In laws calling baby the wrong name

[AppleStrudel23]

I don't have close contact at all with my in laws and neither does my husband due to his narcissist step mother who started a smear campaign against me a few months ago (that's another story!)

Our first baby is due any day now and one of the flying monkeys has been in contact with my husband and asked when she's born, but called her by her middle name and not her first name. When my husband corrected him saying to use her first name he basically said no that's also her legal name. I know this sounds very bizarre but I've heard my in-laws do this before with one of their friends daughters to dominate them. They called her by middle name and not first and when corrected they said to us "I'll call her whatever I want to, I choose". So basically it's some weird power game.

Getting upset about it and arguing about it is what they want.. I just need someone to tell me me why it's good not to react! Reacting is what they want and they love it when we get upset, it fuels the fire. I'm just upset this game is already starting. Sorry if this isn't clear, I'm a bit tired and already annoyed by this!

Do you need to have any contact with them at all op? If it's been that bad tbh I'd be saying no more and if they're starting the way they mean to go on then I wouldn't have them in dc life either. If dh wants to deal with them that's fine but he can't then talk to you about it and put the stress on you would be the boundary I'd put in place. They sound toxic and dangerous. And as much as I understand fil is being manipulated - he's an adult and is choosing to support toxic behaviours. You are allowed to cut them off in order to protect your new little family unit if they are likely to cause harm to it.

Honestly I would just let them - and say very gently and patronisingly - I really don’t want to embarrass you by pointing out that you’re getting it wrong again - but i’ve been noticing quite a lot of little slips recently and I wonder if it’s worth making a doctors appointment?

Do you also speak the language of your parents?
Every time the flying monkeys use the wrong name, make a long gobbledygook statement in that language and look at them as if they should understand every single word you’ve just said.
Then smile broadly.
Every. Single. Time.
They won’t know if you’re cursing them or reciting the national anthem. lol
Confusion is the enemy of disrespect.

Honestly, you do not need to get into a row. You need only say once "my child is called x. You know she is called x. You will give her the respect she is due and call her by her name, or you will not be around her to call her anything. I am saying this one time, because I am not prepared to fight with you. You will call her by the name we decided, this is the only warning I will give, so you think about what you want to do."
Then they make their choice.

That is giving a reaction though

I'm at a loss to understand why you would have any contact at all with these people if they have done what you say, or why your DH would. I wouldn't be letting any of them anywhere near my baby. If your DH insists on having contact with his family, I would tell him that I don't want to hear anything about them.

@AppleStrudel23 Tools? Care to elaborate? She sounds unhinged.

Please, please, pleeeeease don't allow your DC to ever even meet this woman once. Please she will hurt them

What a ridiculous bunch they are. Honestly, what grown adult spends their life behaving like that?

I think absolutely not contact would be the best thing. If a flying monkey shows up, tell them you haven't got time for their nonsense, then ignore them.

@AppleStrudel23 did you know they were as nuts as they now seem before you married your dh? If so, why did you marry into the family?

This is absolutely them sending a message that you and your feelings/preferences are beneath them. That's what everyone who refuses to use a person's preferred name is doing - saying "I refuse to treat you as an equal worthy of respect." The more anger or upset you show the more it will feel satisfying to them.

Just use it as a reminder to reinforce your boundaries to keep them out of your life and not let them near your DD.

Your dd will also be dhs weak point though. If they start attacking her it may give dh the impetus to go completely no contact. He’s only half way through his journey of low contact. He blames his dm now and sees his father as innocent. Once the baby is here , he will start questioning how his df enabled his dm to be the way she is. He’s going to have a lot more to process shortly.

This is one of those situations where I'd really, really want to start calling them Slagathor and Dingleberry, but you kind of have to just not react at all because that's what they're after. Just a concrete smile and keep reminding yourself in your head how utterly miserable a human you have to be to behave like this.

Or just don't see them at all, which is probably an even better solution. "You can't respect me and my child, you don't get to see either".

Say ‘oh I didn’t realise we could call each other just what we fancied’. Right well how have you been fuckface? And how about your lovely wife titwank?

Cut them out of your life completely.

Sounds like this is your sil. Why do you need to talk to her? Why does your family need contact with her or any of them? Cut them off completely and tell your DH that he has to deal with them and you don't want to hear about what they have said/done.

I'd definitely do this. Say she's not having a middle name, as then thry don't have any other option. Pricks.

Do this. And and when corrected say to them "I'll call you whatever I want to, I choose".

And ask yourselves - do you really want these people in your life at all? Yes, even his dad, since his dad prioritises being her flying monkey over being a dad.

@AppleStrudel23

First off, as far as I'm concerned no one on DH's side of the family needs to know when the baby is expected or when she actually arrives if it means they'll blab to SMiL. So when Flying Monkey called that person should have been told "We'll be in touch in due time" and that's all. As far as the name issue, frankly I'd say nothing. The less they know the better.

In fact, if SMiL knows what you're naming the baby I'd be tempted to pick another name. OK, maybe that's being spiteful, but I'd want her to know as little as possible. And if FiL won't stand up to her and demand that she treat his son with respect, then he's just as bad as her.

You need to block them and all their flying monkeys. You deserve peace at this time and a peaceful time at home with your newborn. Do whatever you need to do to achieve that peace. Then reestablish contact with members of DH's family who treat you and him kindly when the time feels right to you.

Why are people so batshit? And why is it so often women? The damage we do is seldom with our fists.

I would ramp up the dementia angle.

For every shit thing they choose to do, instead of reacting, which is the blood these parasites crave, do a pitying sorrowful act of how worried you both are that they're losing their faculties. Forgetting names, thinking things are true which are not, etc.

Poor things, it's such a shame.

This goes far beyond a piece of eccentricity or egotism or dislike over a name. This woman is intentionally hurting people who she is supposed to love in some sort of weird, twisted emotional game and apparently the rest of her family are enabling it. What she's doing - the letter to your parents! - is genuinely hurtful and insulting - to you, to her own son, and to completely innocent bystanders (your parents) who she barely knows and who must be really baffled and worried about what she's doing. Imagine a small child being on the receiving end of something like that.

In your place, I'd be no contact with the lot of them and not allow contact with the baby. In your husband's place, I'm pretty sure I could only deal with the other relatives (his dad and siblings?) by telling them not to mention her name to me and stopping them every time they try. When it was all adults involved there was some leeway to make allowances and play it by ear, but with a child I would not be taking any unnecessary risks.

My DP's mum calls our DD a completely different name (a variant of her middle name). She doesn't like our name choice so doesn't use it 🙄.

We just ignore it. She doesn't make any effort with the kids anyway and when she came over at Christmas, the kids barely knew who she was. Seems she's started to drop the name now we're not reacting to it. It mainly bothered me when DD was small as I didn't want her to get confused, but we don't see the woman enough now for it to cause a problem anyway.

Just cut across her each time she uses the wrong name, if she accuses you of being rude, just say, unpleasant isn't it. When your polite to my little family ill be polite to you.
If that fails, just firmly tell her you are bored of her childish behaviour, and you couldn't care less what she thinks,

The best response is indifference or failing that bored contempt.

Why have any contact or conversation? Save yourself the stress.

If anyone says anything, you don’t know what they’re talking about.

Is the baby here? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I’m going to call the baby X. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Etc etc and stop answering the phone/door/emails

Do the same to them. Give them names that are similar to their names.

If someone is called Myrtle, start calling her Martha, and so on.

Not the same background at all but I had someone at work always get my name wrong. My very common girl name of the 80s. I got his name wrong deliberately once and miraculously since then, he never got my name wrong again.

What an utterly pathetic and hurtful game to play. Their lives must really be small and empty for them to get any satisfaction from this. You are so right to rise above it, your apathy will infuriate them. And those flying monkey enablers will take the brunt of their frustrations!

It sounds like you’ll end up completely NC at some point. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!