Page 22 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

Daftasabroom · 2024-07-17T17:05:01+00:00

New thread. This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. It's complicated and it's emotional. The old thread is [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11?page=1 here]].

MetooOP · 25/08/2024 20:11

NDornotND · 25/08/2024 19:58

It sounds like you might need to be more direct @LittleSwede Men, and particularly ASD men, are generally not good at picking up hints, IME. I think the words I used when I ended things with my first husband (not ASD) were "I don't want to be married any more". Not sure if that would feel right to you? I feel for you, it's tough. Stay strong, sounds like you've made your decision.

I too think you need to be blunt and direct. ‘It’s over and I am leaving you/ divorcing you’. That blunt. No room for ambiguity at all.

SpecialMangeTout · 25/08/2024 21:19

I agree with being direct.
Also if you want to go down the ‘no blame route’, then just say something along the lines if
‘I want to get divorced. Things are not working for me anymore. I’m finding my needs aren’t met and I cannot continue like this.’
Basically talking about your feelings/how things feel to you and your needs but wo mentioning him not meeting those needs iyswim.

LittleSwede · 26/08/2024 08:12

Thank you for your suggestions and wordings, I think I'll use a combination of them as all useful. I clearly need to be more blunt and need to find the right moment as well. I vam see how he misinterpreted my attempt yesterday and today is acting as if almost back to normal. I will definitely not lay blame on him and focus on just keeping it brief and blunt.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 26/08/2024 08:51

Sending you support from afar, LittleSwede

ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea · 26/08/2024 10:08

@LittleSwede your post and follow up posts from everyone have helped me. As you say, brief and blunt. I’ve found the explanations, emotions and reasons confuse things. It feels the right thing to do but in this case, strangely, it’s not.

Sending love to everyone 💕

Bunnyhair · 26/08/2024 10:46

Thinking of you today, @LittleSwede ❤️

MySocksAreDotty · 26/08/2024 11:44

Good luck everyone 💐

SquirrelSoShiny · 26/08/2024 14:30

Freedom is ahead @LittleSwede

BustyLaRoux · 26/08/2024 18:01

Yes thinking of you @LittleSwede You can do it!! Maybe just “I don’t want to be in this marriage” is plain enough.

LittleSwede · 27/08/2024 12:09

Thank you for all the support ❤️ I've given myself a deadline of Friday and if I can't get the words out I've written a letter.

Rainbow03 · 27/08/2024 12:14

LittleSwede · 27/08/2024 12:09

Thank you for all the support ❤️ I've given myself a deadline of Friday and if I can't get the words out I've written a letter.

Best advice I was ever given was “don’t boil
the frog, just get up and kill it”. Sorry doesn’t sound nice but I got the sentiment. I think it was my daughters headmistress who told me this about how she deals with the procrastination in her own ADHD.

MetooOP · 27/08/2024 17:21

Really upset ( again). I have been working at home over the summer hols and H looking after the kids. Its really highlighted in the most awful way how he has never learnt how to be a parent. Every day there is awful rage and shouting from him, then them shouting and screaming back at him. He doesn't organise himself to do things with them despite me saying if he took them out each day it wouldn't get to this state. I'm appalled. I actually didn't think he would be this bad. I thought it might actually be good for them to spend nice time together, but instead they have been at home with him losing his shit at them. He doesn't seem to have any sense they taking the kids out and doing things with them is a job of work that needs doing when you have kids for extended time over the holidays.

I have been off over bank holiday but back at work at home today. Final straw was my eldest screaming ' GET OFF HIM, GET OFF HIM, YOU ARE HURTING HIM' as H was on top of youngest trying to force him to do whatever it was H wanted him to do. I told H he needed to get out of the house and calm down. Which just feeds into his narrative of how I never back him up. He has no idea of how to engage their co-operation. They hide from him when he rages which makes him rage more and I have pointed out to him that anyone would hide from someone roaring and raging like that, but it makes no difference.

He blames the children. He can't see how his behaviour is utterly beyond the pale and utterly unacceptable. All he sees is that he is justified for being angry as they made him angry. He has no insight into how abnormal his reactions are.

I've called the family support service and self referred us. We had support in lockdown but it wasn't helpful, but we have the diagnosis now so I'm holding onto the thin hope that might help them understand his behaviour better.

I hate him. I really hate him right now. He's utterly insane, utterly impossible. The shouting, the rage and the utter insanity of him is destroying us all. How can you live with someone who is never ashamed of their raging but always thinks they are justified?

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/08/2024 17:44

MetooOP · 27/08/2024 17:21

Really upset ( again). I have been working at home over the summer hols and H looking after the kids. Its really highlighted in the most awful way how he has never learnt how to be a parent. Every day there is awful rage and shouting from him, then them shouting and screaming back at him. He doesn't organise himself to do things with them despite me saying if he took them out each day it wouldn't get to this state. I'm appalled. I actually didn't think he would be this bad. I thought it might actually be good for them to spend nice time together, but instead they have been at home with him losing his shit at them. He doesn't seem to have any sense they taking the kids out and doing things with them is a job of work that needs doing when you have kids for extended time over the holidays.

I have been off over bank holiday but back at work at home today. Final straw was my eldest screaming ' GET OFF HIM, GET OFF HIM, YOU ARE HURTING HIM' as H was on top of youngest trying to force him to do whatever it was H wanted him to do. I told H he needed to get out of the house and calm down. Which just feeds into his narrative of how I never back him up. He has no idea of how to engage their co-operation. They hide from him when he rages which makes him rage more and I have pointed out to him that anyone would hide from someone roaring and raging like that, but it makes no difference.

He blames the children. He can't see how his behaviour is utterly beyond the pale and utterly unacceptable. All he sees is that he is justified for being angry as they made him angry. He has no insight into how abnormal his reactions are.

I've called the family support service and self referred us. We had support in lockdown but it wasn't helpful, but we have the diagnosis now so I'm holding onto the thin hope that might help them understand his behaviour better.

I hate him. I really hate him right now. He's utterly insane, utterly impossible. The shouting, the rage and the utter insanity of him is destroying us all. How can you live with someone who is never ashamed of their raging but always thinks they are justified?

You don't. You get out. Sorry x

SpecialMangeTout · 27/08/2024 18:10

How can you live with someone who is never ashamed of their raging but always thinks they are justified?

@MetooOP im really sorry. 🫂🫂

He might have a diagnosis but his behaviour is still extremely hurtful regardless.
And I agree with @SquirrelSoShiny . I think you dont live with them. You get out. You protect your dcs from his rages.
Maybe he can learn with the right support. But how long will it take? And, assuming he will learn, is it right to let the dcs and yourself live like this in the mean time? 😢

Shortbread49 · 27/08/2024 19:37

Leave my mum was always angry and shouting and hitting ( but not me my older brother ) she behaved in front of others including my dad , I spent my childhood bring scared of her and keeping out of her way

MetooOP · 27/08/2024 20:08

Leaving won’t save them from him. They’ll just spend 50 percent of their time alone with him.

MetooOP · 27/08/2024 20:09

Leaving won’t save them from him. They’ll just spend 50 percent of their time alone with him.

BustyLaRoux · 27/08/2024 20:21

I’m really sorry to hear that @MetooOP. My dad (autistic) is like this too. He doesn’t see any problem at all with shouting at his family. I was hit and kicked as a child more times than I can remember. He even punched me in the face one Xmas eve. I never ever got an apology. Not once. He always felt it justifiable. He is so far removed from what is normal and acceptable and so disinterested in anyone else that he just wasn’t able to see that raging and ruling with threats and control isn’t how other people behave! I absolutely hated him.

I won’t tell you to leave because things aren’t always that simple and if you could/can then I’m sure you would/will. You have all of my sympathies. Living with someone like this is horrendous.

My DP is also prone to raging outbursts which are also awful. There’s never physical contact but he is a large man and pretty intimidating when he gets going. The one saving grace is that 9 times out of 10 he apologises for shouting as he knows it’s not acceptable. He’s had anger management sessions which didn’t really seem to help but at least he knew he needed to try something. He can see that anger and shouting simply isn’t OK. In the moment though, his go to reaction is usually anger. It’s an innate response for him. I just don’t think he can cope with emotions like frustration or stress or not being able to control things so he starts shouting. I usually just look at him like he has two heads and say “but why are you shouting?”

I don’t know how on earth you manage with someone who doesn’t even see it as a problem. He sounds like an utter pig! As I say, this is my dad. Now I’m older I just turn around and leave when he raises his voice at me. I don’t engage. Of course he still doesn’t get the message though. Still thinks he’s in the right! How you deal with someone like that when you’re stuck with them I don’t know. But I am sending you good thoughts, love, peace and strength!!! Xx

MySocksAreDotty · 27/08/2024 20:26

So very sorry @MetooOP how utterly demoralising for you. Sending a big hug 💐

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/08/2024 20:57

@MetooOP is there any chance of recording him in his rages, and the children's fear? and taking it to social services? Keeping a record of his outbursts and showing that they are happening regularly over time?

Im wondering if cool calm and clever planning might be able to get him removed from the picture.

Bunnyhair · 27/08/2024 21:03

@MetooOP this sounds like my father. (Who wasn’t ND, to my knowledge, but had absolutely zero capacity for emotional regulation and felt everyone should do what he wanted all the time). Diagnosis or no, nobody can help your DH be a better parent if he doesn’t care about being one. I am so sorry this is so hard for you and your DCs.

Rainbow03 · 27/08/2024 21:37

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/08/2024 20:57

@MetooOP is there any chance of recording him in his rages, and the children's fear? and taking it to social services? Keeping a record of his outbursts and showing that they are happening regularly over time?

Im wondering if cool calm and clever planning might be able to get him removed from the picture.

I think it’s against the law to record someone without their knowledge and can’t be used against them unfortunately.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/08/2024 22:06

Everything is against people trying to protect young children isn't it?

nl55 · 27/08/2024 22:59

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/08/2024 20:57

@MetooOP is there any chance of recording him in his rages, and the children's fear? and taking it to social services? Keeping a record of his outbursts and showing that they are happening regularly over time?

Im wondering if cool calm and clever planning might be able to get him removed from the picture.

Even if it can't be used in a court of law, it is worth having for other purposes.

nl55 · 27/08/2024 23:05

MetooOP · 27/08/2024 20:09

Leaving won’t save them from him. They’ll just spend 50 percent of their time alone with him.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is really tough isn't it? And you are right, leaving won't save them from him. This is what kept me frozen and unable to leave until the kids were old enough to manage mostly on their own. I wish anyone going through this love and strength. you will know when the time (even if it is a very long time from now) is right.