I am so ashamed of the situation I have got myself into. I need some moral support finding my way out.
I am 34 and single with no dc. I was engaged to my ex but we broke up before the wedding. I’ve been single for about a year and a half. After the break up, I moved to a small town where I have no connections. I work online and I have an amazing job and I make enough money that I only need to work 20 hours a week, so I use the rest of my time to study for a totally unrelated degree online, surf and hike with my dog. I have not made that many close friends here yet.
I made friends with a man I surfed with a lot and after a few months, I realised I was romantically interested in him. I made a move and he very gently told me he does not feel the same way and that he is still in love with his son’s mum. He then left town almost immediately for a work project which lasted almost 2 months. We stayed in contact while he was away and maintained the friendship. He returned at the same time I had to move out of my house due to flood damage, so I ended up with nowhere to live and we decided to find a rented place together. We’ve been living together as housemates in a 3 bedroom house since May. The rental contract is in my name (I sublet to him legally) and lasts a year which is pretty good timing for when my house will be repaired. We have had some issues:
- He did not pay the 1st month’s rent. He asked me to lend him the money and I originally agreed to it as a loan, but it quickly became clear he would not be able to afford to pay it back, so I said he should consider it a gift. He also did not contribute to the deposit.
- I do 100% of the cleaning, buy most of the food and all of the shared stuff like toilet paper. He usually eats 2 meals per day at work and 1 at home. He is a chef and has cooked incredible food for us both quite regularly, but not everyday.
- He sometimes comes home after I have gone to bed and cooks himself a midnight feast. I made a point of not washing up the pans he used for this and eventually he had used all of our pans and left them all dirty. When I told him he needed to wash them, he did but he was angry about it.
- I have an adult dog and he has a puppy. Because I work from home, I do almost 100% of the care for his puppy. He does not walk her before or after work and I have taken her for all of her vaccinations etc which he has not paid me back for. I also buy all of his puppy’s food because I felt awful feeding my dog premium fresh food and giving her the cheapest kibble he could find. A few weeks ago he disappeared for the weekend without warning, leaving me with his puppy. She is very closely bonded to me because I do all of her training and almost all of her care, although she sleeps in his room at night.
- He cycles to work but his bike was broken for ages. I lent him my bike and he took it for granted, caused some damage and used it without asking once.
- The other day we had a BBQ together and he told me how much he misses his son. I’ve met his son a couple of times when he visited in the past but he has not seen his son since April and I do not think they speak on the phone that much either. He says that his ex will not let him see his son until he pays back the £600 he owes her for maintenance. Like an idiot, I offered to lend him the money which he gratefully accepted.
- I lent him the money for his maintenance debt last week, and Sunday and Monday are the first days he has had off of work since then. I was expecting him to go to the town his son lives in (and leave me with the puppy!) Saturday evening. But instead, he came home with a woman he has known since childhood but who lives in a different city now. She immediately put her stuff in his bedroom and they had a BBQ which they did not invite me to join. He asked me to have his puppy in my bedroom tonight.
I feel like such an idiot. Partly because I can objectively see that we’re not really friends and I am just the useful moron who cleans for him, financially supports him and takes care of his dog. But partly because I just realised I still have a crush on him and I am jealous / heartbroken that he is shagging someone else in my house after I have done so much for him. Please help me get some perspective! There is no clause in his subletting contract for me to kick him out just because I’ve changed my mind about him, so I can’t just force him to leave.