I really need some support here please

[AliceB65]

Hi
I really am struggling to try and put what is happening to me into words & would really appreciate some support.

In the last few months I have finally realised I am being manipulated and emotionally abused, have actually been in this relationship for 18 years, but always believed I was the cause of all the problems and upset and arguments. I now know that this is not actually true.

In this relationship, whenever I try to talk about something he has done and try to raise that concern, he is using words to twist the situation around into it being my fault, simply cannot tolerate me bringing anything negative to him at all. He somehow has an ability to make it all my issue, I then find myself trying to defend myself, he also says unless I speak in a certain way, itis upsetting to him, literally everything that goes wrong here is turned around on me. The list of reactions I get from him are endless and would take a whole day to try and articulate them all here, it is very difficult to explain it all in words.

In the past I have been subjected to him visiting a female friend and exchanging texts behind my back, he continuously stares at other females when out in my company, shows zero warmth or affection towards me, lost all interest in anything sexual a long time ago, shows no understanding or empathy for how I feel when I am struggling with my own worries, has threatened suicide many times.

When I first met thus guy, he was nothing like this at all, I genuinely feel like I have been conned in this relationship.

The reason I know what he is doing, a little while ago after episode of this, I felt so broken and hurt I rang the emergency talking mental health phoneline and spoke to a counsellor, she explained all what was happening to me was abuse.

I feel so alone and afraid, I am fully dependent financially, 65 years old, don't drive, can't work because of mobility issues and totally feel trapped with no way out.

It all came to a head today when once again I tried to talk to him about the way he spoke to me, which again resulted in him usthe same behaviour towards me an I just snapped and threw my cup of tea at the wall, I know I shouldn't have done that as it has now given him just what he wanted, meaning it's all my fault.

I am struggling to cope with this anymore, I feel I am going insane and totally scared of what he will do to me next, scared it will escalate into him doing something to me, never been physically violent, but I am afthat will happen, I feel shocked at the way I just lost it, and very ashamed.

Can anyone understand this stuff and give me any advice on what to do, I don't really have any friends I can talk to and nobody outside of these 4 walls sees any of this, I feel like I'm drowning

OP not wanting to pry and you don’t have to answer.
I know you feel financially at zero in this relationship but apart from your savings, do you have any other forms of income? Have read so many posts on here from women who use their financial resources to pay for the household and their DP/DH gives little whilst still controlling their money.
As for his behaviour, it’s not how a reasonably normal, loving person acts.
Whatever is going on for him, he sounds incapable of loving anyone because the person he despises is himself. How he has ended up like this is not your fault, and will continue after you have gone.
As humans we try and rationalise another’s behaviour compared to our own standards - but his are so different to yours.
From reading your posts, even at this difficult time you have empathy and kindness for others.
I know you feel trapped right now but keep talking on here to women who have been through it and come out the other side.
We are all rooting for you OP.

Could you remind me again what the book is called please

This is the book. I'm reading it on my kindle so he doesn't see it (we're still living together):

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Even-Abuse-Restoring-clarity/dp/1739102606?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=be15c470-8ec7-4535-b468-a99ce80bab85

If you haven't already, I'd also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft. Someone on here linked me to a free PDF version a while ago, which I downloaded on my phone and again read in secret. I'll try to dig through my old threads and find it for you. That also gives a really good insight into how these men view the world and why they behave the way they do.

Knowledge is power in this situation. The more aware you are of the different tactics and abuse cycle, the more you can emotionally protect yourself from it.

Also "It's not you" by Dr Ramani is good.
That's a pretty new one.

It's not your fault. Please hold on to that.

Thank you, I don't have a kindle, I already have the Lundy Bancroft pdf and will definitely re-read it. If you don't mind me asking, what specific issue (or issues) caused you the biggest problems?

It's often so subtle that it's difficult to articulate but for me, it's the manipulation and DARVO you described in your opening post. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, gets turned back around and blamed on me. So many times over the years I've tried to raise issues or concerns, only to find that a couple of hours later he's having a go at me while I'm crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to change. He's also pretty consistently over the years tried to convince me that I have a number of different mental illnesses, and that and my reactions to things are the problem. He also has a history of being horrible to me when I'm ill and of giving me the silent treatment for days on end any time I've behaved in any sort of negative way (think getting mildly annoyed, snapping, criticising him etc).

Eventually I became wise to the DARVO tactics and stopped reacting as much. As a result (I think), over the last 18 months he became increasingly more verbally aggressive and physically intimidating. He's taken my car keys off me as punishment for speaking to him negatively, snatched my phone out of my hand and thrown it out of my reach for disobeying him, got up in my face calling me names in front of the kids, yelled at me SO many times, refused to let me go to sleep for days, thrown water over me while I lay in bed ill, and the incident which caused me to phone the police where he dragged me out of bed and down the stairs, covering me in bruises and giving me a shoulder injury I'm still struggling with now.

Written down like that it sounds awful, but in between those incidents were times when he was absolutely worshipping the ground I walk on, telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have me, giving me lie ins and massages and whatever else. And I think that's the thing I'm struggling with the most. Realising that it's part of a cycle and that adoring, loving husband is the same person who does all of the horrible stuff to me and then tries to convince me that it's my own fault and I'm crazy.

It's incredibly painful and difficult to process. I'm right there with you with that.

By the way, you can download the kindle app on your phone and read books on there.

Yes, same problem here, try to address any concerns at all results in the manipulation, which of course means nothing gets solved at all.

I haven't experienced a lot of the other stuff you mentioned, which sounds horrible and cruel, I don't get told what I can and can't do or see etc, none of that

Mine doesn't control my freedom in that sense either, or money or anything like that. But the book I mentioned explains that they don't have to be abusive in ALL ways to be abusive. Each case is unique. It also talks about macro and micro incidents of abuse. So the insidious, low level barely noticeable assaults on your character and self esteem versus the bigger more overt incidents. It's enlightening and put into words things which I've been feeling and experiencing but have been barely able to articulate.

It's all still a total mindfuck whichever way it happens!!

The part if this that is really making my blood boil is, they literally get away with doing what they like without repercussions 😡 I was thinking earlier abut when I noticed he was fixating on other women, not sure if that is because he doesn't care for that much, looking for a replacement of me or just downright fucking immature...what did make me laugh though is, he wouldn't stand a chance with any of them 🤣....or last very long.

Are you separating with your husband right now? Don't know how you live under the same roof and stay on an even keel

It's probably a combination of all three. It speaks volumes about his lack of respect for you (and women in general) though.

Yes, we're in the process of separating now. It's taken me probably the last two years to build enough strength and see clearly enough to get to this point. As for staying on an even keel, I'm not, really. Just trying to appear that way in front of him. Thankfully I have plenty of support around me. Women's Aid and my GP in particular have been great, I know you've already made an appointment with your GP but I'd really recommend giving Women's Aid a ring too if you get chance. They'll listen to you and help you get your thoughts in order and start to take some practical steps towards leaving.

Sounds like Allan from Aberdeen - not him by any chance? I had same manipulator in my life, albeit for 9 months only. One day I just quietly packed my things and left to a newly rented flat without telling him the last minute. He was livid 😄and was throwing stuff into walls and breaking things. So glad I left!

No, not Allan, think there is a lot of them around, it's like a lottery whether you are unlucky enough to encounter them

Thank you, I didn't know that

They will believe you OP.
My ex h was like this. I saw the lightbulb at the age of 52 and after 2 years, managed to get him out and divorced him. I live with my cats now in peace and harmony. It’s wonderful.

You need to get away from him.
Call Women’s Aid.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.

As this type of abuse builds insidiously it’soften that we’re in deep by the time we realise what’s happening.
You're not alone 💐

How are you doing today OP?

Hope you're doing ok @AliceB65.

Hi OP,

Two things I learned from separating from my narcissistic ex which might help you:

When it feels too much, when he is being relentless and you feel you're going to lose it, imagine yourself in a bubble. Everything he says just bounces off it, it can't get through to you. You can say meaningless stuff like "you're probably right" "I guess so" "ok" (whatever will calm him down rather than enrage him), but imagine yourself protected, unable to absorb his accusations.

Secondly, you said the last twenty years have been a waste and I get that: you reassess everything, it was all a lie! Even the good memories get tainted by his presence in them. But really a more helpful perspective is to look at today and think what is the best way forward from this point? And if nothing else, you've learned some stuff about damaging relationships and maybe you can help others with this knowledge. That was one of the things I took with me when I left my ex.

One more observation: Watchkeys is right about being kind to yourself about throwing the mug. "That was bad behaviour and I'm ashamed of it" is what he wants you to think. If a friend told you she'd done that, would you say that to her? Or would you say, "I'm not surprised, he puts you under relentless stress and you're not a robot. But this is evidence that you just can't manage his behaviour. This is how difficult it is to live with him. This is how strong you've been to live with it for so long!"

Be kind to yourself. I like the advice someone gave when you were feeling desperate yesterday, about doing something for yourself, a cup of tea or a walk round the garden. I remember so well having him constantly filling my headspace so that self care was forgotten. Start taking yourself back.

I know it's not my thread but @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas that's all really good advice.

It's such a shame that so many of us have experienced or are experiencing these things.

I just wanted to pop in and offer some solidarity because I'm in a similar position. I wish I had wasted as little as 20 years, because I've been with mine since 1993! 😳I only started to realise after 28 years 😳that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

It's a shock when you start to realise the truth but I've found that reading as much as possible helps (I've read the Lundy Bancroft book and "Was it even abuse?" mentioned above) to untangle what's been happening and also keeping a journal helps. I keep one online in Penzu (on a password locked laptop that is only mine) and one in Mynara and started about a year ago. Last week I read them through and it's astounding what I've endured but it's also astounding how manipulative these people are and how effective their behaviour is as a form of brainwashing. Now that I'm educated on narcissism, gas lighting, manipulation etc I can recognise it for what it is, so when the OH was engaging in a bit of gaslighting last week it didn't bother me BUT I thought "Poor thing, being a narcissist. Imagine living like that, not being able to have normal relationships with people without trying to control them, I'm glad I'm not like that" 😳. I had to have a word with myself and remind myself that this person is totally undeserving of any of my empathy or sympathy, so watch out for that!!

Still, I will escape one day. I bought my own car with my own money last week for the first time in years, because one of my thoughts was "How can I leave, when both cars are his?" Well now they aren't, one is totally mine 😎Keep going, never give up, you WILL escape one day and so will I.

Hi, yes, thank you for thinking of me.
Have spoken on the phone to the GP, apparently my best option without medication is to get counselling for myself, which will allow me to see things clearly and make the right decisions for me.

After our conversations yesterday I decided to look in to this problem in more detail. Apparently one thing I have been doing is being very reactive when faced with this manipulation, I can see now how that actually escalates the situation and causes more stress for me, however, I guess this is easier said than done.

I can self refer to the talking mental health services directly through their website, although it does seem at the moment there is a very long waiting list.i simply can't afford at the moment to go to a private councillor, I looked at a few this morning and they are around £50 -£60 per session.

How are you today??

Hi, thank you for your support.

It is just so great that others understand, have had some amazing hand hold here and truly appreciate that.
Spoken to the GP surgery today and organising some counselling for myself which will offer even more support.

Hi,

So sorry you are also going through this

I only recently discovered what it was a few months ago, it's almost like someone has hit you in the face with a brick. So many questions and thinking " how have I allowed this to happen " but I think the worst one is " how can someone who professes to care do this"

Absolutely beyond belief

In the case of my ex and a lot of narcissists, I think they can't actually see us as real people in our own right. We are the supporting cast in the drama of their life and he is the centre around which we all orbit. With that unconscious belief, you can kind of see why they get frustrated when we won't play our parts properly. Someone years ago on here described it to me as how you love a pet. You can love your dog, look after it, enjoy its company, meet its needs, but you don't let it sit at the table, because it's a dog! Your priority then is to find out how to modify its behaviour so it is a good dog again.

That's us. We're trying to get an equal partnership with someone who, although they might believe they love us, will never see us as equal to them. They can't go against those deeply held unconscious beliefs of their own superiority (or realness!). The manipulation is an effort to get us playing our roles properly again.

when the OH was engaging in a bit of gaslighting last week it didn't bother me BUT I thought "Poor thing, being a narcissist. Imagine living like that, not being able to have normal relationships with people without trying to control them, I'm glad I'm not like that" 😳. I had to have a word with myself and remind myself that this person is totally undeserving of any of my empathy or sympathy, so watch out for that!!

@Turtletunes , I actually think you're detaching healthily there, particularly if you're early on in the process of realising what's going on and adjusting. You are right though that if you act on the empathy or sympathy, it will just be swallowed up in the black hole of his need for attention, and no good will come of it. So you can feel sorry for him, but protect your boundaries and continue to create a life without him. I'm ten years on from leaving my ex and when I think of him at all (which is rarely), I do kind of feel sorry for him. He had a difficult childhood. But I can't help him and I almost lost myself trying.