In laws calling baby the wrong name

[AppleStrudel23]

I don't have close contact at all with my in laws and neither does my husband due to his narcissist step mother who started a smear campaign against me a few months ago (that's another story!)

Our first baby is due any day now and one of the flying monkeys has been in contact with my husband and asked when she's born, but called her by her middle name and not her first name. When my husband corrected him saying to use her first name he basically said no that's also her legal name. I know this sounds very bizarre but I've heard my in-laws do this before with one of their friends daughters to dominate them. They called her by middle name and not first and when corrected they said to us "I'll call her whatever I want to, I choose". So basically it's some weird power game.

Getting upset about it and arguing about it is what they want.. I just need someone to tell me me why it's good not to react! Reacting is what they want and they love it when we get upset, it fuels the fire. I'm just upset this game is already starting. Sorry if this isn't clear, I'm a bit tired and already annoyed by this!

Block them on everything and tell your relatives to ignore them. Tell husband you don’t want to hear a single word about them. You don’t need that negativity.

Take control back over this situation for the sake of your mental and emotional wellbeing, and that of your unborn child.

Your DH is welcome to speak to anyone he wants, but he doesn't need to relay every unhelpful conversation back to his pregnant wife. Ask him not to in future, he is responsible for protecting you from this shit at the moment so you can concentrate on what is important, having his baby.

Tell him you don't want to hear another word about any of them, block the lot of them, let him do what he needs to do about the house but my advice would be to sign it over back to his father, it's not worth the aggravation.

Stand your ground, have some boundaries, and create some peace for yourself. None of the rest of what you've written matters.

I'd be handing the strings-attached house back and going NC with the lot of them. They sound vile and they won't ever change - are you and your DH prepared to deal with this shit until they die? You've potentially got decades of this... and once the baby arrives - and they don't get what they want in terms of that relationship - things will probably escalate.

Life's too short to be dealing with people like that.

That doesn’t sound correct. I’m not familiar with Hungarian law but some other European countries have similar. You absolutely should be able to sell it, but the price would be much lower than for a normal property - usually a function of the “users” age. The buyer won’t be able to rent it or live in it while your FIL is alive but it could still be a good investment property (often the buyer would be a company rather than an individual). There might also be some ways for your FIL to violate the contract and remove his rights, you need to be sure he hasn’t already done that. Definitely do not renovate it! It’s not going to benefit you in any way right now.
If your FIL is still quite young you would probably get peanuts for it but at least you would be free from the control.

And it’s not a crazy law, actually. It’s just unusual to abuse family members with it (and your husband really should have read the contract before signing it and accepting the “gift”). Equity release in the UK, when an older person gets to benefit from their property value before they die, is very similar.

Given the baby isn’t born yet, I’d have fun with this. Get back in touch with said flying monkey. “Hi FM, after hearing you use the name Robert for the baby, we’ve realised we don’t like it and think we’re going to go with James Mark not James Robert. Although my Mum mentioned if the baby comes on their due date it would have the same birthday as her great uncle Tom and think maybe that should be the middle name. Anyway it’s definitely going to have the first name James and we’ll let you know what we go with for middle name. We will make sure we let you all know when we decide.”

Reacting is what they want and they love it when we get upset, it fuels the fire

So just don’t react. You have two options. If the babies name is Sarah and they call her Lisa (for example), don’t react and don’t correct them. Let them use it 50 times in a conversation. They will get bored if you don’t react or say anything, and they’ll drop that tactic moving forward.

Or, don’t react but say ‘okay Janice’ (obviously her actual name needs to be something other than Janice) and if she reacts, just look confused. She’ll get it. If she says her names not Janice just say ‘oh, I thought it was, it’s what I would have picked for you’ and give a tinkly laugh.

With the added info, you and your DC should be cut off from them. You don’t communicate with or ever see them again. Your DH limits his communication to the house. He continues to gray rock and ignores everything that isn’t related to the house. If I were him, when they used the wrong name, I would pretend they are confused and then change the subject back to the house. For example, they ask “Is wrong name sleeping through the night?” He should reply “I don’t know a wrong name. Did you say the bathroom sink is dripping at the house?” Keep doing this and remain calm. Even insist they are confusing you guys with someone else.

Make a game of it. Keep a tally of how many times they use the wrong name per phone call. Make a bet with each other before the call and winner gets to name a prize. Make side bets over how long it will take them to get frustrated and loose their temper.

You do not have to play any such game. Absolutely do not communicate with them at all and ghost any communications on social media. Make close friends and your DPs aware that you have some unhinged in-laws and not to respond. It is regrettable that people are capable of being so nasty but it happens.

Stop renovating the house. Forget the inheritance aspect - it’s not worth being terrorised for years, just in case you inherit a house.

If FIL dies first, MIL could change things anyway.

Live your life, forget the shit about the house and the tools.

I agree, if there’s no legal ramifications for letting the house just rot, do it. Let it go, assume you’ll get nothing from them and cut contact.

Thanks for your advice. The middle name isnt Hungarian, they did try and push for a Hungarian name a little, and even her first name they said they'd use the Hungarian version and not the German version we're using (my husband grew up in Austria with an Austrian mother and Hungarian father and the father then married the Hungarian stepmother and they moved back to Hungary). During the smear campaign I've heard they've been attacking the fact I'm English which is bizarre but I know they're just trying to find anything to be insulted by.

The tools we can't get, we're stuck in UK until the baby is old enough to travel as we can't afford the travel there before then or even he on his own.

We also legally can't sell the house until his father dies as he has a legal right to live in there and use. Luckily that right can't be passed on so SMIL can't stop us.

I'm not worried about the tools or house in all honesty, I've let that dream die. Its just that house is a tie to them. My husband says we wont go back there until his father is dead unless we legally have to. Luckily the rights the father has can't be passed on even to his wife

Thank you, that is solid advice. Making light of it makes it way better, the betting sounds really great lol

Ah thank you, I don't really know about these laws. He accepted it in his early 20's and didnt think he'd every spend much time renovating it, he just assumed his dad wanted to give him something. This was before the Step mother went mental. Its only really been the last 4 years shes shown her true colours, before that she'd at least pretend or she actually wasnt so mentally unwell

Me too, I'd have lots of fun winding them up 😁🤭

Op is the name thing cultural?

in Hungary middle names aren’t normally used and surnames proceed the first name, so John smith is smith John, and the child called John, ie using the second name,

OP, they sound weird backward and dangerous.
Probably best to cut them out completely 🤷🏼‍♀️
forget about the house they're just using that to keep you engaged so they can carry on being horrible (and weird and backward)

This is simple.

"Either call her by her correct name, or you don't call her anything as you won't see her".

Sharp. To the point. Gives them one chance to behave correctly if they want to be involved. Don't bog yourself down with their childish drama

Ignore them & cut them off.

They are using the house against you, and it's allowing them to have that 'hold' over you.

Personally, I would forget about the house. They know your partner needs to be in touch because of it. Block them out completely and leave them to do whatever they want. It can all be sorted at a much later date.

Don't allow them to ruin your experience of becoming a Mum.

Apologies if I have this wrong but from your OP it sounds like the baby isn't born yet. Therefore, your baby doesn't have a 'legal' name yet. She has an intended name. If I were you, I'd tell them that you decided not to give her a middle name. This means they won't have an alternative name to call her and upset you with. Unless they get to see her birth cert, they won't know any different.

Thank you for your suggestion, but I don't want to lie about it. I'm religious so lying really isn't something I want to do. I wish we didn't tell them originally though but I thought this wouldn't be an issue! But they have gotten the middle name slightly wrong, the middle name we're using is Isobel but they are saying Isabella so technically I could say "Thats not even her middle name!"

I thought about this but its not because they call everyone else by their first names except for our baby thats coming now and this other girl in the village who is the daughter of friends they fell out with because "They will call that child whatever they want to call her"

Sadly its just a way to dominate someone

Thats what I'll do. I do want him to however keep the bridges unburnt from his side if he wants to of course. I've stepped back from them really gracefully as I didnt want to make it a bigger deal and at the moment the plan is to not react but also not to be weirdly defensive with them.

What about telling them that you are going to finalise the names when the baby is born and you meet her and then only tell them the first name? People do change their minds on names when babies are born so it could potentially happen to you too. I know you don't want to lie but, to me, a small lie to prevent them having a stick to perpetually beat you up with would be preferable.