Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

So he's risking his family, his marriage, causing me this upset because of stuff some random on the Internet have been spouting
And now I've realised, what now.
If I left what would he have? Some you tube videos to watch?
What woman would ever live up to this suggestion of what a woman should be anyway? Who else would he find that would fit this mould?
It's so gross

I mean, I could try discussing it with him but if this is what he thinks then what's the point? Is he going to suddenly say it's nonsense and start respecting me again?
No.

Tell him he appears to be saying he's a loser - because he's married a woman who had (like him) previous sexual partners.

So the only way he can presumably become a non loser is by ending the marriage and finding a virgin partner.

Tell him that's fine, but asset division in the divorce starts at 50% including pensions, child maintenance starts at 12% of his salary for one child (if he and his mail order bride don't look after them for at least 50% of overnights per year) and that you'll let absolutely everyone know why the marriage is over; because he's discovered he's a loser for having married and had kids with a non virgin, and he's ending a marriage and breaking up his kids home to find and marry a virgin, which will make him become a 'real man".

You can let your body do the talking. 'Unless you quit with these repulsive sexist comments we will not be having sex because I find them deeply unattractive'. Hit him right where it hurts.

However, if there's even the slightest chance he might turn violent or abusive, say nothing and remove yourself to a safe place, the sooner the better.

What woman would ever live up to this suggestion of what a woman should be anyway?

I saw a guy on a forum I used to frequent with similar views talk about finding his "unicorn" (I don't know if she was a virgin or just near it (or lying)).

He's in the US, I believe she was an immigrant.

He said, without a shadow of self awareness, that he felt like divorcing her anytime they had an argument/some conflict; but that with kids on the scene and more importantly, his money at risk; he just worked through that anger & desire for a divorce and was stoical about it.

So, even when they get their "unicorn" they're still c*nts.

As you would expect.

A kind, reasonable person who sees others as equal ..is not going to view women & relationships like that.

Yeah you wouldn't want his "loser" dick near you now, would you?

Or does he consider himself a "real man" because - in spite of marrying & having kids with a non virgin - he tortures her about her (minimal sounding) sexual history on the reg?

This is all very rational, constructive, and "real man"-ish given that his wife can't use a time machine to unsend a tame "sexy" pic to an ex, or unfuck him.

Why doesn't he act like a real man and divorce if he's so unhappy and dissatisfied - instead of abusing his wife about stuff he accepted before & stuff she can't change, like a pathetic mental case.

@Cockaleedoddleydoo This is such a sad and shocking situation.
My heart goes out to you and your DC.
This YouTube tosser is essentially a cult leader, and your DH has been brain washed.

I'm not excusing him one tiny iota, he chose to go down this rabbit hole. But he is no longer the man you married, and this must be so upsetting for you .

Do you have family and friends you can turn to for support while you work out what to do from here?

This.

I suppose this could actually be considered a mental health problem, with underlying personality & values issues.

(That does not mean I think it's a solve-able one though).

It still might be worth considering asking him to attend counselling. Individual counselling.

If he refuses or the counselling doesn't help....at least it was tried.

Even if he comes out of it (unlikely) you'd still end up married to a weak, brainwashable, lacking critical thinking, sexist man with values issues - who has emotionally and verbally abused you repeatedly - though.

Thank you.
It is sad. This has all made me feel so upset. I went from being annoyed and a bit confused to feeling like I've just lost it all.
I keep thinking aswell if he believes all this now, what sort of stuff will he tell our kids. I don't want them growing up hearing this stuff.
I mean, if I leave him, I have no control over what he says to them when I'm not there..if he would. I don't even know if he would with them. Maybe it's just for me..

I do have family and friends a few hours away. But not here.

Yes this is true.
How can he take all this back now.
He's not even apologised for any of it. Just stands by it all and thinks I'm in the wrong.
Only thing he said was he just needs reassurance all the time...but about what? Nothing has happened!?

I keep thinking aswell if he believes all this now, what sort of stuff will he tell our kids. I don't want them growing up hearing this stuff.
I mean, if I leave him, I have no control over what he says to them when I'm not there..if he would. I don't even know if he would with them. Maybe it's just for me..

But they're already growing up hearing this stuff. And it will be worse the longer you stay.

Was just about to comment this. It seems quite a recent thing that men now seem to want virgin traditional wives and sneer at any woman who has had sexual relationships. Of course, they are right to have sex with anyone before, just not their wife. 🙄

I just read your updates OP I'm sorry. I think this is a time to have it out with him. He either gives up the videos and starts acting like he's in the real world or you leave. He'll argue that no one else will have you (because they believe women are worthless if they aren't virgins) but it's better to be alone than with someone like that.

He sounds like he's gone utterly batshit. And you need to tell him you're not fucking having it.
No more shaming, no more paranoia. He can see a therapist if he's got the nous but frankly I'd fuck him off. He's treating you appallingly and the reasons behind it (whatever the hell they are) don't make it right.

Genuine question here because i dont know much about the detail of what he preaches:
These Andrew Tate disciples who think women should be virgins when they marry but men should be sexually experienced and have sex as much as they like: who are the guys supposed to gain their sexual experience with? Are they just supposed to use sex workers?

I wish I had read a thread like this during my marriage.

You do not need to justify, explain or in any way discuss anything you did or did not do before the day you met him.

If this was the shoe on the other foot and you were repeatedly asking about his past, you’d be called neurotic, insecure or ‘crazy’ for ‘going on about it’

Fuck him, OP. He can miser all he wants and off he pops to find himself this lady that has never slept with anyone before him (obviously she’d need to ignore the fact that he has had lots of sexual contact, with the kids to prove it - but that’s by the by)

You’re married with children and NOW he’s decided you aren’t a suitable candidate due to his values.

What an absolute joke of a man.

Get yourself and your kids away from this horrible abusive man. You cannot protect your kids by staying.

You protect them by leaving him and telling your children that dad does not respect you had to leave because we do not stay with people who are cruel to us.

If they do need to spend time with him still, he is less likely to spout his rhetoric because you are not there for him to abuse. The reason he says these things is to control and abuse you. So with you not there, he has less reason to talk about it.

But going forwards you will have to do a lot of work to make sure your kids don't adopt his mysoginistic views. You may have to get them into therapy.

Give them a safe home and space with one sane, loving parents to retreat to. That way they have a place to escape him and a person to look up to that says his behaviour isn't OK or normal.

I know. PP have mentioned this aswell.
It makes no sense.
And as I've said, he was more than happy to go ahead and have sex with me pretty quickly, marry me, have kids with me.
And now it's all a massive issue that I had some boyfriends before him.
And sulking about me sending a photo when I have literally sent him photos aswell...despite me not wanting to.
The more I think about it all, the more angry I am. How dare he.

This hurts me so much though.
He always, always made me feel so important and special. But recently he's making me feel the exact opposite and I haven't changed a damn thing. I've always been the same with him and haven't done a single wrong thing in our entire relationship.
It's just nasty to be honest. He's being so nasty and he doesn't care

"Low value women".

According to them, the low value women will end up with low value men, the losers op's h refers to, and so called 'cucks" (used to mean a man who wifes up a low value woman, and esp. those who wife up women with kids from previous relationships. This is unlike the traditional meaning of cuckold, which was just a male victim of infidelity).

When I was in school, us girls were basically mocked and called frigid if we didn't do stuff with boys...
Now we are called slags for having had normal relationships before settling down...
We can't win. I hate it. Why is it like this. Why can't we be left alone and judged on who we are as people.
He makes me feel like a possession or a piece of meat

Well I suppose that's because that's how men like him view women.

And what is so high value about these men? That they don't know how to actually treat a woman?

He also had a problem with me losing my virginity to my first boyfriend because I waited one month. Apparently that was shocking and not long enough...
His first time wasn't even with a girlfriend...but I am less than him because of this...

Sorry. I'm ranting now. It's all coming to the surface and I'm remembering all these little comments that I ignored before.