Calling off the wedding

[Mummyto4WM]

Hi ladies,
I'm at a total loss. My partner and I are due to get married in December. Things over the last 6 months have been really hard.

In short, his boss is his ex-MIL who hates that he's moved on. She's so heavily involved in his life. Then there's his family, he communicates with the 24/7. He is so reliant on them and they are in control. For example, we chose to move to a new area (15 min drive away) and his mother disagreed and was bombarding him with houses on her road for sale. He then suggested we abandon our plans.

We had a major fall out. And I said some unpleasant things. He ran off to tell his family. They were never keen on me anyway and now are venomous. They squeeze me out of everything. I want to call off the wedding, he doesnt. The guests are 70% his and I know I'll feel rejected at my own wedding.

I dont know what to do for the best?

We started couples counselling and it's been positive for the relationship. He's starting to listen and recognise the barriers in the relationship. He's saying cancelling the wedding is a backwards step.

It won’t get better, married or not. The writing is on the wall… leave now, while you can get out relatively easily. It’ll be horrendous if you marry him. There’s no way things will improve.

Cancel. It’s unlikely to improve in the short term.

I cry every night at the prospect of getting married and becoming part of his family.

Oh your poor thing @Mummyto4WM What would you say, if a dear friend or sister told you this about her intended marriage and in-laws?

Keep going with the counselling - take this feeling into counselling to explore with a 3rd party.

We've been together approaching 2.5 years. He's always pushed the wedding. Funny enough he first said, his mother would expect us to be married, if we lived together and planned to have kids!
I do think his insecurities are a huge driver for the wedding - he's obsessed with it being the ultimate commitment. And I did flippantly say it didnt stop your ex wife cheating (he didn't take to that well) but I stand by my point

We've discussed one more child, again something he wants more than me but I'm not opposed to it one day - if his parents back off. I'd want to raise my kids, not them - I think a newborn would be a shock to him, his exMIL moved in with them when they had their 2 kids. We'd share the caring, we already do with the kids we have. He's great with the kids (the fun stuff, homework, bath times). The difficult stuff tends to fall to me..

I have much sympathy for your position. I was uneasy ( for various reasons) just before my first wedding, but put it down to nerves, I realised a few days into the marriage that I had made a mistake!
Second marriage, MIL, a Roman Catholic, did not approve of our relationship but DH took no heed to her protestations and despite her and FIL not coming to the wedding we have had a happy 40 year plus marriage.
I have always been DH's priority not his wider family, although when his parents realised their objections held no sway with him, they gave up with their hostilities and we all got on.
Definitely proceed with caution, and be realistic about the future, your DP needs to be firm with his parents and grow a backbone otherwise if he just constantly appeases them it will disastrous for you.
I wouldn't suggest you finish with him right now, perhaps for now postpone the wedding.
Good luck x

@Mummyto4WM . He's great with the kids (the fun stuff, homework, bath times). The difficult stuff tends to fall to me..

So, he’s heavily influenced by his family. You have to hold his hands when asking to make a standard life admin phone call and he leaves you to pick up the un-fun domestic tasks.

You cry at night thinking about marrying this man.

You’re asking if you should cancel the wedding.

Looking at the above, why WOULDNT you?

You are on a road to
misery. Sod the wedding; you should ditch this guy.

There seems to be every red flag going, all information I'd be using to make a decision and , frankly, I'd run and be relieved I'd avoided a divorce down the line. He needs to work on his mummy issues, on his own.

You desperately need therapy to figure out your very low self esteem.

Him and his family are a total shit show and you are walking in with eyes wide open.

Why would you do that?
Are you so desperate for a relationship that you would accept literally ANYTHING/ANYONE?

Because it really is reading that way.
He's a total fxck up.
His family are vicious, over involved and hate you.
He has children.
He leaves the tough stuff to you.

How on earth do you find him sexually attractive?
He's still attached to his mothers breast🤢🤮.

Get some therapy asap because you are making a huge mistake that you will bitterly regret.
As for adding another child to this shit show and inflicting him on them🙄why would you do that to a child?

Run as fast as you can!!

Run as fast and as far away as you can!!

I had a thought to cancel, by then 1000s had been spent by my parents and I bricked it.

6 yrs on we separated for 6 weeks, back again

8 yrs on divorced .

Once that seed it planted I think there's no going back.

It takes a v brave person to cancel a wedding I think, I wasn't.

This isn't about how you'll feel on your wedding day. It's about you'll feel for the rest of your marriage - with a husband who prioritises his family over you, values their opinions over yours, runs to tell on you. Wth ILs who can't stand you and constantly try to undermine you.

If you have to have therapy to get your OH to treat you with respect, you're with the wrong person.

Act for yourself. Your DH is acting in his own interests. What's best for him is irrelevant to you. Don't sacrifice your future happiness because you're frightened of hurting him. Remember he caused this problem.

If you honestly think there is hope for the relationship, call off the wedding but continue as a couple. Tell him that if the therapy continues and he keeps to his word, you can recosider the wedding in 2 or 3 years time.

I suspect he won't be able to last that long without reverting to type.

The problem is that even with therapy and good intentions, people revert back to their natural type.
My husband has his faults which were deal breakers. He fixed the issues before we married but 15 years later we are in the same place.
He is telling you who he is - believe him !

I don't understand why you want to be with a man who is so broken and incapable of thinking for himself @Mummyto4WM ?

Seriously, where is the attraction there? I just can't see why anyone would want to be with someone like this, even if he completely cut off his family, you're still going to have to do all of his thinking for him for the rest of his life. Is that really what you want?

Edit to add: I've just come back from a holiday where I've had to do all the planning, work out transport, where we're going out for dinner etc. Not really DPs fault, turns out she really struggles in this heat. But honestly, it was a bit draining. I can't imagine this being what my life is like. No help, no support with any decision at all.

@Tv23456 you desperately need therapy to figure out your very low self esteem.
I hear a lot of what you say, but I disagree I have low self-esteem. I think my bigger issue is, this is the only man I've allowed into my life but more importantly my kids life.

When I actually fell in love with this man, he showed me a different person. The issues around his family were mute, as I had no involvement with them. There possibly was red flags, waking up and his mum doing his washing up, but his response was somewhat viable at the time. In the first year of the relationship all he had to do, was choose where to go for dinner. Buying a house, who to invite to a wedding, are bigger decisions that didn't exist back then. I had no idea he had no life admin skills at the time.

But yes, I hear you on the other points, he's comfortable now, he's showing me the real him. I need to hear and see this, and make a better long term decision for me and my kids.

Never ever tie yourself to someone who needs fixing.

You can't fix him. He will break you instead.

Ffs cancel the wedding and split up.

Good woman.
This is not someone you want around your children long term.

You will feel like you have taken on another child.
The stress in your life will NEVER leave when you have awful inlaws.

Don't chance it.
Don't play roulette with your future.
Ditch him.
You deserve better.

I repeat...how in God's name do you have sex with such a mummys boy?🤢

Total Ick.

@Tv23456 I admire your honesty! Thank you.
You will feel like you have taken on another child. this is the phase I've used with him a few times. It's frustrating,

This thread has really helped me. He knows the wedding is going to be the subject we approach at counselling next week. My view is cancel but I can compromise with a postponement to see what the next 18 months bring. I'm 34 and not too bothered about marriage anyway. It was his wish, his Catholic values that wanted it, so cancelling is no skin off my nose but I respect its important to him

Run!

The fact you are even considering calling it off says it all. Call it off. It is far less complicated to do this now than end up going through with the marriage and have to deal with the divorce.

Listen to your gut OP. Please. I didn't and the results were catastrophic.

What an utterly miserable life you are lining yourself up for. Read your posts back. Why on earth would you commit when there are clear issues between you guys? Not to mention his family. The sheer fact you are thinking about calling it off and require counselling are BIG red flags. Walk away and find your person. Really doesn’t sound like it’s him (and vice versa, I’m aware we are just getting one side here)

Anyone who needs to start a relationship with couples counselling is in the wrong relationship. That's the sort of thing you do at the ends of relationships when it is falling apart.

Run!!!! He's not much of a catch!

You are currently living together and sleeping together? I think he's hiding behind claimed Catholic values and he's cherry-picking those values as it suits as an excuse to nail you down. He knows he's onto a good thing with you. That's why the rush to marry- he must of given it less than 2 years before proposal, that is also why he's keen for you to have another DC.
Ask yourself why a mother with 2 young DC's was so desperate to leave him that she took off for 6 months and accepted being cut off by her mother as a consequence? It won't just be the AP, that was probably someone to cling to when she escaped.
How near are you currently living to MIL? It's good therapy is showing signs of working.Id say before you take the marriage step, move house and wait till he's established in a new job away from his DM..Do not rush for another DC as that will be an excuse for them to come round and interfear more than ever.
If you ever get the chance to ask his ex what life was like for her, do so. That could be an eye-opener, might be a lot more to it than infidelity

You are being ridiculous. You aren't going to cancel the wedding no matter what anyone here says. This marriage is doomed and you have no one but yourself for being miserable after it happens. Good luck.