Partner being sketchy a week before our wedding

[ame888]

I need some advice.I’m due to get married next week and this weekend I found out my partner did the following things:

• Saturday evening: Whilst at his bachelor party, he contacted several escort services, apparently ‘for his friends’ (most of them are in relationships) apparently he did it as a joke as he thought it would be funny, and told me that no one turned up to the house
• He told me that they only went to a regular club. I found out he lied to me and that 3 of the group went to on to a strip club in the early hours of the morning and my partner got a dance (there no was touching, they were just on a pole in front of him)
• Sunday morning: He messaged salons about ‘intimate male waxing’ then deleted all the messages (said he wanted to surprise me for the wedding by being waxed)
• Sunday afternoon: While I was hanging up his washing in the living room, he watched x-rated videos and pleasured himself in our bedroom. I heard the shower going and walked into a dark room, his iphone torch was turned on and I went to turn it off and saw the website. I had already been intimate with him in the morning, but clearly this wasn’t enough. I would never had found this out if I hadn’t gone in the room.

I just find it such weird timing to find all of this out the week before our wedding and I don’t know if it’s a sign? He has been cheated on before and has always said cheating is the worst thing that anybody can do. I don’t believe he has ever cheated on me, I mean the world to him and when he’s had really low thoughts I am the one thing that’s helped him pull through.

However, this all doesn’t sit right with me and I’m trying to see it from an outsiders perspective as I have such an emotional connection to him, any advice would be much appreciated.

I can’t stand the ‘last night of freedom’ BS. He’s not ‘free’, he’s in a committed relationship. He isn’t being forced into marriage under duress. If he wants to fuck around he should be single.

OP, he lied to you and then he told you a version of the truth that would be the most palatable for you to swallow. His friends are all enablers, they will cover each other’s backs. You’ll always be worried what he is up to whenever he hangs out with them.

Even if it is the least of all evils in these cases - a pole dance with no touching, calling escort agencies as a prank, getting a secret wax to surprise you (I mean, really?!) - He is clearly being deceptive. And from your post, it doesn’t sound like he is at all remorseful about any of it and promising never to do it again.

You could talk to him and tell him you won’t accept this kind of behaviour in the future but honestly, I think he’ll just make sure he gets better at hiding it from you!

You deserve a better partner!!!

Poster is gone. May be not a genuine post.

Anyway, how long was she with this man that never realised any of this?

Someone said coke behaviour. Yuck 🤢

He sounds like a creep. Run for the hills!

This has "biggest mistake of your life" written all over it op. He outright lied to you about the club and has proven himself to be a seedy individual, even if he does also have a loving side. This is your one life. It will hurt to call off the wedding, but not as much as marrying him will...
xx

Dump the scumbag immediately, call off the engagement, wedding, everything.

If he's bonking prostitutes he's putting YOUR health at risk too, he's playing with himself which is creepy, watching porn ... the lot.

He's a wanker, literally!

I wouldn't want to marry that creep!

Hmm the fact the OP hasn’t been back and the wedding getting closer not looking promising as to her dumping the sleaze bucket

It’s you who has to live with him OP.
So you have to summon the courage to answer the questions you find yourself faced with.

Can you happily and contentedly live with a man who considers it’s ok to use sex workers for himself and his mates for an entertaining night out. ?
Would you be happy with a baby in a sling or a toddler playing at your feet while you were busy trying to do the housework and all the time he was locked away in a dark room satisfying himself with porn. ?

i hope you have talked with him and he has been enlightened by you and your expectations of him as a partner.
Even so, he doesn’t sound much of prospect to me OP.

You have more than enough grounds to call the wedding off …or at least postpone it, - and I would strongly advise you to do that in this situation.

I’m sorry as I’m sure that’s not what you wanted to hear.
Don’t marry him if you can’t trust him to be the man you want him to be.

RUN! JUST RUN!

Can't you see it? He forced women to have sex with him for money. He is a rapist. You could be the next one.

“Would you be happy with a baby in a sling or a toddler playing at your feet while you were busy trying to do the housework and all the time he was locked away in a dark room satisfying himself with porn. ?”

Now think about when you’ve finally got free of him and have to hand him your sweet babies for unsupervised overnight contact.

Still want to marry him?
Get a grip and dump the scumbag now.

He thinks you’re locked in now, and won’t back out, so he’s letting his guard down. He’s showing you who is really is, and no doubt there’s more to come once you are married.

but of course it’s NOT too late for you to call it off, if you decide that the person he is showing you he is, is not the kind of person you want to spend decades of your life with. Damn sight less expensive now than a divorce would be…but only you can decide. Good luck x

Just yuk, he totally disrespected you. Hes vile, dont marry him and dont even stay with him, good job you found out before the wedding

It's not great that he lied but I don't see anything wrong with the other items, it's his stag do, isn't that the point of them?! And how old are you if you've only just clocked that men watch prn!

As a man I have to say masturbation is normal in side marriage. I’d question his common sense and wisdom in using porn on his phone and leaving it. As for the rest, escort agencies and strip clubs that’s not on, he’s looking for a little something extra, that’s a bit dark and he will partake when he finds it. If you are fairly vanilla and have no interest in entertaining any of his darker needs and fantasies then you need to have a chat now, because that’s an itch he’s going to scratch. I’d take it as a sign and get your deposits back this’ll end in tears…

@Jonnieboi Are stripclubs really that dark (in that sense)? I honestly think its quite normal. Escort bit different.

It’s about power not titillation and it’s about respect. He’d be upset if you paid money to gawp at men undressing I can guarantee it. If he’d never been to one before and he hadn’t booked it fair enough but that’s not the subtext here. I’ve been married for 26 years, never been to a strip club and never had an escort on speed dial but then I love and respect my wife. Can you now be sure he loves and respects you or you’re just a settle option. He likes to be stimulated and not by you that’s not great. It’s workable if it’s what you want but you never know if he’s going to find something closer to his needs.

OP, sending you love this is horrible.

Being the one who gets him out of dark places is not your role (in fact this dynamic is often used to control and manipulate).

If there was a real emotional connection on his side, why is he lying to you and behaving in a way that is disrespectful and upsetting to you?

His behaviour also shows a lack of respect to the commitment people in relationships have to each other and a lack of respect for women in general.

How far would this need to go before it’s cheating? If my husband behaved like this I’d feel cheated on.

Once you’re married, once you have children things get A LOT harder and you need and deserve someone who treats you and cares for you physically and emotionally a lot better than this guy.

Be strong. Listen to your gut. Don’t marry him next week.

At the very least delay marrying him. You have a lifetime ahead and you don’t like what you are now finding out. Marriage is a long haul move - you can’t afford to enter into it when you have just found out potential relationship breakers and have questions about how they will pan out for you.
There’s additionally a dynamic described here that really saddens me. You are putting his washing away while he is having a w*#k. Please, please be really sure you want to take on a housemaid role in a relationship. It might feel warm and cosy now. I can assure you that you’re not going to be as happy with that forever. Of course partnerships are about helping and supporting each other and playing to strengths so if you put his washing away in return for his, for example, washing your car, then that’s different… too many women still taking the lions share of “domestic “ work while men have time to lay around playing computer games etc etc

I used to work in an all male IT department. Work nights out often ended with a few of them going to a strip club. I always thought it was unpleasant but lots of perfectly nice men do it for the camaraderie. Maybe his friends thought it was funny to take him for one last wild night before he tied the knot. Perhaps your DP didn’t want to tell you because he thought you would be upset.
I would be upset about him calling the escorts but again, if it was part of his stag do, maybe they were just smashed and doing stupid things. Men do pleasure themselves and look at porn. At the IVF clinic where our children were conceived, the room where men go to produce their sample does have porn (according to my husband).
So it’s difficult to know really whether he’s just a young man with a decent sex drive who got a bit wild on his stag do or whether there’s more to it.
Has there been any other red flags? If you’ve got this far, presumably you know him well and love him? I wouldn’t end it over this. Unless you think there’s more to worry about.

Oh god did she marry him?

I’d say so

He sounds gross and I suspect that’s why you’re already hanging his laundry for him. Presumably the wedding has happened now hence the disappearance of op. Those who say plenty of nice guys go along with things on stags - he himself was the one contacting prostitutes and leaving porn on his unattended phone for her to notice….

OP we want to know that you’re okay!