I have a crush on my awful hosuemate

[Reallyverystupid]

I am so ashamed of the situation I have got myself into. I need some moral support finding my way out.

I am 34 and single with no dc. I was engaged to my ex but we broke up before the wedding. I’ve been single for about a year and a half. After the break up, I moved to a small town where I have no connections. I work online and I have an amazing job and I make enough money that I only need to work 20 hours a week, so I use the rest of my time to study for a totally unrelated degree online, surf and hike with my dog. I have not made that many close friends here yet.
I made friends with a man I surfed with a lot and after a few months, I realised I was romantically interested in him. I made a move and he very gently told me he does not feel the same way and that he is still in love with his son’s mum. He then left town almost immediately for a work project which lasted almost 2 months. We stayed in contact while he was away and maintained the friendship. He returned at the same time I had to move out of my house due to flood damage, so I ended up with nowhere to live and we decided to find a rented place together. We’ve been living together as housemates in a 3 bedroom house since May. The rental contract is in my name (I sublet to him legally) and lasts a year which is pretty good timing for when my house will be repaired. We have had some issues:

• He did not pay the 1st month’s rent. He asked me to lend him the money and I originally agreed to it as a loan, but it quickly became clear he would not be able to afford to pay it back, so I said he should consider it a gift. He also did not contribute to the deposit.
• I do 100% of the cleaning, buy most of the food and all of the shared stuff like toilet paper. He usually eats 2 meals per day at work and 1 at home. He is a chef and has cooked incredible food for us both quite regularly, but not everyday.
• He sometimes comes home after I have gone to bed and cooks himself a midnight feast. I made a point of not washing up the pans he used for this and eventually he had used all of our pans and left them all dirty. When I told him he needed to wash them, he did but he was angry about it.
• I have an adult dog and he has a puppy. Because I work from home, I do almost 100% of the care for his puppy. He does not walk her before or after work and I have taken her for all of her vaccinations etc which he has not paid me back for. I also buy all of his puppy’s food because I felt awful feeding my dog premium fresh food and giving her the cheapest kibble he could find. A few weeks ago he disappeared for the weekend without warning, leaving me with his puppy. She is very closely bonded to me because I do all of her training and almost all of her care, although she sleeps in his room at night.
• He cycles to work but his bike was broken for ages. I lent him my bike and he took it for granted, caused some damage and used it without asking once.
• The other day we had a BBQ together and he told me how much he misses his son. I’ve met his son a couple of times when he visited in the past but he has not seen his son since April and I do not think they speak on the phone that much either. He says that his ex will not let him see his son until he pays back the £600 he owes her for maintenance. Like an idiot, I offered to lend him the money which he gratefully accepted.
• I lent him the money for his maintenance debt last week, and Sunday and Monday are the first days he has had off of work since then. I was expecting him to go to the town his son lives in (and leave me with the puppy!) Saturday evening. But instead, he came home with a woman he has known since childhood but who lives in a different city now. She immediately put her stuff in his bedroom and they had a BBQ which they did not invite me to join. He asked me to have his puppy in my bedroom tonight.

I feel like such an idiot. Partly because I can objectively see that we’re not really friends and I am just the useful moron who cleans for him, financially supports him and takes care of his dog. But partly because I just realised I still have a crush on him and I am jealous / heartbroken that he is shagging someone else in my house after I have done so much for him. Please help me get some perspective! There is no clause in his subletting contract for me to kick him out just because I’ve changed my mind about him, so I can’t just force him to leave.

Or work more and buy somewhere

This has already been covered, op owns the flood damaged house.

No guesses as to why his relationship with the mother of his child broke down.

Op, this is shitty but imagine if he'd actually gotten into a relationship with you, or you'd gotten married down the line or had a kid with him. You'd be subsidising him left, right and centre, he could have developed a claim on your assets, you'd be the one being paid no child maintenance and left with a kid he barely sees etc.

It's actually a huge silver lining that he's just a "friend" and house mate.

He's a proper disaster area.

@mybeesarealive you’re right. He isn’t a cocklodger because someone else is getting the cock! But he’s no better.

@bluedomino I will look into abuse cycles. I think you’re right about me being lonely and letting him get away with treating me badly because there’s no one else around.
I think there is also an aspect of guilt in it all. I grew up very privileged, went to a great school, a great university, had lots of opportunities for internships and networking and ended up in an amazing job. I love my job and I studied hard and worked hard to get here, but there is no denying that I had a lot of luck along the way. I am very aware that most people (him included) did not have the opportunities I had and will probably never have the lifestyle I have.

@Warriorworrier i really thought I had moved on from him during the months he was away. It was by no means clear that he’d ever come back. He was actually hoping to get a job in the town his ds and ex live in. When we moved in together I thought we were just friends. It was only when he turned up with a woman yesterday that I realised I was jealous of her. I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but I really felt jealous that he had chosen her, even though she lives miles away and he won’t see her again for months after this weekend.

@BouquetGarni224 you're absolutely right. We do have a proper loan contract with witnesses etc. I used the same legal website for that as the subletting contract.
I have no idea about the details of his maintained agreement with his ex. I know his ds goes to quite a prestigious private school, so I assume his ex has money. He spends about 2/5 of his wage on rent, 1/5 - 2/5 on bills and whatever food he does buy, usually meat (I’m vegetarian). The rest I have no idea. I know he couldn’t afford the part to fix his bike recently, so I assume he isn’t saving it. We live in an extremely expensive area (close to London prices) and he is on NMW so I don’t think he is doing well financially.

I googled it and apparently it's ideal to give notice according to the rent schedule eg a month for monthly payment, a week for weekly etc.

Get rid of him! What a complete piss taker!

I know his ds goes to quite a prestigious private school, so I assume his ex has money.

With him earning NMW, being in CM arrears, unable to afford to fix his bike, not running a car (?), having piggy-backing on a new "friend's" tenancy & benefitted from her deposit to get rental accommodation (and now he's not even paying his lodger level rent); yes, I'd assume she has money or her family do.

He probably used her, until she had enough, too.

We live in an extremely expensive area (close to London prices) and he is on NMW so I don’t think he is doing well financially.

Anyone with a tap of sense would rent somewhere cheaper, while trying to stay with reasonable commuting distance to see their child.

Notable how he chooses to live somewhere really expensive, even though he's on NMW and needs to pay child maintenance ..... and hangs on someone else's coat tails to do so. And then he goes a step further and doesn't even pay his rent or pay his way, and then a step even further and uses emotional blackmail to loan money off them.

@BouquetGarni224 the boy is very athletic, so it is possible he is on a scholarship if some kind. I’ve never asked.

But legally, I think you can give them a week. (A family member was taking a lodger recently and looked into the legal differences between lodging and tenancy) especially if in rent arrears.

Hi Op, sorry about your situation but can I ask a bit more about your career are there specific companies you can recommend? How did you get into it? I'm about to begin a software engineering degree.

I think it's a known phenomenon that people become attracted to people if they are forced to spend time with them and don't have other options..

I remember hearing about this as a psychological thing in relation to big brother.

If you take 5 men and 5 women and isolate them, force them to live together for long enough even if they would never be normally attracted attraction will grow.

I think its to do with biology and need to reproduce - if they were the last people on earth type thing.

If you are living with him and not having a wide social life, it's probably inveitvatlbe but it's not real.

You need to. Figure out what you're willing to tolerate and sort your life out. Look untoleravle level of unhappiness. Seems. Looked you experiencing that without even being in a relationship. What is your tolerable level of unhappiness

@geography21 Haha. A tick is the perfect analogy. Time to get rid. It's reasurring that literally everyone is saying the same thing. Obviously I haven't listed every detail of our friendship here, and there have been great times too, but no one is saying their reaction would depend on other factors.

@RitaAndFrank I do (just about) have enough self-respect to know that I do not want his affection now. If he was actually interested in me, he would have shown it at some point while we lived together. If he tries anything now it will just be because he wants me to change my mind.

@bluedomino Literally the entire of the housing market here is short term holiday lets. It would be very expensive to move into one. He is unlikely to find somewhere else now because it's summer and everywhere is full of tourists. There isn't enough housing for locals. That's obviously not my problem, and hopefully it will motivate him to move to the town his ds and ex live in and make more of an effort to be a father, but somehow I doubt it.

I daren't let go of the tenancy here because it will be snapped up in minutes and I'll never find somewhere else long term. I don't want to move out of the area because it's very useful being able to go past my house and check on the progress.

@Apolloneuro I'd really like to get a 3rd housemate but I'm not sure it wuld be fair to bring someone else into the toxic environment. Something to think about though. I could easily find one because of the housing shortage.

@QueenBitch666 He's not even a cocklodger because he's shagging someone else.

@Meadowwild I hadn't come across transactional analysis before, but I just watched a Youtube video about it. I think you're right. I am basically in a parent-teenager relationship with a man I met surfing less than 2 years ago. It's insane! I am certainly not broody. I actually don't really want dc of my own, although I used to have a foster dd and I would love to foster again. I am actually in more contact with the young woman I fostered than he is with his primary-school-aged ds. Also, your suggestion to behave like a child to him sounds like it would be hilarious.

@margaritabonita I am not much of a career guidance expert as I mention upthread. I have had an extraordinary amount of good luck helping me along the way. I was headhunted for my current role from my PhD (which I didn't ever get around to finishing). Are you just starting your undergrad degree? My advice would be to take every opportunity you possibly can. Join the university robotics society or set one up if they don't have one yet. Do as much work experience as you can fit in. Go to every networking event (free food!) and social. Also, if you're torn between course choose the more maths-heavy one. Once you've jumped in head first, you'll have an idea of your own strengths and passions and that will help you make a list of dream employers. Once you have your dream job in your sights, start schmoozing and studing them. e.g. choose a Postgrad which matches their hiring requirements, start following them on social media and try to attend any events they put on etc. I don't really want to name my employer on a thread like this (I name changed for this) but my dream employer might not be your dream employer anyway.

Thanks everyone for all of the advice and for being supportive.

At least his hold over you is gone. That’s a win.

Keep us posted op, always here to hand hold. Get rid of the machild tick?!

@Reallyverystupid thank you!

Wow have just read your update about him keeping you waiting on the shore. How utterly selfish. That says it all doesn’t it?

I hope you’re feeling strong today. You’re not at all stupid, just low. You’ll have a completely different situation soon.

I loved your first post, @Meadowwild but I honestly think this approach trumps it. This twat deserves a taste of being completely fucked with. You should totally do this, OP.

I spoke to my terrible housemate. I explained that it wasn't working and I am finding it difficult to be quiet in the mornings. I get up at 5:30 to start work at 6:00 so I actually do have to be very quiet making my coffee and going to the bathroom. I am asquiet as possible, but obviously the dogs get up and are excited to play straight away and the toilet flush makes a noise etc. He agreed that it was often a bit noisy and that he needs to move. He has asked me if his puppy can stay with me until he "finds his feet". I said she is welcome to stay forever but that I want him to change her ownership for her microchip and the vet etc so that I can deal with any emergencies without needing to wait to contact him. He is (theoretically) going to call them and do it tomorrow morning.

Are you going to ask him for the money he owes you?

Good work, OP! It would be great to get money back off him but honestly that's a long shot. I'd keep that in reserve for if and when he tries to postpone moving out. (Tell him that's fine to stay a bit longer but he'll need to pay the money he owes you as otherwise you'd be subletting his room?) The threat of having to pay money back should be enough to get him moving. He knows you've had enough now and hopefully he won't try to push it further. I'd call that a good result.

The only thing I'd do now is pin him down to a moving out date. I'd tell him you've got someone else moving in on that date, so he's not tempted to try and stay longer.

Bless you, you have managed to get an incredibly proficient cock lodger.
Kick him out, you can't be his slave for the rest of the 12 months, that's insane!

Oh, well done, @Reallyverystupid! I agree on setting an enforceable date and on taking the hit if when he doesn't pay.

I'm wishing you a truly brilliant next lodger, who will move in on the date, pay correctly and be a considerate friend.

Might you consider hiring a (strong) man with a van to "help" with the move? And to make sure none of your stuff gets accidentally moved with his!