Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

First time properly posting although I've been reading for a while. Do you get to enjoyment of the spouse again? My DH is coming to the realisation that he is autistic learned through marriage counselling, although the signs are all there and have been for ages. He is stuck in taking everything as criticism being defensive etc.

We are quite bogged down in kids, probably 2 are autistic, one deffo is - ages 8-12. Dh struggles on day to day basis, not able to speak thoughtfully, can't keep to time, can't remember to do things. I think he is in burnout. He sees all our issues as "me being mean to him". I want to give him a break to have some time to accept it, but he won't have one, but his presence is very difficult to deal with. I'm mostly just miserable that he isn't any fun at all. Never has anything interesting to say, or wants to do etc. it is worse because wd are on hols at the moment, and I was just hoping for some let up in the misery.

Would love any advice for people who are further down the track

He sees all our issues as "me being mean to him"

I don’t really have advice, but this is exactly how my H views our problems too. It’s all my fault as I am mean to him. So, solidarity with you @unlikelychump

My H only diagnosed a couple of years ago. Made sod all difference. I guess my only advice is that if someone is not willing to accept that them and their behaviour is contributing a situation, then there is no hope of them ever changing.

Thank you. Solidarity helps!

I am frustrated with him but not as much as he thinks. I am mostly trying to help him. Today was an argument about milk - our fridge is broken so it needs to go in the cooler but he doesn't agree so keeps putting it in the fridge. And also says he has forgotten. And all the kids are annoyed with him for it. So I am trying to explain why everyone is shouting at him and ask him to put it in the coolbox but he just says I'm horrible.

Ds is 100x more straightforward and I get him - I say the fridge is broken, he says why and then after a long discussion about the element he remembers forever.

@unlikelychump not a lot of advice here. I’ve tried the explaining clearly with dh (like you’re doing with your dc) and I can’t say it has ever worked…
I think some of those reactions are there to protect themselves and changing that is very hard.

Fwiw I’ve been having counselling on and off for quite a few years now.
It has taken me a long time to undo some of the ways I reacted. I found it went struggle, struggle, struggle, small light bulb moment, struggle, struggle, big light bulb moment with change. And repeat again.
I think that expecting someone with ASD to simply see the light and change quickly after a diagnosis is unrealistic tbh. A diagnosis is an explanation. But after that the person needs to integrate that knowledge, knowing they won’t be seeing that as a positive because society sees that as being ‘defective’.
And then you have all the trauma they’ve accumulated over the years from living with autism Wo knowing a lot of their reaction was from autism iyswim.
It’s a hell of a lot. And it takes time to heal. Maybe too much time when you are on the receiving end of the bad behaviour. 😢😢

A lot of behaviours go beyond automatic thought so they are extremely difficult to challenge and change. It’s not like they can stop it because it’s happened before the conscious part of the brain gets a look in. Everyone can examine a behaviour afterwards. My daughter knows afterwards what would have been a better response but at the time it’s bypassed reason. It’s really difficult. I try myself to stop feeling rejection to certain things people say and I can reason with myself till the cows come home after but it doesn’t really change much in the actual moment.

This is very true!

Really helpful words thank you all. The problem is that on the surface I accept that it will take time for him to get used to it, in reality is isn't that easy as time marches on and he keeps under and over reacting to things in a way that causes conflict.

It is exhausting for all of us and continual.

As I sit here he is going on and on about the new swimming goggles he just bought when I I said no to dd after she nagged me for ages for some and then cried. She over reacted for sure but kids do. I just suggested he stop going on, and he said - but these are my new goggles, I want to look at them. He is now annoyed with me and kids are annoyed with him. I get it that he didn't read the room, but the conflict is relentless.

Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to put up with it from a partner. You don’t owe anyone anything. My daughter on the other hand always causes conflict and I can’t walk from that, it’s absolutely exhausting and it controls the whole house at times. It’s bloody awful and I have deep sympathy. We just had a week holiday and she was out of control, it ruined the holiday unfortunately.

Do you mean leave? That does seem like the only other option tbh, but I am hoping you have a magic solution.

He is terrified we are going to split up which makes it harder, as he is clingy. Won't be apart from us by choice. I've realized I am his emotional support tool.

The things you realize once you know.

If anyone has a magic solution I think there would be a massive queue of us! It’s a disability, it can and does have massive effects on everyone involved including the person. I’ve ADHD and although I’m happy I would love to not have to deal with some of the things I think. Going by experience the adaptation needs to come from the NT partner really or the one more adaptable as if they would in any relationship with someone with a disability if doable. Living with someone who causes so much conflict is really challenging, it radiates out to the whole household I find.

Thanks, I'm grateful for your thoughts.

I'm also respecting DH's desire not to tell anyone he is autistic currently. I'm wishing he might tell the children as I think it might help them understand some of the crazy.

I don't think he has really accepted ds's diagnosis yet, and certainly not dd - in any meaningful way that is.

I feel for you all. It’s not easy dealing with a neurodivergence and it’s not easy being on the other side. None of this is easy. I find myself getting jealous of people who have easy families and easy kids….thats not my life though.

Everyone can examine a behaviour afterwards. My daughter knows afterwards what would have been a better response but at the time it’s bypassed reason

My husband cannot do this. His response or reaction is always the right one, then and forever, not matter how many times it does not work and no matter how disastrous the outcome.

It’s what makes living with him so dementing. Absolutely no learning curve.

I do tell the kids, they deserve to know, to help them understand. Especially as they are becoming more aware. I heard the youngest distressed and crying as H was telling him that he ( H) hadn’t just done something that he had. Broke my heart to hear that unadulterated distress from DS as he was confronted with that maddening reality denial, when H insists he hasn’t said or done something he actually just has. I know all too well how ds felt.

The reality denial is real and my God it’s maddening. My DP reacts with anger a lot. So not only do I have him absolutely denying or insisting something has just been done/said when I know full well that’s simply not true, but he also reacts angrily when I try to say otherwise. I have to put up with him insisting I am mistaken/deaf/lying (!) and also him being angry at me for it. And it’s rubbish.

All the things he said about his ex. All these things he insisted happened (she doesn’t remember any of them), I now realise must be untruths. Made up realities. Real to him, but in fact they simply probably never happened. She ended up recording him towards the end of their relationship. Something I find myself doing as well. He can’t seem to distinguish between what’s real and what’s imagined. But of course the black and white rigidity means everyone else is wrong!

Ah @Rainbow03 i’m sorry to hear that x

She has ADHD but I am pretty sure that something else is going on also. She is extremely controlling, won’t ask will just do what she wants regardless off safety, if she does ask and you say no they she calls you names and gets very angry, she often steals and lies, she get hysterical and very aggressive over everything so we walking around on egg shells. I have ADHD myself but I’m not very conflict orientated, in fact I hate conflict. She seems to be living in this state all the time and it’s hard to know how to handle it because she is 8 and simply can’t do and talk to people however she wants to.

That sound really hard

I’m not really sure how to handle this.

As you’re probably all aware from my recent woes, DP cannot cope with ANY FORM of criticism. Everything is taken as criticism. Even asking why he had two packed lunchboxes he takes to mean I’m criticising his parenting. When I’ve repeated myself in the past, as I’m sure we all do (DP included) he’s blown a gasket and said I’m criticising him for not listening. I could give 1000s of incidents like this.

DP has a habit of doing things like not rinsing plates before he puts them in the dishwasher. Of course they come out dirty still and often make other stuff dirty as well. I’ve asked him to please rinse. He am just sighs and says “YES DEAR!” In a sarcastic put upon way as though I’m endlessly nagging him. But I’m really not! He often doesn’t shut the fridge door properly. We have had so much milk and meat go off! The fridge door is often slightly open for hours. If I say “oh darling you’ve left the door open” (not sounding annoyed! I must never ever sound annoyed!) he rolls his eyes and gives me the “YES DEAR”. His son leaves his bedroom window open and goes out. But he has a flat roof outside of his window and we could be easily burgled. I’ll often come home and find they’ve all gone out and no one has shut his window. I am worried we will be burgled! I say it nicely but I just get “YES DEAR”.

All these things he thinks are criticisms. But I’m not trying to criticise. I’m trying to say please be careful next time so that I don’t have to constantly wash up your unrinsed plates / have a load of milk and meat go in the bin / get burgled…. I just want him to be aware so that he can be careful next time. It’s not for criticism’s sake. But he won’t see it as anything other than criticism.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried saying something nicely. I’ve tried saying nothing and just doing it for him without his knowledge. I wouldn’t mind but it’s the way he makes me feel like I’m an awful person for mentioning it in a really nice sounding way being so careful not to sound remotely irritated.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I’ve given up caring. I don’t want to be here any more so what’s the point looking for solutions. It ain’t gonna get better.

@BustyLaRoux There is no way to handle it. It’s not you, it is him.

That utterly sexist, minimizing insulting ‘Yes Dear’ shit would infuriate me. How you’ve managed to hold it together in the face of that I don’t know.

You are right to not want to be there anymore.

One of the things about all this that I find really upsetting is that we are great partners. I mean, we’ve all really tried haven’t we? We’ve really tried to find a way through, to understand and support and NONE of that is recognized. I get told I am ‘expecting perfection’. Perfection! If only he could understand how little I am prepared to settle for!
To try so hard and not even have that recognized but to still be criticized. It’s massively unfair. The whole thing.

Thank you for seeing me!!! It’s exactly this. I am so fucking understanding. I do loads of invisible work without mentioning it in case it annoys him. I am so careful how I say things. That’s if I say anything at all. I apologise when I’m not in the wrong. I don’t shout back when he shouts at me. I put up with endless criticism. I try not to engage in pettiness. Or having the last word. I forgive and forgive and forgive. I put up with him saying I owe him an apology and acting like a victim. All the DARVO. All the imagined reality shit which he gets angry with me for. I put up with so much. And for what? He thinks he’s a real catch and doesn’t recognise anything apart from how great he is. Genuinely he is not a Mm autistic person who suffers from low self esteem at all!!!

Dear God. Please can I win the lottery and share it with all my friends on here!!

I’ve come home and his son’s window has been left wide open. Again. He did this on Tuesday and I sent my DP a message asking if he could remind his son to please shut the window when they go out owing to there being a flat roof right outside his window and our house insurance not covering losses if we’ve left it open. When they got home I asked DP “oh, did you mention to DS about the window?” But obviously this is taken as criticism and he just shrugged and said no. I spoke to his son and said very nicely to please please shut the window if they go out and explained why. He said sorry and I said there was no need to apologise but to try and remember in future. Two days later and it’s left wide open and they’ve gone out all afternoon!!! DP won’t have his child “criticised” so I’m stuck with not really being able to say anything but being quite worried as neither of them seem to care!

This is also quite galling as my son uses our side gate to get his bike in and out. It only locks from the inside, so if he’s taken the bike out he can’t lock the gate from outside. So the gate is often unlocked and open. Which isn’t ideal but only means someone would be able to get in the garden. And there is a half wall next to the gate so very easy to climb over into the garden if someone wanted to get in anyway. But DP gets angry and criticises my son endlessly for leaving the gate open. I always tell him off and say he needs to climb over the wall and close it. I don’t understand how DP can be so critical of someone leaving a gate open (which doesn’t gain access to our house) and yet unfazed and just shrugs when I tell him most weeks that his son has left the window open again (which would be very easy to gain access to our house through). Clearly one is much worse in terms of risk of burglary but he’s only interested in criticising my son. And the way we both react…. I tell my son off for it. He just shrugs and doesn’t bother mentioning it to his son.

The hypocrisy, the lack of ownership of any mistakes ever…..it’s all just so shit!!

@BustyLaRoux i spend a small fortune on lottery tickets for exactly this reason! : )

The hypocrisy, the lack of ownership of any mistakes ever

Yup, the lack of ownership of any mistakes. It’s really depressing. It means nothing will change. And it’s infuriating too.

He had to cook his Kids beans on toast last night as apparently the chicken had gone off. I said oh dear that was still in date by a few days. It must be the fridge door being left open…..

I just left that there.

I can’t always not engage in petty behaviour! Perhaps if he’d listened to me on one of the 80 million times I’d said “darling you must be careful to properly close the fridge as you keep leaving the door slightly open” he would have had his bloody chicken last night! Pah!