In laws calling baby the wrong name

[AppleStrudel23]

I don't have close contact at all with my in laws and neither does my husband due to his narcissist step mother who started a smear campaign against me a few months ago (that's another story!)

Our first baby is due any day now and one of the flying monkeys has been in contact with my husband and asked when she's born, but called her by her middle name and not her first name. When my husband corrected him saying to use her first name he basically said no that's also her legal name. I know this sounds very bizarre but I've heard my in-laws do this before with one of their friends daughters to dominate them. They called her by middle name and not first and when corrected they said to us "I'll call her whatever I want to, I choose". So basically it's some weird power game.

Getting upset about it and arguing about it is what they want.. I just need someone to tell me me why it's good not to react! Reacting is what they want and they love it when we get upset, it fuels the fire. I'm just upset this game is already starting. Sorry if this isn't clear, I'm a bit tired and already annoyed by this!

@AppleStrudel23

Just curious, what's the point of this house from your DH's point of view? Would you ever want to live in it? Based on FiL's age & health how many years realistically before DH has 'control' of the place and can do what he wants with it?

Personally, unless it would be worth millions if fixed up or I wanted to move 'back home' I'd be signing the house back over to FiL, or if that wasn't possible I'd be letting it go to the government for unpaid taxes. At any rate, I wouldn't be doing one single solitary thing to fix it up now. Let it go to wrack and ruin. Sometimes inheritance just isn't worth it.

Then I think you need to go back to flying monkey person and say “obviously it’s not settled until our daughter is born and registered, as she might not look like [insert name you have picked as first name], but we have decided we are definitely not giving her the middle name Isabella.” That’s not lying - you aren’t calling her Isabella.

you can say you will tell them after she’s registered what middle name you finally register her with, but it definitely won’t be Isabella.

there is no lie in that. And you wouldn’t be the first to look at your new baby and change your mind about the name. (Even more so when you have had this upset over names)

I've recently listened to Mel Robbins podcast on the "let them theory"... I wish I had heard this few years ago when trying to manage my own family flying monkeys! Alas, I drove myself batty trying to battle them...

But I totally get how personal it is when it's a comment or attack on your baby's name...too close to the bone... When my mother announced the arrival our our DC and told them the name, the difficult individual scoffed at her and said "did she really call the child that?"... My poor mum! These awful characters feed off reactions! Don't let them!

No we arent fixing it up anymore, its got a new roof and thats enough to keep it safe. My husband is emotionally attached to it as its something from his dad, his step mother has taken everything else and the father basically says he wishes he never gave him that house and that it should go to his little sister, the child of FIL and SMIL. He has a few good memories with his dad before SMIL came and good memories of the village in Hungary when his parents were still together and his full sister was still around (messy divorce, he had no contact with his maternal side and sister at all for the last 15 years which hurt him).

We were only making the house liveable so we had somewhere to stay when we went to the mainland to see family and of course to see his father. But now that relationship is under huge strain we won't be going back to the house there. He'll just keep owning with it and deal with it when his father passes. His father isnt old but he's in awful health and the SMIL is in better health and younger so my husband is sure his father won't outlive her or even live for much longer sadly.

It's No Contact from me
Fuck em

Is he in contact with his mother and sister now?

Casually mention to ask other family members they have have dementia in passing but then refuse to discuss it- accidental slip as it were.
Confuse them further by telling them the girl baby is actually a boy!!🤣

He is now, but his father doesnt know. He keeps that drama very separate and the father doesnt know because at the time his mother got in contact again there was already major stress between the FIL side and us. The SMIL would have lost her mind as shes a very jealous woman, as I said before shes not well

I would give them one reply and one only.

I don't know the baby's first and middle name but just say for instance if she's Sarah Jade I'd tell the in-laws ''if you insist on calling my daughter Jade instead of Sarah or Sarah Jade then I'll insist on calling you what you are.... ''arsehole''... and see how funny you think that is, OK arsehole?' And by the way, she's MY daughter, NOT YOURS so go back to your broomsticks and cauldrons''

That should knock them back!

How infuriating. They want a rise out of you. I hope your baby is never left with them, if you don't see them you won't be there to hear them deliberately using the wrong name so they won't get any feedback. As above if you do spend time with them, correct them smile mention dementia old people being forgetful laugh at them. Just don't fall into the trap of reacting. Just grey rock.

When they call the child by the wrong name just say who?

We chose a middle name for our daughter and were perfectly happy when people including my parents chose to use it... Maybe it's because I am autistic but I feel like I think completely differently on so many of these threads to the vast majority. Or maybe because I'm arabic...

Be upfront just say why are you dis respecting your son and I we have a name for our DS please use it. I am aware that you like to play these games however if you want to be part of your grandsons life I suggest you conform or butt out. We don't have time to deal with your dramas grow up.

Beat me to it 😂 except I was going to say Herbert and Maureen.

Or Stinker and Cowbag, if you really want to piss them off 😆 anyone can call anyone anything, really 🤷🏼‍♀️

If they're doing this just because they want to upset you, spread the word that you actually have swapped the names round and chosen Isobel for the first name. If they then start using what they think is now the second name, result. And don't let them know that they've played into your hands for as long as possible.

After reading about your situation I feel very sorry for what you are being faced with. It's stressful enough to be just about to bring a new baby into the world without the added drama from unhinged family members. You can't control the way they behave but you can control how you react to it and you are doing the absolute right thing by reducing your contact and making it only about the house, where your husband has to remain civil. I agree with you that lying about the name you give your child would be wrong but hopefully they will have so little contact with you, that anything they decide to use as her name to annoy you, will have very little impact on you and your family. Unfortunately attacking your child will always be an an emotional button and they are determined to be nasty, and they already are showing their intention by the letter to your family. It may seem dramatic but I would urge you strongly never ever to trust them for a second, to be alone with your child.
Try to ignore them and enjoy the time getting to know your new baby. It's such a special time and I know that you will be a great mum as you are already defending them. Love and hugs to you all.

These toxic people have no part in your lives now- having been rude to you and making negative comments. Absolutely do not engage.
They have made their views about you known and their intention to treat your child disrespectfully from day one. This is a trap- if you respond in any way- you will be disrespected further. If you do not respond.. you will be disrespected further.
You honestly cannot win. They will love bomb the grandchild and then use the childs affection to blackmail you both into engaging with their further games. It isnt about love in anyway. It is about control.
Luckily your husband can see this and has your back. Act now, and decisively. Do not tell them your child has been born ( block them on Social media ) nor their given name. Do not engage with them any further. There will be other acts of disrespect riding roughshod over your parenting and decisions ( haircutting/ earpiercing etc) against your Express permission. Been there, got the teeshirt.
Your child needs to be surrounded by loving people. These people clearly are not. You are upset now as your hormones make everything so much worse, but you will both find the strength mama bear when your child is born. That fire inside to to protect your child is all the strength you need.
Thse people do not deserve to be treated like grandparents, because they are not nice people. Your child should not be exposed to them or their games. Thankfully they are many miles away and let the flying monkeys be your messengers. Stick with one truth..Ethel and boris have stolen from us, disrespected my name and do not intend to be respectful when baby X is born and so sadly we will not have them in our lives going forward" stick to this.

They will of course lie and pretend to change but will revert to nature. Dont give them even the tiniest opportunity as they will see this as weakness on your part and victory on their part. I'm sorry but family dont act that way. I cut my toxic sister out of my life for the same reason. Your child/ children wont miss what they never had when they are surrounded by other loving family and friends.

Watch out for the other flying monkeys who will be manipulated by them to lay guilt on you or they will hijack flying monkey visits and just turn up uninvited. Be prepared to just up and leave if they show up.

Nasty inlaws are going to call you out anyway, whatever you do. The power they think they have is only power if you allow them into your head.

You will need the support of hubby absolutely. They will try and manipulate him against you. He's had years of it and could be vulnerable to their games so make sure you both want the no contact future to protect your child. If he's unsure then this wont work, they will change from the name thing as control to manipulating him away from you.

Sorry to be long winded and brutal, but I mean what I say with love. They only have power if you let them in.

You will have lots of ideas and comments from other posters and you must absolutely decide with your hubby the best way forwards for your new family unit. Draw strength from him and your joint love for your child. He knows what they are like. It's his job as dad and yours as mum to protect your children from them. When you both hold the baby in your arms you will absolutely find the strength inside you.

It's definitely about them having control. However on the other hand if it's the child's middle name surely you like it?
Ie baby is called Lily Rose. Grandma chooses to call her Rose... I don't see it as a problem unless you let it be a problem.

I don't know but why the annoyance over someone calling you or your child by their middle name?....How can it be wrong, when it's actually their name?...if it's not to be called, then what's the point of having the middle name? To decorate the birth certificate? I see no issues at all with being called by my first or middle name, they are both my names, but hey maybe because I'm African.

@Mama81 @CalmNina thanks for your replies.

The issue for me is they are already weaponising the baby and she's not already here yet. And we've had talks with them about another similar situation where they called their friends child by the middle name and the mother didn't like it and FIL got sassy and dominant about it saying he does as he pleases. We defended the friend saying "well it's ultimately her choice what she wants her baby to be called".. so basically they know how we feel about those games.

I won't make it an issue but it still got to me. My grandmother did that to me to upset mother so maybe that's also why it grinds my gears. Also the middle name we've chosen isn't even the name they're using, they would insist on using the Hungarian version. They're calling my baby Isabella when her middle name is Isobel, and I know they do that on purpose because before the big fall out they insisted on calling her the Hungarian version of her first name.