Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Oh yes I have a life now despite the worry whereas before I had the worry and absolutely no life so this way is better. I know it’s important that our children have better but you are important and they learn that they are important from us. It’s what I say to people who say my decision was selfish to want a better life for myself. One day if my child is in a similar situation she takes a look at me and does the same thing. Good luck!

This is almost exactly what my friend said last week, she left her nerc ex a few uears ago and although they have 50/50 care of their son she has a life and can model a healthier living.

There must be some comfort in knowing that your ex's new partner is kind to your DD and looks after her. If my H finds a new partner I wish for the same. I might find a nice kind man myself but that will be for the future! Really want a cat 🐈

Yes it’s comforting but he shouts at her also. So really my daughter is just witnessing the same relationship but with a step mother, he hasn’t changed. The lady is like me, difficult childhood and a people pleaser, he is in full control. But again out of my control so I try so hard to keep it out of my brain.

I'm sorry for you and your DD, these men don't change do they. At least she has a safe place and space with you x

No they don’t change because they are fixed. I think we are the ones who change in the relationship. I try to look at it like a lesson I needed to learn unfortunately, a hard one nonetheless. I grew even in that hostile environment, he didn’t. It’s a positive.

Yes to a lot of growing @Rainbow03 , having spent the last years trying to understand why I did it again and in the process I've learnt so much, changed and I feel like I will be a stranger person in many ways when I'm finally free. I'm hoping I've re-set my ideals around relationships and the dynamics.

Stronger, not stranger! 🤣

It's not unusual to see narc traits overlapping with ND traits, especially with autism. You'll be told that there are different underlying motivations but increasingly I don't care about the motivation just how it affects the people around.

Absolutely! I do wonder if H does have a hint of a personality disorder as well though but I guess I'll never know.

Same here @SquirrelSoShiny

I didn’t have a parent to give those questions to but she will have me. I hope that makes a difference for these kids.

The very highly experienced lady who we worked with told me that it does.

@LittleSwede your daughter being 10 -will- help. I was terrified of leaving, even if I could have, when they were very small as his danger perception is intermittently appalling. Even so I was scared shitless of what would happen to our youngest (poor danger perception, small child and a canal 10m away with high sides is a BAD combination) but there was simply no choice about leaving by the end although I still don't quite know how the words came out of my mouth. I opened it and they just fell out.

In the end that is how I felt. I got so consumed with how he got like this and how bad his childhood must have been and how I should try harder. In the end none of it matters if they quack like a duck then they a duck. Sometimes they are just arseholes!

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress I couldn't leave when DD was smaller, I had a deal with myself that I would do so when I felt it was safer and she was more self sufficient.

10 is starting to get old enough, depending on the child ... Honestly though, it takes some time to begin to heal from the effects of a disastrous marriage, but from the beginning the parenting is -easier-. Which is better for the child.

My H and I split around a year ago. The girls are teens now and they had had enough of his moods and shouting. They live with me full time, he has them over (separately) once a week for tea and to watch a TV show together for a couple of hours.

It works for us as I don't trust him not to lose his rag at him, it works for them because they want contact but are basically scared of him because of his moods, and it works for him as it means he has been able to completely check out of parenting and focus on himself - which secretly is what he has always wanted.

@tickabillia thank you for sharing. If H can't cope with overnights we may end up with similar. I just don't know how things will work out.

Also with all of you on this. Such a sadness I carry too.

See I think my husband would miss us but actually be far happier day to day if he could check out. If I could just accept a half life then we'd probably rub along together actually. It's precisely because I want a true partnership that he's struggling I think.

You sound like you've had a hell of a journey to get here. What courage and dedication to your children you have shown.

Arghh, just spent ages trying to type message and it kept freezing and just would not let me edit or type. Big breath, let me try again...

Just tried to have THAT conversation with H but don't think I managed to be quite clear enough and may need to follow up and hopefully get the right and specific words out. Managed to say that it's not working but that I am not going to 'throw him out' (as he kept jokingly saying since I hinted at needing to talk yesterday) nor that I am running away by myself (as he joked about in front of DD) or taking DD away from him (no jokes about that). He kept saying that I need to say more/be more specific but I could not use the words 'break u or the 'D' word. He says that I don't spend time with him nor do I seem to want to spend time with him and I said I'm sorry and that I don't think I can be the wife he wants or needs. Didn't get further as DD was calling from another room. Why can't I just tell him? And why doesn't he get the hint from what I'm saying, I mean 'it's not working' is universal language for breaking up isn't it? Anyway he said he's not moving out, not sure what's next.

Sorry about that gap, MN is not letting me type without massive gaps and constant freezing!

it's extremely hard to take that step. For the words to come out. It was a very good start, given it's what you want @LittleSwede

It can take several goes. Deep breaths, keep on preparing, and don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you, yes I'm hoping that this has at least meant I've started the process. I'll let him process this for a few days then broach the subject again. Maybe it will be easier then!

Partly as you'll have had a bit of time to gather your wits ... not easy in the moment!

Exactly and as I now know that I need to more specific and clear I will practice and rehearse the wording and just say it, hopefully! I think he just saw it as an opportunity to repeat all the reasons why he feels lonely and abandoned by me, rather than taking in me telling him that I can't fulfil that need for him and so there it is not working. My therapist said not to blame so I tried not to start going into details as to why it's not working. Might need to just say that I can't dobthis anymore, rather than it not working as it makes it sound like maybe it could be fixed.

Something Along the lines of "I can't make you happy and I'm not happy, and after so long it's clear that no one can be happy if we stay together"? Would that be any use? It's no blame and clearly emphasising that he has the right to be happy, but so do you. (Sorry if I'm saying what you've already thought of a million times)

It sounds like you might need to be more direct @LittleSwede Men, and particularly ASD men, are generally not good at picking up hints, IME. I think the words I used when I ended things with my first husband (not ASD) were "I don't want to be married any more". Not sure if that would feel right to you? I feel for you, it's tough. Stay strong, sounds like you've made your decision.