I really need some support here please

[AliceB65]

Hi
I really am struggling to try and put what is happening to me into words & would really appreciate some support.

In the last few months I have finally realised I am being manipulated and emotionally abused, have actually been in this relationship for 18 years, but always believed I was the cause of all the problems and upset and arguments. I now know that this is not actually true.

In this relationship, whenever I try to talk about something he has done and try to raise that concern, he is using words to twist the situation around into it being my fault, simply cannot tolerate me bringing anything negative to him at all. He somehow has an ability to make it all my issue, I then find myself trying to defend myself, he also says unless I speak in a certain way, itis upsetting to him, literally everything that goes wrong here is turned around on me. The list of reactions I get from him are endless and would take a whole day to try and articulate them all here, it is very difficult to explain it all in words.

In the past I have been subjected to him visiting a female friend and exchanging texts behind my back, he continuously stares at other females when out in my company, shows zero warmth or affection towards me, lost all interest in anything sexual a long time ago, shows no understanding or empathy for how I feel when I am struggling with my own worries, has threatened suicide many times.

When I first met thus guy, he was nothing like this at all, I genuinely feel like I have been conned in this relationship.

The reason I know what he is doing, a little while ago after episode of this, I felt so broken and hurt I rang the emergency talking mental health phoneline and spoke to a counsellor, she explained all what was happening to me was abuse.

I feel so alone and afraid, I am fully dependent financially, 65 years old, don't drive, can't work because of mobility issues and totally feel trapped with no way out.

It all came to a head today when once again I tried to talk to him about the way he spoke to me, which again resulted in him usthe same behaviour towards me an I just snapped and threw my cup of tea at the wall, I know I shouldn't have done that as it has now given him just what he wanted, meaning it's all my fault.

I am struggling to cope with this anymore, I feel I am going insane and totally scared of what he will do to me next, scared it will escalate into him doing something to me, never been physically violent, but I am afthat will happen, I feel shocked at the way I just lost it, and very ashamed.

Can anyone understand this stuff and give me any advice on what to do, I don't really have any friends I can talk to and nobody outside of these 4 walls sees any of this, I feel like I'm drowning

I will call them when I know he won't definitely be around, I need to keep this quiet thank you

Ok so he has financially abused you as well as emotionally. Asking for an allowance, this is financial abuse.

I suspect you are in a better position than you may think. You need time tho.

my advice, send him a message and say you think it is a good idea you have some time apart and thank him for making this happen. That’s it. This is you taking the power back so he will likely try to engage in a he is the victim conversation and poor fucking him. Bolt the door.

when you know he can’t come back I.e when he is at work. Book 3 estate agents back to back and get the house valued. If you have a ring doorbell take the battery out. I assume you are mortgage free. Likely your 50% of the house will allow you to get a smaller place with no mortgage.

invest in a solicitor if you can afford to do so, you may well be entitled to legal aid, women’s advice can help with this.

when you know what the valuation is, set up alerts for everything in your budget. File for divorce and put the house up for sale. I suggest you file a police report so it’s on file. Leaving is when an abuser is most likely to up the anti.

try not to engage with dickhead, get your facts together and be strong. There is an app, I don’t know what it’s called but if you shake it, it contacts emergency services I believe

Again, thank you for your support, I fully intend to contact women's aid when I know he won't be around, I already have a valuation on the house, so one job less.

I did send you a private message if I need to chat at all

Good luck @AliceB65. You've had great advice from PPs and such wisdom from roses321.

As I've been reading your posts I keep thinking of this thread and I thought it might give you some inspiration and hope.

Good luck. May today be the first day of the rest of your life.

Things I've noticed since the divorce

Hi @AliceB65 I just wanted to send some love and solidarity because I'm in exactly the same situation. I could have written most of your post about my abusive H who I'm currently in the process of leaving. I'm younger than you, with 3 small children, and mine has also been physically abusive and aggressive in the past. But it's the manipulation, gaslighting and DARVO that you and @roses321 so eloquently describe which is the most exhausting and damaging to my mental health. Even though I'm aware of it now, it's still soul and self-esteem crushing to deal with constantly.

And of course, it's all in my own head/my own fault according to him. He can do or say no wrong.

Mine regularly tries to 'diagnose' me with mental health conditions and for SO LONG I believed him and believed that I was the problem. He would also regularly tell me that I was abusive to him, particularly any time I would get upset and frustrated at having everything turned around on me and being blamed for everything. I stopped reacting to that eventually, and that's when he started to get physical/aggressive/intimidating.

Of course, he would deny all of the above and puts the blame for the breakdown of our relationship squarely on my shoulders and blames my mental health. The irony being that my mental health feels completely destroyed by this relationship. I feel like a shadow of myself. I feel traumatised. I'm angry and I'm devastated. I gave him everything, had his children because he wanted them so badly, and now my life is being turned upside down because of him, AND he has the nerve to blame me for it. And most pathetically of all, I'm still attached to him and crave his affection and approval, thanks to the trauma bond.

Apologies for the long post. I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone. I've found Women's Aid to be a huge help for both practical and emotional support. They will believe you. So will your GP. Mine sat and listened to me for ages, gave me a month off work, and asked me to come back in a couple of weeks so he could check on me. I've also been reading a book called 'Was It Even Abuse' by Emma Rose Byham which I've honestly found enlightening. It so accurately describes what is so difficult to articulate about this sort of abuse. I'd really recommend it.

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry.

It seems they all follow the same textbook & refuse to believe they are the one's causing the problem.
I was honestly worried that no-one would believe me,but the support I have had here today has been invaluable. Not one other person, as far as I am aware has seen this side of him, but now I have been encouraged to speak out and made the first step to do that today, I am going to speak to the GP possalso get something for the anxiety and stress

I am here if you want to talk/offload, solidarity is important in these situations

Hi Bitz,
Thank you so much, I will be sure to read, I never expected anyone to believe me, but have received amazing support here, I feel a bit less alone now

I recommend calling Shelter. They helped a friend into emergency council accommodation and even provided contacts for a free legal service to help them fight the council to get the accommodation!

Thank you so much, I am writing down everything that has been suggested and will follow it upxwhen I know he isn't likely to be around. Already made the 1st step today to speak to the GP

Thank you so much. I'm still very much trying to untangle myself and make sense of it all and it's such a difficult process. But I can see there's a light at the end of the tunnel now when I couldn't before. Hopefully you'll get there too.

Please keep posting on here. The support and advice from so many strong and knowledgeable women has really kept me going through some dark and lonely moments. You're not alone and neither am I. Everyone here believes you, and so many of us have experienced the same.

Girl how are you doing this morning?

I noted you're not married and have a house with this guy? Jointly owned and some small amount of savings.

FABULOUS.

Sounds like exactly the situation I was in as well (still am actually).

It sounds like you can make this work. Not saying it will be easy but you definitely can.

I don't know about whether it's possible for you to get a job even part time? Is that something you can do? If not that's ok, I am just asking for clarity.

Does the house have any equity in it at all? If so that's great. If it's truly jointly owned (on the deeds and the mortgage in both of your names) then you are entitled to half of the house, that's regardless of who is paying the mortgage.

So what happened with me is that I bought a house with my ex.

It was joint.
We both paid the mortgage.
I left in May last year, I just took off and went and lived in a house share. It sucked, but it was what I needed to do.
I got advice from a solicitor because my assumption was that I would have to pay the mortgage (my half of it) because I was named on it.
Solicitor said that technically yes I did, but I could write to him and lay things out, so this is what I did. I gave him 3 options (well 2 actually).

I said, I've left the house, I am not coming back (I refused to give him ANY details of where I was, he still doesn't know). The relationship is over.

I told him he could move out and we could both pay the mortgage jointly
I told him he could stay and pay the entire mortgage as he would have sole enjoyment of the house, and I told him that if he did this, I would not go to court to claim occupational rent from him, because that is what he would owe me if he chose to stay in the house.

He went fucking BALLISTIC. Tried everything from being vile to being nice... nothing changed my mind, I didn't go back. He demanded my address, refused. He threatened me with lawyers, don't care. Threatened me with "further action". Don't care. All bullshit.

I took all my furniture from the house and I sold it, I took people with me when I moved it out so that I wasn't at risk of his bullshit. He told me I was fucked in the head, utterly mental, needed to be locked up in a mental asylum, you name it. Didn't care. Carried on moving my furniture, sold it all for about 1/5 of what it was worth. He was too much of a coward to actually be there because he knew other people would be with me. I made sure I told him that.

I blocked him on EVERYTHING except email (which I needed to keep open because of the house situation).

We can't sell the house because of a legal dispute that needs resolving, so I still own it with him, but what i've done since moving out is shut down the joint account which the mortgage was going out of (he had no choice but to move it to his account or avoid a bad credit score).

I also severed the joint tenancy on the house which you DO NOT need his permission to do. This means that if you die, he won't automatically get your half of the house, and it also gives you a 50% share in your own right, rather than you both 100% owning the whole thing. You can read up on it.

I've told him the house is getting sold, and he is forced into a corner with this, he either buys me out, or he has to leave.

Throughout this, he harassed me with tons of emails, insults, accusations, abuse, threats, he wrote "formal" letters to me that were utter bullshit. I was heartbroken and I was scared at the time this all happened. I got a lawyer to write to him and tell him that if he didn't leave me the fuck alone, he'd get a non-molestation order slapped on him. He harassed my lawyer after that with stupid questions, I closed the account down with her to avoid him racking up anymore bills. He had no recourse after that.

Now I know that my ex a) Cares deeply about his OWN self interest so I knew that he would protect that at all costs. He wouldn't be able to stand a credit rating hit for example. He's all about himself. b) I know he's fucking lazy, so I know he won't want to leave the house, I know he won't move out, I know that if he does try to fuck me around I have a financial plan in place just in case. I have already moved the board pieces so that the mortgage goes out of his account every month.

The only way he can get back at me is by hurting himself basically, and I know for a fact that he's not going to do that. I can rely on it.

You need to look at your abuser, and you need to assess what you know about him that you can use against him, what are his weaknesses? How can you move the board pieces to put yourself on top and put him in a position of weakness? Start thinking about it, but that is how I got out. I had a place to go, I got my family rallied around me and I got professional advice.

I know it's not going to be easy, but that is why charities can help, that is why professional advice is good (citizens advice, helplines, free consultations with lawyers, legal aid etc.). If you're not working, you're probably entitled to help.

I hope this is a bit more information for you, but i was in the same boat, the battle with my ex is definitely not over, the house isn't sold, but i am now in a position where i can live my life without him interfering, and he also knows that I mean business, and that if I say i'm going to do something, I will fucking do it. He's left me alone now because a) he has a new supply to listen to him whine about how he was abandoned, and b) he knows that the tone has changed now, he knows i'm not going to be messed around with.

Hope that is helpful and gives you some ideas.

Hey OP, just sending strength to you and I totally get where you are coming from. They are so good at getting everyone to believe they're Mr Nice Guy aren't they. They're so manipulative.

It has got worse today as he won't leave me alone, can't say much now, but hopefully get back to you later...feel very much like he wants me to go under mentally

Just remember... standard part of the pattern. Not your fault.

He wants a reaction. Don't give it to him. Hold out. Don't give him a reaction. It could go on for quite a while. Stay solid.

That's exactly what he wants @AliceB65. They know that if you're mentally strong you'll see through and won't take the abuse. He needs you mentally beaten down and in a fog of confusion and emotional anguish to regain his control.

We're all here behind you. Keep talking to us.

He has gone out, I've actually broke down today as I'm not coping at all, not sure when he will walk back in, so need to be careful. How in hell do I deal with this, feel like I'm going under here

We've got you @AliceB65. Take some deep breaths, making sure the exhale is longer than the inhale, and try to focus on something, anything, that's not him. Do something nice for yourself. Read a book, run a bath or have a cup of tea and a biscuit. Focus on your own needs and wellbeing. His abuse works precisely because it keeps you focused on HIM and HIS needs. Take that power back. I'm here if you want to keep talking.

You remember what you've been told on this thread.
Know it's not your fault.
Keep your head, don't react, focus on your breathing, focus on grounding yourself as well.

Realise that you're a victim of an abusive son of a bitch who needs a punch in the nuts before they're twisted off and rammed down his shit spewing mouth (i'm sorry mumsnet but this is needed) and you DO NOT take anything that he says to you personally.

This is not about you, it's about him.

Repeat that over and over. It's not about you, it's about him. He is toxic, he's a narcissist, he's an abuser, and he's likely mentally ill. You've tolerated it for years, what he doesn't know is that you aren't going to tolerate it going forward.

Take stock of what is happening to you here, be VERY VERY aware of the things he's saying and remember them... but do not take them personally. Not about you, all about him.

What kind of sick bastard treats the person they say the love this way, or is saying they love you a lie too

Honestly, this is something that I'm struggling with myself at the moment. Trying to reconcile the man who says he loves me, who appears to worship the ground I walk on at times, with the man who manipulates and gaslights and shouts at and injures me.

Look up the cycle of idealise, devalue and discard. I think the answer is that they don't understand love in the same terms as you and I.

No they don't. They're fucked up people.

I see, that's hard to understand, I'm still learning here, so, why is he actually here with me at all if there is no feelings for me? really need to understand this

He does have feelings for you, in his own way. He just doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship. To him, the abusive dynamic of your relationship serves to make him feel good about himself by making himself feel special and superior to you. He loves you, but only the idealised version of you that exists in his mind. If you step outside of that template, he can't cope because it means he's no longer in control and he'll do whatever is necessary to get that feeling of control back.

It's possible he doesn't even realise he's doing it. But that's irrelevant, because the chances of him changing are slim to none. He'll never accept he has a problem or is in the wrong because the fragile ego which makes him behave abusively in the first place can't handle that.

Or something like that. I'm still learning and processing and trying to understand it myself. I'd really recommend that book I mentioned up thread. It does an excellent job of putting these experiences and behaviours into words and explaining how and why it happens.

It takes a really really long time to get this kind of concept drummed into your head but the best way I can describe it is:

they don't know what love is. They can't model it. All they know how to do is manipulate.
When they don't get what they want they throw their toys out of the pram like toddlers, they rage, insult and belittle etc.

They dont' look at the world the same way as you or I do.

They see it in terms of people who can provide them with "supply". That supply could be anything - it could be sex, money, companionship, it could be someone to use as a punching bag when they feel shit.

The supply you're providing is companionship, plus you're there to kick when he wants to feel good about himself.

Often they grow up in abusive households, they deal with abuse as kids, they grow up with this false self - it's almost like they have some sort of personality split where they behave this way to protect themselves at all costs. They don't know what true empathy is, they don't care how they make others feel, you cannot get through to them AT ALL, they can't reflect on themselves and they are just all around shitty human beings with very very rigid personality styles that are geared towards getting their own needs met no matter what.

I don't know if that explains anything to you, but the love you consider love, and the love he considers love = not the same thing.

Oh lord, I'm having trouble processing this, I have just wasted nearly 20 years of my life to someone who I now know to be not who I thought they were, literally makes me feel physically sick hearing the reality of this