Thanks everyone. It is really, really hard. It was easier when he had a job as he was just here less. I was probably stupid for thinking he could manage them in the hols. In retrospect he was never going to be able to do this. The organisation required, the parenting skills, the empathy and attunement skills, the emotional regulation required - all beyond him. I probably set him up to fail by allocating him responsibility for his own kids three days a week. ( I had them the other two weekdays).
The kids do love him though. The youngest makes more negative statements about his Dad. For example he asked me to take him to the library, and when I said I was working today and Daddy could take him he said, ‘oh I won’t go then’ when I asked why he didn’t want to go with Dadddy, his reply was ‘Daddy shouts’. These are fairly frequent comments about not wanting to be alone with Daddy as ‘Daddy shouts’. If I report that to H, that is me being ‘horrible’. However he has also made comments about loving his Daddy and Daddy being great.
The eldest has interests he shares with his Dad and seeks his Dad out to talk about these. These shared interests are how they bond.
Neither would want their Dad absent from their lives.
My H’s inability to shift focus from himself to others is utterly startling. I was trying to explain to him the impact living like this is having on eldest, using eldest’s own words. I summed up by saying ‘he’s really, really sad’. He’s response was an angry, ‘I’m the one who’s sad’. He wasn’t meaning he’s sad for his son. H was saying he’s sad about his own life. Other Father’s would have been broken to hear a report of words of such unhappiness from their child. That would have been their wake up call to commit to change. For my H, it’s just a cue to shift attention to himself. He never, ever has that wake up moment. Never. Ever.
The tragic thing is, he really wants to be a good father and husband. The even more tragic thing is he believes he already is. My manifest unhappiness is never evidence to the contrary, it’s just a sign I am a horrible wife. The shouting and anger in the house is never evidence he needs to do better as a father, it’s the kids’ fault, and mine.
I envy wives whose husbands work away. I wish he would get a job like that. He never would though as, ironically, he says family is too important to him and it’s important we are all together. No insight whatsoever.