Husband told me that there's a rumour in work...

[Shkbop91]

Will try to keep as brief as possible.....
Husband and I been together for 11 years, married for 5 two DC, youngest 11 weeks.
He went for coffee today with one of his female work friends (she's on maternity and they meet up every few weeks or so). He told me this:
She asked him what was going on with him and another female co-worker (lets call her Mary). She had heard that they were hooking up from a mutual colleague.
He tells me this in front of the children (in our garden for some reason) about 3 hours after he comes home from meeting his friend.
He says he wanted to tell me because he's angry that the mutual coworker had started rumours that yes having an affair with Mary and he didn't want to seem off and of course I should know about these rumours. He told me that when he went out to walk the dog earlier (a while after he came back) he rang Mary and told her there had been rumours.

I find it all a bit strange. I hold my hands up, I have in the past found issue with his friendships with his female colleagues. My father had an affair behind my mums back when I was a teen and I stumbled on it. That's my issue and insecurity which I have previously visited on my relationship but I've worked hard on the insecurities. The issue is that my husband has lied, has been caught out in his lies before and I'm really muddled up because I find it weird that he's telling me about this "rumour"

He's name dropped Mary quite a few times in the last few months. He's been going on walks with her on their lunch break. We are ironically going to her house tomorrow to go and pick up a secondhand thing. They play chess against each other on an app. They WhatsApp fairly frequently.
The biggest thing I am struggling with though is that a few days ago he kissed me on the cheek and he stunk of cigarettes. I told him that and he was like "wow that's weird" (we are both ex smokers). His work coat stunk of smoke too. I called him on it and asked if he had been smoking (I made it so clear to him that I didn't mind if he was cannot stress that enough) he said not. I saw a message from him to Mary saying thanks for that earlier but I had to blag a lighter as I was leaving work.
So he's lying about smoking. I asked him again today and he says not.
I'm so confused as to wtf is going on. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I do?
He did ask me if I believed him about it being a rumour regarding Mary which I thought was weird but might have been because I was a bit skeptical and had come across as suspicious.....
He's going on a work night out while I will have the youngest visiting family and our eldest will be staying with his grandparents overnight so husband can go out drinking. Mary will be there and now I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable!

So many people I can't tag to reply so will in general.
People telling me to trust my gut - my gut feels broken hence the reason for the post. My two best friends are mutual with him. One is getting married soon and the other is having a baby in a matter of days so don't want to visit this on them.

I may just sit down and try and talk it through. I did ask him why he was telling me, as I said it was unlikely to get back to me personally. He said it was because I'd been insecure in the past. That makes it worse somehow because I guess that could be a reason. Someone said I sound jealous and controlling and I agree that past self was, to a degree, but I have been in counselling and therapy for PPD several years ago and I have addressed that side of things.

I guess I could sit back and wait for things but I'm not sure if I could see it if it was right infront of my eyes. So many innocent things can be viewed as proof and so many things as proof can be disguised as innocent things.

Perhaps my relationship is just broken because I don't 100% trust him. Think that's probably the answer if I am being honest with myself. Regardless of this situation. I dunno, feels then as though I am throwing my relationship away over either my own insecurities or something I don't have concrete proof of...

Sorry OP but usually rumours aren't just based on nothing... I think there is more to the story.

I'm still on he meets up with his female work friend who is currently on maternity leave 🤦‍♀️

He’s trying to get ahead of the rumour and control the narrative, of course he’s banging Mary

I don’t know about affairs but your husband is going out a lot with his female’s colleagues even on the weekend when he supposed to be with you and the kids, you definitely don’t have a price there

But it's not just that alone. You've given a whole series of dodgy actions all pointing to an affair. Talking about her constantly, meeting up with her, going for walks with her, messaging her, socialising with her, lying to you about smoking when he's been with her and now getting in quick with a cover story because other people are starting to say that they are having an affair.

I mean what exactly will it take for you to join the dots that everyone else can see here?

I think he’s having an emotional affair at least and trying to get in his defence to you to ward off your suspicions.

I think you know don’t you x

This! 100%

It's horrible for you OP. Especially with such a young baby.
But everything you have said about him reads as though he is untrustworthy and not honest and that he enjoys validation from other females.
I can't think of any other reason for him to warn you about these rumours other than for him to try and manipulate your reaction when you are told of his inappropriate behaviour with this woman.
I know you said you can't talk to your best friends ATM. Have you got family support at all?
It really would be helpful if you looked to how you would stand financially if you were to seperate. At least then when you talk to him and have a frank discussion about his behaviour you would know exactly where you stand.

Speaking as someone who has, falsely, been the subject of office gossip in a similar vein just be careful. Obviously trust yourself but make sure you’re clear in what you’re doing.

No advice OP but sending hugs x

OP, if you've struggled with these sorts of insecurities in the past, and safely put them to bed thanks to therapy, you need to be careful about how you think about this.

Perhaps he's having an affair - and it's not unreasonable to suspect he is, as PP have pointed out. Perhaps he's Mr Fidelity. Who knows? You certainly don't at this point.

You've got to put this on the backburner in your mind. Don't forget about it - but don't start questioning him yet. If he is cheating, he holds all the cards at the moment. He can lie, misdirect and gaslight you as much as he wants. If he isn't, it's not going to look much different. How can you tell? Once upon a time you were hyper-vigilant. Now, you may be hypo-vigilant.

So perhaps you should just carry on as normal and try not to worry. BUT think about (and check) your finances, think about your house, what you need to support yourself and your kids, what help/benefits you might get. Start quietly investigating these things.

And instead of lying in bed at night getting into a sweat about what he may or may not have done, think about the contingency plan you're making - the plan you will only use if it turns out your spider sense was in fact correct.

I know how you feel. Esp when your gut is a bit broken from past traumas.

Is there any way you can look at his phone while he’s asleep? I know people might not agree, but you’d literally have your answer tonight. And it would put you out of this gut-wrenching misery either way

Wish I’d done that with my last ex, rather than live in a tortured state of not knowing was real for years. I think what stopped me was not WANTING to see the truth in black and white

I feel if he have nothing to hide, he’d not be bothered by it, especially given your history

I used to go for lunch sometimes with a friend from work, John. He was a very nice and interesting person but I didn't fancy him in the least, we were purely platonic friends. But apparently there were whispers in the office that we were up to something. Offices are hotbeds of gossip but that doesn't mean it's true. Maybe they really are just friends?

Does he have male colleague friends that he socially goes out with too or are they all female?

I can see why it’s not sitting right with you @Shkbop91 , together with past stuff as well.

Idk my husband works with lots of women and is very flirty, he always has been and I'm fine with it as its all talk and mostly with women his mums age. One of the school mums was socked he talked to all the mums and they was all bantering about. I was surprised she told me she wouldn't tolerate her dh laughing with other woman. But once one of the mums starting texting him about problems with her ex, I told him that was too far and he apologised profusely and went to just saying morning to her. I have male friends from work I go to dinner with who have actually left my work place. Having friends of the opposite sex at work isn't weird to me

I've had a couple of cases of mentionitis...and they all married the 'friend' about a year after we eventually split. They have these people on the brain for a reason.

Oh, and he told you in front of the kids to save himself, you're less likely to go off at him in front of them. So he's also a coward.

I reckon he could be having an affair or about to have an affair. And has made up this convoluted tale to sound you out. Or perhaps maybe he is to be trusted difficult to know for sure. But you are right to be suspicious.

He's absolutely playing you I'm afraid, trust me, I know the signs 🫤 Get yourself sorted in all ways and then make sure you find out exactly what he's been up to and for how long! Sorry OP it must be tough.

He knows the jig is up, the news is out, so resorting to hiding in plain sight.

But OP you don't trust him. The reason you don't trust him is not because of your insecurities but because he's lied to you, multiple times, you have a list. Right now with an 11 week old child he should be in a bubble of newborn love with you but he's out and about, talking about 'rumours'. The only person you can trust here is yourself.

Yes, maybe they really are just friends.

And maybe he smells of smoke because he's found a new cologne that smells of cigarettes, along with matching mouthwash. Maybe he messaged Mary about needing a new lighter because a gentleman always carries a lighter, he lit her cigarette for her and she absent-mindedly pocketed it. He had to get a replacement on the way home because he doesn't smoke.

Maybe he used to hide codeine tablets in a drawer because he really was in excruciating pain but concealed his agony from his wife. What a hero.

Maybe he goes out socialising all the time because this is the best way to show his commitment to his young family with new baby.

Maybe the whole family's got to stay out of the house when he goes drinking because ... well, I am completely puzzled by this one! Perhaps he likes nothing more than doing a whole-house deep clean and all the laundry when he's pissed at 3am?

Totally trustworthy, and maybe it's OP who's being unreasonable 😏

Hey OP. No one knows (despite how convincing they may sound) if your partner is having an affair or not. However…
I find it strange that he called Mary first about the rumour while walking the dog and waited to talk to you.
Trusting your partner is a funny thing. It comes easier when the person you want to trust acts in good faith and is trustworthy. I’m not sure your partner is such a man.
He needs to set boundaries. Those boundaries will have a lot to do with how you feel. Your feelings are valid - they’re your feelings. Boundaries may include not having (an activity) one on one with female co-workers. I think most people would simply avoid the possibility of being accused of impopriety.

💐💐💐💐 what a bag of shit OP.

As others said…no one knows the answer except him (& Mary)

all I wanted to say is I just can’t imagine a world in which I had that conversation with my husband or he that conversation with me.

as in, no one would EVER be able to think either of us were having affairs with coworkers because we don’t have inappropriately close relationships with our coworkers.

their friendship and whatever else they have going would be totally inappropriate within my marriage and I think at best, your husband sounds like a bag of dicks who doesn’t appreciate you…