Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

I agree totally, my ex started this shit when he was feeling guilty.

My husband has just left me after 11 years saying he loves me but not in love with me. No reason just went, it's a horrible feeling to lose your husband but I will get on and I will be OK. I will never have another man in my life x

This and the fact you are having lots of sex means nothing. He's cheating or thinking about cheating. She's perfect and you are not.

When someone acts like this it's usually they have something to hide! I was with my husband who was like this and turns out he was cheating on me!
Don't pit up with this behaviour as it brings you down and makes you doubt yourself in every way!!

I’m not a big believer in telling partners your whole past history because it can come back to bite you (as you’ve seen for yourself, and it did me once too).

Personslly if he continued this I’d split from him because you will never hear the last of it (ever).

I am a lot happier for no longer having (or wanting) a man in my life. It’s been several years and I don’t miss it one bit. My mental health has hugely improved, no going back.

Should add, I wish you all the best 💐

Couples therapy, you definitely need professional help here, I'd even go on your own if he doesn't want to come. If anything it will help you see things clearer, you sound totally overwhelmed. It's not always about staying together, sometimes it's healthier to part, good luck

Tell him if he wants to be part of your future, he needs to leave the past in the past, or get some therapy !
You can't change it and it isn't going away.

You chose HIM, you MARRIED him and had HIS child. He should concentrate what he has with you now, and building a future with you now. Tell him to grow up and get on with your life.
Rinse and repeat. Dont you dare apologise for what was then and is still nothing to do with him. Close these conversations down. Dont engage. He's feeling sidelined perhaps if your focus is the baby and not him.

He needs the help.

The older you get, the more sexual history and partners you have. It's no big deal and not a secret. If people ask, they ask. I usually say well, I had to learn to be this good, didnt I !

He sounds very very insecure and like he's struggling or scared hence the defensiveness and aggression sounds to me like he doesn't feel good enough for you amd has put his walls up imo

This sounds social media led. Porn led.
Feeling disconnected led and then fixating on things to play that victim and blame you for that disconnection.
I do think you need to talk about how it's making you feels but also try and get underneath the behavior to what's really going on.

I'm sorry lovely, it's not actually about you. It's about him.

I experienced this sudden misogyny and it only escalated and got worse. I didn't handle it well and it made me feel awful. We're not together now. It's a blessing. He wasn't a happy person, he was a controlling person but it became magnified and I wish I'd done things differently (not to stay with him but to value myself more).

Some counselling perhaps would help him?

How awful for you. He's obviously thought this for a while now and listening to AT has given him confidence to spout this shit. You should thank AT that you at least know. 😉

I'd be very worried about leaving my dcs with him when you hopefully leave. Get legal advice ASAP. You need evidence of his views as this is abusive. Does he spend much time alone with them now?

@MrsSymon have you missed the part where he's been watching Andrew Tate videos/listening to podcasts?

I am so sorry that your husband is being such an asshole to you about your past. I'm hoping you and the kids manage to get out. I've come across some of those videos and find them absolutely vile.

Unfortunately our pasts are a part of us and there is no getting away from it. It affects our lives by shaping us and our relationships, you can't hide from it. I speak from personal experience as my new wife has a history that won't stay in the past, she still works with an ex and she had an affair with him at the start of our relationship, I believe its over BUT when she talks about her interactions with him at work she is tries to hold back her enthusiasm or maybe its just me reading in to it? I manage to keep it under control most of the time and the rest of the time I have some silent alone time, to stop me walking away. This was just one example of many to help prove my point that dealing with past issues can be nearly impossible.

This is awful! The way he's behaving is giving off mega red flags!! You have been together 8 years, have two children and he's obsessing over what you did before you met him? I personally think he's trying to justify his own shitty behavior to himself, id say affair 💯. Whatever the reason you need to sit down and tell him you won't be treated like this. And as for the "you'd make a great single mom" comment the response to that should've of been yes I definitely will!! No dead weight bringing me down. I really hope you bin him tbh he sounds like an asshole!!

He thinks he is clever - now you will have to make it up to him and provide the pictures and videos he wants. And sex acts you didn't previously feel comfortable with. Didn't you say he now says he needs to be reassured? Don't fall for it.

A few things to answer here- no, you absolutely do not have to send him intimate pictures just because you did so once for someone else in the past. That’s like saying rape isn’t a thing if a person has ever had sex in the past- ridiculous idea isn’t it? Yet it’s what defence lawyers use as an argument. Yes you’re older now and your thought process is different but that’s not even the point.
It is normal I guess to harbour some jealous feelings about a partners past behaviours, even after some time has passed and even if he’s seemed ok with it before. It’s possible he never gave it much thought before or some conversation has triggered him to think more about it. But for most people this would take the form of ‘oh, I forgot that happened with him’ accompanied by maybe some mild sulking before you quickly get over it and remember this is person you love who is committed to you. He is taking this to extremes by constantly ruminating over it and making you feel like shit. That’s not on.
Some of this is also quite controlling. He’s already managed to pressure you into sending intimate pictures. It’s like he thinks he owns you, like he has a right to shame you and pick over your sexual history while maintaining his isn’t relevant (it’s not, but then neither is yours!).
This is about him. He needs to stop treating you like this, like you’ve done something wrong, or if I were you I’d be gone. In fact, based on how he behaving, I might be gone already.
I have to admit my first instinct on seeing your post title was ‘he’s either cheating or getting all his ducks in a row because he’s thinking about cheating’.

Sorry OP I missed the part about him listening to Andrew Tate.
I’ll simplify my earlier post- get him to fuck.

And you know him personally do you and can read his mind. Typical Brainless Mumsnet reply when there could be numerous other reasons!

People change over time. Some for the better, some get worse. Sounds like your hubby's turning into a curmudgeonly, old prick who's just looking for conflict. Nip this in the bud before it gets intolerable.

Well I'd happily marry a loser in that case!

I feel bad for your situation OP that he is being brainwashed by these misogynist influencers but no matter what his influences are these are his opinions now and I would be leaving asap in your position.

He might be up to something but making you feel like the villain...

His response here is a huge red flag. He is getting the ideas that men ‘have the right to know what their wives have done’ from somewhere. Sounds like he is watching misogynistic shit online.
if any partner of mine spotted such bile, I would be planning my exit strategy. This man is trouble and you to get those famous MN ducks in a row and plan your escape.