I really need some support here please

[AliceB65]

Hi
I really am struggling to try and put what is happening to me into words & would really appreciate some support.

In the last few months I have finally realised I am being manipulated and emotionally abused, have actually been in this relationship for 18 years, but always believed I was the cause of all the problems and upset and arguments. I now know that this is not actually true.

In this relationship, whenever I try to talk about something he has done and try to raise that concern, he is using words to twist the situation around into it being my fault, simply cannot tolerate me bringing anything negative to him at all. He somehow has an ability to make it all my issue, I then find myself trying to defend myself, he also says unless I speak in a certain way, itis upsetting to him, literally everything that goes wrong here is turned around on me. The list of reactions I get from him are endless and would take a whole day to try and articulate them all here, it is very difficult to explain it all in words.

In the past I have been subjected to him visiting a female friend and exchanging texts behind my back, he continuously stares at other females when out in my company, shows zero warmth or affection towards me, lost all interest in anything sexual a long time ago, shows no understanding or empathy for how I feel when I am struggling with my own worries, has threatened suicide many times.

When I first met thus guy, he was nothing like this at all, I genuinely feel like I have been conned in this relationship.

The reason I know what he is doing, a little while ago after episode of this, I felt so broken and hurt I rang the emergency talking mental health phoneline and spoke to a counsellor, she explained all what was happening to me was abuse.

I feel so alone and afraid, I am fully dependent financially, 65 years old, don't drive, can't work because of mobility issues and totally feel trapped with no way out.

It all came to a head today when once again I tried to talk to him about the way he spoke to me, which again resulted in him usthe same behaviour towards me an I just snapped and threw my cup of tea at the wall, I know I shouldn't have done that as it has now given him just what he wanted, meaning it's all my fault.

I am struggling to cope with this anymore, I feel I am going insane and totally scared of what he will do to me next, scared it will escalate into him doing something to me, never been physically violent, but I am afthat will happen, I feel shocked at the way I just lost it, and very ashamed.

Can anyone understand this stuff and give me any advice on what to do, I don't really have any friends I can talk to and nobody outside of these 4 walls sees any of this, I feel like I'm drowning

Hey OP.

Yes, I can. Your relationship sounds exactly like the last relationship I was in. I left a year ago.

Really good news that you realise what is happening to you here, and that he is being abusive and manipulative. It takes a lot to actually come to your senses and realise this stuff, but you are there and that is great news.

It took me quite a while to mentally recover from what happened to me in my relationship, and I did a lot of learning about abuse and in particular, narcissistic abuse, which is, in my opinion what you are describing.

The tactics he's using are known as DARVO. Deny attack, then reverse victim and offender. It is a commonly used tactic of abusers to turn the tables on you and make you the problem, you then end up defending yourself rather than addressing the original complaint and they therefore get away with whatever it is that you were trying to talk to them about.
You will likely be minimised and dismissed on the regular, you will probably feel like a complete shell of a person who can't make basic decisions about anything anymore. This is how the situation affected me for sure.

I would get so angry with the arguments that I would react, and then it would become my fault for being "crazy" and I would be told that I was mentally unstable and to get help. I actually did end up on medication and also seeing a counsellor. I went to couples therapy with him and was a jibbering wreck while he played the concerned partner, further cementing the idea that I was at fault. It was extremely clever on his part.

Lundy Bancroft has written a great book called "why does he do that?" which would be useful for you to read through and highlight areas that you think apply to you, or strike a chord with you. Flicking back over those highlighted areas can often bring home the extent of what you're dealing with.

Another great resource is Dr Ramani on Youtube. She talks extensively about narcissism, and the effects it has on survivors which can be extremely severe, cause sickness, mental health problems and extreme trauma in some cases.

I think that in your case, you need some outside support and people you can trust to help you to figure out a way of unsticking yourself from this situation. It may take time.

As much as I know how infuriating the DARVO tactics are, my advice (that I wish I'd known about and had the strength to take) is to stop arguing.

The bottom line with these people is that they are rigid, they don't change. Nothing changes them. Nothing you will say will move them to see your point of view, show compassion, show empathy, show kindness - it's not who they are. You have to reach the point where you accept this fully and wholeheartedly and rather than being affected by the cruelty and the outrage at them doing this to you, you simply realise that you are dealing with a completely different beast to most normal human beings. I am probably making this sound dramatic but my genuine experience is that these people are malevolent, damaged, lack empathy and will not be made to see any other way. I therefore do not consider it "too dramatic" when you are going through it.

Grey Rock is another tactic that you can use, so it is that you don't engage, you don't argue, you just nod and act like a rock. You don't give them the reaction they are seeking. Be careful with this because it can cause them to become more angry (that's what happened to me) as they attempt to get a reaction from you. Do not go too far with this if it is going to put you in physical danger.

In your situation I would resolve myself to agree, reduce conflict by agreeing, nodding, smiling and not trying to argue back. I'm not saying that because i want you to accept the situation, i am saying it because it will take the pressure off you by making you a "boring" target while you get your ducks in a row and figure out a way to escape.

You do need to leave this situation darling. You need to get some support and get out. I understand the financial situation, but have a think about what you can do to extracate yourself. Speak to Refuge, see if you can get legal aid and see what you can do to start putting a plan together.

You are not on your own in this, I just want you to know that, there are so many people who are in the situation you are in and I know how utterly miserable and soul destroying it is. I am sorry for writing the long essay on this.

I used to go to sleep at night and hope that I didn't wake up, it became that bad for me. Now that I am out and a year later, life is better, it can get better, in your case it may just take some QUIET planning. No threats to him, no "I will leave you" or any of that - do it quietly.

I am sorry that you are in this situation, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you though, there really is.

I also forgot to add a few things

Firstly... the reactions you are giving out of anger are something called "reactive abuse". Please read about it. It is not your fault.

Secondly, yes I know very well that at the start they are completely different. This is called love bombing. They will idealise you, give you everything you wanted, promise the earth and make you feel very special. The abuse creeps in gradually more often than not.

If you boil a frog slowly it will stay, if you throw it into boiling water it'll try to jump out. You see how this works?

When you find yourself questioning your own reality that is a result of gaslighting, please look up these terms they will help you understand more about what is happening to you.

The most important thing to know is that there is NO way you can change these people. You end up addicted to what feels like a slot machine, hoping to get back to what you originally had, and let me tell you - you can't. It cannot happen.

Intermittent reinforcement is another way of causing trauma and confusion, where they are nice then horrible and then nice and horrible again and it repeats over and over. Please read about this.

There is a lot of stuff that you will find out, and hopefully this will lead you to acceptance - but it will hopefully give you a bit of strength and a bit of resilience to know that you are not at fault in this situation. You didn't cause this, you can't change it and he will do it to others as well. Don't make the mistake of feeling as though just because he treats you this way he will let you go easily though, leaving is the most dangerous time, so please treat it with extreme caution if and when you decide to do it.

I hope this is helpful anyway.

Roses, thank you, I'm going to call the GP shortly, my mental health is in turmoil with all this, is anyone actually going to believe me, no one else sees any of this, I did read Lundy Bancroft when I realised what was happening to me.

I understand what you say about detaching, but it doesn't work, that is why I'm in the mess I'm in today, if I talk back it gets worse, if I am silent, he escalates it, that is what happened today...I am so ashamed

I have been there.

The shame is NOT yours, please please address that and take note that this is NOTHING to be ashamed about. He is the one who should own the shame, not you. Please do not internalise shame with this. You did nothing wrong.

I hear you on how hard it is, I had the same thing. I tried everything and everything would illicit rage/anger/blame. It was impossible.

Please yes, speak to your GP, get a referal, please cite domestic abuse.

YES I believe you, others will as well, this is talked about SO much more these days, people see it and they know it's happening. Please get yourself into some communities with other survivors, they will believe you. I believe you.

I would often just wish I had been hit a lot of times because this is how utterly malevolent and under the radar this kind of abuse is, it is extremely difficult to put a finger on. If you can, start recording his abuse (SAFELY). It will help you when you are questioning yourself and can play it back.

Get your legal standing on finances as soon as you can. You can do this.

Roses, thank you so much, your support means so much, still trying to call the GP, they get very busy.
I feel I need to tell someone about this, but is the GP the right person? I honestly do feel ashamed about my behaviour today, I should not have behaved so badly, I did try to apologise for it, but he has now walked out, could you possibly tell me how women's refuge can help? I don't want to live like this anymore, the churning stomach, feeling afraid etc.just don't know who to turn to

OP you need to stop engaging with him as he obviously hasn't got any respect for you and his behaviour isn't going to change. Your relationship is over.

I'm not shocked at the way you lost it at all, it's obviously been building for a long time. I take it you're not married. Do you get PIP or other benefits? You can use a benefit calculator to work out what you're entitled to.

You can phone Shelter regarding housing, see if they've got any suggestions. Does anyone you know have a spare room you can move to? You can try Spare room.com to look for shared accommodation, you should be entitled to housing benefit. Check with your council to see if there's emergency funds or grants with help moving.

Cupcake, Thank you, I'm still trying to get through to the GP, just so scared no one is going to believe me. Nobody else sees this side of him, how on earth can I deal with that

It's very common OP. Most abusers are masking and don't appear that way to others. Can you contact the Citizens advice or even a local domestic abuse charity for help. I know you're not old but Age UK have a great helpline and can help you work out what you're entitled to on the phone. Turn2us might have grants or other financial aid available. You can also try your council housing department for advice.

Thank you, have spoken to the surgery, the receptionist was really helpful and supportive as I explained my situation, I have to call back on Thursday morning for a triage appointment, I really feel like I need to get this out to someone and perhaps something to calm my nerves. I will look at the information you gave me, just need to be careful in case he comes back, he stormed out earlier

Grey rock him until you are ready to leave. Don't get into arguments just disengage as much as you can and work in getting away.

While he's out, do try contacting Shelter and seeing if there's a Woman's Refuge nearby. Put the numbers in your phone.

You say you have mobility issues: do you get out at all?

Yes, your GP is the right person to speak to. Tell them everything you have told us.

Of course he has walked out on you, he has the upper hand now, he can make you feel guilty and shame you for your behaviour when in reality it was reactive abuse and we all know it. Please know in your heart, this is NOT your fault.

I used to do the same, say sorry, follow him, beg, cry and all of that, and he used to LOVE just leaving and saying "I cannot tolerate this behaviour". They love it. It gives them a feeling of power and control and that is exactly what they want.

Tell people what is happening to you. People will believe you. Your GP can help you, tell them how it's affecting you.

A charity like Refuge or Womens Aid can help you by doing the following:

• They will talk to you about the abuse that you are experiencing and they will provide you with reassurance. They will believe you, they have seen it many times before.
• They can help you with legal aid if you are entitled to it.
• They can provide you with information for local shelters and communities who can help you.

They can give a lot of advice about what you are dealing with and how to come up with a plan to leave, they are the right people to speak to and they are extremely helpful.

Please start to keep a diary of all the interactions happening between you and this piece of shit. Keep a log of dates/times and what happened. Record him if you can safely do so. Keep any abusive messages. Keep photographs of any abuse or breaking things in the house.

Really important that you keep a log of things and that you keep a record of what you're being put through, including financial abuse as well.

It is COMMON for them to behave completely normal with other people and differently behind closed doors, you have to be clever but you can expose them for what they really are. They care about power, control and their reputation. Just remember that - those are the three things they care about.

Thank you so much Rose's, have just spoken to the surgery, the receptionist was really supportive and said she understood because she knows friends that this has happened to, I have to call back on Thursday (when he has gone back to work) for a triage appointment. It was such a relief that she believed me and understood. I haven't eaten hardly anything for a couple of days, my stomach is churning over and over and I feel physically sick. At least it is a starting point for me with the GP.

Step 1!! woop.

Get yourself something to eat sweetheart.... something that will give you a bit of energy.

REMEMBER WHEN HE GETS BACK: THIS IS NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

Hi, contacted the GP surgery, that is now logged with them, they will sort out a triage appointment for me this week. I'm making notes on my phone (password protected) regarding all the information I have been given here, so will get the ball rolling with that as soon as he's gone back to work on Thursday. No interruptions then, at the moment I am worried about him walking back in and catching me

Roses, you have been amazing, I have been so scared to tell anyone about this, but now realise that people do understand. I feel so bad for how I reacted earlier, but now totally realise I was pushed into it and it was exactly what he wanted. Itvis so hard to comprehend how someone could treat you this way when they profess to love you, it makes me wonder now how all this has developed since I set eyes on him, did gevplan to do this? What does he get from it? Did he ever really care and love me? I feel like I've been an absolute fool to be honest and all this has made me ill in thexend

Roses, he just came back and told me while he was out he spoke to the refuge about what was happening, apparently I am now the abuser! Also said he has tried so hard to change & feels he cannot do anything right for me, packed a bag and left. Is this all part of the abuse?? So sorry, I cannot make sense of any of this anymore

Lol haha yes it's all part of the abuse.

Sorry i'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at him.

I had exactly the same thing. Woe is me, nothing I do is ever right, I have been an amazing partner and you just abuse me constantly. Yada yada yada.

Tell you what if I was faced with it now I would laugh in his face.

It's all part of the act darling. I know it's absolutely terrifying and upsetting at the time, I know you're probably full of fear and freaking out right now, but honestly, it really IS part of the act.

The aim is to make you twist in the wind, chase after him, say sorry more, beg, plead, cry... why? Power. All becuase of power and control. It makes him feel good.

The best thing you can do is say "ok, i'm sorry you feel that way" and then let him go. DO NOT chase after him. If he doesn't get a reaction, he will sit there and sulk wherever he's gone.

He's just milking the situation to make you feel worse, and it really is fucking pathetic to be honest.

Also - bullshit has he spoken to Refuge. Refuge primarily support women for a start, I think men can go to them but it's mostly women and children, calling them takes hours.

I was told by my ex "I spoke to Relate counselling today and told them what you have done". You can't call relate counselling, appointments are booked up months in advance.

He tried it several times

"i've spoken to everyone in the office and they all agree you're nuts"
"i've spoken to citizens advice and they said x"

What he's actually done is spoken to himself in the mirror and made up a load of bullshit to try and instill the fear of God into you and gaslight the shit out of you so you're scared, you apologise, you cowtow to him and he feels big as a result. You then further feel like a horrible person, you wonder if you're an abuser, you sit there confused and he gets to call the shots.
It's fucking cruel, beyond cruel.

I remember going on holiday once with my ex and finding on his phone that he'd been sexting people. I confronted him about it and do you know how it ended up? With me on the floor in tears clinging to his leg, begging him not to leave me there without transport home.
He was cheating.

That's how these things get you. Do not allow yourself to be crushed by this man. You are bigger than this.

I went through a long time of asking why.
But he said he loved me.
But he said he would be there for me.
But he said he wanted a life with me.

My counsellor told me the story of the scorpion and the frog.

So scorpion and the frog are sat by the rivers edge.
Scorpion asks frog for a lift over the river.
Frog says no you'll sting me.
Scorpion promises "no no i would never do that, please please give me a lift over the river, I really need help, I promise I won't sting you".
Frog agrees
Half way across the river the scorpion stings the frog
"Why did you do that??" says the frog.
"Because I am a scorpion" says the scorpion.

Moral being: There is no reason "why" with these people. They learn it growing up, they get addicted to how power makes them feel, they are in arrested development and basically toddlers in grown adults bodies. There are all sorts of "reasons" but essentially, it's who they are and they won't change because at their heart, they don't think they are the problem.

Another thing that happened to me is that I was CONVINCED that i was a narcissist. I spent hours ruminating and confused. Hours. In the car, in a layby, googling, reading, listening to videos, crying because I thought I was a narcissist and how could I stop being a horrible person.

I now know that this is what abuse does to you. It messes you up big time, puts you off balance, makes you sick, makes you traumatised, robs you of any and all ability to be happy.... you don't want to eat, you sleep badly if at all. You wake up and do it all again. You become frail and unwell. Brushing my teeth was an effort for me. No amount of makeup took away the washed out look that I constantly had.

Why they do it is unfortunately a hard question to answer, it seems irrational and confusing to normal people, but it's because they are abusers, it's how they were taught to behave, it's their own trauma (that NO you cannot undo), the reason they stay that way is because ultimately, they do not believe they are the problem, they are under such enormous delusion that they just don't see how they can do anything wrong, in their mind they are right and justified and even if they have blatantly made a mistake they won't allow themselves to feel the shame of that. They're mentally ill people basically.

Wow, Rosie, I'm learning on the hoof here & truly do value your help and support here.
Everything you have said makes perfect sense, how the hell have I managed to become so vulnerable to all this, you have perfectly explained all that too, so now I understand why he walked out, to elicit sympathy right. He has actually done that before, but nort without stating he couldn't live without me, how I have thrown all these years of relationship down the drain, I was actually waiting for him to pull out the suicide stunt again, then I would have called the police for a welfare check, I still actually have the suicide not he left last time he did it, stating where all the documents I would need were kept.

At no time over the last couple of days has he shown any thoughts for how this is affecting me at all, it has all been about how badly he has been treated, you have certainly opened my eyes to what these people are capable of, although it is still beyond my comprehension to see how evil this stuff is.

I'm glad he's gone to be honest because he is making me feel ill,but I know that won't be the end of it, soon the messages start coming, obviously I will ignore, but I find it so difficult to behave in an uncaring way,it's not in my nature at all, but I can understand why it has to be done.

No not for sympathy darling. For CONTROL.

So he's done this before right? So now you're learning a bit about this you can start growing a bit of strength.

It happens to us because it's not logical to us... you don't get into a relationship and even imagine people are going to do this kind of thing. It happens slowly.

Please don't be taken in by this behaviour from him. I know you care, I know you have empathy and guess what? It's what he relies on.

If you have a dog and you train your dog that at 4pm daily it'll get a bone, guess what it comes to expect. A bone at 4pm.

You have a partner, and they learn that you are empathetic, often a people pleaser type, that you are kind, caring, self reflective, that you play FAIR. Some of them will play fair back and be decent humans, but those that aren't? Like your charming son of a bitch? They won't play fair, they will weaponise all your good qualities and they'll yank your chain like a toddler having a tantrum. Then they'll blame you for it.

It doesn't mean it's your fault, you were just being yourself, a decent person, and they were making you feel like you were the problem BECAUSE you are a decent person and you're open to accepting blame.

When you know what you're dealing with, you can start to put the pieces of the pattern together and realise what's going on.

Roses, yes, he's done it before, at the time I didn't really understand and used to feel sorry for him, it was only by having the chat with the lady at the talking mentalhealth services( about 3 months ago) that she explained what was happening to me..

I honestly thought I was strong enough to stay in the relationship and deal with him, but sadly it has now taken it's toll on me.

It is so hard to understand that the person you love can do this (but you have explained that too) it is still incredibly hard to digest though & mentally crippling.

I am so thankful for being encouraged to face this head on and accept it won't change, slowly learning that.

Oh yeah that reminds me.

Read up on trauma bonds... that will help!

I understand and sadly you are not alone. Good to see you read the book that was my discovery he was abusive. I too met a different guy. I too have had it all turned on me. I too did things in reaction it’s called reactive abuse and he uses this to say I’m the abuser.

it’s a tough realisation to make because you feel every emotion possible.

for me anger and feeling stupid were the standouts.

I contacted my local mental health people they signposted me to lighthouse. I am awaiting a start date on a programme called the freedom programme to help understand how it happened and to try to avoid it again.

I was petrified to speak out and when they asked for his name I cried my heart out and said I don’t want to give his name because if this is referred to the police he will turn it all on me and I have shouted, I have screamed and I have thrown things. I have also asked him to get out of my face numerous times and when he wouldn’t listen I’ve shoved him. I said I am scared I won’t be believed because only him and I were in the house / situation and he twists everything onto me. The lady said if I had a pound for every time I heard that. She simply said, I believe you and you know the truth. She didn’t pressurise me at all. I have found them to be very helpful and understanding.

other charities such as woman’s aid might be able to help you with the financial side in getting you away from your abuser.

it makes me feel incredibly weak to admit I was abused and I am a victim but saying it helps me to come to terms with it.

I made a lot of excuses for his behaviour, I made a lot of compensations that it was my fault, work, stress but the truth is, it is who he is.

I am no longer a victim and I hope very soon you aren’t too.

sending much love and strength your way. You’re in for a long ride xcxxx