Help me dump a very sweet but needy cling-on..

[Welshiegreen]

Came out of a long term relationship early this year, and my friends suggested I try online dating to distract myself. Met a very sweet and kind guy, who made it very clear he was looking for a serious commitment as wants children and marriage etc. I told him, though I would love those things in the longer term, I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now.

He said that was fine and he was open to just seeing eachother casually. Man oh man, were 4 months later and I feel so stuck!

I feel like he is trying to trick and manipulate me into a relationship. Ive kept seeing him occasionally as he seemed really nice and it was a distraction from my heartbreak. However he has in the last four months told his family about me, told all his friends at work about me, made me feel terrible about still having dating apps on my phone, showed up at my work unannounced and met my boss, and spend upwards of £2000 on presents!

There are so many red flags - the fact that he's not respecting my boundaries about seeing eachother casually / taking things slow. A lot of his behaviours feel very love-bomby. Plus more recently he's started to get irritated with me. I feel like some sort of mask he's wearing is slipping, and he's actually really trying to pin me down into a relationship and he's internally very frustrated that I'm resisting.

I feel like my inner voice is very clear - that I want to draw a clear line under it, as being 'casual' is clearly not something that sits right with him.

Is a text sufficient / okay to dump him? I would describe our interaction as casual only, but I feel he would describe it as gf/bf going slow but deeply in love. I don't want to be mean, but I do wanna run for the hills!

Text is fine.

Things between us aren't working out. I've been upfront that I am only interested in something very casual. But you've made it clear you want more, and that's not something I can give you. It's best we go our separate ways. Take care.

Then block everywhere.

This times a million

End it clearly, text is fine if you feel more comfortable, ask that he doesn't contact you again. As he clearly has no respect for your boundaries I would however be fully prepared for him to not take no for an answer, and even turn up at your work, or your house.

You need help to learn how to enforce your boundaries

Pointless having them otherwise

Just dump. Say it's not working out for you.
A text is fine.

I think @LaughingElderberry 's suggested text response is a good one, just making it clear you can't meet his needs. Then yes, block, because it sounds like otherwise he will come back to you and he clearly doesn't understand boundaries.

Thank you all for your replies - I fully accept that I could have shut it down sooner. I think because he's come across always so kindly I've allowed him to push my boundaries..

@FUBAR77 the way to describe your colleague sounds JUST LIKE HIM. Intense is the right word!

Yes as other posters have said be careful. I can't believe he turned up at your work - I would have gone ballistic!

Do it by text. Be absolutely brutal and clear about it, so he can't claim to not understand. State that any attempts to contact you will be regarded as harassment. And then block before you get the demands for closure, the 'hey, how about coffee?', 'terrible news', awful medical diagnosis (with no evidence) and the almost inevitable threats to do away with himself. If there's one peep out of him at work, with your Mum or anybody else, then it's a police job.

Yes I'd end it he sounds quite possessive . It will only get worse.
He will likely be remorseful and want another chance. Don't do it. You would just be telling him this behaviour is acceptable.

I'd block him on all media and post the gifts back.

Dump, block, lock down your social media and be prepared to change your number, job and move. (Only partly joking)

But seriously don't be surprised if he tries to catfish you on dating apps or texts you from new numbers, leaves messages for you at work, he certainly sounds like the type.

Sounds more like a stalky psychopath to me than sweet.

I would take immense care in removing yourself from this situation.

It sounds like you fell for the nice guy façade, so you were blind to the red flags.

Try to use this as a learning experience, to recognise the difference between genuine niceness versus manipulative niceness. The main difference being that genuinely nice guys will respect your boundaries. Abusive men are often the nicest, sweetest, most generous and considerate guys you could hope to meet... in the beginning. That's exactly how most women end up in abusive relationships. They overlook the minor red flags in the beginning because of all his great qualities. When the bad starts to outweigh the good, they're already in too deep.

He sounds very stalkery to me. Be careful, I would review my security before dumping him and I would give the presents back as well.

Just fuck him off. It really isn't difficult

This is the kind of man who becomes a stalker when you end it.

Read this thread, OP. It's just the same scenario. And read all the OP's posts

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108377-clingy-and-needy-when-apart-great-in-person

Return the gifts, be straight with him. Instead of rushing from one bloke to the next maybe you need to spend a bit of time on your own.

End it, he has completely disregarded everything you have said. I would be careful to leave no thread so offer presents back.

I would not block straight away because then you don't have acknowledgement of him receiving the message. Hence why he stalked you outside work, looking at you ex. Once acknowledged then block.

100% this.

Be careful, OP.

Actually OP I think you need to take accountability for your behaviour in this.

You knew what he wanted from the start yet you used him as a distraction. That wasn’t fair.

16 weeks later and after accepting expensive gifts you want to bail.

Please don’t get me wrong - you have every right to end it at anytime but come on he has shown you who he is from the start.

He sounds like he isn’t going to walk away easily as you’ve allowed his behaviour to continue. And yeah he does sound like a basket case.

Return all the gifts and say it’s not him it’s you and you’re not ready for anything at the moment. Then block him - on everything. And I genuinely do hope he doesn’t turn in to a weirdo about it.

He’s already pushed boundaries in person - I would send a message saying something like the below - lean formal + emphatic…

Dear Clingon

I have been reflecting on my growing discomfort about our time together. I feel that my boundaries have been repeatedly ignored (surprising me with your mother, introducing yourself to my colleagues despite my continued assertions that I don’t want that)

While it might feel loving to you to give me unsolicited presents or to want to be publicly part of my life - it doesn’t feel loving to me when I have explicitly explained that isn’t what I want at the moment.

I am certain of our incompatibility and don’t want to waste any more of either of our time. I suspect that part of you knows this too - and I wish you the very very best in finding someone who better aligns with your relationship wishes.

My last one was like this.

Definitely by text and stay firm. I always take time with important texts … really thinking about how they’ll land. Be absolutely clear in what you say - no ambiguity. Ask him not to contact you again. No meeting in person under the guise of closure etc, etc, … If he turns mean and throws the gift buying back in your face then you tell him you’ll not be putting up with abusive texts and then simply block.

If he does turn nasty - and that’s quite common with ‘sweet and nice’ guys then you make clear you are not going to respond, but will ‘save his messages’.

Returning gifts also poses a problem so I’d not suggest doing that. If he asks for their return know full well it is only to force a meeting between you. So dropping them at his is out and neither do you want him collecting from your home or work. The only feasible way would say you’ll get a male friend to drop them round (he’ll not want that!)

Good Luck OP!

Please be careful - one can't help thinking of events in the news recently. He may not be so sweet.

Hand back the gifts somewhere in public, with witnesses and cameras, and tell him the relationship is not working for you and it's over.

The above suggestions for texts are great as is the caveat against dropping the gifts off in person. A male friend/ volunteer is an excellent choice. If no kind male is available, go with at least one friend and the chances of bad behaviour will be dropped. Arrange for a public place if this happens. A taxi driver can also be used to ferry his stuff back.

I wouldn't block immediately in order to see the reaction. If he tries to wriggle back you can text that your decision is final and if he doesn't respect it then you will regard it as harassment and take the appropriate as action. This usually scares them off. If not, you've got proof positive to take to the police, who will then make the situation crystal.