Partner being sketchy a week before our wedding

[ame888]

I need some advice.I’m due to get married next week and this weekend I found out my partner did the following things:

• Saturday evening: Whilst at his bachelor party, he contacted several escort services, apparently ‘for his friends’ (most of them are in relationships) apparently he did it as a joke as he thought it would be funny, and told me that no one turned up to the house
• He told me that they only went to a regular club. I found out he lied to me and that 3 of the group went to on to a strip club in the early hours of the morning and my partner got a dance (there no was touching, they were just on a pole in front of him)
• Sunday morning: He messaged salons about ‘intimate male waxing’ then deleted all the messages (said he wanted to surprise me for the wedding by being waxed)
• Sunday afternoon: While I was hanging up his washing in the living room, he watched x-rated videos and pleasured himself in our bedroom. I heard the shower going and walked into a dark room, his iphone torch was turned on and I went to turn it off and saw the website. I had already been intimate with him in the morning, but clearly this wasn’t enough. I would never had found this out if I hadn’t gone in the room.

I just find it such weird timing to find all of this out the week before our wedding and I don’t know if it’s a sign? He has been cheated on before and has always said cheating is the worst thing that anybody can do. I don’t believe he has ever cheated on me, I mean the world to him and when he’s had really low thoughts I am the one thing that’s helped him pull through.

However, this all doesn’t sit right with me and I’m trying to see it from an outsiders perspective as I have such an emotional connection to him, any advice would be much appreciated.

Honestly I find anyone who says “cheating is the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship” to be a massive red flag.

Its a superficial comment to justify all the other shitty disrespectful behaviour that goes on in their relationships as “its not as bad as cheating!!!”

This type of man is not decent. It will play havoc with your mental health. Liars don't change. Call it off and save yourself a divorce.
Would you want a good friend or sibling putting up with this behaviour?

Yeah no sorry but run. All of that is screaming red flags and if he hasnt changed those foul habits and attitudes well, well, well before getting engaged, let alone married then hes never going to change and is going to continue to treat you like shit. Far cheaper and less painful to call quits now than to be fighting for a divorce not so long down the line. Hes dirt.

Or as one patner said 'I dont want to hurt you'...

Not sure of the best way to word this, but bear with me..
Sounds like he is thinking a lot about missing out on being with other women after marriage. If he hasn’t shown any signs of being like this before, is he maybe exploring like one night stand stuff? Because he knows he won’t (shouldn’t) once married?
I’m not condoning it, I think you should call it off if you’re having any doubts. I wouldn’t be able to move past it personally. But you have to do whatever you think best

Oh honey. He is just a stupid boy doing stupid boy things the week before the wedding. Men become silly before the wedding they egg each each other on. What's the big deal ? He sent some dumb texts as a joke and then deleted them. He told you. A pole dance is pretty tame tbh. The 'boys' will have 'treated' him on his 'last night of freedom". You need to be a bit more grown up about this. If he had slept with an escort or got tattooed you would know about it - and those would be reasons to call off a wedding. Honestly, this is just dumb bloke stuff they do. They dont think like women do. He was more than likely very drunk and encouraged by his drunk mates to make the calls as part of his 'challenges' on his stag nite.

Dont tell me you dont m#$sturbate when you feel horny and he's not around ? How is him doing this personal to you ? It isnt a personal slight on you, even if you already had s#x that day. He didnt pester you for more , he just did what he did !
Men consider S#x is just a distraction, because they are bored, because they fancy the TV presenter. Theres no personal emotion attached to what he did. He could equally have made himself a coffee, called a friend or played on his game machine.

The more you are in a relationship you realise men think so differently to women about many things. This is not reason to call off the wedding. Just tell him to lock the bathroom door so you dont disturb him. It's ok for you to say you were uncomfortable finding out about it, but really, as a married woman you arent going to be dealing with this on a weekly basis !!

Definitely signs and blatant red flags..ambulance, police and fire engine sirens going off all at once. These signs were most likely there you just wasn't paying attention, deluded and Rose coloured glasses on. Definitely signs you should not ignore prospone and or call it off as he clearly doesn't care

The fact that he’s enjoying a good ol’ wank while you’re hanging HIS washing tells you everything you need to know about the model of this relationship.

Ugh. Just why do women choose toads like these and run around like Victorian housemaids after them? No wonder he lies. Why would he be honest and have integrity when he’s got a sucker at home ready to marry him, do his washing and put up with his shit?

May be but if he were pressuring her for sex. He would be an abuser or even worse a rapist. If he is not what you expect from a man do not marry him. Other women would and do not care. They also would not feel cheated. It is all about what people want. I am like you but there is room for people more open minded.

I'd leave just for the fact that he sounds gross. I couldn't be with that kind of man.

Of course.
Once a real piece of 💩 shouted on top of his voice: "I'm a nice man!"
Guess what - he was/is a piece of 💩 😂

So you never knock one out when home alone and he's out/ at work ? For goodness sake. You were busy. He did what he did. No big deal. I've been married twice. Never judge a man for self love when I do it myself. Not all intimacy has to be hearts and flowers and romance with your beloved. Sometimes you just need to come. Why punish someone for something natural and healthy ?

Id walk away from all plans of a future with him. So sorry op. x

So would you be OK with going to a Magic Mike type thing? Also the pleasing himself. Have you never done that? I've done it a couple of hours after sex. Think some women can be a bit two faced with this type of thing. The number of hen nights where I've seen plastic willies adorned everywhere. It's OK to objectify 'men's bits' but God forbid a bloke goes to a strip show!! 🤣🤣
The prossie bit is a bit off, but did he go with one? No? 🤷‍♀️

The strip clubs wouldn’t bother me . On a stag do only. I think a lot of women look at strippers as vulnerable and this could be the case - but a lot of them are making money based on men sexualising them and they are doing it by choice, and fair play to them for taking ownership and earning money ! I wouldn’t be happy with it as an ongoing thing but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me if it was on a stag do.

Masturbating wouldn’t be an issue for me either .

The escorts - yeah , that would be. Regardless of if it’s a joke . There is a difference between a woman dancing seductively and selling sex. I think to do that , for the majority , it’s in a risky situation and probably controlled by someone else and I would not be happy with the man I’m marrying playing a part in that . I think that’s a joke too far . I also think the “grooming” thing is not what he says , purely because of how it’s tied in.

I think a serious think is needed and a serious talk. This is a lot so close to getting married and shows a lot of thought about other women when he should be focused on you .

He has been cheated on before and has always said cheating is the worst thing that anybody can do. -

^ so had my husband. By every woman he had ever been with . Actually there was a big thing between us when my best friend cheated on her ( abusive ) partner - because of how he so strongly disagreed with it . Didn’t stop him cheating on me - the only woman who had ever been faithful to him .

He will get worse once you're trapped

I would get rid of him he's not husband material. He's got so many red flags. Set the bar high OP

All of that is deeply unattractive. You can do better.

Yeah this.

How long have you been together? Guys often go to strip clubs and do dares on stag dos. Sounds like he was pretty uncomfortable about it. Not great he lied, so I'd be having a chat. But hardly wedding calling off stuff.

You were hanging up his laundry while he was tossing one off...
Is this what you want for yourself?

Very succinct 😂

I’m amazed that women have been taught to have such low bar regarding men.

Oh look poor stupid children who can’t help themselves. It’s totally normal for them to book an escort as a joke or go to strip club and for a dance. It’s their last day of freedom afterall (freedom from what I’m not sure).

You might want to be happy with these views. But not everyone has to have standards as low as that. It’s also ok to find it repulsive and a a deal breaker.

fwiw yes he says it was only a pole dance. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t or maybe it was more than that.

I hope you listen to this and don't reflect on this thread in a couple of years time.

Haven’t read the whole thread but not sure I would cancel the wedding over this without a proper talk with him to find out wtf going on.

Wanking to naughty videos before a shower - I hate porn - but (unfortunately) I think that is pretty normal for blokes.

Going to a strip club on his stag do. Tacky, sleezy, but again isn’t it fairly standard (not for all men but a reasonable minority) on stag dos? About the only time I’d see it as semi acceptable. Trying to get away without the wife to be knowing? Shitty but not a hanging offense.

calling escorts - now that I would want a full explanation for. And I’d be asking the wives and girlfriends of the other guys to get their story and try to work out truth. And unless it was 100% a joke and they didn’t actually arrange anything, a call and hang up situation, I’d be at least postponing wedding.

Wishing you well but please don't marry him. It sounds like you are starting a life of unhappiness and uncertainty