Help me dump a very sweet but needy cling-on..

[Welshiegreen]

Came out of a long term relationship early this year, and my friends suggested I try online dating to distract myself. Met a very sweet and kind guy, who made it very clear he was looking for a serious commitment as wants children and marriage etc. I told him, though I would love those things in the longer term, I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now.

He said that was fine and he was open to just seeing eachother casually. Man oh man, were 4 months later and I feel so stuck!

I feel like he is trying to trick and manipulate me into a relationship. Ive kept seeing him occasionally as he seemed really nice and it was a distraction from my heartbreak. However he has in the last four months told his family about me, told all his friends at work about me, made me feel terrible about still having dating apps on my phone, showed up at my work unannounced and met my boss, and spend upwards of £2000 on presents!

There are so many red flags - the fact that he's not respecting my boundaries about seeing eachother casually / taking things slow. A lot of his behaviours feel very love-bomby. Plus more recently he's started to get irritated with me. I feel like some sort of mask he's wearing is slipping, and he's actually really trying to pin me down into a relationship and he's internally very frustrated that I'm resisting.

I feel like my inner voice is very clear - that I want to draw a clear line under it, as being 'casual' is clearly not something that sits right with him.

Is a text sufficient / okay to dump him? I would describe our interaction as casual only, but I feel he would describe it as gf/bf going slow but deeply in love. I don't want to be mean, but I do wanna run for the hills!

I don't know, but I'd be careful. I would do it with a friend close if you do it in person. Would you be prepared to return the gifts?

Ways I feel manipulated:

• I went to his for a drink one night and he invited his mum around without telling me. I had told him before and again after that I didn't feel comfortable meeting his parents.

• He turned up to my work unannounced bringing flowers and coffee. A lovely gesture, except I don't want him to meet my colleagues or boss. He introduced himself this everyone.

• He got upset because I never post him on my social media. I asked 'why would I?' He was very moody about this so I ended up posting a story with him in to appease him.

• He texts and calls me everyday and if I don't respond he gets upset and tells me how bad his day has been.

• He always wants to know who I'm with and where I'm going. It's like I'm beholden to him AND HES NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND!

• He says he understands and knows I want to keep it casual, but every fiber of my being tells me that's not the case and he's just telling me what I want to hear but then acting differently.

I refused all the presents initially, but he presses and presses until I accept them. I've told him this makes me feel uncomfortable.

Ending it by text is fine, and I would block him too or he will only harass you. Make it clear that him coming looking for you will not be responded to well.

Just end it. All you need to say is that it just isn't working for you.

He is overstepping your boundaries and totally ignoring everything that you say. This isn't a man that you want to be in a relationship with.

A text would be fine, I wouldn't meet him again.

and yes, block him everywhere.

Dump him by text and if anything similar happens again, don't let it drag in so long, and make any date wait longer before you add them on your social media and tell them where you live and work.

Are you fucking kidding? idiot

OMG!!! I agree with pp " Im sorry but our relationship isn't how I thought it would be. I wish you luck in finding someone else who wants the same things as you. Bye"

And block. I would also tell whoever mans the doors at work not to let him in.

Just say that the relationship isn't working because you feel like he is pushing you into what he wants and needs but not respecting at all what you want and need. You are not in a relationship just to tick his pre-planned script of how life is once he has a girlfriend. You are a person in your own right, with your own way of doing things that is clearly never going to fit with his. You didn't want to meet his parents yet but he ignored that. You don't like texting as frequently as he does but he ignores your choice in this. You're incompatible.

I bet he'll demonise you. I'd be quick to give back any presents he gave you so he can't rewrite you as a gold digger.

This. And take some responsibility for your part in this dynamic, too. You could see his failure to respect your boundaries, his attempts to force you into a more public 'boyfriend/girlfriend' situation than you wanted, his ridiculous amount of gifts, yet you still spent four months with him. Be single for a while, and next time you date, maintain the boundaries you want, don't just state them and allow someone else to erode them.

Grim

I don't want to sound mean but perhaps you should revisit your own boundaries and communication skills.

You were obviously getting something from this weird arrangement if you did let things go that far.

I've never watched "Baby Reindeer" but it sprung to my mind when replying to your post

How is he sweet and kind? He sounds unhinged. Pull the plaster off and end it in whatever way you see fit. Just be clear and firm about this situation being over.

Boundaries are only any good if you actually keep to them and you haven't. Accepting £2000 worth of gifts from someone you don't want a relationship with, however hard they "press" is not on. He hasn't covered himself in glory either, though.

I think your only choice now is to return the presents, finish with him and totally block.

Oh dear, definitely extreme love bombing. I think you need to block this one asap.

End it by text but don’t expect that to be the end of it. I doubt he will take no for an answer and will continue to harass you. Prepare yourself.

He really reminds me of a work colleague of mine who I secretly believe has some sort of personality disorder. He is eternally single as gets very intense very quickly with any potential girlfriend, tells us everything about them from day one as if they’re already married! This is despite everyone telling him how doing xyz won’t be appreciated, everything has to be on his terms always - alas he never listens to any advice and is always furious when it inevitably ends.

End it kindly but expect him to keep trying and dismissing your feelings so he can try and worm his way in, so you will have to be Clear that you don’t want to continue contact as friends either…

I'm interested in why your title describes him as "sweet" OP, when his behaviour demonstrates he is a tually very disrespectful, entitled and selfish.

Yes, good point. He's the reverse of 'sweet'. He sounds coercive if anything.

That’s horrible.

End this asap.

Brace yourself for a nasty fallout.

As others have said, be very clear and very firm that it’s over. Personally I’d do it by email because you get to be clear and unambiguous - he sounds extremely manipulative and I’d worry that if you did it in person or on the phone, he’d continue to push against your boundaries and you’d end up agreeing to give it another go.

And when you’ve done it, block him or set up your emails / WhatsApps so his messages go into another folder. He sounds the type to bombard you with calls and messages.

Be prepared for him possibly turning up at your house (be vigilant when coming home or leaving), or at your work - tell HR / your manager / reception that if he turns up, you don’t want to see him. I’ve been here with someone like him.

Stay safe

My worry for you is that he may turn nasty when you dump him.

I had some elements of this and in the end I made up that it was because of him wanting x and me wanting y and I was so disappointed we didn't want same thing. Not my finest moment.

Calmly end it. If you can, return the presents as this will give him less fuel. Let work know he should not be able to contact you. Keep busy for the next few weeks and potentially stay somewhere else.