I really need some support here please

[AliceB65]

Hi
I really am struggling to try and put what is happening to me into words & would really appreciate some support.

In the last few months I have finally realised I am being manipulated and emotionally abused, have actually been in this relationship for 18 years, but always believed I was the cause of all the problems and upset and arguments. I now know that this is not actually true.

In this relationship, whenever I try to talk about something he has done and try to raise that concern, he is using words to twist the situation around into it being my fault, simply cannot tolerate me bringing anything negative to him at all. He somehow has an ability to make it all my issue, I then find myself trying to defend myself, he also says unless I speak in a certain way, itis upsetting to him, literally everything that goes wrong here is turned around on me. The list of reactions I get from him are endless and would take a whole day to try and articulate them all here, it is very difficult to explain it all in words.

In the past I have been subjected to him visiting a female friend and exchanging texts behind my back, he continuously stares at other females when out in my company, shows zero warmth or affection towards me, lost all interest in anything sexual a long time ago, shows no understanding or empathy for how I feel when I am struggling with my own worries, has threatened suicide many times.

When I first met thus guy, he was nothing like this at all, I genuinely feel like I have been conned in this relationship.

The reason I know what he is doing, a little while ago after episode of this, I felt so broken and hurt I rang the emergency talking mental health phoneline and spoke to a counsellor, she explained all what was happening to me was abuse.

I feel so alone and afraid, I am fully dependent financially, 65 years old, don't drive, can't work because of mobility issues and totally feel trapped with no way out.

It all came to a head today when once again I tried to talk to him about the way he spoke to me, which again resulted in him usthe same behaviour towards me an I just snapped and threw my cup of tea at the wall, I know I shouldn't have done that as it has now given him just what he wanted, meaning it's all my fault.

I am struggling to cope with this anymore, I feel I am going insane and totally scared of what he will do to me next, scared it will escalate into him doing something to me, never been physically violent, but I am afthat will happen, I feel shocked at the way I just lost it, and very ashamed.

Can anyone understand this stuff and give me any advice on what to do, I don't really have any friends I can talk to and nobody outside of these 4 walls sees any of this, I feel like I'm drowning

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Someone years ago on here described it to me as how you love a pet. You can love your dog, look after it, enjoy its company, meet its needs, but you don't let it sit at the table, because it's a dog! Your priority then is to find out how to modify its behaviour so it is a good dog again.

That's us. We're trying to get an equal partnership with someone who, although they might believe they love us, will never see us as equal to them. They can't go against those deeply held unconscious beliefs of their own superiority (or realness!). The manipulation is an effort to get us playing our roles properly again

This analogy works so perfectly. It so accurately describes my experience with my own husband and is something I've been trying to articulate (to him, unsuccessfully, obviously) for such a long time. That inherently, fundamentally, he doesn't see me as equal to him.

And the feeling after trying to talk to him about it was probably similar to having your head patted! "Good dog, nice chat! Got to get on with my important human day now..."

(Although maybe I was lucky that my ex, as far as I recall, preferred to ignore me a lot of the time.)

Probably more like yelled at and sent to my crate for daring to put my paws up at the table... But yes. The analogy fits

Yeah, I was lucky to be fairly unimportant to him (except for childcare, housework, sex and appearance to friends!). I remember more patting than yelling type behaviour, anyway.

@AliceB65 is he giving you more space today?

Now the kids are in bed I've had chance to read your update properly.

Don't blame yourself to being reactive to his manipulation, that's a normal response. He just wants you to think it isn't so he can use your actions to punish you. But it will definitely help you if you can learn to react less. I really like the bubble idea mentioned by @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas. That's a great suggestion for allowing his words to bounce right off you.

Regarding the counselling, it's frustrating that there's a waiting list, but the time will probably pass quicker than you think. I don't know if this is an option for you, but I managed to find a local women's centre who offer counselling to victims of domestic abuse at a reduced/means tested rate. That's been absolutely invaluable to me. I don't know where in the country you are, but it might be worth having a Google and seeing if there are any similar services near you.

It might also be worth considering medication too. I started taking a low dose of antidepressants after my H assaulted me, and it really helped me stay level and detatch myself a bit from the situation. They aren't a magic bullet, but they might help give you a little bit more clarity and strength.

Keep going OP. You're doing great.

On my own today thankfully, peace and quiet

Hi,
Good to hear from you again.

Regarding the angry response from me, I think to keep my stress levels down more than anything, it would help to try and be less reactive, although once you know what is happening, even though you now recognise it, it still takes you by surprise ( that's where the easier said than done comes in)

I've spoken to another member here @roses321 about the women's aid freedom programme, looks like a good idea. Yes, therapy won't be a quick thing sadly, the organisation are at capacity at the moment & then a wait for the appointment. As you say though, it's worth exploring other avenues.

At least I have had a more peaceful day today and through research have gained a lot more information. This stuff is just mind bending

The more you become aware of, the more patterns of behaviour you start to recognise and the easier it becomes to see it for what it is and not react quite as much. It's definitely a process though.

In the book I'm currently reading, it explains how when you choose to end the relationship, they will often try to take back the power and control by acting like it was their decision and by putting all the blame for the relationship ending onto you. Lo and behold, my H launched into quite the attack on me yesterday (after telling me he loves me and doesn't want any animosity the night before, lol), acting as though it was his decision to end the relationship, telling me that my refusal to acknowledge and do anything about my (imaginary) mental illness was unforgivable, that I've been abusive throughout the relationship and he should have left me years ago, that I'm responsible for all our relationship problems and also for all of his awful behaviour towards me, because I 'changed his personality' with my abuse.

Even though it's quite literally textbook and I'd read about it the previous day, it's still really fucking hurt me and messed with my head, and there's a part of me now that's questioning my own behaviour and reactions and wondering if there's any truth in his words. Even though logically I KNOW it's a tactic to hurt and confuse me and to regain his sense of power and control.

So like I said, please don't beat yourself up for your normal feelings and reactions. These people know exactly how to push your buttons and you're only human. I'm glad you managed to get some peace yesterday, hopefully today will be another peaceful day for you.

Sent you a PM