In laws calling baby the wrong name

[AppleStrudel23]

I don't have close contact at all with my in laws and neither does my husband due to his narcissist step mother who started a smear campaign against me a few months ago (that's another story!)

Our first baby is due any day now and one of the flying monkeys has been in contact with my husband and asked when she's born, but called her by her middle name and not her first name. When my husband corrected him saying to use her first name he basically said no that's also her legal name. I know this sounds very bizarre but I've heard my in-laws do this before with one of their friends daughters to dominate them. They called her by middle name and not first and when corrected they said to us "I'll call her whatever I want to, I choose". So basically it's some weird power game.

Getting upset about it and arguing about it is what they want.. I just need someone to tell me me why it's good not to react! Reacting is what they want and they love it when we get upset, it fuels the fire. I'm just upset this game is already starting. Sorry if this isn't clear, I'm a bit tired and already annoyed by this!

Call them Herbert and Myrtle.
Unless those are their names, of course.

They are absolutely after the reaction, so don't react.

Just say to the flying monkey, no, you are mistaken, her name is xxx and then nd the conversation.

No need to play their games, or get involved in their circus.

Algernon and Dymphna
Vernon and Edna

But really:

a Have as little to do with them as possible
b Correct them every time
c Tap your forehead and mutter about dementia.

Blank look and silence : change of subject every time the wrong name is used. Don’t rise to it but don’t indulge it either. God some people are overly hard work. I agree it’s a dominance thing and testing the boundaries. It’s a shame they know the middle name - can you claim you’ve changed your mind and she will only have 1 name?

I'd have some real fun with it.

"That's not her name but feel free to call her that." "Ok, if you like".

If there's no reaction, there's no power and then there's no point for them to do it.

Dont get stressed out about it. I used to do this with my ex mil and it ruined the end of my pregnancy.

You know they are arseholes so don’t allow them to get under your skin.

However I spent ten years keeping my gob shut and it did me no favours. So actually a big fan of biting back now.

Ignore flying monkeys but if I’d probably laugh in her face if she calls your baby the wrong name. Maybe roll your eyes and say ‘ oh nana nasty is strange’

Game playing version:
Tell them you changed your mind and decided not to have a middle name. You then give baby a full name on their birth certificate as you’d planned but don’t tell the in laws.

Upfront version:
Tell them they can respect your wishes and call baby by the name you’ve chosen or they won’t see her.

Every time they say the wrong name just say "who?" and make them explain that they mean X and just remind them that her name is X and then shut down the conversation.

Just say they can call her whatever they want if they enjoy being wrong.

If it was me, I would start calling them by their middle names and see how they like it 🤣

My mil told me she hated ds's name and wouldn't be using it. I said she didn't have to see him then..she soon stfu. Stay away until they show you some respect op.

If you can avoid them completely just do that.
Seriously, what is wrong with these people?! So rude and unnecessary.
Correct the flying monkeys every time if you must.
Return any gifts with the wrong name on as ‘it’s not for Flossie’.
If you can’t avoid them, any time they use the wrong name, head tilt and tell someone nearby how concerned you are about mil and dementia, as the baby is called Flossie not Mabel.
You get the idea.
Do not rise to them or cause an argument, that’s what they want.
If you can pass it all over to your partner to deal with, so much the better.
These people won’t stop with this, they will undermine every parenting decision you make. Cut them off now.

Have as muuuuccchhhh immature fun as possible with this. I like the suggestions about mentioning concerns about dementia within earshot of them. Call them the wrong names repeatedly eg Henry instead of Harry. Ask if they've remembered their brain meds lately. Etc. Or just miraculously become deaf every time they speak.

How much will you see the in-laws and their flying monkeys?

I would likely over time fade out to NC all of the ones that use the incorrect name. And just see the ones that use the correct name. I wouldn’t tell them what the rules were. They will work it out.

And/or any that ring or msg to say we want to come and see baby x. You say I’m afraid we only have a baby y and she only receives visits from people who know her name.

Relax for these last few days OP. These people are absolute idiots.

💐

Either ignore or you need to say something like 'are you okay mil we told you last time the name was x' then do a really puzzled face.

Thank you all! It's horrible how many of you have also dealt with such antics. I really struggle not getting upset by it and I have to have a hard think about how to react that is appropriate but also totally non reactive at the same time.

We're trying our hardest to keep the distance, luckily we live countries away and I've changed my number but the smear campaign is continuing to other extended family members. Even my own parents who my in laws met one time for a few hours (they also don't speak the same language) have received messages about how awful I am etc and how I'll be a terrible mother. I'm just ranting now! I didn't react to any of it and I think that made her angrier, my husband also hasn't been reacting he's been keeping civil and just tells her that he doesn't want to speak to her anymore and only wants contact with his father who is also however a flying monkey. The flying monkey in question who's started this name issue wants her attention because he wasn't her favourite child, he has to go above and beyond to get her validation so any chance to attack us he takes because she loves it and "rewards" him.

Wow it's all pouring out now! It's just really hard

You don't have to get involved in their game playing. In fact, you don't have to have any contact with them at all if you don't want to. Tell your DH that you're not going to be exposing your little one to his wierd family 🤷‍♀️

I would ignore them every time they use the wrong name and keep calling them random names. One day -hello Fred, next day - hello Steve and keep using random names.

Don't give them air time. What does your dh say?

If dd's bf's parents said unkind things about dd, they'd find the sharp end of my tongue - translated if necessary.

Just block them all. They have no right to abuse you like this.

Don’t play the game!! I know it’s hard, but start as you mean to go in. Some wise words from PPs

Erm. First don’t tell them when she’s arrived.

secondly when they call her the wrong name, just say you don’t know anyone by that name.

if they continue to be twats, just stop engaging. How boring. You’ll have more important things to worry about soon.

‘Who’s Bob?’
’There’s no Bob here’
’Im afraid I can’t help you with that. I don’t know anyone called Bob.’
Not Sue what you’re talking about. Listen, I’ll give you a moment or two to collect your thoughts. Call me back when you can remember who you’re talking about, and then put phone down.
’Are you ok?’

Just take them at face value and keep playing dumb.

OP they wrote to your parents saying that you were going to be a terrible mother?

I would have been no contact since that moment and would expect my partner to do the same.

💐

Dh agrees and says it's a dominance game and that not reacting is the best. Which I agree with but it makes me so upset! I'm mostly fine when I get attacked, I get upset when they attack him but now they've very slightly used the baby I'm super upset. They've called me horrific things and have messaged my family they don't know etc and have spread vile false rumours and have also potentially stolen a thousand pounds worth of tools (again we live counties away so we don't know but from what we've heard that's what's happened) and I've taken it all on the chin. I thought well she's cleary mentally unstable and she's trained her husband my FIL and her son, and they must all feel rotten about themselves to be so cruel. But just today this silly name issue nearly made me cry! I'm just so worried she'll work out the baby is my weak point and will make her and my husband suffer for it.