’ll come but only if you let other people speak as you do have a tendency to talk over people and relate everything back to you and it would be nice to listen to what other people have to say sometimes. Just be aware that you do do that sometimes and maybe hold back and listen a bit..?”

I dunno. Depends how well he takes criticism I guess. My DP can accept it if done in the right way, but I can often misjudge it and then it can go quite badly! Only you know if your DH could receive a kindly piece of advice without it being massively overreacted to.

I wonder if “I find it a bit embarrassing “ is too strong for these men and a word less concretely about you would be easier to take . Perhaps experiment with “one” as in “one finds it difficult to see everyone talked over” or “one find it difficult to be near drunks, don’t you?”

Hello, Is this an ASD thing? I will say something like corrr it’s hot back here and he’ll reply try being say here.

I’ve had a hard day today….try having my day then.

Im tired today….yeah try being me and my tired..

Im getting p**d off with it now, I’m not looking for a competition, just a awww yeah, maybe a hug.

Sat not say

Just say “ITS NOT A COMPETITION.” Two people can have different experiences.

I do every single time.

Wow. So he just doesn’t process the information at all?

Ahhh yes, the endless competition!!! (Coupled with, in my case, being told how competitive I am! I’m not in the least competitive!!! It’s just projecting again). If I’m feeling poorly, DP is also poorly. If I’ve had a long day, his day has been harder. My dad is even worse (also ASD). So yep, completely get this. It’s infuriating and I understand why this would annoy you greatly! X

Why do they think that is what I’m looking for, a competition?

Went through a phase with DH when he kept saying welcome to my world every time I had an everyday trivial grumble about what was going on for me. In the end I utterly lost my shit and told him he was being really dismissive and patronising by saying that and it made it clear he wasn't listening to me and didn't actually give a shit about what was happening, and how my world was not like his world because I was at home raising a child and he was going into an office every day. Funnily enough he's never said it again.
I look back now and realise it was like a formula he used as set response to me. I see it in my son with the use of sets of language on a regular basis, an obsession with a certain word or phrase. I'd put money on them not even really hearing what you're saying but the oneupmanship means they don't have to really think about their response.

My DH drinks too. He’s not an arsehole when he drinks or anything but I do worry about his health since it can be most days 😔

I really don’t know. I find it so weird. I don’t really like competitiveness. I find it a real turn off.

DP is competitive in the way you describe @Lookslikesun insofar as he likes to outdo me if I’m tired or poorly. If I have an anecdote about someone at work, say, he will absolutely need to find one about someone he’s works with. That kind of thing. I don’t know if this is competitiveness so much as the need to make every conversation about him or attention grab.

I’ve told him to stop comparing all the time and for his DD to be less competitive. This has obviously been received as criticism (which I suppose it is really!) and he can’t be criticised for anything without the need to project back on to me and my DC. So now he’s decided me and my DC are the competitive ones and calls us all competitive at every opportunity. (We are definitely not. They don’t care about doing better than people or winning or outdoing people. I haven’t raised them like this. I always always say it doesn’t matter what anyone else has got or not got and just concentrate on yourself).
This is all whilst trying to outdo us whenever possible. It’s hypocrisy at its finest. I would call him out on his hypocrisy but whenever I try to do this he says I’m being competitive!!!!! Gah!!!!!

That’s really insightful. I can see that I think. A sort of standard response because they’re not able to respond in an empathic way. It makes perfect sense.

I’ve made myself mad trying to get him to understand me. He has absolutely no idea about the world I live in and I don’t think I do in return. It’s so rigid and grey. His mum won’t even entertain me. She is/has ASD and thinks I’m an emotional manipulating mess (Im not).

@Lookslikesun I don’t think you can ever understand them or get them to understand you.

Agree!

Unfortunately I agree too.

Ive tried but anything that he hasn’t experienced first hand just gets blank stares.

@upto10andbackagain My DH feels he needs to drink to relax. To be himself.

In the early days he didn't believe me if I said he'd upset someone, acted strangely or talked over someone. 'Showboating' like yours. He thought I (or anyone who mentioned it to me) was being oversensitive. If I really pushed the point he'd get defensive and angry.

Over the years it became more comfortable to socialise separately. We rarely go out together now, just each enjoy seeing our friends separately. Sad obviously but better than me feeling embarrassed and him feeling picked on.

On the rare occasion when we're socialising together it's to meet up with longstanding mutual friends who already accept him as he is. They and I just let him enjoy his 'stage' and listen, (maybe amused), to the over-egged anecdotes. If it's more of a discussion situation, it helps that he's very clever and will often add a really interesting perspective on a subject.

Do you think you could ever accept your partner as he is?

I feel so depressed tonight. Everyone in the family just seems to need me to have a different personality. I’m supposed to have low expectations, to frame things so they are never critical, to respond kindly to special interests etc.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it. DH is one thing but now I’m afraid of letting DS down. I’m quite sure he will go on to be diagnosed w ASD. I just want to be enough for someone 😔. I feel really conflicted. How will I ever be a good enough parent to this kid that I have and still keep something of myself?