Help me dump a very sweet but needy cling-on..

[Welshiegreen]

Came out of a long term relationship early this year, and my friends suggested I try online dating to distract myself. Met a very sweet and kind guy, who made it very clear he was looking for a serious commitment as wants children and marriage etc. I told him, though I would love those things in the longer term, I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now.

He said that was fine and he was open to just seeing eachother casually. Man oh man, were 4 months later and I feel so stuck!

I feel like he is trying to trick and manipulate me into a relationship. Ive kept seeing him occasionally as he seemed really nice and it was a distraction from my heartbreak. However he has in the last four months told his family about me, told all his friends at work about me, made me feel terrible about still having dating apps on my phone, showed up at my work unannounced and met my boss, and spend upwards of £2000 on presents!

There are so many red flags - the fact that he's not respecting my boundaries about seeing eachother casually / taking things slow. A lot of his behaviours feel very love-bomby. Plus more recently he's started to get irritated with me. I feel like some sort of mask he's wearing is slipping, and he's actually really trying to pin me down into a relationship and he's internally very frustrated that I'm resisting.

I feel like my inner voice is very clear - that I want to draw a clear line under it, as being 'casual' is clearly not something that sits right with him.

Is a text sufficient / okay to dump him? I would describe our interaction as casual only, but I feel he would describe it as gf/bf going slow but deeply in love. I don't want to be mean, but I do wanna run for the hills!

You were clear from the start with what you wanted and he agreed to keep it casual. He has crossed multiple boundaries you explicitly set out (i.e. bringing his mum when you said you didn’t want to meet his family) and clearly isn’t capable of being in a casual relationship.

He is in fact moving extremely quickly. 4 months isn’t a long time, even in ‘non-casual’ terms.

Whether done consciously or not, the gift giving is just a way of trying to push you to commit. Trying to make you feel like you owe him more of your time and affection.

I think it is fine to end things via text. You just need to make sure you are really explicit and don’t leave any room for doubt that it is indeed completely over. He is definitely the type of person to read in to the smallest ambiguity. (i.e. you say you aren’t ready for a committed relationship right now - he will think that you will be ready for one with him in the future). It will probably feel cruel to be so blunt with him but it is what he needs.

I would prefer someone dump me over text and I would do the same to them.

I don’t like being put on the spot and texting allows the person to process it before they respond.
If he chooses to ring you afterwards then that’s his choice and it’s your choice to answer (although I probably would to have it done quicker).

Send him a text now saying you’ve had a great time but you’ve decided to end it as you’re just not ready for a relationship.
I’d tell him that he’s a lovely person and you’re saddened that it’s ended this way but it’s for the best.

Let him reply and then say you don’t want to be friends or to keep contact, as that’s when things get confusing/messy.

It sounds like you fell for the nice guy façade, so you were blind to the red flags

Yes, I agree. When I read the title "sweet but needy" I knew how this was going to go. I've had problems in the past with so-called nice guys. It really is a facade.

I think you could dump him by text using the wording suggested by some of the posters here. There are a few good examples. Or a phone call followed up by text. Be very wary of any boundary crossing behaviour after you've dumped him, make a note of anything, block him if necessary and if you feel unsafe contact the police.

I think you know he's not going to go quietly so:

End it by text
Tell him that you're ending it because he is both intrusive and controlling and has ignored your oft-stated boundaries under cover of 'being nice'.
Because of what you've seen of this, you won't tolerate any further attempts at contact
You will be posting all gifts back
If he tries to get in touch with you again you'll escalate quickly - you have already taken professional advice on this and made friends and family aware.

I know it seems a LOT but honestly - show him you won't take any shit and get it over with properly and quickly.

And do not think about whether you've 'gone too far'!

If he's genuine but unsocialised (which he isn't - he's a controlling prick) he will learn a valuable lesson for next time.

I can see this ending with police involvement when he starts stalking you in earnest.

I agree with others, this man sounds like a potential stalker.
OP I think you need to end things as soon as you can, end it completely allowing no pathways back but also end it very carefully.

I'm alarmed that you don't seem to appreciate how scary and dangerous this man is. He is a manipulative abuser, end of. He is not nice. He is not sweet. He is methodically trampling over your boundaries to see just how far he can push you. He is now starting to display irritation and anger that he's not able to control you. He should never, ever be underestimated.

End it now, via text, and make it clear it's over and that he is should absolutely not come to your home or place of work.

Do not block him yet, however, absolutely do not respond in any way to anything he might say. If he becomes a problem, you may need documentation.

@thestudio
Tell him that you're ending it because he is both intrusive and controlling and has ignored your oft-stated boundaries under cover of 'being nice'.
Because of what you've seen of this, you won't tolerate any further attempts at contact
I think this guy deserves to be told this, BUT I dont think it would be a good idea to say it to him. She'd be insulting him & I dont think he'll take it well, I'd worry about retaliation if she said that to him tbh😬

Have you sent that text yet OP? You've had pretty much unanimous advice on here

"I'm sorry that I have to say this as you are obviously a lovely individual and I bet there's oodles of women who would love to hook up with you. Unfortunately that's not me, not right now. I have no right to keep you on a hook on the off chance I'll be ready so it's best if we call it quits right now so you can move on to someone more suitable. Yes, and it's me that's saying bagger off and yes I don't want you showing up in 3 months and yes if you continue to follow me about like a unwanted puppy I'll kick your butt down the road, even if the RCPCA are watching." whimper "ok ok - you know that fifth cousin I was talking about who was desperate to get married asap, here's her number. And no I don't want an invite to your wedding."

An ex Friend of my DP was just like this Op, he wasn't a bad guy but he got in far too deep, far too quick with any woman he dated, he married two and both failed fairly quickly. Even as a friend he was totally unreliable and yet far too intense. We've both blocked him on all social media and I suggest you do the same, don't give him a way to stay in touch once who've finished it. And don't let him make you feel guilty, he knew you didn't want a big romance so he's brought this on himself

He isn't sweet. He's trampled all over your boundaries. Calling or meeting instead of texting is out of courtesy. When they go against your clear boundaries courtesy is not required, only a line in the sand. Text is absolutely fine for this.

Hi OP, I was referred to this post by another user because I was in a similar situation (you could check out my post). He didn't shower gifts but did a lot of things to try to entangle our lives. There was also love bombing. Initially I thought, "Great, finally someone not afraid to commit and express their feelings." I also thought he was quite sweet. Then he sped things up too fast and started to push my boundaries. I realised that he was being selfish all the time; it was a completely one-sided interaction. He just wanted a prop, a doll, not a full human being, hence all the manipulation.

My thing with this guy ended up in a police arrest due to stalking and harassment. I still don't know what the best course of action was. If I just texted a curt goodbye and blocked sooner, I'd always worry that something horrendous would happen. So I called and emailed to break up. Then collected evidence while creating the effect that he'd been blocked -- turned off read receipts, silenced notifications, and 0 response. However, the police advised me to block, and if he contacted you via new accounts, it would count as harassment. In retrospect, I should have blocked sooner, because he would escalate one way or another. BTW (and I hope it doesn't come to this), if you call 999 because he comes to your door (without weapons), it takes about 1 hour for the police to get to your place.

Based on what you've written, it doesn't seem like he would take No as an answer (just like my ex)... start blocking and documenting asap. Be strong and stay safe.

I would text to end it, or if you can handle it, call him with a friend next to you, and warn it's over and that you are going to end communication with him.

I'd worry if I block straight away after texting as he sounds like he would definitely want to have his say and I wouldn't want him turning up at work/home etc.

So in this scenario - a firm closure conversation then block.

I'd make sure the gifts were returned sent by a secure signed-for route. Also could he have a key to OP's house? Once the dump has been issued, take very great care.

I had one of these, I ended it by text.
I didn't say anything he could argue with just that he's lovely and it's been great but I don't feel the relationship is right for me and I don't feel it's going to turn into a long term relationship that makes us both happy.
He asked if we could talk about it and then he changed his mind.

100% this…. Make sure you only dump him when you’ve a plan in place to stay safe….. and use Clare’s Law first- you CANNOT take any chances and leave yourself vulnerable OP . Hugs to you x

I echo what otters have said he’s not sweet and kind, he’s a manipulative love bomber who refuses to accept your boundaries.

You've jumped very quickly into dating after a LTR and that’s often not a good time for being in best headspace for seeing the red flags. Too many women have gone into a rebound and regretted it.

Yea definitely send him a text and don’t give him any opportunity to try and talk you round. And my advice from experience would be to be single for a while to get your mind clear and to understand your boundaries.

Let your family and friends know you are expecting trouble from him when you tell him you no longer want to be in contact. Let your boss know- incase he turns up at your work. Get a ring doorbell. Any chance he could have a key? Change the locks. Get a chain or something similar for door in case he turns up.

How are things today @Welshiegreen?

Did you send the text?

Agree. Hes going to stalk all your facebook friends, turn up at home, places youve said you go and obviously to work. Get the gifts together and ask a friend to drop them off. This might not go as smoothly as you hope but just keep saying no, block and repeat.

I would go away for the weekend and dump him on the Friday. He is giving away not so nice stalker vibes and I would not be surprised if he starts visiting your home to try and persuade you of the error of your ways. If he has a key to your place change the locks. Also tell work colleagues or reception at your office to not let him in.

Have you dumped him yet, OP?

Don't use the word 'relationship' when you bin him.