Help me dump a very sweet but needy cling-on..

[Welshiegreen]

Came out of a long term relationship early this year, and my friends suggested I try online dating to distract myself. Met a very sweet and kind guy, who made it very clear he was looking for a serious commitment as wants children and marriage etc. I told him, though I would love those things in the longer term, I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now.

He said that was fine and he was open to just seeing eachother casually. Man oh man, were 4 months later and I feel so stuck!

I feel like he is trying to trick and manipulate me into a relationship. Ive kept seeing him occasionally as he seemed really nice and it was a distraction from my heartbreak. However he has in the last four months told his family about me, told all his friends at work about me, made me feel terrible about still having dating apps on my phone, showed up at my work unannounced and met my boss, and spend upwards of £2000 on presents!

There are so many red flags - the fact that he's not respecting my boundaries about seeing eachother casually / taking things slow. A lot of his behaviours feel very love-bomby. Plus more recently he's started to get irritated with me. I feel like some sort of mask he's wearing is slipping, and he's actually really trying to pin me down into a relationship and he's internally very frustrated that I'm resisting.

I feel like my inner voice is very clear - that I want to draw a clear line under it, as being 'casual' is clearly not something that sits right with him.

Is a text sufficient / okay to dump him? I would describe our interaction as casual only, but I feel he would describe it as gf/bf going slow but deeply in love. I don't want to be mean, but I do wanna run for the hills!

Don't make it about the woman at work. Ok, this gives a good lead in but the message suggested, IMO, will lead to a load of 'i swear nothing is going on etc etc'. I'd make it more 'Bob, I've been wanting to speak to you...' then a simple, clear dumping

This.

It actually needs to be an, "It's not me, it's you" type message.

I think a text message is perfect to break it off. He sounds like he'd try to talk you around with the way he is if you called him or met up (talking from my past experience). Just say you aren't ready for a relationship and you want to take a break from dating for a while as you need to focus on yourself x

Hmmmmmm, maybe you are right.

"Welcome to Dumpsville........population you"

Yeah you need to be really, really clear that it’s over! Good luck.

End it.

Make sure you give him all his gifts back

I’d be avoiding any talk of “not being ready for relationship” or anything along those lines because he will read into it that he just needs to wait until you are ready. I fear you’ll have to be really harsh and direct.

Just pull the plaster off good luck

[insert Name] I've been thinking about it and this relationship isn't working for me. I think it's best we end it and go our separate ways. I wish you all the best in the future.

Then when he messages with whatever he says, say:

Sorry but I think it's for the best. No point in discussing it further. [your name]

Glad you're ok op and not being held hostage while he creates a replica of you!

It's hard to know if he's sinister or desperate (as in to keep you) but the reality is he's not a nice person.

He tries make you feel insecure and less no nice person does this.

I'd be quite blunt because I fear anything else would be deliberately misinterpreted.

'Hi. I know this has been a casual thing but I thought it fair to be honest and say it isn't working for me so I'm ending it. Take care.

Good luck x

Be VERY clear in your language.
Have a look at your boundaries because he is clearly unhinged and you tolerated it and acquiesed to his demands about posting on SM....not good.
Him coming to your work place is deeply controlling, manipulative and unhinged.
Be very careful OP of what you tolerate as it leaves you very vulnerable to an abusive twat.

The sweet and kind schtick - This is love bombing behaviour.

Acting like he's following a 'this is what a boyfriend does' script, and getting angry when you're not following the 'and this is what a girlfriend does' script.

Making you feel so uncomfortable you veer back into the script (such as the posting pics on social media incident).

Manipulating you into awkward situations such as meeting his mother, your colleagues.

In his mind he IS your boyfriend, you ARE his girlfriend and this relationship is going to follow a set of tracks he has laid out for you both.

You've already mentioned the mask slipping sometimes - yes, it's a mask.

And you'll either dig your heels in and do things your own way, and see the mask fall more and more often - with ugly results.

Or you'll blindly go along with it, anything for a quiet life - and in a few years we'll see messages from you saying he won't let you go out, wear makeup, see your friends ...

Female socialisation to be nice, be kind, give in, appease and please - he's playing you.

I initially thought a text wouldn't be the way to do it - but now I think yes, a clear, calm, factual 'this isn't working for me so I won't be seeing or contacting you again' message is wise.

No apologies, no 'it's not you it's me' nonsense, no examples that could be seized on and worried at. 'No I'm not ready for a relationship.' Nothing that could be read as a chink in the door.

Just a statement and repeat it, don't get drawn into conversations.

Return the gifts.

Be aware there may well be phone calls, messages, flying monkeys such as his mother employed, visits to your workplace, your front door, so have plans in place.

I'm worried about his reaction, @Welshiegreen

I hope he doesn't turn up at your work and harass you.

There's no need for a wordy text. Just tell him you don't want to go out with him anymore.

I think this is good because it's super clear. There's no room for him to try and interpret it incorrectly.

Do not mention anything he's done or the woman at work etc being a reason for this . Because that just lets him think "Ah, so what you're saying is if I change this, you'll come back". Make all the reasons about you and what you want/don't want. (Edited to add: I think I'd remove the "You clearly want something more serious than I'm willing to give" line from the suggestion above, as gives him a chance to say "Fine, let's keep it really casual" etc.)

I'd also put a plan together/have some words ready so you'll be prepared if he turns up at work, your house, meets you in the street etc. Because I'm pretty sure he will do this.

And without being alarmist, I would also just do some thinking about your safely OP.

I cannot believe you’ve described this obsessive nutjob as ‘very sweet’ and his turning up at your work as ‘a lovely gesture’. He’s a controlling creep and an absolute danger. You need to get rid of this mad berk immediately.

He might threaten to kill himself when you dump him. Don’t listen to him. He won’t. And if he does it’s not your fault.

Be prepared also for him to keep harassing you or contacting you. You’re going to need to block him on everything. It’s a worry that he knows where you work and knows who your colleagues are, but I guess you can explain things to them if he turns up.

Be very firm in your closing with him and also be extra vigilant about safety at your home in case he turns up. I had a terrible experience some time ago with a similar chap, not going into details here but whatever home security you have make sure you use it. And don't let him in.

Also, give your work reception and building security the heads up they are not the tell him anything at all about you.

Agree there’s nothing g sweet and lovey about this fucking lunatic. The second the manipulative controlling obsessive stalker turned up at my office he’d have been told to shove his flowers up his arse and fuck off. Seriously more red flags than a Moscow mayday parade

Let your line manager know.

If your building has security, ensure he is not to be given access. Always leave with colleagues, not alone, and be careful in the car park/bus stop etc.

Get the Ring doorbell so you can see who's there.

Screen calls.

Block on your social media and phone.

Change locks if he had a key.

Decline packages.

"Try online dating they said, it'll be fun they said".

It does sound like this is heading to a point where you need to straight up, and quite aggressively say "I am not looking anything serious with you, I think this needs to end".

He sounds unhinged.

Perfect, hopefully not too subtle for him though haha!

Best of luck OP :)

Mentioning the other woman is a mistake. He'll think he's upset you and feel encouraged. Be brief and clear, leave nothing he can get any purchase on. Don't say you're sorry, don't hedge. Don't say "I just think" or "probably" or that it's a timing thing. That will make him try harder to prove you wrong. Be bland and straightforward then keep repeating yourself word for word if he comes back at you

People like this will look for any way they can to not take no for an answer. You need to be clear and direct in a way that leaves no room for interpretation and nothing for him to latch onto, otherwise he will turn it into a negotiation. Mentioning the woman at work will make him think you are jealous and that you really like him, no matter what else you say. Saying you don't want anything serious will lead him to say he can keep it casual. Anything about timing will just mean he will wait you out. He is going to respond with whining and trying to change your mind, so don't get drawn into it. Make it clear this isn't a negotiation and it isn't up for discussion. And I personally wouldn't block him at first. There's a chance he will go off the deep end, so it's better to know that and be forearmed.

Hope you binned this fool OP.