Help me dump a very sweet but needy cling-on..

[Welshiegreen]

Came out of a long term relationship early this year, and my friends suggested I try online dating to distract myself. Met a very sweet and kind guy, who made it very clear he was looking for a serious commitment as wants children and marriage etc. I told him, though I would love those things in the longer term, I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now.

He said that was fine and he was open to just seeing eachother casually. Man oh man, were 4 months later and I feel so stuck!

I feel like he is trying to trick and manipulate me into a relationship. Ive kept seeing him occasionally as he seemed really nice and it was a distraction from my heartbreak. However he has in the last four months told his family about me, told all his friends at work about me, made me feel terrible about still having dating apps on my phone, showed up at my work unannounced and met my boss, and spend upwards of £2000 on presents!

There are so many red flags - the fact that he's not respecting my boundaries about seeing eachother casually / taking things slow. A lot of his behaviours feel very love-bomby. Plus more recently he's started to get irritated with me. I feel like some sort of mask he's wearing is slipping, and he's actually really trying to pin me down into a relationship and he's internally very frustrated that I'm resisting.

I feel like my inner voice is very clear - that I want to draw a clear line under it, as being 'casual' is clearly not something that sits right with him.

Is a text sufficient / okay to dump him? I would describe our interaction as casual only, but I feel he would describe it as gf/bf going slow but deeply in love. I don't want to be mean, but I do wanna run for the hills!

Oh gosh, he doesn't sound very sweet at all, he sounds controlling, manipulative and potentially dangerous. In every way possible he has not respected your boundaries and turning up to your work unaccounced with flowers sounds very stalkerish. I wouldn't normally suggest dumping by text, but for this situation then yes absolutely, get rid and just hope he doesn't cause you a load of hassle afterwards.

I got a great template on mumsnet for dumping a similarly clingy guy. This should do it:

Hey. Really sorry, but things have become too full on too quickly and it's over reached where I'm comfortable. I’m sorry to pour cold water, but I don’t see this going further. I wish you lots of luck finding your match - you are lovely and deserve someone who can match your energy. I just don’t feel that person is me right now.

@Welshiegreen I think accepting presents sends the wrong message. Return some if you can, or some money and then explain his continual overstepping means it will never work for you and block.

I would remove the "right now", OP doesn't want him on her hook!

Are you in London and is his first initial J?

He's not sweet OP. The fact you've framed it this way suggests you've been conditioned to think of such men as 'nice', when they aren't.

He's shoe-horning himself into his life. There are red flags flying everywhere on this. Your consent to this doesn't matter as much as it should. He's putting a bit of lid on himself for now, but I can bet that if you ever were to become official, this behaviour would escalate.

I would be concerned even if this were a woman doing this, but you need to be extra careful because he's a man. Give him back all his money or gifts and send him a text saying it's not working for you, even in a casual sense. Don't agree to be friends with him as you will only end back in this situation again.

I’d advise you to be careful too. He’s a narc/sociopath so go gently on his ego…don’t say anything that could be taken as a criticism. Blame yourself. Tell him how marvellous he is and that you feel so terrible that it isn’t working (don’t make it too obvious though). It’s a tricky game to play because if you block him you may become paranoid because you don’t have any idea of his state of mind. You have to use your own judgement there.

Then get yourself a personal alarm and a small easily-accessible hairspray for defence purposes.

I'd actually be worried that he will show up at your work if you just dump by text and block him he sounds like they type .

Time to follow the advice of Del Shannon

Tell him by txt or phone that it's over because he has disrespected your boundaries on multiple occasions and make it extremely clear that under no circumstances must he contact you In the future.

Then block him on SM.

If this braincell turns up at your home or workplace again after finishing with him, there are stalking laws so there are things you can do if he decides not to go quietly.

This is one of the issues with online dating too soon after a breakup, good on you though for standing your ground with him up to now.

Agree with others that you have to end it. Do it in a factual and non emotional way. Don’t say he’s a lovely guy and that you wish it could have worked out, he will just see that as an invitation to keep harassing you. I had a guy like this after me not long ago and he kept buying presents for me after I left but I refused to meet up and collect them. He then told me he had met someone else and disappeared for a couple of months, now he is single again and has started getting in touch and asking if we can just be fwb 🤮

He will not take kindly when you dump him but he sounds rather unhinged. Dump him via text, then block & delete.

I actually had this message nearly word for word from a man and I understood. I’ve now got a bf and he’s on tinder, job done.

@Welshiegreen How did it go dumping him, OP? I must admit when I saw that you haven't returned to the thread, my immediate thought was omg what has he done to OP!

Hey all,

Sorry I've not returned to the thread sooner! I've had some stuff going on with parents so that has been a distraction from this situation.

So he's actually away this week for work and text me yesterday afternoon about this wild woman at work. He then video called me around 5pm absolutely plastered and kept talking about this woman and asking if it bothered me. I think he was truly working hard to make me jealous as I've been very quiet with him recently (with wanting to break it off).

I said he was drunk and that we would talk tomorrow. I've woken up this morning to 7 missed calls from him!

I think this makes today the perfect dumping day! Wish me luck!

Good luck. And don't bottle out as I suspect there will never be a good time. Rip that plaster off sooner than later.

Sounds perfect 'we were only ever casual, so pleased for you that you have found someone, so nice that you have more things in common, have a wonderful life.'

I have been internet dating for a while now, and I have learnt that it's essential to sharpen up your boundary setting skills and get rid of that little voice that makes you avoid staying your needs and wishes for fear of hurting people's feelings. Don't be a dick about it obviously, but practice asserting your needs in a polite, non-judgemental way, and then taking action if you are ignored. That's the key bit, you have to follow up. If you can't do this, you will be taken for a ride in one way or another.

This is a great place to start. Break up, kindly but firmly, over text. Block. Move on.

It's worth reflecting on how you could/should have shut this down along the way and what you plan to do better next time. Onwards and upwards!

This!!!

Well he has just provided you with the perfect exit ramp.

"This new woman at work sounds great so I hope it works out for you. I have a few ongoing issues with my parents at the moment which is which is taking up a lot of bandwidth and to be honest I am stepping away from all dating until things settle down. Best of luck."

<pulls ejection seat lever>

Good luck OP. You've let this continue for far too long already.

"Hi Jeremy, hope your head is feeling better this morning. I've been thinking long and hard about us and come to the conclusion that we're not the right fit. You clearly want something much more serious than I am willing to give, and I should have brought this to an end as soon as I realised that instead of allowing it to continue for longer. That's why I need to be very clear about this now: I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I just didn't want to sugar coat it or give you any hope that I might change my mind in the future because I won't. I hope you find what you are looking for with someone else. Take care."

Good luck.
I think the reason you feel fine with him in person is because that’s when he stops harassing you.

This is perfect. Short and to the point. Please don’t go into lots of detail which gives him an opening to reply defending himself.

Thanks all! @TheCadoganArms that is literally perfect!

I will update!

I don’t think he’ll actually get he’s being dumped from that message.

It doesn’t actually say “so I won’t be seeing YOU anymore”.

he sounds the type to message back, “what does that mean, are you coming off dating apps (so we’ll be exclusive?)?”

OP just send him a simple message of “Bob, I’ve thought about for a week or so and I don’t want to continue dating you anymore.
best of luck with the future.”