I really need some support here please

[AliceB65]

Hi
I really am struggling to try and put what is happening to me into words & would really appreciate some support.

In the last few months I have finally realised I am being manipulated and emotionally abused, have actually been in this relationship for 18 years, but always believed I was the cause of all the problems and upset and arguments. I now know that this is not actually true.

In this relationship, whenever I try to talk about something he has done and try to raise that concern, he is using words to twist the situation around into it being my fault, simply cannot tolerate me bringing anything negative to him at all. He somehow has an ability to make it all my issue, I then find myself trying to defend myself, he also says unless I speak in a certain way, itis upsetting to him, literally everything that goes wrong here is turned around on me. The list of reactions I get from him are endless and would take a whole day to try and articulate them all here, it is very difficult to explain it all in words.

In the past I have been subjected to him visiting a female friend and exchanging texts behind my back, he continuously stares at other females when out in my company, shows zero warmth or affection towards me, lost all interest in anything sexual a long time ago, shows no understanding or empathy for how I feel when I am struggling with my own worries, has threatened suicide many times.

When I first met thus guy, he was nothing like this at all, I genuinely feel like I have been conned in this relationship.

The reason I know what he is doing, a little while ago after episode of this, I felt so broken and hurt I rang the emergency talking mental health phoneline and spoke to a counsellor, she explained all what was happening to me was abuse.

I feel so alone and afraid, I am fully dependent financially, 65 years old, don't drive, can't work because of mobility issues and totally feel trapped with no way out.

It all came to a head today when once again I tried to talk to him about the way he spoke to me, which again resulted in him usthe same behaviour towards me an I just snapped and threw my cup of tea at the wall, I know I shouldn't have done that as it has now given him just what he wanted, meaning it's all my fault.

I am struggling to cope with this anymore, I feel I am going insane and totally scared of what he will do to me next, scared it will escalate into him doing something to me, never been physically violent, but I am afthat will happen, I feel shocked at the way I just lost it, and very ashamed.

Can anyone understand this stuff and give me any advice on what to do, I don't really have any friends I can talk to and nobody outside of these 4 walls sees any of this, I feel like I'm drowning

Roses, I was reading about that just yesterday, also how cognitive dissonance affects abuse victims. Knowledge is power as they say, you have certainly armed me with a lot of that today.

My sincere apologies, in the midst of all this, I totally failed to ask how you are doing now?

Also Roses, when he walked out today, he made a very strange comment. " there is no one else and never has been" i just thought that a really strange thing yo say. although a few years ago I did catch him as I mentioned in m main post visiting another woman and texting. He also takes every opportunity to scope out other women, not just glances, but really fixating. There could possibly be more that I don't know about

Every accusation is a confession.

He's a pos. There is someone else. Standard operating procedure for these types.

It is so hard to understand that the person you love can do this (but you have explained that too) it is still incredibly hard to digest though & mentally crippling

It is hard to understand, yes, and it is crippling, mentally and emotionally. And that's why you're doing the right thing to seek support.

Something that helped me was to think about what happens in a healthy relationship, when your partner does something you don't like. You have a chat, right? You kindly and calmly explain to them what's bothering you, and then the two of reach an understanding that suits you both. And if not, it's uncomfortable. If you find over and over again that your partner does things you don't like, and you never reach an agreement, at some point, you decide to leave, recognising incompatibility. This would have been his healthy option, years ago, if you were as problematic to him as he's made out. But he didn't choose that option, did he? And why is that? This is the thing that's so hard to grasp, but so helpful when you do: he wants this. He wants to feel in charge of you.

Well, when you start throwing cups of tea around, he's lost his grip on you, hasn't he, and he's going to go all drastic, now. Yes, it's all part of the abuse. He leaves so that you will ask him to come back; and then he's in charge again.

Think about this, it might help: when he says it's all your fault, he's allowed to think/believe/say that. He can think what he likes. You don't have to buy into it. So, if he said that you had 6 legs, and your hair was made of raspberry jelly, would it upset you? Would you argue back? Would you defend yourself against his ridiculous untruths, or would you look at him blankly and say 'You've lost it, mate. You're mad'? And so, what's different, when he says that things are your fault, that you're the problematic one, that you're causing him such a lot of problems... why are you not looking at him then, and thinking 'You're mad'? What's different in those 2 situations? He's equally mad in both, but you get upset by one, but not the other. Why is that?

I am so very sorry you have experienced this too, I only recently discovered the truth around what was happening a while ago.

Yes, it is so very hard to come to terms with, that the person you thought loved you could hurt you so much, it is unbelievable and unbearable.

I also understand how hard it is to speak out, hecis the ultimate Mr nice guy out in public, I am the only one who sees any of this.i have taken the first step today and called the GP surgery to see a doctor about the anxiety and stress I am suffering, the lady on the phone was so understanding when I explained why I needed an appointment, she totally understood and was very supportive, more importantly, she believed me, that was such a relief.

He has walked out this afternoon, but after chatting to other very supportive people here, I am now aware that this is all part of the abuse.

Thank you so much for your comforting words, it means a lot xx

I woulbe surprised at anything anymore to be honest Roses, it just struck me as being a bit of a strange thing to say as he was leaving

Yep 3 months ago I realised. And me too I couldn’t believe someone who “loved” me could treat me this way.

yep mine too, very charming, funny. Kind. That’s one side. Then there’s the other!

I know he thinks I was the abuser but I’m now ok with that because I will always be the villain in his story but he is the villain in mine and his ex wife’s. Yep I was warned and ignored it.

oh yea it’s all power play. For too long I begged him to stay, embarrassed to say that now but reading that book his tactics stopped working because I could see through them. He lost his power. I kicked him out of my house and he has told me how much he loves me and wants to try, he’s never loved anyone like me, he wouldn’t put up with anyone else treating him the way I did 😂 seriously! No it’s just easier to keep me than to find a new victim.

mine used everything I ever told him and weaponised it and threw it in my face!

my trust is fucked. I’m still angry.

I can’t help but wonder if you have no one around you because he isolated you. That’s another thing they do. Mine didn’t but it is common.

my inbox is always open. Sometimes it’s just good to have someone keep you sane and say yes I understand xx

Yes, exactly! This is usually the cause of most of it, I bring a concern, he won't discuss and be accountable, that is when the manipulation starts. I have been in relationships before and always managed to articulate discussions that were received in a health manner, that alone should tell me all I need to know. I see your explanation for believing him (or ot) it makes incredibly perfect sense, I have basically allowed this man to define me without realising it.

I am dreading it when he comes back, I can feel the anxiety building just thinking about it.

Just struggling to keep a level head right now

OP,
You say that you are fully dependent financially. How has this come about? Do you have no income, or is it paid into his account? Do you need to divert any of your income?
What are your living arrangements? Do you rent, own? Are you living in his house?
I'm not being nosy, these are important things for you to think about, even if you do not wish to share the info. If you did want to tell us, it will help people to help you.

Just a thought and this will take balls and I don’t know if you’re strong enough right now. No shade

is the tenancy in joint names? If so I’d play fucking dirty. I’d pack all his stuff, I’d lock the dots and I would tell him that the abuse ends now and unless he wants you to report his abuse to the police you suggest he takes his things and signs to remove his name from the tenancy, the alternative you will call the police and they will help you to keep him away from the house.

do you think threat of police intervention would be enough to get him to fuck off and you have your home still?

that is of course if you want to stay. Might be better for you and your mental health to live in a place you haven’t shared with him.

I can feel the anxiety building just thinking about it

What will happen?

Havent read full thread but
Dr Ramani’s book “It’s not you” is great
On audible
Free 3months membership currently

So very cruel and horrible! Hard to comprehend the person you love has a mental health issue, but yes, that is the truth.

I don't really have anyone around me, I now feel I am isolated, which is why I posted here. Also I am financially dependent, the house is jointly owned an I have a small amount of savings, but that is all.

I'm fucking angry too, so many emotions running around in me, anxiety, disbelief, the list goes on & he has just stormed out like I don't even matter at all, followings the accusations of me being the problem and the abuser.

Total mindfuckery, how I will cope I don't know, need to find strength from somewhere before I end up in a real mess

It happened in hindsight, because I allowed it to happen, he gives me a small allowance each week, anything else I have to ask for.

Jointly owned home and a small amount of savings is what I have

Also I am financially dependent, the house is jointly owned an I have a small amount of savings, but that is all.

I would make sure that your savings are not accessible to him.
I know it is different for everyone, but I would not move out of that house until it was sold.
Now, he has moved out, you have seperated, you are jobless, and must be entitled to universal credit. Even if he moves back in, you can still be seperate.
I am not sure where you can get advice on this, but it seems to me that you need to gain some financial independence.

This is dreadful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve happiness and don't have to tolerate him anymore. Other posters have given loads of good advice. I'm just giving a hand hold.
Things can improve. You are an individual who can make it without your husband.
My mum was widowed aged 55, I have lots of friends in their 60s and older who are really enjoying single life. I hope you'll divorce him and feel free and happy.

Correct, I am not strong enough to do that right now, not particularly keen on giving the neighbours a side how either.

House is owned jointly, but even then, selling it would take time. Feel I have got myself trapped

Strangly, I did confront him a while ago regarding the abuse, but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears, I guess boundaries mean nothing to these people.

He stormed out this afternoon after telling me he spoke to the refuge about the abuse he was getting, he hasn't left at all, just another power struggle I have been told.

EG94, Is it possible you could pm me as I'm not sure how to do that, then I can reply

I don't know what will happen, I think that is what is causing the anxiety

Thank you so much.

Not tied by marriage fortunately.
Appreciate the handhold, it is so kind of you.

He stormed out this afternoon after telling me he spoke to the refuge about the abuse he was getting, he hasn't left at all, just another power struggle I have been told.

But I am sure you can still seperate within the home, and this will give you some financial independence.

@AliceB65 ,I'm glad your not married. All the better really. He has nothing to offer you.
You deserve to be free.

Your situation sounds awful - I really feel for you.

Call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 - the national domestic abuse hotline.

I understand that, but you clearly think that the situation won't be under your control, and I wonder why. What do you fear? Accusations? Violence? Silence? Getting locked out? Whatever your concern(s) are, we can probably offer you some suggestions.

Anxiety is caused because your parents didn't 'have your back' when you were little. That teaches you that 'nobody has your back'. Many of us are in/or have been in, that position. Nobody teaches us to have our own back. The part of you that does have your own back has been silenced and supressed for so long, that she has now had to throw a cup of tea, just to get herself noticed, and still you want her to shut up, you're embarrassed by her, you don't support her. She's tried to speak to you sensibly lots of times, and has had to resort to increasingly wild expressions of emotion, but you've never listened. He criticises her, and you join in. But she's your heart. She's the bit of you that experiences happiness, contentedness, beauty, love. If you silence her, you silence all that for yourself, too. What is it she's trying to tell you? Can you boil it down? For me, it was all the fury behind 'YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!', for you it may be something different. It does sound like she's starting to get her message across to you... if you support her, and understand why she had to throw something, rather than criticise her for it, you'll start the journey of settling down the part of you that's never had its needs met. And that's when anxiety eases. When you look after you: all the parts of you, even the screamy, throw-y parts.