I have a crush on my awful hosuemate

[Reallyverystupid]

I am so ashamed of the situation I have got myself into. I need some moral support finding my way out.

I am 34 and single with no dc. I was engaged to my ex but we broke up before the wedding. I’ve been single for about a year and a half. After the break up, I moved to a small town where I have no connections. I work online and I have an amazing job and I make enough money that I only need to work 20 hours a week, so I use the rest of my time to study for a totally unrelated degree online, surf and hike with my dog. I have not made that many close friends here yet.
I made friends with a man I surfed with a lot and after a few months, I realised I was romantically interested in him. I made a move and he very gently told me he does not feel the same way and that he is still in love with his son’s mum. He then left town almost immediately for a work project which lasted almost 2 months. We stayed in contact while he was away and maintained the friendship. He returned at the same time I had to move out of my house due to flood damage, so I ended up with nowhere to live and we decided to find a rented place together. We’ve been living together as housemates in a 3 bedroom house since May. The rental contract is in my name (I sublet to him legally) and lasts a year which is pretty good timing for when my house will be repaired. We have had some issues:

• He did not pay the 1st month’s rent. He asked me to lend him the money and I originally agreed to it as a loan, but it quickly became clear he would not be able to afford to pay it back, so I said he should consider it a gift. He also did not contribute to the deposit.
• I do 100% of the cleaning, buy most of the food and all of the shared stuff like toilet paper. He usually eats 2 meals per day at work and 1 at home. He is a chef and has cooked incredible food for us both quite regularly, but not everyday.
• He sometimes comes home after I have gone to bed and cooks himself a midnight feast. I made a point of not washing up the pans he used for this and eventually he had used all of our pans and left them all dirty. When I told him he needed to wash them, he did but he was angry about it.
• I have an adult dog and he has a puppy. Because I work from home, I do almost 100% of the care for his puppy. He does not walk her before or after work and I have taken her for all of her vaccinations etc which he has not paid me back for. I also buy all of his puppy’s food because I felt awful feeding my dog premium fresh food and giving her the cheapest kibble he could find. A few weeks ago he disappeared for the weekend without warning, leaving me with his puppy. She is very closely bonded to me because I do all of her training and almost all of her care, although she sleeps in his room at night.
• He cycles to work but his bike was broken for ages. I lent him my bike and he took it for granted, caused some damage and used it without asking once.
• The other day we had a BBQ together and he told me how much he misses his son. I’ve met his son a couple of times when he visited in the past but he has not seen his son since April and I do not think they speak on the phone that much either. He says that his ex will not let him see his son until he pays back the £600 he owes her for maintenance. Like an idiot, I offered to lend him the money which he gratefully accepted.
• I lent him the money for his maintenance debt last week, and Sunday and Monday are the first days he has had off of work since then. I was expecting him to go to the town his son lives in (and leave me with the puppy!) Saturday evening. But instead, he came home with a woman he has known since childhood but who lives in a different city now. She immediately put her stuff in his bedroom and they had a BBQ which they did not invite me to join. He asked me to have his puppy in my bedroom tonight.

I feel like such an idiot. Partly because I can objectively see that we’re not really friends and I am just the useful moron who cleans for him, financially supports him and takes care of his dog. But partly because I just realised I still have a crush on him and I am jealous / heartbroken that he is shagging someone else in my house after I have done so much for him. Please help me get some perspective! There is no clause in his subletting contract for me to kick him out just because I’ve changed my mind about him, so I can’t just force him to leave.

Stand aside OP and let me get a slice of this amazing beefcake! It will be fine, firstly start dealing with the crush, it will subside. Before it does, every time this guy enters your head, freeze frame the picture of him in your mind, like he’s on a cinema screen, then either let the image of him fade to black and white and disappear or imagine your throwing a rock through the screen. It’s a technique I used to get over crushes, it halts you thinking of them dead in your tracks, don’t ask me how, but it really works.

Next as everyone else says, get him out of your house and out of your life, out of sight out of mind, or should that be out of sight out of your purse! He can go waste someone else’s time and emotions. He will never change, there are probably similar reasons that he has an ex, she probably had exactly the same issues with him. Users never change, and unfortunately you have to think of them like predators, let them start eating another victim and run for your life, because they hunt for people to pounce on. Good luck OP, you are worth much more than this.

Did he even pay that £600 to exW?
Doubtful.

He sounds awful. You sound like a good and kind person who has been taken advantage of, Op. I hope that you are finding this thread helpful.

Of course you can kick him out! He has no contract , doesn’t pay rent.
What an utter waste of space he is. He has no respect for you . He owes you not the other way round….
BIg girl pants on please!

I’d like you to leave in a weeks time.
Can we make a plan for you to pay me back the money you owe?

Of course he won’t want to pay you back the money and will therefore be glad to slink off.

Be glad to see the back of this lowlife. You can do so much better.

Just wanted to say that my stupidest mistakes in relationships were not made when I was young and naive but when I was old enough to know better. So give yourself a break.... plus get rid of the wastrel as soon a you can, because your life seems pretty sorted and idylic in every other respect.

What an absolute bastard!

He’s utterly despicable!

I don’t know what possessed you op to move in with someone who had rejected you romantically - that was always going to be unworkable and leave you vulnerable - but boy has he taken advantage.

I would ask him to leave right now (don’t know what the terms of your agreement are) do give him notice if you have to, but I am worried that someone as unscrupulous as him, knowing that he has to leave, would take all of your valuables, or your bike, and take over the place and lock you out, or something hideous like that.

I would go and ask for advice from CAB or someone who knows where you stand legally.

I know you don’t know many people where you are but start inviting other people over to your flat, especially tall, big, strong, male people! Do you know any guys in the services or police? Rugby players? Coast guard?

I would be telling him you want the £600 asap as you were lending it him solely so he could see his son and that he has lied to you about that.

Of course he will accuse you of jealousy but be prepared and immediately say,”believe me, the reality of living with you has wiped the scales from my eyes; I don’t even want to be your friend any longer”

Go grey rock. And get him out of your life as soon as possible. But be very careful op. These types who are takers can turn nasty all of a sudden when you cut off their “supply” and finally put a boundary in place.

Get some outside support with this please. He has preyed upon the fact that you are isolated and that makes you vulnerable.

Agree with pps that you sound like a lovely, brilliant person op and you deserve so much better. 💐

If you have not already done so, do not give this awful man details of your home which is being renovated. Once he moves out of your temporary flat, block, block, block.

And look forward now and instead of clearing up after this prick, and looking after his puppy, invest your time and money in developing a life near your new home and joining clubs and meeting people.

And op, do not be tempted to keep the puppy. This will be hard. You can give it to a shelter or agree with the prick freeloader to find it another suitable home, but do not keep anything that will tie this guy to you in the future. Please don’t sacrifice your own happiness on this one. The puppy of course needs to be safe but you also deserve to be safe and totally liberated from this malign influence in your life.

Finally, maybe see a therapist and work on why you became vulnerable in this way. You are obviously brave and highly intelligent and resourceful to be able to find such a great job and to have come through a break up and a house flood and still have inner resources left to help someone else, but your selflessness was directed at the wrong person and you neglected to be kind to yourself! Maybe explore why this happened?

Take care op and proceed with caution but kick the bottom feeder out!

This. He's an absolute shit. Flush him away.

This. And again, for emphasis, KEEP THE PUPPY. He had no business taking on an animal if he isn't around and had debts. He can consider it repayment of the first month's debt.

You can re home it with someone decent if you feel unable to take on the extra commitment.

Also hear to say not shocked at the ‘I’m a surfer here’s my puppy I irresponsibly got’ vibe. You poor thing.

Ooft. What the fuck have I just read!?
What on earth are you doing!?

Give him a month's written notice. He's a sub letter, essentially a lodger. He's behind on his rent. He's not got a leg to stand on. 1 months written notice. Email it to him so you have proof of sending it.

DO NOT lend him money for a deposit elsewhere. He will ask for it.

Unfortunately it's often not until another woman shows up that women finally snap out of tolerating a bunch of shit. A sad fact really. As the fact that someone was treating you like a maid, nanny and bank should have been enough for you to tell him to fuck right off.

But hopefully, you are ready now.

He's a bad person op.
I know he give you the flutters but, he's...empty. just a lot of false noise whistling about behind a pretty face. I mean, they say the devil was once the Lords prettiest angel. Charming. Alluring. Manipulative. Evil.

Shake off the leach op. Before he drains you dry of all you have. Your money, peace, sanity...you.

You really have been really really daft. I can't believe you clean up after him 😭😭
Does he pay part of the bills or does his rent include everything?

Just ask him to leave. You have discovered why his son's mum LTB. If he won't change for her (for whom he says he has undying love), he won't change for a housemate. Tell him you'd like to stay friends and keep surfing, but you don't want to live with him. It's not a romantic relationship so entirely transactional. He gets that and is taking advantage.

You mention you legally sublet to him. Have a good read of the contract and make a plan to cease the arrangement.

As a pp said, don’t lend him any more money and he will soon default on his rent.

You sound amazing and he’s a wally. His bad, not yours.

On an unrelated matter, what job do you do that pays so well?!

It's like you're in a shit relationship without the relationship part.
At least you know it's not good and you can take PP advice and get rid of him

It's a first for MN, you have discovered the existence in the wild of the rare breed nococklodger. In fact it's somewhat miraculous that he hasn't used you for sex as well. This may feel a harsh way of framing it, but you need a push to tell him to leave, and leave he must.

He has preyed on you. He has seen you as a resource to use until it is empty. Everytime you look at him remember that he sees you not as a good person but as a cashpoint, mummy and housekeeper. Withdraw those services and see how he treats you. I don't think you fancy him, I think you are stuck in an abuse cycle from a narcassist. He makes you feel sorry for him with sob stories about his son, so you give him money. He's using that sympathy to extract money from you. He's using your caring nature to get food, medicine and care for his puppy.

I expect he's great company when he chooses to be and you have a great time so you are trying to get back to that state of bliss. He's using the fact you are lonely and dependent on him for company to treat you badly and still have you trying to make him happy.

You need to look at cycles of abuse or you are going to keep repeating this behaviour. He does not value you as a woman or a friend. Hes a scummy user and you are his latest mark.

I bet he's told the new woman you have a crush on him and will do anything for him. When she's there ask for your money back and tell him hes going to need to find somewhere else to live. Shame him infront of his new victim.

You need to find some new friends, social activity.
Maybe working part-time hasnt helped as he thinks you are loaded and you have so much free time to do things to ease his life. He may be jealous and wants to knock the successful woman down until shes the submissive mouse. They do that to soothe their fragile egos.

Time to toughen up buttercup.

Nococklodger 😂😂😂😂

All the pain, none of the gain.

Yes, keep the puppy if you can, but get out of there. He wo y like it, so maybe buy the puppy off him first.

😂😂

OP you're worth so much more. Waster out, keep the pup.

Firstly, I would say to stop being so hard on yourself. You clearly blame yourself for the situation you have found yourself in but this isn’t just a case of you being too kind, generous etc… This man has actively and deliberately taken advantage of you.

He moved in knowing you had feelings for him and knew he could use those feelings to manipulate you into giving him money, cleaning up after him and taking care of his puppy. He tells you his sob stories knowing you will offer to help him out. If he was any kind of real friend he wouldn’t have taken a penny from you. And he would be actively trying to pay you back.

As you say, you moved to a small town with no connections and you work online. So you have no support network around you. Your crush on him is just a proximity thing. I would try to actively work on your social life and meet new people. I am sure your feelings for him will quickly disappear when your social bubble starts to broaden.

You have a three bedroom place. Can you look for a second tenant? This would change up the dynamics of your living situation and be a clear signal to him that things are going to change.

Obviously, stop offering him anymore money. It’s clear from your post that you are going to do this anyway. Work out what he owes you and if you have the courage, ask when he is going to start paying you back. He will probably never pay you back a penny but it will stop him asking you for any more once he knows you are keeping a tally. The next time he starts a sob story about needing more for this or that just say ‘oh that reminds me, I have been meaning to ask you if we could organise some kind of payment plan for paying me back what I have lent you.’

You have every right to give him a month’s notice and kick him out. Do this, if you feel safe to do so. You mentioned he got angry when you pushed back a little on him cleaning up his own mess. Chances are, when he realises his charm offensive is no longer working on you, he might get quite hostile. I am not trying to frighten you into inaction, I just think you need to prepare yourself for this ‘friend’ of yours showing his true colours when he understands he longer has any hold over you.

You've been a fool but you know that.

Only give out what you get back for a balanced relationship with someone. This can be boyfriend, friend, family Etc.

Don't give this guy anymore money, time or effort. You're not even together but you're giving him girlfriend treatment. He is taking full advantage. He is an arsehole of the highest measure.

Save your kindness and loving for someone who deserves you.

Yes, you've been a mug, but now you have seen the light do something about it.
Tell him it's not really working for you to house share with him any more and give him notice to leave.
Offer to buy the puppy off him if he needs money for a deposit elsewhere.

Well, he owes you enough money that you have bought the puppy from him already.
Don't beat yourself up, op. It could be worse, you could have been in a relationship with him.

His behaviour would have been exactly the same and you'd have been more tied to him .
You've gone through a lot. You're probably traumatised and a bit lonely. Things will get better.

Get him to move out if possible. Don't give him any more money. And look forward to moving back into your own home.

Op, seriously you could have used the rental money he hasn't paid, the 600 "loan", and the time/money spent cleaning up after him & looking after his pet; to hire an actual male escort who'd have provided solo company, and hopefully a few orgasms.

What exactly are you getting off this guy for all your money and time and inconvenience?
Fuck all squared.

Just having his latest gf in your home, and the dubious pleasure of his company when he hasn't got his latest squeeze around.

He's using you like an absolute doormat - free accommodation, housework, pet care, bank (when no real bank would actually give him a loan, and if they even did there would be significant interest, which I bet you're not getting).

This dude is a user, free loader, parasite, dead beat Dad and general disaster area.

I doubt you're going to see that "loan" money again.

Was it any sort of formal loan agreement, done legally?
Even if it is, you will probably spend more (in including time, stress & hassle) going through court to get it back than it's worth.

I also doubt his child's mother will see a penny of it.

When his CM was set up, if done through the CM formally; it would have been a reasonable, achievable portion of his chef's salary. If done informally (in an agreement with his ex) it was his responsibility to agree a reasonable, achievable payment. There is no reason for him to owe his ex - essentially his child - significant amounts of money like that, other than his own irresponsibility, selfishness and shit money management.

You see how he is in every other way. I'd be interested to know how he spends his wage; it's certainly not on his child or on taking responsibility for his own basic costs like rent.

You need to urgently get advice from the citizens advice or a solicitor with experience of this on getting him the fuck out.

You may actually be able to just establish what you can do online. As a lodger, you may need to give him minimal notice.
But you need to find a backbone and stick to the notice and getting him out (with police involvement if necessary) or he is just going to drag it out indefinitely.

Ditch this useless git and keep the puppy
Win win