I have a crush on my awful hosuemate

[Reallyverystupid]

I am so ashamed of the situation I have got myself into. I need some moral support finding my way out.

I am 34 and single with no dc. I was engaged to my ex but we broke up before the wedding. I’ve been single for about a year and a half. After the break up, I moved to a small town where I have no connections. I work online and I have an amazing job and I make enough money that I only need to work 20 hours a week, so I use the rest of my time to study for a totally unrelated degree online, surf and hike with my dog. I have not made that many close friends here yet.
I made friends with a man I surfed with a lot and after a few months, I realised I was romantically interested in him. I made a move and he very gently told me he does not feel the same way and that he is still in love with his son’s mum. He then left town almost immediately for a work project which lasted almost 2 months. We stayed in contact while he was away and maintained the friendship. He returned at the same time I had to move out of my house due to flood damage, so I ended up with nowhere to live and we decided to find a rented place together. We’ve been living together as housemates in a 3 bedroom house since May. The rental contract is in my name (I sublet to him legally) and lasts a year which is pretty good timing for when my house will be repaired. We have had some issues:

• He did not pay the 1st month’s rent. He asked me to lend him the money and I originally agreed to it as a loan, but it quickly became clear he would not be able to afford to pay it back, so I said he should consider it a gift. He also did not contribute to the deposit.
• I do 100% of the cleaning, buy most of the food and all of the shared stuff like toilet paper. He usually eats 2 meals per day at work and 1 at home. He is a chef and has cooked incredible food for us both quite regularly, but not everyday.
• He sometimes comes home after I have gone to bed and cooks himself a midnight feast. I made a point of not washing up the pans he used for this and eventually he had used all of our pans and left them all dirty. When I told him he needed to wash them, he did but he was angry about it.
• I have an adult dog and he has a puppy. Because I work from home, I do almost 100% of the care for his puppy. He does not walk her before or after work and I have taken her for all of her vaccinations etc which he has not paid me back for. I also buy all of his puppy’s food because I felt awful feeding my dog premium fresh food and giving her the cheapest kibble he could find. A few weeks ago he disappeared for the weekend without warning, leaving me with his puppy. She is very closely bonded to me because I do all of her training and almost all of her care, although she sleeps in his room at night.
• He cycles to work but his bike was broken for ages. I lent him my bike and he took it for granted, caused some damage and used it without asking once.
• The other day we had a BBQ together and he told me how much he misses his son. I’ve met his son a couple of times when he visited in the past but he has not seen his son since April and I do not think they speak on the phone that much either. He says that his ex will not let him see his son until he pays back the £600 he owes her for maintenance. Like an idiot, I offered to lend him the money which he gratefully accepted.
• I lent him the money for his maintenance debt last week, and Sunday and Monday are the first days he has had off of work since then. I was expecting him to go to the town his son lives in (and leave me with the puppy!) Saturday evening. But instead, he came home with a woman he has known since childhood but who lives in a different city now. She immediately put her stuff in his bedroom and they had a BBQ which they did not invite me to join. He asked me to have his puppy in my bedroom tonight.

I feel like such an idiot. Partly because I can objectively see that we’re not really friends and I am just the useful moron who cleans for him, financially supports him and takes care of his dog. But partly because I just realised I still have a crush on him and I am jealous / heartbroken that he is shagging someone else in my house after I have done so much for him. Please help me get some perspective! There is no clause in his subletting contract for me to kick him out just because I’ve changed my mind about him, so I can’t just force him to leave.

Give him notice, today! You sound lovely btw.
🫂

Keep us posted x

As an aside, I knew a guy very similar years and years ago at uni.

I can't think what age he'd be now, 50s maybe, probably too old to be this one.

He was a chef, he moved into our shared uni house (one housemate, "T", met him in her part-time restaurant job ), he was about 5 years older than us, charmed us all, we became like a little harem of admirers, he got off with T, not sure if he did with anyone else.

None of us were great at housework, but he took things to the next level with unwashed clothes in his first floor room smelling so bad you could smell them when you opened the front door.

He surfed/body boarded , and when he discovered T's parents lived near beaches suitable for surfing he stayed there with her but also, having charmed her parents; even stayed on his own to surf, with a mate etc when she wasn't there.

I think he eventually moved out, can't remember the circumstances, but we found out that he hadn't actually paid rent for several months. T and her parents were the guarantors and they got stuck with the bill. After "dating" her and using their family home as his surf base.

We also found out from a gay guy that he was bi/gay and was known around the gay venues in our uni city etc.

They are definitely a type.

What about you ending the tenancy altogether, and finding a shared house for yourself until your own is renovated?

What are the penalties of ending the agreement?

It's also worth talking to the letting agent and the LL. Not all landlords are unreasonable/ inhuman/hardline. If they'd rent it easily again, they may accept you ending the agreement.

You could explain to both agency& LL that you took this guy on as a lodger not knowing what he's like, but that he's not paying his share of the rent, not cleaning up, leaving you with his pet, giving you sob stories for loans etc.
That you'd like to end the tenancy, they may consider it.

I know I would, if I knew I'd let the property again quickly.

Obviously you need to get somewhere set up before you do so. It could he an opportunity to house share with some potential acquaintances/friends and meet new people.

And if it's not fantastic, you'd be back in you'd own house sooner or later anyway.

(And you can tell Mr. dead beat Dad parasite that you've had a change in circumstances in work, can't afford to let the property any longer, and that the agent/LL have agreed to end the contact).

That does sound so similar @BouquetGarni224

OP, realistically you need this to go easy for you. Rightly or wrongly, going in all guns blazing is going to be alarming for you (don’t forget she’s living alone with this bloke)

Presumably you don’t have plenty of mates locally to come and back you up. Also you’ll carry on seeing him around. Sometimes the clever thing to do isn’t the most ‘just’.

He inevitably won’t pay this month’s rent. Tell him you can’t afford to sub him/pay all the rent yourself and you’ll have to find someone else. I agree with letting your letting agent know about the rent. Leave out about the pots etc as the agent won’t give a shit. Focus on the rent.

I appreciate he’s a twat and it’s not fair, but I think the OP needs to get him out on as friendly terms as possible. For her sake, not his.

I just use the subletting contract which my rental agency recommended. It comes from a website where you "sign" it online and upload all of your ID documents etc. It is a proper, legal contract.

That’s good OP. Sit tight and wait for the next rent to be due. If he borrows it from somebody else, wait for the next month.

At least this is only a short term thing. As a pp said, could you sublet the third room, so you’ve got another person to hopefully enjoy living with more?

I’d also start to surreptitiously claim the dog for yourself. Even say (if you want to and can afford it) “I’ve really fallen for pup, can we call that money I lent you as payment for her, and I go down as her owner?”

Just be careful. Users like this are very skilled. He’ll likely get this month’s rent off somebody else.

I think this is poor advice. If the awful housemate and the letting agent are close friends, it's possible that the letting agent will inform the awful housemate what's going on and find a way to make life even more difficult for OP. Best not to take personal issues to a third party, it will just sound like whinging. Failure to wash up, midnight feasts etc are issues that OP should be capable of acting on herself: after all, she wanted to live with awful housemate. I guess it's just a case of waiting for him to fail to pay his rent. I'd take it as read that he'll move on without paying his final month's rent. He's clearly someone practiced at leeching off women.

When is your old property due to be habitable again, OP? Just work towards that date, quietly freezing the awful housemate out. Buy your own food and as far as possible keep it in your room and let him buy his own.

If you like the area, and if you could work a full week and almost double your earnings, why not put in more hours for a year or two and buy your own place and be free of all the hassle of renting? Property in Cornwall and some parts of South Devon is falling in price. (The mention of surfing and the seasonal lifestyle/ rental market made me think SW: I know the kind of lifestyle you describe and I know that unless you own your own home, finding good, long-term rentals in those areas can be a nightmare. Too many short holiday lets and six-month winter lets.)

Give him 4 weeks notice and stop funding him.

He's a cock lodger. Get rid

I don't see it as personal whingeing though - non payment of rent, having to lend money for expenses and issues of maintenance are all well within the purview of letting problems.

And yes I know they're friends, that's precisely why I'd want their parties to know that the sub-letter had payment issues and wasn't behaving - maybe the letting agent will even find a new person for his mate to sponge off.

But we all give advice as we see it and you definitely want professional advice for this situation.

Second this! You sound like a dynamic interesting and exceptional person. Bin this loser bloke off ASAP

"Hey, awful housemate, I don't think this is working out. It seems like you're struggling to cover your share of the rent, and I'm not in a position to keep lending you money. I'm finding it harder to live with you than anticipated because we have such different ideas about what makes a home comfortable. I'm happy to take the puppy as repayment for the money I've lent you (but of course if you'd rather just give me the money back, that's okay.) And I think that it would be a good idea if you moved out. Obviously I'm giving you a month's notice, so shall we say X August as your move out date?"

He might just realise that the jig is up, and go. If not, he'll probably not pay the rent for the next month, so you can kick him out at that point.

why not put in more hours for a year or two and buy your own place and be free of all the hassle of renting?

I took the below to suggest op owns the flood damaged house (?)

"I had to move out of my house due to flood damage, so I ended up with nowhere to live and we decided to find a rented place together."

Yes I do own the flood damaged house. I'm not considering buying another house any time soon!

"If the lodger agreement doesn’t specify a required notice period, the landlord must give their lodger reasonable notice to leave the property.
Reasonable notice often means the duration of the rental payment period. For example, if your lodger pays rent weekly you can give one week’s notice or, if they pay monthly, you can give one month’s notice.

Other factors that can influence what’s reasonable include how long the lodger has been living in the property and the lodger’s conduct.

Notice can be given verbally unless the written agreement states that it must be in writing. However, it is always best for a notice to be recorded in writing, as it could be referred to if any disputes arise."

Article then goes on to discuss a court order, if lodger doesn't leave at end of notice period.

Ah: given that she had only fairly recently moved to the area I assumed it was a previous rental that had been flooded. I have friends who renovated an old house a couple of years ago intending to do holiday lets but who had long-term tenants for much of that time. Locals whose home had been flooded: they needed to stay in the area for schools for their children and the insurance company paid the full whack for more than a year till the flood work was finished.

Which makes me wonder whether in OP's case the insurance people know about and would approve of a sub-let...

He's clearly someone practiced at leeching off women

In practice he leeches off kids too, since he's depriving his own kid of maintenance for months.

Just thinking about the sort of man who pays no maintenance towards his kid to the tune of £600 (at least) and when he does pay something (that's if his ex even sees any of that money), it's another woman's money.

Extracted by emotional blackmail and exploiting her feelings for him.

What a guy.

I'm trying to catch up with all the questions.

@Zanatdy No he did not ask me about the puppy. When we agreed to move in together, he had an old Jack Russel who was my ddog's best friend. His dog sadly died the day before he moved in. The puppy is a rescue and I suspect a manifestation of grief.

@YellowAsteroid Normally I would agree that I shouldn't need inviting to a BBQ in my own garden, but this was so clearly a date. He'd made loads of amazing food and plated up for 2 people. As I walked past, he did ask me if I had anything I wanted to put on the grill, but it was clear I was not invited to share in their lovely salads and marrinated fish etc.

@WitchyBits I think you're right. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't understand how this became me. I used to be a strict followed of the FDS and their very high standards for men. Somehow I lost myself.

@taylorswift1989 I have no contact with his ex. I hope the money made its way to her, but I suspect at least some of it has gone on wining and dining the woman he has staying this weekend.

@cookiebee Thanks for the really good tip on getting him out of my head.

@SoSo99 Thank you for saying that. I'm glad it isn't just me.

@Whatdoyouneedsonia32789 Thank you for your advice. Before the incident with the dishes, I would have said I was 100% certain he'd never hurt anyone, but he was so angry that day that I'm less sure. He didn't do anythign aggressive, but I pointed out to him that all of the dishes were dirty one morning when he was on his way to surf before work. He made no effort to go to the kitchen, so I said something like "So that's it, you're just leaving them all for me to wash for you?" and he very huffily put down his stuff and washed them. We had a bit of a spat by whatsapp where he accused me of asking in a rude way. He also brought up another incident which he was 100% in the wrong with.

(We had agreed to meet to at a specific place to surf at 16:00. I lent him my bike because he had to do loads of other things first, and went a few hours later by car. I had his wetsuit boots with me because he messaged to say he'd forgotten them. I arrived at the meeting point at 16:00 and there was no sign of him, so I called my sister and had a chat. 30 minutes later (!) still no sign of him and my sister and I said goodbye. I called him but couldn't get an answer. Eventually I told him I was getting in without him and left his boots under my car for him to get when he arrived. I walk over to the place where you actually get in the water and see my bike locked up. It turns out he got there early and just decided to get in without telling me. I was so angry with him when I saw him in the water. He apologised but later said he felt I owed him an apology for "telling him off" in public.)

I will respond to the other questions later, but I'm taking the (my!) dogs out now.

Please @Reallyverystupid DO NOT blame yourself or call yourself stupid.

You’ve been a nice kind human. He’s been a shit.

Don’t take on the blame as well!

(We had agreed to meet to at a specific place to surf at 16:00. I lent him my bike because he had to do loads of other things first, and went a few hours later by car. I had his wetsuit boots with me because he messaged to say he'd forgotten them. I arrived at the meeting point at 16:00 and there was no sign of him, so I called my sister and had a chat. 30 minutes later (!) still no sign of him and my sister and I said goodbye. I called him but couldn't get an answer. Eventually I told him I was getting in without him and left his boots under my car for him to get when he arrived. I walk over to the place where you actually get in the water and see my bike locked up. It turns out he got there early and just decided to get in without telling me. I was so angry with him when I saw him in the water. He apologised but later said he felt I owed him an apology for "telling him off" in public.)

Oh, OP... what a bastard he is. I've been biting my tongue because I try not to generalise, but having lived for a period in an area with decent surf and plenty of surfer dudes, and having employed a couple of them in my business, I'd say the lifestyle seems to attract a certain type of selfish and misogynistic man. They prioritise their own desires over everything, children and wives and work commitments included. There must be some lovely, respectful, responsible ones but I never seemed to meet them.

@Reallyverystupid - have you ever read any Transactional Analysis?

You are playing the role of Parent and he is playing the role of Child.
It's very unhealthy. You should be in Adult/Adult roles.

If he ever again thinks you should apologise for being pissed off with him, don't. Explain your absolute right to anger at his behaviour.

I'd want to say:

Of course I'm pissed off. I shouldn't have to even raise the subject of every pan in the house being dirty. Just respect me and our home enough to wash up as you go along. I had every right to be pissed off when you bailed out of meeting me as arranged and didn't even text. I was left hanging around waiting to give you equipment I brought as a favour to you. You are naturally more selfish and more of a user than I am. You happily take money from me but don't even invite me to eat with you when you cook nice food in the house I subsidise you living in. I am not your mum or your girlfriend. We are mates, and you need to up your mate-game because I am sick of playing mummy to a sulky teen who borrows from me and doesn't think he ever has to repay, who makes a mess and sulks if I expect him to clean up on time. Man up or move out.

Honestly OP, in your position I'd do some serious self-examination on why I am hung up on a selfish, greedy, petulant, taker of a man-child. Are you broody (serious question?) Has your self-esteem plummeted so low after the break up of your engagement? Did you mistake emotional immaturity for 'free spirit' and think you needed time away from social norms after the engagement broke up? Whatever your reasons, start behaving like an Adult with him, not a parent. If he breaks your stuff, he needs to repair it in a timely manner. If he cooks for you both, you can wash up to show appreciation (or wash up together if he does that fucking irritating male thing of using every pan in the house to make a dish that tastes like a traybake.) Stop enabling him. Enable yourself instead.

You could also decide to play Child at him and see how he likes it. Next time he preps a delicious fish for a woman, plonk yourself down in the garden and choose the nicest bits for yourself without shame or apology. Help yourself to his stuff - surf gear, clothes, food, drink. Ask to borrow fifty quid as your debit card is damaged and forget to pay it back and strop and sulk if he asks and then point out you let him off in the past. Agree to help him out with something important and then pootle off and forget because something shiner turned up. Explore the pleasures and moral loosening of being the utterly unprincipled one in the dynamic.

He'll get really stroppy and move out. I'd be so tempted to do this. It could be so much fun. You could thank him for teaching you how to loosen up and be less uptight about possessions and repayment of loans and all that dull adult stuff.

This is true. You don't need to give a lodger more than a week. Less probably if he is in arrears. He's such a tosser. Men like that make my flesh crawl.